Friday, January 23, 2009

This is Love

I don't remember a time when I thought...yes, this is love. This is a relationship. This is the one. Sad.

I read Chris' blog thinking...oh, that's what it feels like?

In most relationships, I've felt as if I were doing all the heavy lifting.

My shoulders are heavy and I wasn't sure if men were capable of being sensitive, compassionate, warm, and as in love as a woman could be.

The men whose blogs I read always prove me wrong.

Yet, Aussie and I struggle and its because of me. I'm struggling. I'm giving and warm. I give too much. That seems to be a common problem with us women, it seems.

I'm usually calm. Nothing really ruffles my feathers. But, this does. He does. I've let him in undeserved.

And its no one else's fault but my own. And now, WE must work on our problems.

The problem is communication. He has in his mind that he shouldn't have to check in with me. He doesn't have to disclose anything about his whereabouts but I am supposed to tell him everything.

I'm a very busy person. I have 2 blogs, a demanding job (for now), an organization that I sit on the Executive Board, and somehow I fit in writing my first book of short stories in, as well as, very involved friendships. I'm there for my friends hands-on like I'm their lovers/therapists and such.

With all of that, I still have time for him and myself.

I text him constantly. I call him consistently. Yet, he has no time. No initiative to figure out when we'll hang.

This sounding like 3 months ago?


Its only been a week. I don't want to throw in the towel.

So, now I'm calculating - what can I get from him?

Sex. That's all I would take. That's all he has going for him. Hmmm

I refuse to be sad or stressed. I can't do it to myself anymore.

I'll give it a month. I'll repeat myself and then I'll make it clear - once I leave him again, there is no coming back.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile


Trish said...

I'm mad that its starting back off like this again for you. I know what you mean, I read Chris' blog too and I thought, wow, I want that. I had it once upon a time but nothing materialized from it but heartbreak. All I can say is try until you're tired. Good luck.

JaeSpenc said...

I love reading your blog... It's like I'M writing it. I remember feeling this way not too long ago... and ultimately... he wasn't That into me ( to borrow from Greg Behrentz (sp?)).

Again good luck. From reading this, it sounds like you've got your 'stuff' together... don't lessen who you are for the sake of this elusive feeling or state of being called 'love'



Young woman on a journey said...

Girl, i'm mad he's not acting right. he needs to get it together. I'm glad you at least gave it a try. Bit in the end you have to decide what's best for you. so it all depends on his behavior. Good luck luv!