Sunday, January 11, 2009

Insomniac's Theatre

I haven't been able to sleep lately. I'm stressed out, but hiding it well (thank you very much). Instead, I'm pouring my energy into projects.

It was 11:40pm. I was spent. It was such a long day. Yet, I sat in my bed blinking.

"Close your eyes lil Nina...lay still and act like you're sleeping. Then, you really will be before you know it." I remember my godmother's words from when I was a child.

Closed my eyes. Made my mind turn blank and I drifted drifted drifted as far as I could with cinder blocks for feet.

I wish I had a man to PUT me to bed, haha.

But, no..I seriously had to stop writing this and check the archives to see the last time I had some. November 23rd to be exact. But it might as well be Jan 1, 2008. Ok, maybe that was a little dramatic. But, I haven't been kissed, hugged, touched, licked, caressed, felt-up or anything since then. Shortly after, Aussie and I had a very dramatic break-up/fight.

Quite frankly, masturbation assuages the urge for a chemical release for a small window of time. What about the physical stuff?

My apartment is a mess and I didn't want to text Aussie come over because 1. I didn't feel like pushing all the crap into a closet/shave my legs/brush my hair/change my sheets in 20 minutes. 2. There's still that tiny thing in my brain thinking there's a 50/50 chance he may reject me. Reject Me? Yes.

And so, I planned on painting my closet as my Sunday or next weekend project. So I did that tonight instead. (Check other blog around Mon/Tues for that post)

It took me an hour and a half - with all the taping first and painting and washing of the brushes. I look at my phone.

1 missed call.
Blair. 12:18 am.

I laid down panting and sweaty when I couldve been panting and sweaty from some other means...fuck! I couldve been fucking!

Come to think of it, he called me last week around this same time, no? Well, yes..but I didn't blog at it. But, it was exactly last Saturday at 2am. Funny.

Don't get me wrong, Blair is good. In my small number (still in single digits, woohoo!!), Blair is in the top 3, but 2 things.

1. He's no Aussie (who is #1)
2. He wants things aka my ladylumps on his time and schedule. I need a reciprocal relationship where I can call you up and you can be over in a flash. Its been close to a year, dude doesn't even know where I live (and we live on the same freakin block!!!) Ass.

The clock was at 1am when I checked my phone. It was on vibrate and I didn't hear it ring. If I HAD heard it, would I have gone???

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

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