fight or flight

today...
i woke up at 7am feeling really great. i wasn't coughing. i sent out a few emails, tweeted, read a couple of blogs. around 10am, i started coughing. fine. doctor's orders...go to the ER. i procrastinated....got to the hospital at 12. at 4:45, i walked out of there...chest xray clear with the doctor's explanation that it could be a virus or the common cold or allergies. she prescribed me cough syrup with codeine. i was pissed. i spent the day in the ER with loud people, crying babies and stinky people to be told...oh...we're not sure what's wrong with you...oh and she said...a virus or a cold could last up to 4-5 weeks...

fuuuuuuuuck.

and so i go to my mom's house because i need cable and my favorite purple comforter. she comes home. she asks me what happened..i tell her 1/2 of what the doctor said before she walks away mid-sentence.

later, she's like...your brother wants us to come down for thanksgiving. i say fine. she says...i guess i'll scrape the money to get the car fixed to drive down. the next sentence is...his insurance company offered him a settlement of $10,000 (from his recent car accident) and i told him not to take it...he needs to hold out for more money.

that explains the sudden interest in my brother.

an hour later, my stomach is imploding...i ask her if she has anything to eat. she doesn't. i ask if she wants chinese..."do you have money?" yes. "are you paying for everybody?" i look around and its just me and her. i say..."if you mean, the two of us...sure."

as we drive 2 blocks over to the chinese place, i say..."your air freshener is killing me." i say this coughing between every word. she says, "well its my air freshener for my house and it sprays every 30 minutes so if you don't like it..." she catches herself. i'm pissed. i try and leave the car while its still moving. i ask what she wants...i get the food. get back to her place, grab my shit as fast as possible and leave.

i was going to leave without saying anything. she catches me as i reach the door. "you leaving?" "yup" i don't look back.

i really think about it. my brother does NOTHING. in the past 11 years since my dad has been gone, he's not given us a dime to help us out, he has sent no birthday/christmas cards or gifts. yet and still...last week when he got into the accident, she says...maybe i'll try and get down there to nurse him back to health.

i live literally upstairs...i've been sick for 2 weeks...i haven't gotten a hug, a cup of tea or a bowl of soup.

i understand.

this is why i harden myself. i've let this sickness make me soft. so, i will harden myself again. the only thing going through my head was..get the fuck out. i am going to pull myself up by my chin..nurse myself back to better health than i was in before, get a job, save money and get the fuck out of here. as soon as i can, i'm going to just buy a ticket some place and work it out.

i can't do this. i can't live like this.

i'm going to forge a life somewhere else and create my own family. i'm sick of always feeling like the people who should be closest to me don't give a shit about me.

i guess at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.