and I know...

I said I was going to update this blog regularly.

Honestly, I'm sad. I'm more than sad. I feel like bursting into tears at my desk right now. I feel so empty inside. I feel vapid and like a waste of a ball of energy. Nothing, would be a step up for me right now.

I'm depressed for several reasons, I wish not to discuss at the present.

And, so, I am pouring sugary happy glitter dust on my other blog, because that's what is keeping me sane right now.

I'm trying to feign excitement over the new year because you've got to fake it til you make it, right? and momma said if you have nothing good to say, stfu - and all those other euphemisms they bombard you with growing up.

Truth is, I really want that zest for life again. It just takes. So. Much. Right. Now.

Hopefully, this will pass in a few days....

I love you guys and will probably still comment on your blogs....but I just need a break.

No comments on this one. Just......me venting.

>>>><<<<

I feel like today I'm in slow motion but the day is going quickly and I'm being left in the dark.
*sigh*
I'm anticipating 2009 but part of me knows there will be no fireworks or some big realization. Life will go on.

That statement has no connotation or detonation. Its just being realistic.

I woke up content in being alive. I have STUFF, y'know...food, clothes, shelter. I want the extras: love, glamour...I have no idea how to achieve these things. I am not sure of the direction my life is going. But, in the same breath, I do know where I want it to go and that's exciting.

I always wonder...if something tragic happens...and my life is snuffed out, what will the pieces I've left behind look like?

I'm lonely.

This city is very alienating and leaves me feeling like I have to compete for everything - a chair on the train, crossing the street, jobs, everything....

It doesn't heighten my competency, it just makes me feel inadequate at times.

I want to get a new tattoo on my left wrist. I want it to say "Believe" possibly in Hebrew. I would get it in hieroglyphics if I could find it..hehe..I just need a reminder to believe in myself. I have SO MANY goals in my life. I have so many things I wish to do. Sometimes, it seems impossible.

How am I supposed to find a partner? I want to work for myself and make a lot of money. How will I do that without additional schooling in my field? How will I fix my credit? I'm so young and it is so shitty!

*sigh*

On the right hand I want to get hope tattoo. I'm not sold on it yet.

I want to have hope in that things will get better.

I wish they made a gps device that showed you where you were going in life and helped you stay on track.

I was in the 10% of my class. Classmates that went to Brandeis, NYU, Columbia, Morehouse, Villanova - who are magna cum laudes, investment bankers, pre-law, pre-med...and I

Am not any of those things.

I feel like wasted potential.

I don't know where I was going with this.

Fin.

Interesting!

Here's what dreaming about frogs mean...courtesy of go.og.le

Frogs may seem like little creatures, but in culture and mythology they have a huge impact on us. What do frogs mean in a dream?First, frogs have been part of mythology for thousands of years. Frogs represent the alter ego - the darker side that we all possess. The egotistical prince is turned into a frog and forced to be humble while waiting for a kind soul to return him to being human. Next, frogs are a part of every basic biology class. Students learn how frogs start from tiny eggs, grow into wriggling tadpoles and then hop out onto land. Frogs are a sign of change, of a new chance of life.If you're dreaming about frogs - do you feel a change coming up in your life? How will you deal with that change? Do you feel that someone in your life (maybe you) is feeling unappreciated - that people see your faults instead of your strengths? Find a way to get those strengths noticed!

i [heart] black men

aussie was insecure.
afroman was selfish.
blair and dame were hung up on women who were not me.
mr. phil was immature.

and they were vehicles by which i found out different aspects of myself. they allowed me to mature more. mature in relationships, in finding out what i do and do not like. sexually. emotionally. physically.

they all shaped me.

and i love them for who they are and who i wished for them to be.

i had a dream last night about a junior high school boyfriend. justin gunn. yes his real name. enough time has passed. no?

i dreamt we were in high school. our school was located in a subway train station. i kept trying to make out with him but aussie kept showing up. i threw him down stairs. i ran away. but he wouldn't leave me alone.

also, i wanted a frog really bad and i tried to steal one from the school who had various floors filled with frogs of different colors and sizes.

weird.

aussie will always be apart of me. as will justin gunn. and blair, afroman, and dame.

i just read mr. socialight's posts:
http://mrsocialight.blogspot.com/2008/12/tender-moments-of-intimacy-pti.html

and

http://mrsocialight.blogspot.com/2008/12/something-for-people.html

and it reminded me of why i love men. why i love black men.
black men just have a swagger unlike anyone else. and while i'm open to dating other races, i think i will always go home to a black man (who knows this post may come to haunt me in the future, you never know)

anywho....

give credit where credit is due.

to the black men who are smart, loving, hard-working, supportive, kind..who have integrity, dignity, and love of self and black women...Cheers to You!

Now, can I meet some of you in '09? Sheesh!

Why Lie?

I clearly should've waited to do that little meme.

Who's behavior were you appalled at?
BGF- stands for best gay friend 2 years ago when I first started this blog, he had that name.

History In Bullets:
*we worked together and became fast friends
*he started me doing the balls and then kinda left me without guidance
*we were still friends. he quit the job, moved to d.c. to be with his bf.had no money. I did soooo much for him
*he got arrested. I helped raise $1350 in bail.
*i added him to my phone which he never paid for 6 months until I turned it off...owes me $500 + for that (he was then referred to as FBGF - former best gay friend)

And his latest stunt - he was going to try and make life work in Houston. Two months ago, I called him and he mentioned he wanted to move back.

A month ago, a friend (Swagg B) told me he saw FBGF at a club in NJ. I was pissed. I thought maybe he was here for a weekend and didn't call me.

This weekend as RR is doing my hair to go out, he mentions he saw FBGF at a mutual friend's house a week ago and that it seemed like he's been in NJ for a minute.

Hmmmmmmm.........
OkI'llPlay.

I saw FBGF at the ball. He came up to me and was like "Oh hey. You look great. Have you seen ***?"

"Oh she's here?'

"Yes, I was on my way to see her."

"Wow, ok bye."

He goes to leave.

SwaggB wants us to take a pic together.

"Actually, I'll pass...you're not my favorite person right now."

"Wow ok."

"Yup. Bye"

"Nina don't be like that!" Swagg says.

"Fine."

*Fake smiles*

He hits me up on my.sp.ace.

You looked great...yada yada
I don't hold back.

I tell him how I feel - howyounotgonnaevencareabouthangingwithme

He says he was keeping a low profile. He was only in town for the holidays.

You've been here for a month. I'm tired of this. I can't allow you to continuously disappoint me.

You have no idea what has been going on. Its ok I still love you.

I will always love and be here for you if you really need me. But, why lie?

You're right. There was no need to lie. I love you.

Fuckin lame.

In short, I'm done. I can't hold on to toxic friendships. I've allowed this person to work me in many ways and I am through.
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With Every Heartbeat

You have been circling in my mind constantly, selfishly encompassing my thoughts, I remember -

Words said. Promises unspoken.

Did I imagine a life not possible?

Perhaps. I wish for you. I mean, wished for you. A constant reminder that decency and righteousness does exist in a man, Mr. Wise.

And, I remembered your music. Your one true passion. And I remembered King and Janus. And I knew you were there. Nestled between sugary sweet notes. A child's playground at times.
My.sp.ace.

And I searched for you. And with the input of your name, you were there. First person, first page.

You were always able to separate yourself from the rest.

My heart stopped for a moment. Should I listen to your words?

I had to- I listened to you speak of politics and baby mama drama. I saw pictures of the woman you hold queen and the child you fathered. Once upon a time, I wanted that to be me.

And I gazed upon your lips and eyes and hair matted into locs you once cut off as a sacrament of faith to God.

And I missed you instantaneously. I missed your distinct, your genius wordplay.

And I remember rainy nights spent on the phone, your spontaneous trips to NY, poetic cypher blazing between us. Intimacy in words.

I miss you.

For a moment ago, I lost a friend.
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Oh Christmas Tree!

I forgot to post pics of my trees...

one is white with purple and silver ornaments with crystal white lights. the other is green with brown and gold ornaments and yellow gold lights.

feast your eyes...lol

the green one has a pimp lean, but whatever...lol

2008 in review and I'm tagging b*****s

stolen from delusions of grandeur

So here’s my review of 2008…

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

Had sex with strangers...


2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't remember my resolutions...sad


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Hmmmmm....no

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What countries did you visit?

None...booo!

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

I think 2008 was all about finding my direction in life..now that i've found it partly, i want to walk in that path.


7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

hmmmmm....there are several DAYS not really dates.
the day we got a black man with SWAGGA in the White House...

the day i met aussie and realized not all dudes are assholes.

the day i laid my heart down on the ground for afroman to stomp on.

the day he actually did stomp on it.

the day i realized that although aussie had good intentions, he wasn't for me.

the day i started my other blog

the day someone started reading it.

the day i realized that i'm walking into a path destined for big things.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Starting my new blog and feeling like...whoa..hey...look at me. i can do this!



9. What was your biggest failure?

Another one bites the dust....I want to say my relationships with men. But, I've learned from my mistakes...


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not serious. Heartbreak..nothing more than that.


11. What was the best thing you bought?

Shoes and make-up!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Gi for being a great friend. Twin for being a rock. BFF for being her and all 3 for putting up with my shhh

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Aussie, Afroman and BGF (to be explained shortly)

14. Where did most of your money go? The usual: bills, balls, make-up... lol

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
New blog.


16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
don't know yet

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
- i. happier or sadder? a little happier
- ii. thinner or fatter? slightly fatter.
- iii. richer or poorer? slightly less poor

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Acknowledgement of the little voice in my head

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Longing for someone who doesn’t exist (amen Neemie)

20. Did you fall in love in 2008?
No. "thought it was but it wasnt'...." (yes, Jill)

21. How many one-night stands?
Zero. Once you get a taste....lol

22. What was your favorite TV program? The Hills, sadly

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Will keep it to myself

24. What was the best book you read?my own

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Kudu, Sam Sparro, The Ting Tings

26. What did you want and get? Him.

27. What did you want and not get? financial freedom

28. What were your favorite films of this year? Eagle Eye, Lakeview Terrace,The Day the Earth Stood Still

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 22. I had a nice dinner with friends.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Knowing what I really wanted

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Edgy

32. What kept you sane?
Music

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Rihanna

34. What political issue stirred you the most? Obama-rama!

35. Whom did you miss? Afroman until I didn't

36. Who was the best new person(s) you met?
2 new friends I met while doing stuff for my other blog...

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Wear black bras under black shirts, when you're photographed,. you'll thank yourself. Know what you want first. Please yourself first.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: It’s the same as last year’s:
'one is the magic number..." jill scott
'this used to be a funhouse. now we're full of evil crowns. i'm gonna start the countdown. i'm gonna burn it down down." -pink

tagging:

apricot, neemie (for 2008), monie, jane, mr.socialight, e, young woman, eb, liz, chris, kenya, la culture populaire, sydney, and everyone else i missed...

Everybody Nose

I stood there, masked in my shroud of intoxication. Sandwiched between a man so cute, I wanted to put him in my pocket, an older gentleman and a dude who would not stop staring at me.

Then, I smelled it. It was unmistakable. Afroman.

My eyes perused the crowd on the train even though I knew it was not.

And I remembered when things were good. Museum dates and spooning in our love cocoon.

For the first time in a while, I felt warmth. No anger, bitterness, or resentment. No love or longing for something that will never be.

Just remembrance of good times.
And gratitude for a moment in time.

Remembrance of a friend.

Funny how the nose remembers what the heart tries to forgets. I will always know your smile. I will always know your scent.
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Pulled the Xmas tree out my ass

I'm really proud of myself.

I bought my mom, bff, lp, and gi gifts. Good gifts. They would like. All hail Ni!!!

I still have to get jake and twin something. I want to go to a thrift store and get jake vintage ties. He got laid off his job. And I think he would appreciate it. I love that part of the giving process.

But anyway.....umm yea...if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all....so that's it.
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Still Feeling Like Mold

And I hope it passes soon.

I always thought of myself as an optimistic person and I've been faking it so my friends don't REALLY know how upset I am.

But, alas, here is where I can show my true emotions without reproach, right?

*sigh*

I stupidly left my ipod at work. On my desk behind my computer screen. Someone stole it.

Great!

I found another one on craigslist for $85.

However, a friend needed to borrow $50 for the week and Christmas is RIGHT HERE.

I had a novel idea.
Get my mom to buy it for me. :-)

Right? Wrong!

I called her and asked her if she bought me a gift yet. She said that she had. I said oh...well, someone stole my ipod and I found another one for $85.

She snapped on me, "Nina, Christmas is not like that this year. No one has money like that."

Let me rewind you guys back one week ago. She asked me about Christmas. I said that no one was really getting gifts from me. We're in a recession.

"Well, I'm not just anyone. I'm your mother and I want a gift."

"What do you want?"

"A gold necklace with a cross pendant."

"What?"

"You always do for your friends. That's what I want. You should do for me."

"Ok."

But I was fuckin pissed.
Especially in that moment, because I had just priced a necklace and the most conservative one was $75. I ended up getting a very nice one for $120.

Begrudgingly.

BFF said if I were going to do it without the true spirit of giving, then I shouldn't have done it. She's right. But, if above everyone else, she doesn't understand that times are hard for a young woman on her own, then where does that leave me?

I feel like throwing the shit at her.

Merry Fuckin Christmas!

I really just want a vacation from life. Just not dealing well.
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Fin

I'm drunk with sadness in my fortress of solitude. I've spent the last few hours in silence staring at the ceiling, hoping something would make some sense to me.

An hour and a half passed, Aussie's phone went straight to voicemail when I called him. Something said, call him back. It rang like 10 times, then voicemail. As soon as I hang up, I get a text from him.

A: We can chill tomorrow if you want.
Me: Why didn't you pick up when I called?

10 minutes later.

Me:Honestly, Aussie, this is not working for me. You changed. I have no idea why or if this is the person you always were. I changed, too. I'm picking fights with you and arguing and that's not even me. This doesn't make sense. I want to break up. We're better off as friends.
A: Ok.
Me: All you have to say to me is ok?

And reluctantly the tears came. Only a few and it was out of resentment, anger and disappointment.

I have been let down so many times by men, it is ridiculous. I'm sick of it. Still, I'm trying to hold on to a modicum of sanity and strength. I'm trying to rest assured that all men are not like this and that in the beginning, I was floating on air. I was happy once. I was able to forget and above all, I was hopeful.

And in the end, there is just silence. (He still hasn't responded)

Classic.
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Talented Tenth + Cabin Fever + Mind is Made Up

I was feeling so suffocated by my situation with Aussie. Like, I'm a china doll he keeps on the shelf and I'm gathering dust, not doing anything. I needed to get OUT.

As quiet as its kept, I've achieved a lot academically. And, I couldve achieved more....if only....I had the funds.

It pains me that I don't have a degree and that my life will be that much more difficult for me to advance in life because of it.

Last night, feeling feverish, I crashed a party of a junior investment banker at CitiGroup. One who hadn't been laid off and whom at the age of 23, makes double my salary + $10k for extra measure a year. And he's totally tall, dark and handsome. Like I like 'em. I've had a crush on Casey since high school.

He was the same dude I remember. Warm and sweet. I took his number. I really want to get to know him more. Trying to figure out how I can get in there.

BFF got so drunk she ended up throwing up in a bag in a cab on the way home. And let's just say these things: 1. She owes me dry cleaning for my coat 2. She owes me $17.50 for the cab ride 3. I'm pretty sure I touched her spit/vomit with my bare hands while trying to make sure her face was in the bag all the way so we didn't get stranded in the city at 2:30am. 4. Her friend since elementary school is an asshole who didn't help at all. I wanna slap that bitch...but, oh did I mention that she's Casey's close friend. He calls her his sister and will do anything for her.

Yes...this is my fuckin life.

Today, I didn't want to go out. I wanted to be laid up. With Aussie. Then a light bulb went off in my head. He didn't call me last night. The last (I dunno....10) times we've spoken have been initiated by me. I wanted to see if he would call me. If he did, we were gonna get it in.

Alas, 7pm hit and no call. Around 8:30p, I text him.

Me: I don't understand you. Why haven't you put forth an effort to see me?
:A: You haven't called me all day.
.Me: Yup. I wanted to see if you were going to make an effort to reach out to me

*crickets*

I've made up my mind. I'm sick of begging for attention. I feel as though he doesn't care and is careless when it comes to me.

I was talking to one of my gay friends.
He was like: LET ME GUESS... HE BROKE AND CANT DO MUCH! WANNA MAKE YOU FEEL BAD THAT YOU DO ALL THIS STUFF, AND HE CANT DO MUCH FOR HIMSELF OR YOU! SO HE PUT THAT SHIT ON YOU.
My mouth was open.
(Did I mention yesterday's argument was about him not picking up my phone calls. I called him out on it. He said...who am I to question him. When he has no idea what I do when I get off work. WHAT?)

So.................it's now its 9:45p. Its literally freezing temperature outside. I'm alone in the house with no intentions on going out. I'm listening to Kanye's 808's Album, being sad.

If he ever responds to me, I'll post it.
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Ugly World

There are days. There are moments when the ugliness of the world settles down among us. It gets on our clothes, in our hair. It clogs our arteries and it makes us wonder why is living so hard. It makes us forget the beauty in the world.

A close friend of my friend is HIV positive.

Our checks are all messed up. People didn't get overtime they were promised. Some people's direct deposits didn't go through. Why, you ask? Because they let someone who has no prior experience doing payroll do the job. Clearly, she doesn't know what the heck she's doing. Everyone is pissed.

A manager routinely gets high at work (not the organic stuff either....like heroine, coke, something). He was missing for 3 days. He came in today. His head was all cut up. Someone robbed him. He came in high as a kite.

People in our "European office" aka my job outsources to Serbia fucked up a job again. Who had to talk to a screaming customer? Me.

Aussie and I are fighting again. Our issues are not resolved. I don't even want to go through the ins and outs.

But, the arteries of my heart feel like they are tightening.

I just feel like rolling up in a ball in the corner and crying. But, I can't. I have to be strong.

I have to persevere.

Pieces of Me

We had been flirting shamelessly via text message. Him, safe in the Windy City and I in the City that Never Sleeps. We met somewhere in the middle. CraigDavid was my escape into a life for which I was not mature enough. And I was his lullaby baby - a flash of beauty in the midst of the mish mash of the city.

Alas, he did not know me.

I found myself in the midst of a conversation in which we talked about why we liked each other. I went first.

I liked his British accent, his dry humor, his kinky sexual deviance, and straight-forwardness. Moreover, I fell in love with his words. The way to my panties and my heart is through my brain.

He laced his lyrical douche in my bush. Lol

I will always remember his response to my assessment of him. "Wow, you appreciate the different facets of my personality. You see me in 3D."

Needless to say, he did not return the favor to me as much. I struggle with men who treat me as a trophy, a possession - a mantlepiece.

And I, remember the insecure girl who was really smart, but wanted to be seen as beautiful and I can't remember what it feels like to be appreciated for my mind. And now, I'm just beautiful?

(I'm just going through some stuff....sorry for the moody posts)
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Funhouse

I'm so confused.
I'm not sure if it is fear or realism. My thoughts have been to abort my relationship with Aussie. I don't want to be spoiled or if I'm just plain stupid, but that argument last week left me REELING.

I realized some things and I have to ask myself if these things make me comfortable or not.

1. He has to have things happen on his time frame or when it is convenient for him. If things are not on his time, he says its not a problem but he will cop a 'tude.
- I've been telling him that I want sex. He can easily come over after he gets off of work. He doesn't because he's tired. BUT, he wants me to come over to his job....At first, it seemed kind of sexy. Like, oooh let's sneak and do it. But now, it seems kind of pathetic. Like, I have to go to you. Once again, I have to go out of my way for him. And why do I want to do that when I have a nice cozy apartment and I have a nice bed? I constantly go out of my way for dude. I keep replaying when he said, I want him to break his back to see me. If I'm busy, I don't have time for the little people like him. Hunh?

2. The communication is just not there.
- I think we might've had 2 deep conversations outside of the this is me, my job, my family/living situation. I think some of the way he comes at things is very immature and illogical. Sometimes, I feel that he is not on my level mentally. And I hate to say that. We used to text all day, but now I'm making more of an effort. I text him, he doesn't answer for hours. I call him. He doesn't pick up. Often, he doesn't call me back. This is going to seem VERY petty, but I don't care.
But, tomorrow, Sunday (he works on Sundays), and Monday, I'm not going to text or call, just to see how long it will take him to contact me. I said these 3 days because tomorrow he works 7:30a-7:30p and he's desperate for entertainment. Today, I text(ed) him 9:45a. He hit me back at 11:15a. I responded. He hit me back at 2:30p. I responded. He hit me back at 6p. Wtf?
Addendum: I feel like flipping out now...why the fuck is he not picking up the phone?
I'm not the type of girl that gets mad at much....except when I can't reach you. ALL FUCKING DAY...especially when it was the polar opposite.

3. Money Matters
After the Afroman situation with me paying for everything. I want a man that can stand on his own. With Aussie, I won't have to pay for him because we wo do shit.
- Remember date night 2 weeks ago that got cancelled because he got "food poisoning" and then he told me that his phone was going to be over because he didn't have money. My gut tells me that he didn't really have food poisoning. He just didn't have money.
And I feel like his situation could be avoided if he just got a better job. I know the economy is tough, but he's not trying. Lack of ambition is not sexy.

I have more, I'm sure. I'm sick of bitching, but...I will add it because this is helping me to think about the situation clearly.
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Sending My Love

I don't know where you are, but I miss you.



I saw him get on the train and it couldve been your twin. He was short with locs and I didn't know another person could carry within them the essence that was so clearly you. And it made me crave poetry and incense. It made me miss the person I was, once upon a time.



Would you believe that headstrong little girl became this woman?



I can't explain the emotions behind your name when it escapes my lips, BrotherWise. My twenty-something year old mind still thinks in grandiose versions of love where I appear at your doorstep with whispers of love, my pride in the wind, just wanting you to come home to me.



You are my epitome of a man. Your back strong and your beliefs immovable.



Sadly, you believe we can not be together, our 5 year age gap too much. I wish that pillar of your many beliefs would tumble.



I still find you intriguing. I wish I could fall asleep in the recesses of your subconscious. I wish to visit the museum of your mind. I wish to hold hands. I wish to fall asleep in your bed once again and have you watch me all over again.



For with you, I knew I was precious. With you, I was loved.



as a sister.



And still, years have passed and I want...more.



Will this love dissipate? Will you ever disappoint me? You already have, dear sir. Yet, I love. Yet, I sit here in this city in which you said its hard for anyone to have an identity, far from you in every way. And I still....



Wonder...what if we only tried? Passion for you still boils inside of me. You are my dream deferred.

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Ugh!

I look like hell today. I feel like hell. I just want to turn over in my bed and frankly, I hate my damn job.

Today, is just so blah.

But, they say when you don't have anything good to say don't say anything at all.

I did my make-up on the train, like most days...this older lady, could been my mom's age, was reading a Vogue Magazine (so you know she was cool) looked up and mouthed, "your make-up is so fierce" and gave me a thumbs up. That put a smile on my face.

Anyway, I'm looking like the baby they took the candy from.

*sigh*
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Why Do You Have to Wear a Bra?!

I was on the train when a little girl asked VERY loudly, "Mommy, why you got wear a bra?!"

I ask myself the same shit everyday, lol.

Gi and I blew off my responsibility for the evening to have bad drinks at BBQ's.

We talked about sex and love.

"I'm sick of being responsible. I'm sick of being serious-minded. I just want to float away to la la land and just...be."

It just popped out of my mouth without me thinking about it and you know, I meant every word.

"Mommy, why I gotta wear a bra?!"
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Apricot Ripple Effect

I was on the train this morning and this very serious thug-type was reading...

Wait for it....

Wait for it....

The Bad Girls Guide to Sex

kind of like this

Loves it!


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Well...

We're not broken up. I went to see him after I got off from work.

It was 20degrees outside. Shit!

I just had to know either way, ya know.

He kissed me on the cheek as he opened the door for me and hugged me tight.

His eyes were just as sad as mine.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey."

"We need to talk."

"I know. I'm sorry. I feel like it was all just a misunderstanding and that I exaggerated things a bit in what I was saying. "

"That's great. I'm glad you feel like that. You know I'm big on words and using them to say exactly what you mean, but I just felt so disrespect ed. Like you didn't care. You were just popping off at the mouth on some whatever stuff. You need to know that's not cool."

"Yes, I didn't communicate what I was a trying to say properly. But you said you didn't have to break stuff down to me."

"Yes, because you know when you're saying something that will hurt someone's feelings. You know when you're saying something mean."

"Like what?"
(Monie's, Liz's, and E's words rushing back to me...just break it down, girl)

"You don't have to stutter. You want me to stay away from you. I'm treating you like a stranger. I think I'm better than you. I don't have time for the little people."

"Damn. Yea, I guess I see where you're coming from, now."

*rolls eyes internally*

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean those things. It was really a miscommunication," he said.

"I mean, did you think I was neglecting you? I told you I have obligations to these other things in my life."

"I did. I was looking at things differently. I don't look at it like that anymore. I understand. I just wanted to be there for you. I felt like you were busy being strong, since you're used to being alone."

(That stung a little bit)

"Its not me being strong. I'm a very private person."

"I remember that was one of the first things you said to me when we first started dating. I get it now. I don't have to be there all the time. I respect that. I was being selfish. You were right."

"I thought you didn't want to be with me."

"I thought the same about you. But, that's dumb. Its our first fight. Maybe we can break up after the 2nd fight. Ok?"

I smiled. It was like music to my ears.
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Sad

"I admit I still fantasize about you." - Kanye West,

I just want to wallow in silence and listen to my thoughts and the sound of my teeth grinding together. That's what I do when I'm stressed.

I feel as though I've been slapped.

And like there was some big test I failed. I know I did.

I'm not ready to let go. I was just getting used to the idea of a partner. Of a reason to smile when love songs came on my iPod.

and tomorrow, it will be gone?

Is it because of me? Am I the one at fault? Did I not do my part?

I did my best. I think.

I know. I did.

I learned with Afroman, you can't force a puppy to be a dog. So, I must let go gracefully.

But, this hurts.
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More Fighting

Aussie and I go at it again.

It was 3pm before I realized he REALLY wasn't going to contact me. So, I started off the text chain.

(Once again...copied directly from my in/outbox)

Me:So, that's what it is? We're not going to speak all day?
A: What's up nina?
Me:Nothing. How r u?
A:Fine and you?
Me:I'm fine.
A: Great.

3 hours pass.....nothing.

Me: Wow. That's all u can muster up the energy to say to me. Interesting

A:Well I know how busy you are and tiring work is so you need all your energy. I don't think you have time for the little ppl such as myself

Me: How thoughtful. Well, wouldn't want to add to your broken back by asking you to break your fingers by texting me. I guess when u grow up you'll call me.

A:And I guess when you get time you'll call me

Me:Well, enjoy waiting for that call.

A:LOL I will. I got time.You know what so funny? How am I wrong for feeling the way I do? Do you even know why I'm upset?

Me: Why are you upset?

A: Wow. You seriously don't know?

Me: No, I don't.

A:First off why are you upset?I don't wanna make you look like the "bad guy" again. So why are you upset?

Me:Why don't you tell me why ur upset? Because u keep saying things that's pushing me further away from u

A: What am I saying?

Me: Hmm...I really don't have to break it down for u

A:So how am I suppose to fix the problem if your not speaking on it? You know what don't break it down nina it's cool. Closed mouths don't get fed and I'm not ms cleo so don't speak. Your definetly not hurting me by doing that

Me:Says the man who won't tell me why he's upset

A:Yup because I don't have a problem speaking on why I'm mad but apparently you do.But like you said you don't have to break it down for me because u guess you feel like your too good or something. Never met a woman that didn't wanna talk but now I've seen it all

Me:What makes u think I'm too good? All of a sudden, I'm too good, you break your back, and all this attitude is coming up.

A:Because I don't know where all this "I don't have to say this or say that" came from. Like you the queen of England.All this " I don't have to break it down to you" and " I let you know what you need to know stuff" is not cuttin it. You treat strangers in the street like that. Not ppl you care about and especially not your man.And then you got the nerve to say I'm pushing you away? If your gonna act like that and treat me like a stranger then just do me a favor and stay away from me

Me: I would just think you know when u say something that would push someone's buttons. I shouldn't have to say that something you said was fucked up. You want me to leave you alone? You better think very careful. Because I will...

A: And like I said nina if gonna treat me like a stranger then yes leave me alone. I didn't studder or mispell anything.

(Uh, yea genius..ya did!)

So..he calls me and we get nowhere. He bitched and bitched about me not seeing him and spending time with my friends.

I didn't say anything. I let him speak. Then I said...okay. We hung up.

Now, I'm thinking...how the fuck do I get OUT of this in the most decent way?

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Are You Bold Enough to Reach for Love? -Janelle Monae

We spoke on Sunday night about me taking off today so that we could spend the day together.

I've been super duper stressed. My right eye has been killing me. Kind of like I'm about to burst a blood vessel.

Last night, I went to BBQ's with Gi and BFF. I needed a drink - bad. My computer crashed for the 3rd time in a 2 weeks. My boss was being a dick. It was just a bad day. Most girls who have someone in their lives would run to their significant others. I thought of this as I was walking into the restaurant with my girls. Nope, this was way better.

Aussie has been stressed and frustrated about his financials. He's been more of an addendum to the things on my head than an escape.

In the back of my mind at dinner, I had that we were going to meet up after he gets of at 10pm. I'd get some. We both win. Right? Wrong?

He didn't feel like walking from 33rd and 5th to 42nd and 8th. About 10 blocks and it was mild outside.

I was annoyed, but I brushed it off.

Today I took off. I was wishy washy about it, but did anyway.

I needed to get rid of this headache.

(These are texts copied and pasted. Note the spelling and grammar...ugh)

He text me. Goodmorning. How is work.
Me. (At around 12) Haha. Afternoon, work is great. I'm not there.
Him. Oh

(Wtf is oh?)
No text messages for 3 fucking hours(!!!)

Him: So what are you going to do for the rest of the day.
Me: Well, I wanted to spend it with you in the bed, but that doesn't seem like that's what you're about so I'm going to go hang out with friends.
Him: I didn't even know you took today off. You didn't let me kno anything. All you said yesterday was that you don't know what your gonna do and I said well let me know.
Me: Well, I just did..so, I'm gonna hang with some friends.
Him: Yea you let me know now like in the afternoon time but whatever.

(I hate when people say whatever to me. It irks me. I was telling myself to let it go, let it go....but I couldn't let it go.)

Me: Yup. Whatever. Nina's the bad guy as always
Him:Your not the bad guy nina. Go ahead and do you. I'm ok. Once again you head out wit your friends and expect me to break my back. If you really wantedto see me you could have yesterday after you got off but you were too busy getting "tipsy". So have fun

(I was cursing audibly by this point)

Me:Yes, Aussie....I went after a stressful day at work to hang with my friends. Yes I asked you "to break your back" to see me because I was in your area. I didn't realize. like taking an entire day off for u was never a second thought for me. Asking u to see me after a 4-hr workday is soo much. Coming to spend 3 hrs with u after I worked for 8 is so easy. I didn't realize.

(I was LIVID. If we were on the phone. I wouldve yelled and screamed...its over! Fuck you)

He wasn't done yet.
Him:ok but wouldn't have been easier to see me before you left? You are in the area before you left work
Me:No. It would've been easier for YOU. It's always about what's most convenient for u. Y would I go to 33rd & 5th to go to 42nd & 8th? When I work closer to 42nd.
Him:Ok Nina. I get where your comming from.

(I hate that he can't spell normal, simple words)

I didn't say anything back. There's nothing else to say....
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Doubt

"Twin, when you were dating Dude, did you ever have questions in your mind about whether or not it would work? I mean, did you question your compatibility?"

"Of course, Nina. A lot."

"And ultimately it didn't work..."

He laughed.

I like Aussie a lot, but I question his lot in life. My drive to do things is immense. I procrastinate like shit, but when I finally DO get to it, there's no stopping me!

My make-up blog was supposed to have been launched 4 months ago...LOL.

But, I'm doing my shit.

*sigh*

I don't want to bitch about the bf endlessly (or endorse my other blog endlessly..hehe), but....Twin gave me something to snack on.

"At this age, are you looking for a husband? The standards you have in mind seem like the ones someone have when they're looking for a life partner. Maybe you should not lower your standards, but think realistically."

True.
I don't want to be married right now, but I don't want to jump from dude to dude. I want LOVE! I want someone to come home to. I want someone to build with. I want someone who knows the difference between 'your' and "you're".....

*sigh*

But the sex is good.....

*giggles*
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Evening Biscuits

I'm going to try my best to update both blogs as much as possible.

Tonight, Aussie and I had a deep conversation. He was upset at a conversation he overheard. Two women were talking about how their men take care of them. This is a sore subject for Aussie because he basically got his pockets run over by 2 women who did nothing but had their hand out.

Now, he's looking at me like...please don't be like them! In our short time of being together/knowing each other, I've not asked Aussie for anything. I've bought him dinner twice. He's bought me dinner 3 or 4 times. I've cooked for him 3 times (so that counts...the food didn't just appear out of the thin air).

There were times he's offered to pay and I've paid for myself.

Aussie just went on and on and on about it. He hates women like that who just sit on their asses and don't work and expects the man to pay all of their bills. Why are there women out there like that? What's wrong with them?
Yadda, yadda...

Until, I broke it down.

"You want to complain. Why, Aussie? Tell me. Because you allowed these women to use you. You know, I was dumb once. I allowed a man to sit on his ass while I did the heavy lifting. And when I realized it, I stopped it and now, as much as I like you. If you're not doing shit with your life, you will be gone. You want to know why? Because I've learned from my mistakes. Am I disappointed in myself? Yes. Did I know better and still did it? Yes. Am I angry and telling you about it? No. At the end of the day I can only be mad at myself and that's your problem. You can't blame those women. If whomever they're dealing with buys them a helicopter tomorrow. So be it. It's not your life. OBVIOUSLY, the person you're with is not like that. Learn from your and move on."

He was silent for a moment.

'You're right.'

"I know."

We laughed.

Honestly, I don't want to hear about it anymore. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I'm being punished for something another chick did long ago. Noooot a good look.

If he brings it up, I'm going to tell him just that.

Sheesh, and I thought Afroman screwed me up...Lol
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Make-Up Blog!!!!

Hello All,

I have created a make-up blog.

Please check it out:

Da Lipsitck Bandit

Let me know what you think!

I'm excited and nervous and I feel like I'm operating in what I need to do. I am linking the blog here but will not link that blog with this..if that makes sense. I'm not ready to tell all of the world about this blog. Weird, right?

At least you all know what I look like....lol

ADDENDUM:
Thanks for stopping y and your kind words...I appreciate it more than you know...