Monday, December 29, 2008

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I feel like today I'm in slow motion but the day is going quickly and I'm being left in the dark.
*sigh*
I'm anticipating 2009 but part of me knows there will be no fireworks or some big realization. Life will go on.

That statement has no connotation or detonation. Its just being realistic.

I woke up content in being alive. I have STUFF, y'know...food, clothes, shelter. I want the extras: love, glamour...I have no idea how to achieve these things. I am not sure of the direction my life is going. But, in the same breath, I do know where I want it to go and that's exciting.

I always wonder...if something tragic happens...and my life is snuffed out, what will the pieces I've left behind look like?

I'm lonely.

This city is very alienating and leaves me feeling like I have to compete for everything - a chair on the train, crossing the street, jobs, everything....

It doesn't heighten my competency, it just makes me feel inadequate at times.

I want to get a new tattoo on my left wrist. I want it to say "Believe" possibly in Hebrew. I would get it in hieroglyphics if I could find it..hehe..I just need a reminder to believe in myself. I have SO MANY goals in my life. I have so many things I wish to do. Sometimes, it seems impossible.

How am I supposed to find a partner? I want to work for myself and make a lot of money. How will I do that without additional schooling in my field? How will I fix my credit? I'm so young and it is so shitty!

*sigh*

On the right hand I want to get hope tattoo. I'm not sold on it yet.

I want to have hope in that things will get better.

I wish they made a gps device that showed you where you were going in life and helped you stay on track.

I was in the 10% of my class. Classmates that went to Brandeis, NYU, Columbia, Morehouse, Villanova - who are magna cum laudes, investment bankers, pre-law, pre-med...and I

Am not any of those things.

I feel like wasted potential.

I don't know where I was going with this.

Fin.

7 comments:

Young woman on a journey said...

Girl, keep your head up. you are beautiful and talented and intelligent! Trust me, we may all be on different paths but we are all going to the same place. not everyone takes the same path. but you can't compete with other people. its like those people who pass you by in traffic, only to get stuck at the same traffic light. what is meant to be will be, whether its now or later! Stay up!

f.B said...

Sometimes it feels like every day is a struggle. I'm dealing with this right now. I went to a great undergrad, and just left a really good law school but didn't pass the bar. And so the people I graduated with are making pounds of money an hour and loving life, while I'm just holding on and studying for the bar again. I like to think this means my story will be even more amazing when it's complete.

Chris said...

Honestly, even though it sounds so SO played out...everything happens for a reason. So you really just have to hang in there. Take it one step at a time, you can only take on one big task at a time...you wanna fix your credit...focus on it for a minute...I did that, and now I'm halfway through after 7 months of it...just hang in there, your dream will come.

miss halimah. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
miss halimah. said...

one day at a time.
don't be so hard on yourself; where you are now is a lot further than most.

take care!

(www.suigenerisboutique.com)

Liz said...

hey mama... i commented on lipstick b4 reading most recent post... sorry hun. take your time and i'm praying for ya

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