Sometimes, I'm the Asshole

Last night, I dreamt Aussie was on my couch with the tv on and I was sitting on his lap kissing him, him kissing me, and holding me.

I love the way he kisses me. He kisses my lips, then he hugs me close and then kisses my temple and hugs me again and kisses my cheek.

I swear. The entire dream was this way.

And I woke up with a warm and fuzzy feeling and a little afraid about having that level of dependency on him.

There were a barrage of different emotions and then it set in. I fucking miss him

And so, I picked a fight and pushed him away.

Then, I tried to fix the fight to no avail and he didn't come over.

I felt so dumb.

As a couple, we needed to connect today and I fucked it up. By the time i talked him into coming over, his stomach felt queasy and he ended our conversation saying, "Love muffin, you're so pretty. I'd hate to throw up on you."

All I can think of is his skin on my skin, his lips on mine, the way our bodies respond to each other - it is pure poetry.

I'm trying to keep my head about me while whistfully being carried in his arms. He is not perfect, but for the moment, he is mine.

These thoughts are driving me crazy. I need some sleep.
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Silly Nina

All day, I wanted to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

None of the stores I went to (okay, only went to 1 store) had cheese slices in the pack. Exasperated (with my feet hurt and cold) I went home and at nothing.

I go in the fridge at 10:30 ag night. What is sitting there? Cheese slices...

Boooooooo!

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Dear Old Lover

I could never regret
Night spent fast asleep
Safe in your arms

I gave you
What I thought was the best I had

And I still remember kisses
Sleepless night listening to the sound of your voice

I felt so lucky
So spoiled
So proud to be your girl

And love
I will always have in my heart for you

But I must forget you
I must forget the brown of your eyes
The white of your smile
The girth of your dick
The width of your back

I must forget you

In order to live again

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ADD Roommates + Finding my Voice again

After crying after writing my last post, I had a story idea. By the time it was completely formulated in my mind, RR was home.

Fuck.

He's so loud, talkative, and loud. He can't just sit down and just be. He has to say something, do something. It's so annoying.

I rewrote my story board. I'm creating a new novel competely. Anywho, I wanted to type it up but sadly, the computer is in the living room where RR sleeps. He was talking loudly on the phone, a movie was playing.

Listen, I want to write. Please don't talk to me. Lower your voice, as well, please.

I said it as sweetly as possible.

Can I go in your room?

Sure.

He went inside, the door was closed, but I could still hear pieces of his conversation, even with my iPod up as high as I could get it without causing some sort of permanent hearing damage.

He came out.

Sis, I want you to wear your hair like this.

I was irritated, visibly. I felt like a cat whose hair was standing on up.

He continued his conversation.

I tried to get into a pattern. He came out and tapped me on the shoulder. He played in my make-up and showed me some eyeshadow he put on.

YOU'RE LIKE A FUCKING CHILD!!!

I said, umm..I really just want to focus on this and write.

Oh, sorry.

His friend hung up with him.

He got his iPod. I heard him dancing behind me. I hate when people do things behind me.

Pissed, my concentration broken, I gave up, am writing this, and am gonna try and go to sleep.

I miss living alone. I gotta kick his ass out, for real.

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Whispers in the Dark

Aussie and I were supposed to go on a date. He text me 10:30 this morning, telling me he didn't feel so well. I knew Date Night was cancelled and immediately fell into a foul mood.

Am I kidding myself about him? I've told myself he's so great and that we can build together, but I'm not so sure. Your comments on past posts are sinking in and now I can't differentiate my voice from yours.

I so desperately want to believe in the purity of Aussie's heart - that he's not trying to work me or use me. I want to believe in the power of love and to fight against being jaded.

I decided to create a make-up blog...links and pics to come on monday or as soon as I can get to a computer. I'm so excited and gripped with fear. What if? What if I'm not good enough and I'm sniffed out as an imposter. A makeup posseur...my gosh!

I'm insecure about everything. I don't know how to smack myself out of this.

To top it off, I'm fucking cold.

I'm so mad at Aussie. He has food poisoning. It was his turn to pick the date. He picked ice skating and we can't go. More so, I'm pissed that he can't come over and let me play nurse. I need some physical satisfaction, too. I've become rather addicted to him in that way, wanting it 3 or more times a week.

What's worse, I'm so bottled up in myself, I can't breathe (metaphorically speaking).

Just having a bad day....
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Liberation

I was born from the
Expectation of greatness
Nursed at the breast of amazing heights
I am the child of slaves
Slave master's blood runs through my veins

My freedom of mind liberates my shackles of defeat
While the dogs sniff me out
I am Harriet Tubman with the shotgun

Freedom or death, I shout.

I am me.

I know no other word but victory

I

Stand upon the horizon of a new day.

I

Stand on the brink of newness
Armed with the mirror of reality
The coldest bitch ever

I take a long hard look and smile.

I am me.
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delete

i wish i could delete you

and act like
once upon a time,
your smile did not light up my heart

fairy tales only appeal to the little girl

in i

try to fight against you with every
fiber of my being

in love with you is detrimental
to my way of life

i suffocate against the memories of
what we used to be
what we could've been

and i

know this is for the better

but my hunger pangs
and my heart bursts
and i

wish that i knew better

or with that delete button

you would be eternally erased.
i don't want to love again

if this is the feeling of a well being dried up

the sahara is located in my chest cavity
and you
have found a better version of me

and i

wish that i could delete you

forget you ever existed

i whisper i hate and love you at the same time

the mind does not compute this
the heart kicks back syntax errors
for you i can not replace his face on yours

although i will try

and in the future there will be
a better version of you

until then....

say you will...

i want to

kiss the sky
and drink whipped cream clouds

let me

take me by the hand
and lead me
wherever you want
baby

i trust you
as long as you treat me
like
your sweet little delicate thing

i'm your sweet tea
on the porch on a hot day
you are my shelter from the rain

i want to be edgy and chic
i want to be your babydoll
i want to be all the sides of me

and i want it to be okay

rub my hair.
kiss the nape of my neck
hold me in your arms

tell me you will
tell me i can
tell me it will
be okay.

Giving Thanks

Yesterday, I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for the first time.



So exciting!



I made yellow rice, mac n cheese, corn, string beans, ham, cornbread, brownies, and a marble cake from scratch.



Delish.



This was only for 3 people...did I mention that? Lol



I got raves from my guests: ReluctantRoomie and Aussie.



We played cards and talked smack. So much fun!



We didn't do this last night. So, this is what I'm thankful for:



* a job (!!)

* friends that love and support me

* self-esteem and confidence (RR said that people know not to mess with me of respect and fear in the knowledge I can decapitate with my tongue. vastly different from 16-year old Nina for sure)

* creativity

* an outlet for my neuroses and a blog fam that doesn't judge me (too much, lol)

* knowledge of self (I have a long way to go, but I know who I am as a black woman, I know who I am as a plus-size woman, and I know who I am a friend/lover/sister - divine!)

* a bright future

Lastly, but not least..thank you. Thank you guys for reading my blog. Thank you for your comments. Thank you for blogging. Thanks for allowing me a peak into your lives and allowing me to comment on it. Thank you for showing me, I'm not so crazy after all and you go through the same things as I. Thank you for smacking me into reality sometimes. For your cyber-hugs...I hope to meet all of you one day!



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Money Matters?

Yesterday, Aussie and I were having one of our many daily conversations. He brought up that he was afraid for his security guard license.

Did I ever mention what he does for a living? Hmmm

Oh well. He's a security guard of an office/residential building.

I forgot the reason why he mentioned it or how we got on the subject, but basically licensed people make more money than guards who are not. Yet, he's not taking advantage of it and he doesn't want to go to another agency because he's comfortable where he is. Then he mentioned he was making $X dollars an hour.

If I were a cartoon....my hair wouldve shot up to the top of my head.

He's making half as much as me. HALF. Exactly. I was making more than him when I was 13.

We've talked a lot about his desire to move out of his grandmother's house. He's hinted at the fact that in a year, he could see himself living with me. There are several things he wants to do. I mean these may just be pillow plans. You know plans you make in the midst of puppy love or because you really like the person but aren't quite sure about it.

But, when I heard his salary and the fact that he banks 32 hours a week, I just don't see it.

He said that he has this job and the number of hours because he was going to school. He decided to take the semester off and isn't going back until the summer or as late as the fall.

Yes, that's the same thing I said 2 years ago.

I already told him in the midst of the pillow talk, if we move in together or even if he decides to move on his own, he needs to save religiously for 6 months to a year. I learned my lesson.

I told him, without knowing his salary, that if he's planning on moving in with me, he has to save for that amount of time. Especially, if he moves in with me and I would do the same. Why? Because I want a safety net if the economy refuses to turn around any time soon.

I think he understood but was under the impression he would just waltz in with a bag and set up shop. Ummmm, no.

(Plus, I didn't tell him, but I think I would want to do a joint account just for house bills to come out of...but that could be me just pillow planning, too)

Why do I feel this way? Because I'm accustomed to this lifestyle I've created for myself and I don't want to roll back to dorm-style living. It was cute - for a season. But, watching Judging Amy in the middle of the day is not the biz for me right now.

I'm trying to tell myself it's no big thing. We're ok. We're happy. The future is not even promised and so I should focus on today.

I just want to make sure that of we do get to the future, that it is healthy.

What do you guys think? Chris, Torrance, Mr. Socialight? What is the male perspective. I'm counting on the smart savvy ladies: Monie, Eb, Neemie, Jane, Liz, E, Young Woman...really....anybody I missed....

*Disclaimer: I may be making it out to be more than it is, however, I'm very Type-A (you should know this) and I NEEEEEEEEED to know certain things before I get into it. Why waste my time, if it's not going to work out in the end...


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New Layout

You likey?

I have my moods and I thought the old layout was kind of....juvenile.

I feel the itch to change my look ever so often.

If you're not on my blog list, it's because the widget was lost and I had to add everyone again. Or it means you haven't posted in a while and your url is not even in my browser (side eyes Jane, Liz, E, and Monie....) *ahem*

Thanks for your understanding.

Feel free to leave a comment to remind me to add you...much appreciated!

Red Panties (cont'd)

He stopped, kissed me, and entered me.

It felt good but I knew he was uncomfortable.

Let's move this to the bedroom.

He followed me and we continued on until we were sweaty and panting. We lay there, our legs entangled.

He stared at me. I'm sorry, he said.

For?

I felt like I came fast. The lights were on and I could see everything. It was amazing. Your face is so pretty. Your expressions, the sounds you make, watching me put the dick in your pussy. It was too much. I couldn't focus.

I laughed. We just had sex for 40 minutes, babe.

I felt like I was quick.

I kissed him. You were fine. You wanted the lights on.

I know. I didn't know what I was doing to myself. Self-destructing.
I laughed.

We talked some more. He showed me his Chip n Dales dancer moves. We played around.

I got up. Used the bathroom. Turned the lights out.

He grabbed me from behind and wrestled a little.

We settled down again, cuddling.

I want to introduce another woman into our relationship, he said.

Oh?

Yes, X-Box 360.

How dare you mention her name?
He laughed. I'm going to get her either Wednesday or Friday. You're not going to like me once I get it.

Yes, I know.

We laid around some more.

He asked me if I've ever had a one night stand or friends w/benefits situation.

I was stuck on my little Janet Jackson syndrome. Like, think I'm innocent but know I'm not. (Yes...Ms. JJ has a syndrome. She still uses a baby voice at 40+)

I told him about Blair. Well, the basics...lol

He told me about some around the way chick.

He asked me if I ever dated an ugly dude. I told him about my high school "sweetheart."

He told me about another girl he met.

I asked him about his first time.
He started at 18. I was surprised. He said it was with a big girl who was self-conscious. She cut a hole in her sweat pants because she didn't want him to see her naked. He said they had sex like that for a while until she could get comfortable.

I told him I was 13 and after hearing his story I feel like a whore..LOL.

He said he knows I wasn't and he wasn't judging me. I knew he wouldn't.

Our sex is different, I said.

Yes, I noticed, more hugging, kissing and stuff. I feel like its more intimate.

You love me...I said in a joking manner.

I do. I love your body. Every curve, every smell, every taste, every nook and cranny.

He slapped my ass.

He said he wants to fuck me against the wall. I shouldn't be afraid because he's not going to drop me.

He began to fondle me.

[Enter Round 2]

We hugged and cuddled some more.

This week will make one month. You remember the date?

He drew me close. No.

I think its the 27th.

You're making it up.

No, I'm not.

Ok, the 27th.
I didn't feel panic or doubt or uncertainty. Just a smile spreading across my face.

It was getting late. He had to be on the other side of Queens at 8am.

Get out of here.

I watched him dress.
You are so sexy, I kissed him.

I get it from you, gorgeous!

I hugged him.

I can't wait for you to meet my dad.

What?

Don't worry. He'll love you.
You actually work...lol
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Red Panties and Silver Heels

Aussie came over tonight. I hadn't seen him since Wednesday when we fought...like literally - or rather, when I kept slapping and punching him. I was having a bad day. He took it like a champ, though.



I came to the door with 4 1/2 inch black shoes with silver heels,bra, red panties, and a black semi-sheer dress on. The lights were on. He had a bag with him. I pulled it off his shoulder, took off his coat, pulled off his shirt. Fell to my knees, took off his belt, unbuttoned his pants.



He stopped me.

Baby, I haven't seen you in a while. Let me see what you look like.



I got up.I stepped back. Confused. I did a spin for him.He kissed me and hugged me tight. You smell soo good. You always do. I shrugged.



I sat him on the couch. I knelt down in front of him, took off his shoes. I pulled off his pants, down his boxer briefs and looked him in the eyes, smiling before I started sucking his dick.



His eyes were closed, his toes were curled. I stopped.



No one is going to cum so early in the night.



I got up and bent over, giving him a peak of my red lace boyshorts.



Mmmm...I like that. I missed you, love muffin.



I said nothing. I wanted his tongue on my clit. He took the cue.


Damn, you're not playing tonight.I laughed.

I missed you.Now eat my pussy, I said looking in his eyes.


He pulled off my panties. They got stuck on my shoe. Lol. He pulled off my dress. I took off my bra. He kissed and massaged my breasts. He opened my legs and held them back by my ankles. He lapped and sucked at my clit. He penetrated me with his tongue.



Enough of that. Fuck me, I said, a little surprised at my tone.



He looked at me, smiling.



....To be continued



Aussie put my ass to bed. I can't even type the rest of this...Tomorrow folks...

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Scabs

I was on F.aceB.ook looking at the lovely Monie's photography which is really cool and I saw Afroman (for those of you who don't know AM. We were together for a while. I liked him for 5 years before we got together. I loved him A LOT. We failed and we both have been carrying a torch for him ever since) had a new picture up. its really funny. He looked like Rick James. So, I decided to check out what other stuff he had on there. As I perused the page, I noticed he had a pic of him and his ex looking real cozy on there. Pics of her and he, notes from her.

Did I mention this is the chick we have had arguments over? And he lives with her? And I asked him last week if he was seeing anybody? And he said he was dating around or some shit?

My face got hot.

Its not that he's dating some girl. Its HER. And that he lied about it. And that I fucking called it and he told me I was wrong.

So, of course, I text him:

Me: R u back with L?
AM: U can say that? Where did that come from?
Me: I took a look at ur FB profile. For how long?
AM: A month or so
Me: And when I asked u last week abt ur love life, y didn't u tell me?
AM: Felt kinda uncomfortable
Me: Why?
AM: Not really sure. Just does
Me: Hmm. It seems kinda shady because I asked u directly. Like, you lied.
AM: I didn't give u a straight answer that's tru.
Me: That's bullshit
AM: What is
Me: U didn't give me a straight answer so u didn't lie? U feel uncomfortable but u don't know why? It just is...that's bullshit. U want to be friends but that's not respecting me as a friend. U don't know how awkward it was to tell u I like someone else? I mean really....but I did.
AM: I really didn't mean to disrespect you. It's strange for me to talk to u about stuff like that. We never had that type of relationship. I really do appreciate you being straight up with me. But if u choose not to inform me about people you are dating. I will take no offense

And then I thought about what I was going to say for a while....then I wrote:

Its funny..u said u used to text L abt me. Of course u don't care if I choose to disclose my relationship status with u or not because it means u don't have to. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. I'm over it and you.

And, I felt like crying because I knew what I was saying was that I don't want to love him anymore. I'm finally just done. He can't be the person I think of when certain love songs come on. He can't be the person in the back of my mind that I remember for that type of love. It just makes no sense.

Of course I text Gi. She said something that made it all clear.

Its time for you to just move on. No use opening old wounds.

And I remembered something someone said about me about 2 years ago.

Two things about Ni:

1. She doesn't mince words and she can decapitate you with her tongue.

2. When she's ready to move on, it can be like you never existed.

And these things are true.

So. I will not pick at the scabs, I will simply let them heal. Hopefully, over time, you won't be able to differentiate between where the scar ended and my skin begins.
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questions

My mother died when I was 3 years old and I always wondered what type of person she was. Besides knowing she was dark-skinned, slim, with a mean left hook, a temper, and left-handed, I wanted to know if she was like me. Or rather, I like her.

On that train of thought, I also have questions for the universe, ex-lovers. This post is dedicated to: La Culture Populaire’s blog post:

1. Elphin, why did you cheat on me with that skank, treat her better than me, and then ask to marry me a year later? The why did you date that white girl and tell me it's because she looks just like me but white and that made it that much better?
2. ChurchBoy, are you really gay? Will you ever let your hair down?
3. Afroman, when will it ever feel right again?
4. Marshall, will we have a chance or am I just a silly little girl in many ways?
5. Why am I wasting my time at this job?
6. Aussie, are you for real? Because I don’t think I can handle heartbreak.
7. Will my book ever be published?
8. Joe, why did you say you wanted a girl just like me only to cheat and become abusive towards me?
9. Temper, why don’t you come at the right time? You should’ve been there to help me beat that ass at that precise moment!
10. Why do I seek solace in being alone all the time?
11. Why am I so messy?? My messiness kept me from getting laid last night. Ugh!
12. Why is it so hard for me to make the pieces fit in my life? Why is it always like i'm humpty dumpty and i will never be put back together again?

What are those burning questions you guys have? Could be silly. Could be personal. As long as it’s real.

Husband Material

I sat in Cat's car talking about pageant stuff with the heat blowing. I saw him outside talking to a woman in a car.

"Marshall?" I stared in disbelief. The last time I saw him, he was visiting his mother from some far away place - Atlanta, Alabama - somewhere. He was with his girlfriend. Needless to say our conversation was very short.

I was immediately transported to a summer night impromptu cookout with my family. We were in the middle of a card game. I spotted him from the top of the driveway. I watched him walk, my mouth agape.

"Hey Marshall!" my cousin broke my gaze.

"Hey Cuz. Nina, how are you?"

I could only muster a wave.

My entire family didn't even wait for him to go inside before they laughed.

"Ni, close your mouth," my mother scolded.

Is it cliche to say I had a crush on the boy next door?

Boy is now a man and was materialized in front of me. I still had my mouth hanging open as I did before.

I waved to him. He looked confused.
He walked over to me.

"Girl, you better get out the car and give me a hug. "

I obliged.

He felt like a big teddy bear.

We chatted for a second. He's back home (!!!) His mom isn't doing so well.

I gave him my number.

I got back in the car.

"Damn Ni...that's husband material right there."

"Yup. Aussie better watch his back."

We both laughed knowing on some level it was true.
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No! Say it Isn't So!!!!

My work situation has been straight JACKED!

Last week, in addition to taking all the job duties from my team, they hired my old boss...Aladdin.

They fired 2 people: one of them does payroll (!!!), the other slapped Aladdin 8 times (!!!) when he was trying to fire him.

Yes the (!!!) is needed.

Today, they fired the Jr VP of Sales and the HR person. (Shit!!)

They've taken my entire team from me. I feel like my days are numbered. I've never been so scared for a job and it's ridiculous....
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Amaaazing

1 month ago today, I blogged about a dude I met off of POF. I called him POFGuy1 and thought he was short.

Today. I checked my phone history of the number of calls place between Aussie and I in the past 30 days.

205 calls placed between us.

(81 calls between BFF1 and 100 calls between BFF2)

Craaaaazy how things work.

It doesn't include texts and e-mails and I don't even LIKE being on the phone.

Ahhhhh.....the honeymoon phase.

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Oops!

So

1. Aussie and I have been together 3 weeks not 2. Not that that makes any difference (neemie) lol...I agree! It is fast, but I made a decision to do what I want to do...and I figure as long as he doesn't give me the clap. I'm good.

2. #1 is a stark contrast from my Type-A, things must be a certain way personality. It's freaking me the hell out, but I also kind of like it! (hums Tamia .."my mind says slow it down girl. this thing right here is too soon. my heart says keep it moving.two thoughts but i'm not confused."

3. Ummm...Mr. Socialight.... *smh* lol

New Blogs!!!

So, I've been exercising my little fingers over at TwentySomething Bloggers....

and I have found some really (really) cool blogs. I will add them to my blogroll...
(sorry for not linking)


http://purplevintagespaceprincess.com/

http://aijuswanawrite.blogspot.com/

http://liffy.blogspot.com/

http://seattle20-something.blogspot.com/


These blogs are great!

Commitment Issues

Aussie left about 20 minutes ago.

He told me he can't spend the night because his grandmother isn't comfortable with that idea She wants to make sure he is safe. He said he's been talking her down and she may warm up to the fact that he's spending the night in another woman's bed.

Here's the thing:

1. I was annoyed.

2. My face tells everything.

3. He mistook the annoyed look for longing and being upset.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've past the honeymoon phase.

I asked him how long we've been together. He said 2 weeks. 2 weeks!!!!!

It feels like months...months!!!

We talk all day everyday. We see each other almost everyday.

Tonight, the sex was good but it didn't satisfy me. We went twice. Instead of falling asleep, I'm just up: thinking.

When it boils down to it-

Wait for it -

I'm selfish and I don't want to deal with other people's shit.

Sad, but true.

He has issues. He has problems and things he need to resolve.

I understand why I dated older men. Because they generally have their shit together. Blair, Dame, and yes CornyGuy never once came to my place, never once said I was too loud or had issues with me spending the night. Their issues were a result of 20+ years dealing with women and their bullshit but not with their apartments or anything.

I don't want to say it, but Afroman spent plenty of nights here.


I guess its wrong to compare.

Chris Rock said women can't go back in lifestyle. He's right. I hate that someone else controls him and our range as a couple. Its cool to think possibilities are limitless, but this is not true.

This just leaves me wondering where else can we go as a couple if we've already hit the ceiling after 2 weeks?

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Satisfaction

Aussie came over last night for spaghetti and scrabble.

He said the person to win gets oral first.

I kicked his ass.

[Sidetrack: He said on the way to my house he got into an altercation with a dude around his way and basically kicked his ass. He said the dude made some slick comments about him a while ago then disappeared. Then, resurfaced last night with some more shit to say. He was gonna leave it alone but then he remembered the rule of the streets: don't let a dude punk you. He punched him in a 3-punch combo. The dude fell. He said when people fall, the fight is over unless they try to come for you again. He left the dude on the floor. His friends were coaxing him to come to my house as previously planned. At first, he didn't want to tell me. He thought I would be upset. I was mildly amused. Aussie looks so harmless and sweet. His arms are huge and his back is strong, so no doubt he could fuck someone up. But, I could never watch him do that. He said he's been in a lot of fights. He knows how to protect himself. After the amusement, settled in the fear. I don't want the dude to come back and shoot him. He didn't seem worried. I laughed about how funny it must feel to step from that to come to my house and play Scrabble.]

He wanted to lay down. We lay on my bed spooning and talking. We started kissing and you know - whoever said you can get pregnant from kissing is telling the truth. Geeeez

He pulled my legs back and kissed and licked the cat. I applaud the brotha. He takes his time. He figured out what I like and he was doing it!

He fucked me nice and slow. It was different. We tried new positions. I was a different person. I was saying some nasty dirty things that I would never say had we been face to face with th lights on.

In short, it was amazing sex. After, we lay spooning. He said I was shaking like a scared puppy and asked if I was okay.

I said I was still tingling all over. He fell asleep holding me, snoring loudly in my ear. I fell asleep shortly after. He woke me up at 2am. He had to leave. He had to meet his dad to do some building work at 6am. He said I woke up. I was snoring in his ear. Lol

It was nice waking up with our bodies entangled. I rolled over as he got dressed and he saw my body in the light.

I have some experience sexually with men, but Aussie is the best of the pack. Kappa Guy was the worst, then Afroman, then Blair, and Dame. Dame and Blair are on the same level but if they could be combined into one man, it would be Aussie.

Dame ate me out and was sooo good. Blair had a mean stroke.

With all of these guys, except Aussie, was that after it was all done, I wanted to go again. I wasn't finished. He's the first man to lull me to sleep with his sex.

Fact is, I don't know where this is going. I don't know if we're compatible on many levels. I do want to see. I have questions, but I'm going based off of feelings and not obligation.

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Jonesin'

Aussie and I had this serious conversation last night about how we're serious about each other and we want it to work and we should slow down, not have sex, and not spend a lot of money on each other for Christmas.

Good? Great.

Nope.

I'm the type - u tell me no, I want to make u say yes.
You say here's the line. Oh, I'm crossing it!

I made the rule! I wanna break it. I start thinking of shit and I'm telling him.

Like, babe, I'm gonna meet u at the door with a bra and panties on. Fall to my knees and yadda yadda yadda'ing. You can have me anytime, any place.

He's like...I gotta be strong for the both of us.

He was off. He met me for lunch.

We kissed. He left.

We text. He asks if he can come over. We agreed to only meeting in public places as my house is a danger zone.

I say sure. I'll make spaghetti.

He corrects himself. No. If I go, its over...you're gonna be in shorts and a wifebeater or some sexy outfit...no no no.

I start trying to convince him

I can't.

I talk with Gi after work for 3 hours. That conversation - whew.

I come home. I'm laying in my cold bed just....thinking. Wanting him here.

I will be strong, but brotha's got me straight jonesin....

Mmmmmm......
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short and sweet...

come here lover

look at me with eyes wide open.

i have nothing left to hide behind.
no pretense no clothes

just naked before you.

my flaws are showing now.
my mascaras running now.

am i still the one you call
beauty?

Returns on Love

If love is an investment we make with our hearts as collateral and the return is our lifelong friend/lover, when things don't work out, we end up losing more than our shirts.

My love life has been as tumultuous as the roller coaster of Dow Jones. Up one minute and down the other.

I've placed stock in the Blairs, the Dames, the Kappa Guys, expecting gross dividends and ending up with lint.

(Enough of the stock market analogies)

I have been living in lala land. I have allowed Aussie to come in and sweep me off of my feet. So concerned with feeling as though I'm falling into the trap of being an angry black woman, I've forgotten to watch out for signs he is not who he say he is.

Gi said something to me today that had me thinking.

Yes, we have a connection.
Yes, I like him - but have I allowed us to move so fast out of fear there isn't anyone else out there?

Or have I allowed a friend to pull me down?

She has the right intentions, but...I'm not sure.

She told me to keep my guard up, get to know him better, be careful. Not bad things.

I see where she is coming from. She doesn't want me to be used. I have a tendency to pour myself into relationships, often giving 110% and getting maybe 50% back.

Today, the subject of Christmas gifts came up. He wants a coat that costs $135. I said, ok...I want shoes.
In my mind, I wanted to get him a PSP bundle that cost $199.

At first, I didn't think of it in ths light...now I'm asking myself - will my gift be comparable? If it's not, then what?

I know love is a gamble and a risk, but I do not want to be hurt again. I really don't think I have it in me to endure that.

I can't read Aussie. I can't tell what his angle is and I don't know if I could potentially hurt him by questioning his motives. Who knows if Gi's words will save or sink me? My eyes are open now.

If he's worth his weight in marbles, maybe he'll prove to be the man I want to believe he is.

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mind wandering at work..

i want you to be the drink i sip at the end of the long day
come down on me nice and slow
soothe the tension between my shoulders
fill me with warmth.
ease my mind

i want you to be my deserted island
i run to you with open arms

escape.

you are the wide ocean
and the i am the moonlit sky.

you are the brown stallion horse.
i want to ride.

onward and upward....

there are certain rules of sistren that you do not break and i have found that chicks have been effin up.

1. if you like a dude and don't say anything and your friend gets him before you. forget about him. he has no face anymore.
gi, lp and i work together - if you haven't noticed. gi started dating this dude dejesus. as soon as she told me, i was happy for her. dude makes bank and he's about his business. lp wasn't so thrilled. gi told us in an e-mail. lp's response was...ummm.ok.

our mouths flew open.

friday, gi, lp, gi's friend from st.louis, and gi's gays all went out to bbq's. the boys wanted to hear all about gi's dude. do you know this heffa(lp) said that gi's dude is an 8.5 on a scale of 1 to 10.

why the f is she rating gi's man?

i didn't hear the comment, but the look on the boys' faces were priceless.


2. if you have a crush on this friend's man, despite him not having a face (See rule# 1), do not text him late-night about ANYTHING.

LP broke this rule and text him about something he told gi. Gi is pissed. We both don't understand why LP would meddle.


3. if your kisses a dude, holds hands with a dude, sleeps with him and it doesnt work out - he is dead to you.
Why the hell did BFF's roomie play sleepover with a dude she slept with and was like...oh it's cool. BITCH PLEASE!!!!

she also was having "deep personal conversations" with another dude BFF slept with and was about to move in with a different dude that asked BFF to marry her.

i swear, i want to feed this bitch some self-esteem pie.


there are more rules, but i'm at work and i can't want to smack chicks, want to smack my boss, want to smack clients all at the same time. it's a lot on my heart right now.

reprieve

yesterday was very emotional for me.

i blame it on the hormonal changes in my body.


but, that's why i have a blog...to write weird (lil-wayne-like) poetry and vent.




i love you for loving me...


lol

my thoughts...

today,

i have retreated in my head

and lain on pillows soft and billowy

like clouds.

and i have chased pygmies and dwarves that seek to steal my very soul.

i have fought with princes on battleships and eaten the bitter seed of self-doubt

i have broken pomegranate and chewed on seeds of loved and marveled at the beauty of the sight before me.

i have bathed in the sea of nothingness with everything - a never ending pool of water.
i have dipped my body in willingly under the moonlight.

and i wait for the day i stop dreaming.

i wait for the time when this will end.
because it will.
because it always does.

because i will be whisked away on horses that seek to take me to work or some thing else.

i stop daydreaming.

vulnerable

i want you to be the one i call on when i am sad and lonely and scared of the demons in my head

but it is too much to ask

of you

of me.

i want you to hold my hand

i want you to be the one who will be there.

i am searching for you in corners
in eyes unkind
in men who want my ass and lips
hips cunt
tongue tricks

but i am searching for you to fill my heart
with love

i am looking for a man to have and to hold

and i am hoping it is you.

and i so desperately want to believe
in fairy tales of princes and frogs
of long hair you will climb
to save me from

the loneliness

the cold.

the dark evil world of dogs who wish to bark and bite
i want to believe i am the person you think i am

i want to see that woman you say i am.
i want to be the beautiful icis.

the phoenix rising from the ashes
at the drops of your love on my lips and tongue

and, i
want to be the one you call
in the middle of the night.

please do not be unkind.

and i am scared.
and i am lonely.
and i am vulnerable.

and i am woman.

complete. whole.

and i am woman.
strong and soft.

and i am woman.
with this heart that has been stomped on.
with dreams in the twinkle of my eye.

and i am woman.
who has been lied to.
who has been turned out of the door.

and i am woman.
and i am woman.
and i am woman.

and i am asking you to love me.
and i am asking you to be there.
and i am asking for someone to hold.

duuuuuuuuude

I only endorse bloggers that I really have a jones for.

This brother makes me want to quit Aussie and move to Cleveland, fa sho!

He makes me want to sit down and put together a post that is just as insightful and thoughtful as he is. When I read a new blog, I read the first page and if it is interesting enough, I read from the beginning of the blog and make my way forward. Usually, I don't post comments, I just read....He makes me want to post a damn comment on every post.

He is the ish...

The Socialight Times

Breathe.

Today, between my period, the craziness of last night, and the pressures of the work-day, I feel like my head is going to explode.

I’m feeling uneasy inside and it’s largely because of Aussie.

I feel as though I’ve hurt him and I didn’t mean to and all I need from him is to tell me he is okay, that we are okay.

I know we are.

I’m just so messy emotionally today. I don’t even LOOK like myself today – no make-up, my hair is all over the place, my outfit is blah. I’m a wreck.

I want Aussie to hug me in his big man arms. I want him to call me Gorgeous Nina like he does and tell me all is fine. I want to sleep and wake up tomorrow and be okay with the world.

I want my period to go away.

Why can’t anything go my way?

Trust Me

(In the voice of Carrie Bradshaw)

When entering new relationships, we tend to show the best version of ourselves. The facade of who we want our new loves to believe we are usually fades well after the other can hightail it because too much STUFF is invested - whether it be time, money, or anything else. When it becomes official, what we're really asking our partner to do is trust us. Trust that they won't hurt us or let us down or become irrational and crazy....what we really want to say is trust me, I'm normal.

(End narrative)

[This turned out to be a long and graphic one.....]

Aussie came over for our date 1 hour late Saturday night. I was livid. A sexy dress and heels became pink striped socks, black leggings and a black tank.

I fed him. He ate it in under 5 minutes.

His heart was beating so fast as we were watching the movie.

What's wrong? Are you nervous, I asked.

Yes, I don't want you to hurt me.

I'm not. I said as I kissed him on the cheek. There was silence.

We watched the movie, his arm around me. He kissed my cheek. I kissed his lips. I slapped him for being late (not hard). He pounced on top of me and tickled me.

You're so abusive.

You like it, I said between giggles.

You're so beautiful. He kissed me. We started making out. His hands were everywhere - on my hair, on my breasts, on my thighs.

He licked and bit my neck. He kissed my ears.

I will lick you all over if you let me.

It's too soon.

I can't help myself. He kissed me again. I pushed off of him and straddled him. I had my hands over his face. I kissed him.

He rubbed his hands up and down my back. He grabbed around my waist and pushed me closer to him. He kissed my breasts through my shirt and bra. We grinded against each other, making out. He lifted me up and laid me gently against the couch.

No small feat - I'm a plus-sized girl. He kissed me aggressively. He pushed my breasts out of my bra and began to nibble, suck, and lick them hungrily. I moaned. It had been a while since I'd been handled by a man like that. He began to pull at my leggings.

Stop.

He kissed me some more.

I'm sorry. You taste so good. I wanted more. Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.

He began to massage my clit through my pants.

That's the problem, I said.

He laughed. He pulled down my pants and pushed my red satin thong over. He licked my clit. He slid his tongue down and dipped it inside of me. He licked upwards. I gasped. He kissed me. His pants were off. I felt his hardness grinding against me. It was like our bodies were in sync with each other.

Stop.

Turn around. Lay flat on your back. He kissed my ankles and kissed my calves. He licked and kissed the backs of my knees.

It was a sensation that was weird but felt so good. He turned me over. He was so hard, I felt he might explode.

Put your clothes on.

He obliged me.

Let's just think for a second, okay? Is this what we want? Are you ready for all of this? Because, I'm not about just - this.

I know that. I really really like you. It doesn't matter if we do or we don't. It doesn't change anything.

I kissed him. It was the right thing to say at that moment and I believed.

I just want to taste you, he whispered to me, his eyes closed. You taste so good. Let me taste you, Nina. We don't have to do anything else.

I led him to the bedroom. He laid me down, pulled of my pants. He kissed me. He bit neck. We pulled off my shirt and bra. He pinched my nipples and nibbled on them. He went all the way down and licked and sucked on my clit. - the man definitely knew what he was doing - He was down there for what seemed like forever sending shivers down my spine.

"Aussie....." I chanted his name like a prayer.

He fingered me. I rode his fingers as he slid them inside and out.

You're so wet.

He kissed me as he entered me.

"Nina....Nina....omg...."

He was bigger and thicker than I expected. I felt him squeezing himself inside. He moved quick and then slowed himself down.

Turn around. I want you from the back.

I obliged, tons of thoughts in my head.

"Stop. I'm not ready for this. We're not ready for this." I was a nervous wreck. I was shaking. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

I couldn't clearly see his face in the dark room. He held me I his arms.

"Its ok. Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere."

"I just - this is a big step."

"Yes. Whenever you're ready. I'll be here"

We lay like that for a while in complete silence, yet my thoughts were screaming loud.

I kissed him as I slid down his body. He tasted like sweat. I licked his navel bent down.

I sucked his dick, moving up and down slowly. He moaned. I moved quicker, swirling my tongue round and round. He grabbed me. He kissed me and went down on me. I came softly.

He climbed on top of me. He fucked me hard, deep inside of me.

"Cum on this dick," he demanded, the sweat dripping from him.

He moved me - doggy style. He slapped my ass.

I climbed on top of him. "Cum on this dick."

We were in the swing of things.

He sat me with my legs straight on the edge of the bed. "Cum on this dick."

He lifted me up and fucked me. Then laid me down and was pounding me harder and harder.

"You're hurting me." I said. The friction of all the moving plus his size was proving difficult to handle.

He kissed me. He licked my pussy. you want me to stop?

No. He licked me some more.

He entered me again - slower, gentler. Did you cum already?

Yes, I said.

Moments later, he pulled out and erupted on the bed.

We were fucking for 2 hours. He had to go to work in 6.

Damn.

I got him some water and a towel. He was drenched in sweat.

You made a brotha put in some work.

We laughed.

I guess its only right to do that for my girlfriend.

Giirlfriend?

Yes. Is that ok?

Ummm....yes. I smiled.

I have to go. I'm sorry.

You don't have to go.

Is that an invitation to stay next time?

Yes.

I will bring my clothes next time, I promise.

Ok.

Dd you enjoy yourself?

Yes, did you?

You know I did.

You don't have to go. I said, whispering naughty things in his ear.

Why do you have to look so good?
You're beautiful in the morning, gorgeous in the evening..

I kissed him.

He stood in the doorway. Stuck.

Go! I half-yelled.

Ok. I'll call you tomorrow.

Trust me, he was telling me. Trust that I will. Trust that I will still be all that I said I was. Trust that this is different.

Trust me.

And...I did.
I slept like a baby that night.
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I'm Not One to Judge, But.....

Today is stressful.

And it is because a certain supervisor is working today. This supervisor jumps down everyone's throat and is like a modern day overseer (which were worse) than the slavedrivers.

UGH!

When she is stressed everyone feels it and it's really effing with me because it's Friday and I really didn't feel like coming into work anyway.

I was taking over for this supervisor when she was sick and away. People loved me. There was rose petals thrown at my feet.


Well, not really. See, my supervisor style was more like...please, do what you have. Be on myspace. Be on whatever, just don't get caught by the powers that be, pick up the phone, and keep your voices down. When she came back, it was like...Are you on the phone, what are you doing...work work work....

I can't take it. I'm not under her, but I hear her and I'm like a tin soldier.


My heart hurts....


Last night. Aussie and I had date#2. We saw the Haunting of Molly Hartley. It had potential. The ending was whack. It was my treat and I want my money back. BOoooooooo!

I might be picky, but it irks me that Aussie uses poor grammar. He uses your when he means you're. He does other stuff too...but, geez...sue me, I like my men tall and speaking the Queen's English.

I like him. We were in the movie theatre and he takes my hand and kisses it.

*melt*

So, I'm still trucking. The sexual energy is THERE. Still trying to curb the ho tendencies.


Tonight, drinks with the girls (and gays...)

Tomorrow night, movies with Aussie.

Sunday....who knows?

YES WE DID

Obama BABY!

(no other words can really express how anyone feels right now...)

First Date

the short version, cause ya'll know my girlfriends picked my brain for every last detail.


So, I picked him up.

we went to bbq's.

he called me "this delicate little thing that is so beautiful, he can't stand it"

i melted.

we talked about what we want in life.

i blurted out that he was my boyfriend.

he didn't even blink.

we walked some more.

he did this corny thing where he was looking at my fingers, then held my hand. he took it all matter-of-factly.

we sat in the park.

he did a slight chip n dales dance move for me.

we hugged and snuggled in the cold.

we kissed. a lot.

i asked him he thought i was still delicate.

he said no. we laughed. but you are really beautiful.

he walked me home.

(i wanted him to come up and show me some more moves. but decided to keep the slut-taciousness to a minimum.



Date #2: Thursday.

Delicate Little Thing

Omg! Is my life actually forming into something?

Lol

Friday night, I got my hair done. Halloween is scary around these parts with the threats of people getting cut and stuff. Ya'll already know....Nina is not getting her face slashed cuz she wants to wander the streets. I bought of Malibu Mango Rum (yum!!) and brought it over to BFF's house. We talked, laughed, fell asleep on the movie, House of Flying Daggers. In the middle of that, I called Austin realized he was wonderful and wrote a blog post. Normal shit.

Saturday, I went to breakfast with BFF, her friend Toni and her dad. Delish. I went to get my nails done and looked for an outfit for the night. I went to my friend's bday dinner at Planet Thailand. We went bowling afterward.

OMG! My freakin feet were killing me! Only 2inches but when you're IN them all night long...arrgh!

Even with the time moving back, I got home at 4am.

Today, I slept til 1pm. Got up and dressed for my date with Austin.

Wonderful..

(To be continued)
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Slice of Schmoopie Pie

I've been alone for a very long time. AM and I broke up a year and a half ago. Yes, there were brief interludes: PhotogGuy, Blair, Dame, and a few others who never received monikers.

None of them stuck.

I like Dude#1, the one I met on POF.

He had me at hello. My attitude was so jaded. So very nonchalant about men and what they're about.

He smacked me. With....I don't know.

I like him.
He's cute. He's funny. He's smart.

Above all. I can be myself around him. He allows me to and its okay.

I'm not sure of his moniker....so I will call him Aussie. Inside joke bet him and I.

I'm going to take a chance and let him in slowly.

We'll see.

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