Ummmm....

Dear Punk Asian Girl,
I'm sorry I was being an asshole to you tonight in the Duane Readeby
unintentionally trying to skip you and not backing down. It was the
mojitos + the adrenaline with running around teeter tottering on my blue
wedges, the balls of my feet burning.

I didn't mean it.

You've got balls though.

Regards,

J

PS. We can hash it out over frozen cosmos anyday of the week *wink*

Sell crazy someplace else...I'm overstocked...

While standing on the 14 St Downtown platform and midnight wearing
(eek!) 3 inch wedges (that I absolutely adore and had on since 11am)
trying to ignore the unfortunate girl in a pink and brown slip top, pink
courdory short shorts, brown leggings and tan and brown cowboy
boots....this man was giving me crazy eyes. In the respect that if life
were a sketch comedy, they would've been red and weird sounfs would've
been the soundtrack. WtF? Then...he was talking to himself and staring
at mr simultaneously. I made sure to check for my wallet and stand as
far away from the edge of the platform as possible. I will not be pushed
in front of the train. No siree bob.
Then some otherman walked toward to look for an apporaching train to
come back and almost walked in to me. We already established that I was
not near the platform...so its not that I was right behind him. He was
looking at me...but still about to walk into me. Note that I am wobbly
at this point. The balls of my feet were screaming obscenities at
me...so I would've definitely have fallen if he rammed into me...but I
kept thinking - am I fucking invisible? How are you staring at a person
but don't see them enough to not walk into them. I swear, it was a near
miss.

All in all...tonight was wonderful. The girls and I went Havana Central.
A delightful Cuban restaurant in Washington Square. The food was
delicioso. I had chorizo con queso frito. Latin sausage w/fried cheese.
Yummy! Cherub and I shared a pitcher of passion fruit mojito. It had a
little too much lime for me...but it yummy just the same. After, we did
a little shoe shopping. Thank you Shoe-o-rama for being open til
10:30pm. Yay! Then, we sat in a small park and talked girl talk for an
hour until I relaized...hey! I have to get up at 5am for work tomorrow.
Party done!

Beautiful night...beautiful company. Wonderful times had by all.

Got off the train in enough time to catch the bus and save myself $12 in
a cab ride. AND had enough time to run through Duane Reade like a mad
woman and get those must-have items in 7 minutes. Yes...7. I was dipping
through the aisles getting hydrocortisone cream, lotion, shavers, cereal
and deodorant. I only forgot the milk. But...hey we can't be perfect.
And it probably costs too much anyway.

All in all...even almost thrown on the tracks by a crazy man and knocked
down by another couldn't put a damper on my night.

Kisses.....

Simple Pleasures.

Being broke alerts you to some simple pleasures you've been missing.
For instance,
I really miss Burger King.....
Hello old chap! BK Western Whopper, complete with beef, bbq sauce, bacon
and cheese...yummmy...come here lover!
Pedicures.
$2 eyeliner from Duane Reade
As simple as it sounds, I would impulsively buy eyeliner from DR because
it seems as though I eat it or lose it something.
Buying snacks from the corner store. I craved cheez doodles last nite.
Along with something from Lil Debbie. Craved It. But, I didn't let
myself go and get it, knowing that something with high fructose corn
syrup would beckon me and while fulfilling my craving for cheesy and
creamy, that I'd feel like a lose for not getting a Laffy Taffy or
something. I know. Pathetic.
Most of all, I think I just miss the security of having money.
Residual...do what you want with it money. A cushion. A net.

Sacrifice is inevitable when you have no one but yourself.
And.....there's nothing you can do.
At least, I guess I am eating less shit and my arms do look at little
smaller. So, there is a little bit of justice in the world.

But, the first thing I will do today is get that burger. My stomach's
growling just thinking about it.

Silly Little Woman

My eczema has flaired up on my face again. I haven't had such a major
episode since freshman year of high school where the black scales had
descended upon my entire face. My stepmother didn't know what it was, so
she subjected me to cream after cream that burned - as a miracle to take
"the acne" away. The problem grew worse until my entire face was turned
into a huge black scaly mess and my eyes were almost closed shut. A trip
to the emergency room and steroid cream later, we realized that I had
eczema all over. In between my elbows, behind my knees and on my face.
The creams made it worse. She's never apologized. That's just one
example of how blind know-it-allism (yes know-it-allism) harms people.
But, I digress.
The eczema has come back without a vengeance, just a vendetta against my
cheeks and nose; making the bags under my eys look worse than they are.
That paired with the heat makes concealer impossible to wear.
Frankly, I feel ugly.
There...I said it.
I've always prided myself on having clear skin. Beautiful clear skin.
Its not there, now. Its muddled up.
And, I feel like the Hunchback of Notre Dam.
I know. I know that people are more than their physical and we're all
beautiful on the inside.
Can someone flip me inside out please?

Maybe, I'm just being a silly little woman...

Do you?

Do you ever get sick of reading someone's blog and all their neuroses
and what makes them tick?
Do you ever just wish to click on their online journal and see that life
for them is a crystal stair?
Do you ever just wish Murphy's Law would stop kicking my ass and I would
find some nice boy and a better job and an air conditioner and life
would be those things of fairy tales?
I do.
I wish I could stop anal-yzing my life and be consumed with happy
thoughts. But the words won't let me. The thoughts whir in my head like
tidal waves of emotions that knock me off my surfboard. The torrents of
words cloud my brain and force my fingers to type things that my tongue
won't dare to speak to anyone. Sometimes, not even to myself and I look
up and life is there -staring me blankly in the face.

Almost oppositional...it is there. Looming and slightly frightening. I
must choose to pull back my arm and swing with all my might or retreat.

Sometimes I do both. The passive agressive that I am.
Sometimes I do nothing. I sit there in the middle of my bedroom floor
and hide from the demons circling like vultures above me. Refusing to
die but not really willing myself to live. Residing in the gray matter.

And in those moments..I wish like hell that you could click here and
read about rainbows and butterflies. About unicorns and fairies.

I wish like hell that I could write about that. And that, life were
easier to stomach sometimes.

It's just a bitter pill.

We all have to either swallow or upchuck.

So, the point of this, is that I'm trying. I'm striving to be better,
but it gets hopeless sometimes. And I get lazy. I get sad. I get
downtroden and sometimes finding a new wind is harder than it looks.

But, I keep on writing for the same reason I keep on reading other
people's blogs...all for that post that is all about the butterfly
kisses. For that post where they have come up. Even for that day.

Thank you for reading.

Kissing Frogs

I am avoiding Afroman. I love him but love does not conquer all at times
and in those times the light switch comes on and the flags come up.
Which way to go?
I wish I could quit him...like for real. Flush him from my system and be
rid of these feelings I have. I know its futile to think that 3 or 6 or
9 months without him will make me forget how I feel. A year didn't make
me forget. But...I remain hopeful. Because, there is nothing more that I
can do but to remain hopeful. To see that my heart has hurt less since
we broke up and keep on that path until the pain is gone or until my
heart has frozen over.

I was so sure. I was so certain that we were it. That he was my Prince.

Maybe its my fault. Maybe I expected too much from him. Maybe no one can
meet my expectations and that is why I still haven't found my special
someone. But, I am sick of being disappointed.
Not just by him. By men in general: gay and straight. I'm sick of
kissing frogs.

Murphy's Law Test Dummy

That is who I am today....because when the world seems
promising...something comes in and makes the whole thing go cablooey.

This morning....I woke up, put on my pre-arranged outfit only to find
that it wasn't quite what I wanted. Changed into my favorite sundress.
Its light, airy, hugs in the right places without feeling too clingy,
and as I was walking down the street, I gently tugged at the back of it
to hide that clasp of my bra. I heard a rip, but thought nothing of it.
As I walked down the street, the right side of my dres was falling. My
beautiful, light, airy dress was broken. So...I rushed back home to put
on the 1st outfit...kicking myself for not sticking to that in the first
place. Especially when stepmother was coming out of her door at the same
time I was and offered to give me a ride. Nice enough. Until, she
ambushed me with things.
I want you to bring down my computer stand.
I want you to clean out your old room.
I want you to yada yada ya.
People have told me that I handle stress well. That they can never tell
when I'm at my breaking point because my face hides it well. My tongue
doesn't know this, so I end up saying hurtful things before it registers
in mind that its hurtful.
So.....I broke and I said..."what have you given me" which sent her on
another tangent about all the things she's done for me in life. Which
was nothing I ever asked her to do. It was purely optional and
voluntary. I am grateful, but I don't want to be reminded of all her
good deeds.
Bahhhhhh! I'm not going to feel bad about what I said. She talked my ear
off for the entire ride from the house to the train...a whopping 5
minutes and I made one statement and I get the guilt...no!

Good Morning, Vietnam!

Back Kisses, Thunder, & Rain

The thunder crashed through the night sky as the lightning illuminated the entire house. I was alone as the wind pushed its way through the curtains. I lay in bed on my side, face towards the wall, with my back which would have been facing you. And I imagined your full lips kissing me the way I like, your hand creeping up the front of my shirt to fondle me. I imagined your breath on the nape of my neck and your warm body spooning behind me. I wanted to turn over and see you there. To have you kiss me fully on my mouth and to have your hads all over me. I wanted you to hold me last night. I'm not afraid of lightning or thunder. Nor am I disheartened by the sound of the heavy rain beating down on my windows.

But I missed you last night.
I miss the intimacy of having you near.

You said its nice to hold a woman at night. I think its nicer being held.

days like this...

I've been so bad, lately. I was really hopeful on Monday - actually thinking that I would get real things done. It took me two days to clean my living room, dining room, and bathroom - yet totally wreck my bedroom, blow up my kitchen and put it together again.

I've been so ADD...what's going on? hmmmmmmmmm....I just don't know.

I guess I have to promise another "real" post soon.

Ok. Promise made.

Keep the angry mob and pitchforks to yourselves.

Much obliged.

Geez

I think I lost 20 pounds, just sitting in this house without any AC. This does nothing for my skin...dying slowly....a real post is coming soon.

Tonight

Is for lounging around the house in my bra and panties, having numerous IM conversations.
Is for sitting in front of the fan, enjoying solitude and silence in my own space.
Is for thanking God I found $8 on my way home. I only had $2 to last me til Friday.
Is for relaxation and DVR cleaning.

Tomorrow is for budgeting, cleaning, and all the other responsibilities for having a good tonight.

Tomorrow, I'll deal with the worried voices in my head, but tonight...tonight, I will smile. I will laugh.

Tonight, I will breathe.

I saw u

I saw her. My eye catching a glimpse of her perfectly round shiny dome.
She was bald and bold. With that step..that leap of faith, I was inspired. I wanted to know her backstory. I wanted to look in her eyes and know her history. Why was her hair shorn? I wanted to applaud her, hug her,befriend her. Instead, I let her walk off the train. Not making eye contact. Because I didn't want to make her feel as if another person were gawking at her and because


I'm a New Yorker and that's just what we do.

evil little femmebot

I am definitely in rare form today. Rare. Bitchy. Form.
I feel like a femmebot ready to let my nipple guns out and attack the nearest person within shooting distance. Pair that with a job I already hate, a coworker I pick up slack for, an overzealous management team who want results!results! results!, wide-eyed trainees with too many questions, not enough sleep ever, and a wisdom tooth that's not making me feel any wiser....I am ready to kill.

Please beware. Save the children! Save yourselves!

Umm...Why was I so excited again?

Yesterday started off pretty wonderfully. I woke up an hour later than normal to be at work by EIGHT! Busied myself throughout the day and by 3pm, I was itching to go home and go out. Any sluggish feelings were met wiith a "hells no" resistance. I showered, shaved my legs, and put on a peel-off masque. Drying myself in the fan, I got caught up on my favorite blogs.I put on a too short skirt and a too low-cut shirt, feeling risque the
moment I walked out the door. Never one to be fearful, I strutted my stuff to the train station. Racking up 4 hits. From men. Yes, too short..too low is in this season. I meandered my way down in theGrenwich Village section of Manhattan. Only to be met with the intense wtf? Feeling right away. Sooooooo many people. My phone would not work properly..thanks TMobile! So, I was hoping..the hag that I am, that I would run into people. Which I did! Score! We talked about the beautiful men that were out. Old times, future goals, and the beautiful men that were out. Yum! I had forgotten how frustrating it is to be a straight woman at Gay Pride. *note to self***Remember this for next year*** Even though I might not.They decided to go to the bar and I still had friends to meet, so I walked on down Christopher Street..which felt more like a human meat market..hot, sticky, sweaty. Not the triad I really wanted.I saw some people whom I know from the balls that I frequent, but I have moments of desperate shyness...its ridiculous.So, I waited for my friends. Someone walked up to me..like...Aren't u so and so! Why, yes, I am. *love it!*
And so, I waited til my friends showed up.We hung out there trying not to be trampled by women with their breasts, booties, and everything in between hanging out, men doing the same, and all types...from the ridiculously glam drag queens to the macho
testosterone driven down low brothas.But, in all honesty, I was bored. Boredom was turning to restlessnes, which always turns to anger. So before I reached that step I decided to leave. But, not without bumping into Frank Leon Roberts. With whom, I
will have a child with. *wink* Sister Julie, who I haven't seen in a
year, and other beautiful people.

The lowlight was when someone decided to fight and the cops
came-a-running with horses and sticks, ready to open up some gay black
flesh. It reminded me that this city, while liberal and beautiful, can
turn ugly in an instant.,

I ended up walking from 4th st to 16th st to take the train home. Just
to wait an hour for the bus in Brooklyn because I mised the one before
by 2 minutes. Dragged myself home and crawled into bed by 3am. To be
awaken, 4 times by the alarm clock. My body aches. All of that walking
and being 2with all those people just wore me out. Now, its off to
work....and then Happy Friday!!!! I get to be off tomorrow and
Wednesday! Lord, help us all, I'm working from 12 to 8.

Agony!

FACE LIFT

Hello folks....

Thought I'd give the ole site, a lil sprucing up. Tell me what ya think.

Sacrifice

That should've been my first name instead of what my parents stuck me
with.
That has been what my entire life has been about. I sacrifice myself for
everything:friends, work, family, and I'm so fed up with the bullshit.

I'm still upset that Afroman can find the means to travel all the way up
to Buffalo to see his ex, stay with her for what? 2 weeks...I believe,
but can't find a way to take a train from one side of Brooklyn to the
other. It still hurts because of everything that I did for him when we
were together and I guess it speaks volumes as to my place in his life.
Even if she paid for everything, he still had to get a train to and from
his house.

I had a long conversation with the ex-lover of former Best Gay Friend
(who owes me $800 in phone bills) and told him that me and FBGF aren't
really on the mend. I also told him that I don't consider us to be good
friends anymore. He asked if I spoke to him about how I felt. I said
that I tried to, however, he was never really available. He said that
was bullshit. I have the right to pull hum by the collar and demand him
to talk. We've been through too much and that we'd always be considered
as good friends. Friends like these don't come by often.

Well, ya know, he's right. But shouldn't FBGF know this and try to hang
on to me? We'll see.....

Stepmother calls me yesterday saying that she wants her computer chair
and her computer desk back.
Mind you, I've had the shit since Tueday. If something is so important
to you, you must have it right away, you don't notice until a whole
4days later....how important was it, really?
Its not really about her wanting it back, its mainly about her yelling
about it.
Here's how the conversation went:

*ring ring*
Me: hello?
Her: rar rar rar computer chair rar rar rar desk rar rar rar better
bring it back rar rar rar how dare u rar rar rar now rar rar rar
Me: stares blankly at phone
Her: rar rar rar I didn't say you could have it rar rar rar
Me: yes, you did or I wouldn't have gone through the trouble of lugging
it upstairs
Her: rar rar rar rar rar rar rar
Me: I gotta go...I'm at work.
Her: rar rar rar rar
*I hang up*

This morning. 6am.
Her: *little less rar more like ra* Bring my computer desk and chair
back.
Me: I wouldn't have taken it if you didn't say I could have it.
Her: I didn't say you could have it. I can't give you everything.
Me: I gotta get ready for work.
Her: ra ra *click*

Let's talk about her giving me *everything*

Little history lesson: I've worked since I was 13, because I couldn't
get everything from her.
I've never asked her for money for anything unless I couldn't do it
myself and its been on those raaare occassions that she hasn't screamed
before she gave.
I haven't been in school in 3 years, because I have a huge bill to pay
off and I needed help with it. You think she would've helped me already
to pay it off? No!

In this instance, you want to talk about her giving me
everything....lets talk about that...
She SAID she would give me her bedroom set and she would sleep in the
guest bedroom. Its been 10 days since I moved in...and I'm still
sleeping on an air mattress.
She SAID she would give me a towel set. Haven't seen it yet.
She SAID she would buy me groceries. Haven't seen those yet.
So, in all reality, what the fuck has she given me?
Did she help me move out? No. Did she help me move in? No. She didn't
move a box, a bag...nothing!

I haven't decided if I'm going to lay down like a punk or if I'm going
to do what my first mind says and tell her....if she wants her desk and
chair to come and get it herself. I'm exhausted. I've given so much of
myself.

I still dream of a life more different from the one I own. How will I
acheive this? *wheels start turning*

Next post: on how I sacrifice for my job..oh boy!

To Whom it may concern:

Dear People of NYC:

Take a fucking shower!

No, middle aged man, putting Old Spice on funky underarms does not count. Funk + Old Spice = Funky Old Spice. 20-something woman, have some respect for yourself. A comb and a toenail clipper would serve you well right now. Gnarly White man, you smell like coleslaw! Abort! Abort!

All of you served to turn my stomach this morning. And so what! My face looks like this. At least I smell like lavendar baby oil. So there!

Respectfully,

J

Ok....ok....

So I didn't make it past pajamas and ice cream last night. To my
defense, it was very brisk outside. Plus, twin#1 didn't want to be my
wingman, so I left the hag activities for another day.

Its now 5:55am. This was something Afroman always pointed out to me.
That we always look at the time when in 2:22. 3:33. 4:44 more
popular...5.55 and 12:34.

I am in the train station on my way to the j-o and there are these men
sitting on the benches in the train station. I'm a little scared to walk
past them. I'm always intimidated walking past a group of men. I have
great reason to be. Let's not forget the "big draws fiasco of 2006.

Long story short...I walked past a group of rowdy young boys and one of
them yelled out "Big Draws"...it was very embarassing to say the least.

My question...my food for thought this morning is, at this time of the
morning..most of these men are late 30s to 40s...none of them seem as
though they would pull a stunt...but I've been unpleasantly
surprised...but since when did we become villianized by our men intead
of protected, adored, and nothing but trustful of them? Since when was I
afriad to walk by a black man and not fear the worst from his lips? This
deeply saddens me. Not only because its now 6:00 am and I want to sit
down, but because I fear for my child when she becomes my age and has
her ample share of breasts and hips. Just some food for thought. I wish
I could say that I braved the worst and walked past them, but the train
just came and I'm getting on.....

Going to NyC gay pride...because that's what hags do!

Let me make this clear.
I am not gay. I am a hag. A huge one!
Of my 5 top friends....4 are gay men.
I love them. They remind me that I'm fabulous and when I'm not so fab,
they remind me that I can be better. If someone messes with me, they're
there to kick their asses. They love me. Conditionally of course. I love
them back.

I forgot about when NYC Pride was..so it was a surprise when Jules told
me that my presence was requested tonight at 11ish in the city for fun
gallavanting around the village and then to the Culture Club afterwards.
Ummmm...nevermind the fact thast I have to be at work at 7am tomorrow.

Oh and I have $8 in my bank account til next Friday. Riiiight.

I decided..I must go and am on my way home to change into my hag
attire...not sure what that is yet. Probably a dress and flip flops. Its
all about the face tonight. Hmmmmmm....still deciding.

Yesterday...I was feeling really salty about BestFriend. Sent her this
text.
"I don't appreciate this one bit from u of all people. I'm hurt. I'm
disappointed. But I guess its ok bc I'm always there at the end of the
day. Whatever."
She hasn't responded yet. Not sure what to think about it. Think I'm
going to let go. And let God.

I really am deeply hurt by her behavior. I've been there for her when
even her parents weren't. BF is a runner not a fighter. When things get
tough..the tough get going...as in running for the door. But, people
claim they're afraid when I get upset. Like I'm going to do them bodily
harm. No...not me! I'm a lover. But I'm knock ur block off if I have
to...hehehe...

Enough of this for now...have some very particular gay men to
impress...aooow!

Just call me Ugly Betty

I need to move to an uglier state.
New York is overflown with bea-you-tiful women. I can not compete or
compare.
But I try anyway.
I can't help it.
I am a woman. This is what we do.
Lately, I've been having skin issues.
I've never had problem skin and know the smooth, milk chocolateyness
that is my face has been interrupted by bump after bump. Not a cluster
of small bumps. But a cluster of big ones! Oh Lawd!
What is I'm gone do????? *despair*

It must be the stress of just being a young, black woman, on my own in
the big city. Trying to make life work.

Oh Lawd...what is I'm gone do???

I don't miss u anymore

I don't miss you anymore.
The words came to her like a steady stream of emotion.
She was calm. At peace with what was coming to her, it almost scared
her.
I don't miss youn anymore.
It was as if she had gotten her wings for the 1st time and she was
flying solo. She weas terrified, but gleefully saying...look ma, no
hands.
She was finally ready to cut loose all those things that weighed her
down. She was flying high on those wings of emotional independence.

Lately...I've been working my wings. I've been steadying myself on the
clouds, trying my damndest not to look down or back...keeping my head
forward, I have no choice but to look back at least once, so I can
remember where not to go...where I took that wrong turn last time.

Life is so fucking scary.

Fa sho!

I am missing my family. Those brothers and sisters that have so easily
detached themselves from me.
Do they think of me? Ever?
Do they feel as if a piece of them is missing. I am Madagascar to their
Africa. Don't they know they are everything?

I feel like Stella. Abandoned by my mother because of some defect. Some
flaw that no one can detect. They see this outwardly beautiful being. So
cute. So cudly. But then...I slip away in the middle of the night.

I've never felt so alone. I've never felt so tired. Of everything. But I
don't think I would trade my independence for living back at home
w/stepmom.

Afroman says he didn't mean to make me feel bad by not showing up, or
calling, or I.M'ing me yesterday. He didn't have $$ for the train ride
to my place. It chiseled away at my loneliness for him. It made me
realize he has no place in his life for anyone. It kills me that it
coulsnt work, but how could it? He couldn't afford him. Yet, I feel some
strange allegiance to his mother. Like, I should've tried harder. Like I
threw away her son. But, I didn't. I loved that man so hard.
Interesting, that I should call him a man. He's a boy trying to be a
man. In the same instance that I'm a girl, figuring out how to be a
woman. The memory of us still tugs at my heartstrings. The warm ones
like me laying on his lap, him playing with my hair. And when I think of
these, I wish that we could be that moment - that snapshot of our
relationship. That perfect place where it was comfortable and cozy.

And now, I feel as if coming from that moment...looking into that window
of time, and seeing myself now, I feel as if love has turned me into the
cold. I feel as though I'm reaching that hypothermia and my limbs are
falling off and nothing will be the same again.

Can someone defrost my heart?

so....

I have "great friends." Last night, BestFriend was supposed to come over for some dinner, dessert, and girl talk at 7. She never showed. I called and called. And got a call from her at 9pm. Saying...."Oh! I went to a Block Association meeting and they've had us here and yada yada yada..." I should be out at 10pm. I said, "Oh ok. Call me when you're on your way." 11pm comes and she's still not here. She calls and says that her meeting lasted way too long. It just ended. She doesn't have a way to get over here because her mother/father are sleeping. She doesn't want to take the car without asking them. I am livid. I tell her that she can call me tomorrow. (which is today) and as of 3:15pm, still no call. But, I'm not in the business of making people be my friend and want to spend time with me.

All I wanted to do last night was spoon with Afroman. All I wanted to do was lay in his arms and be warm and safe and loved.
He said he couldn't afford to come over. (he has no job and thus no train fare)
So...with that said...no spooning...:0(

Spooning would've definitely led to forking.

But, it's probably best that he didn't come over because at 2am, my tooth started hurting like nobody's business. I had a similiar incident last week which had me in the Emergency Room...which led to me being in the dentist's office the next day..which led to me getting 2 prescriptions. One for pain, the other an antibiotic. Which lead me to not getting it filled because I didn't have the money. No insurance = Suffering. For real. I asked the "wonderful" stepmother if I'm still covered under her. She nonchalantly says yes. And I'm like WTF!!!!!! You know I'm in pain but you don't fucking say, "oh yea... you can get treated..here's the card." So the insurance covered the ER visit, but not the dental clinic, which charges $48 a visit. ***sigh***

Twin#1 owes me $40. Which I've been entitled to receive since Monday. Being that it is Wednesday and I still haven't received it...I'm trying to act like a chilled out bill collector....all I want is my prescriptions!! I'm in so so so much pain. I can't even tell you!

Right now, I feel so alone. In my beautiful brand new apartment. (that's still not completely furnished...but has an airmattress, a couch, a dsl modem,a shower, and cable)<---so I'm happy. But living like this makes me feel so alone. Inviting people over doesn't help...so I'm not sure what to do.

Til laterz...

Number 100

Happy 100th post to me! Yay!


****carry on with your normal blogging activities****

Weekend Recap

Had very nice "weekend"
Weekends to me are Tuesdays and Wendesdays but I digress.
Brought kitten home and she fell asleep on the way. She kept making
strange noises but I thought she snored. Her name: Stella. Beautiful.
Beautiful kitten. Gave her a bath because she still smelled like she
came from the streets. Laid her down on the pillow I made for her and
she never woke up.

Oh the horror of waking up to find ur beautiful swet smelling kitten
stiff at 5am on your way to work.

My consolation comes knowing that she died clean, sweet smelling, and on
a huge satin pillow.

Yesterday, I went to a ball. Yes, a ball. I won't explain what it is. its
too hard to...but..lets just say its a place where a lot of gay folks
hang. So...I pulled on my uber tight little black traffic stopping dress
and my 4inch platform heels and felt fabulous. Which makes up for
unfortunate kitten death.
Someone mistaked me for a tranny. Which is a seal of approval from a gay
man --- kinda. Hahahahaha
Got home at ungoldy hour of 1am. And am chipper and sprightly for waking
up at 6:30 to an annoying ring which came from the phone I found
yesterday.

little pieces coming together

bought a bookcase for $40...tall, pine wood, and 5 shelves. realized that i do not need 5 shelves, can only adequately occupy 2 shelves, but am pleased with myself
and am very pleased to have a reason to read more.
am looking forward to placing gems on said bookcase...yay!

Mr. Phil keeps kissing and hugging me today and am loving every minute of it. Is very vry wonderful. AFFECTION! omg..almost forgot about that!
AFFECTION! and DISTRACTION!>>>>>lovely!

Am getting a kitten today. very very excited! even though I don't like cats. I am certain will love this cat. Probably because she is a weetle weetle baby. Thinking of naming her Domino, cause she's all white like Domino Sugar. We'll see. Gotta feel out her aura.
Very Very excited!!! stay tuned!

Today

*burned lunch for work tomorrow...oops!
*learned that when frying chicken...low heat is always best to let it
slowly cook from the inside out
*got a part for my sewing machine for free. Feel like God gave me a kiss
on the cheek with that one because I was very annoyed. Had to wait 20
minutes to be served because the person doing the serving or was
supposed to was harrassing his coworkers...ugh!
*cable was out all day...damn!
*cleaned and put away stuff and cleaned some more. Mom would be so
proud.

Gotta go and clean up the dishes from tomorrow's burned lunch

Eventful Day

Today, I moved into my palace. :)
Everything went okay except for the distinct feelng that I've lost 5
pounds with the constant up and down.
Locked myself out the aparment. Had to pay a neighborhood kid to climb
through my window.
Drama.Drama.Drama.
Am sleepy yet vigilant enough to stay up for re-runs of the Closer.
Yay! For days off and for freedom.

Not completely free yet but am making great strides.

No word from Afroman. Suits me well doesn't it? That he's upstate with
HER. Am affected but not admitting it. Ugh!

Reminds me of Amy Winehouse "You go back to her and I'll go back to
black." Need something to ease stress other than masturbation.
Hmmmmm.....

Am angry Need chocolate

I KNOW I'm hormonal right now. Can feel my skin pulling with the promise
of new pimples and the cups of sugar I pur down my throat are
increasing. But...am giiving in to it..because I can.

I want to feel beautiful.
Haven't felt it in a long time.
Am lookking for beauty validation from own personal man...I know its bad
and I shouldn't but I don't care! I want to!

Tired of sleazy men who want to go down my shirt.
That would be nice too but just look in my eyes. Tell me you love me and
I'm pretty.

Am silly silly woman.

I know.

Don't care.

I want it that way.

Fed my cousins fish today. Sat there crying while they ate their veggie
flakes. Like I was the flakes and all around me r pirranhas swimming
coming in for the kill ready to gobble me up.. Am really sad. *sigh*

hunh?

I want to kiss Mr. Phil again, but do not have the urge to make the move. Don't know if I should and don't feel like someone's hand going down my shirt right now. Maybe, I shouldn't resume the kissing until I feel like some lovin....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........................

Moving in time is quickly approaching. What to do? What to do?
Still haven't packed completely. Feeling soooo willy nilly about it. Actually, really am anxious about. But...I can't seem to want to do anything lately. Feeling really willy nilly about life.

Damn You!!! Damn YOU!!!!!!

Ever see one of those women that make you want to go into the house and try again? OMG! Living in NYC...you see these women all the time, but this morning, I saw this goddess that made me feel so much less than the poised young woman I normally am. Anywho! She was gorgeous and fresh and innovative and just so well put together. My self esteem just plummeted 30 points just being in her presence.

I will be moving soon. If I can get it together. I just can't right now. Ugh!

I'm everywhere. Maybe, I won't be one of those people that have it all together all the time. I feel like my life is not meant to be like that. But, I do want to at least have it half-way together...huff!!!

Cuz I don't believe in you anymore anymooore!

I need something to believe in..cause I don't believe in you anymore!
Anymoooooore!
Lyrics by Maroon 5

I'm sad today. I'm sad that I had to turn off FBG's phone in order to
quit the cycle of me paying for it. I'm sad that Afroman is in Buffalo
with his ex.
I'm sad that things don't work out how they're supposed to.
I'm just sad.
I'm sad all my fish died...all of them at the same time.

Sometimes...life is just 2 much to bear.

***

(Repost from Thursday)

This "weekend" was great...referring to my two days off: tues/wed.
I really allowed myself to say "fuck-it" as I did no cleaning and no
packing. I just laid around the house, loafing around.
With that said, I feel like there is a spirit of a little girl watching
me in my house. The entire "weekend" I felt like someone was following
me around when I went to different rooms and was watching me. It sounds
weird but I just wanted to document that just in case I die or something
else happens to me.
Moving along...I got my freak-em dress on going to work. Hehehe
I just wanted to be a lil saucy and saucy I am...

Tata!
I'm a grown ass woman and I conduct myself as such. Pull up a
chair..I'll show you some thangs...

Fri nite...

(Repost from 2 days ago)
I am tooo sober for this to be a Friday night. Feelin like maybe I
should act like I'm drunk...hahahahaha

Me n BFF are going through something. I can't explain it but I feel like
beating the shit out of her. She's been working my last nerve for a
while..but, hey! I'm passive aggresive...so its cool. Its not but it is.
What can I do?
She's going away for 2 weeks....so I can pretend we don't have a problem
for another couple of weeks. Hopefully, when she comes back, I'll be in
my new apartment and life will be great for me.

Today, I found out that I can't paint. Hope I can negotiate it...but I
doubt it....but there's always hope.

Tomorrow and Sunday sucks cause I have to work 7 to 3. Ugh! Hate it!
But..maybe I'll get some kisses from Mr.Phil. Hmmmm.

So 29 days til I move. Tentatively.
If no paint for real real...then it would be 16 days.

HOPE FLOATS!!!

5 things going on right now.......

1. Told FormerBestGayFriend a "few" times that I was turning off his
phone today because I wanted him to jump up and say. Here's
20...50...75...100.00. Toward the bill. Here! Take it. Its not what I
owe but its a symbol of what I owe. I'm so very sorry for what I've done
to you. Enjoy! Not gonna fucking happen! Ugh!

2. I need a new damn job. I feel unappreciated as a human being. I feel
like a number. Which was the reason why I left EvilCableCompany job
before I started this blog.

3. Things go great for me and then I feel ugly on the inside. This
week's paycheck for example.

4. My paycheck was less than normal because I called out of work last
Sunday. Gave my mom $300 for rent. Gave Twin $100 for his rent and the
cable bill is $125. Money was just floating out of my hands....but I
fucked up because I spent $65 on fabric for my apartment....why? Oh why?
Now I'm going to be brokety broke for the next 2 weeks. Trying to see
the upside. Wish someone owed me $$..oh wait! (See #1)

5. I'm not sure if I will succeed with this apartment or fall flat on my
face. I should've planned better...saved more...but...it will be an
adventure!

I'm down w/OPP

I read other people's blogs almost everyday and get annoyed when they don't post reularly..but neither do I. Seeing as I have a strong following (haha) I'm going to post more often.


maybe...


i'll try

don't hold me 2 it...

yea

lol

from bad to fuckin worse

I got a new Sidekick ID because my Sk2 was fuckin up..this one is fucking up even more. I turned it off and on this morning and it said that it was 8pm on December 31,2003. WHA?????? So now, I have to revert to the sk2 and ship off this one to get a "brand new" one shipped to me!

DAMN YOU TMOBILE! DAMN YOU ADDICTIVE SIDEKICK POWERS!!