Monday, November 27, 2006
y do i keep going for the same type of guy? LOSERS!
if u live at home with ya momma and u have nothin in ur pocket but a stick of gum..i fuckin love u.
what's wrong with me?
so, i'm sitting at work staring at phil all day salivating at the mouth and i realize he's just a friend...YUP
we've crossed over into that place and i'm so sick of it...
1. he works with me..
2. he lives with his aunt and his uncle
3. he's 25 and has admitted he has trust, commitment, and a whole slew of issues....
4. he's admitted that he only wants the panties and he still hasn't called since the 1st time we spoke
yet and still i look at him with stars in my eyes...
not to mention anthony hamilton..hehehe..that's what i'll call him.
he just got a job..we have so much history me and a.h.
i loved him in high school...stalked him until we graduated when he finally decided that he loved me back. but...then fucked a white girl and dated her for the year after that..GREEEEEEEEEEEAT
then he comes back in my life and says he wants to build something
he hurt me so bad when he pulled that disappearing act shit and i want to take him back but a part of me is like DANGER DANGER!
but the other part is wondering...
but i don't want to be a dumb bitch...that is my fear..to be the dumb bitch in the room is very very depressing.
i hate that phrase..but i love him..but i feel it in my bones...
gotta let him goo goo gooooooo!
(but i love him) hahahahaha
i went off on a.h. because he was another one - no job, living at home...
saying let's move away together....
but i said all of that to say...
don't i deserve better???
don't i deserve a man who loves me in all my voluptuousness...smart-assedness...quit wit..all that i have to offer...
but damn...y am i getting all these losers? is that what i think i secretly deserve???
lemme stop b4 the tears start..
(here i go posting this in the blog world...away away...
Posted by Nina at 7:48 PM
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Today I feel like...
I don't want to have to answer to anyone but God. Even with Him...its like having a credit card...u do shit and pay for it later. Question is..can u really afford the consequences?I have so many decisions to make...so many choices. I've been depressed on some level for the past year I think. I came into 2006 with some heavy burdens...feeling unhappy..forced into shit. Spent the whole year mimicking that feeling. I'm lost. Worse than that, I'm lost in the dark wiith no flashloght.I shower strangers with more love than I do my own family. Strangers in the relative sense that I don't really know them--- what makes them tick, their entire story. well..maybe not..to my fam I'm a stranger. They don't know shit abt me. Thank angers me. I want to retreat in myself. I want to start over fresh. I want to be enveloped in love. I want to feel appreciated. Maybe there is a void thay was created when my parents died. A void that can't be filled.I don't wanna answer to anyone but God.....
He called yesterday on some hey-type thing. He's not trying hard. I'm sorta trying. I can see failure in our immediate future. Feelin like no one loves me. On some woe is me shit. Mind u....spent the whole day with twin#1. Twin#1 is a good gay male friend of mine who everyone says resembles me. Anyway...loved being with him all day. We slept, ate, watched a movie....talked, hit each other,tickled each other.....great...but now, I'm slumped in this depression.Sorry...went off on a tangent....With Phil..he just wants me for my assets...I kind of want to but think its loneliness...can't tell what my own intentions r...damn!
"Its been too long. Come let me hold you." That's what I feel abt him....I know in my heart that I love him. I know that I need him on some level but in my heart...I'm afraid to take that step..more like leap...into love into hurt into the unknown. Or maybe that its getting cold and when it gets cold that's when these needs come up...need to connect. Need to feel loved. Need to be held....I wonder if he can meet these needs or if I'm asking for too much...am I? I just want to wrap myself in him.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.- mantra of the day
Friday, May 25, 2007
Mr. Phil wants to find a decent girl. And..he's made his quest known. Very known. Yet and still, I'm sitting right across from him like CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME! I'M RIGHT FUCKIN HERE!
He's still trolling Black Planet, and myspace - all sorts of things.
Posted by Nina at 2:45 PM
Saturday, May 26, 2007
benefit of the doubt
it's a special thing. to give someone the benefit of doubt. meaning, you really are hoping for the best even though your heart knows its the worst.
maybe this is more than i can handle.
maybe this is a challenge for me.
i don't know my take on it.
but, for now..he gets the benefit of the doubt from me.
i'm witholding judgement.
i'm holding my peace.
looking at my cards, while the chips are stacked. seeing if he's bluffing.
then i'll take a deep breath and lay my cards on the table.
so, he gets the benefit of the doubt
Saturday, May 26, 2007
We got it on and poppin
Right after I wrote the benefit of the doubt post,
I was staring Mr.Phil in the eyes. Daring him to do something.
I was bold. I was fearless.
I was horny.
I was scared.
Somehow, we stood up and he kissed me!
Ooooo weeeeeeeeee those lips!
Big, juicy, soft! Yummy..
Those arms...sexy, strong, yummy! Lol
We were sneaking kissses n all day.
But it was harder because there was people around and we're at WORK FOR
FUCK'S SAKE [lol]
He already propositioned me to go into the bathroom and fucking him....I
One girl comes in...we send her out for Starbucks.
He grabbed my ass, my tits (tits are breasts when they're being
respectable..this was not a respectable situation)...bit my neck.
He says he loves my lips.
People come in. Surely, we can't send them all to Starbucks.
We send flirtatious messages to each other.
We walk down in the staircase.
We walk up the staircase, fearful that someone was coming.
Then......sluttiness ensues....if u have a problem...with that...this is
not for u.....
Ok...with that said.
We kissed. He ripped open my dress...it has buttons going down the
front. And pulled out my tit and was sucking on it like a baby trying to
He grabbed at my thighs. He cupped my ass....he was trying to stick his
fingers n my cunt.
(Yes cunt is a dirty word and I loves it!)
I pushed him away....I scratched his back....I kiissed and licked and
nibbled and bit
He kept trying to push my head down..
Me (thinking): "I'm not sucking ur dick"
Mr.Phil pushes my hand down to his crotch...
Me(thinking): "I can do a handjob"
Kiss some more. He pulls hair and scratches me and almost chokes me...
He slips his finger in...ooooo...I'm wetttttt
It sloshes around (lol) and he's entering me.
My leg is shaking.
Oooo my leg is shaking.
He aggressively asks me to suck his dick.
"Yo..I wanna feels ur lips on my dick."
Mmmmm....he knows what he wants..and is not afraid to ask for it. Sexy
I oblige...he says I'm good.
Me (thinking) Ge Me! Go me!
I hear him say "yea that's right swallow that shit"
I don't swallow. Nooo sirrreee
Sure enough it was coming.
I spit it out.
Thinking about his last HIV test.
Thinking about mine.
Me (shouting) ur supposed to warn people.
Him: sorry...he kisses me
Then...he walks me almost all the way home..which includes train and bus
He won't stop talking....
Oh, didn't I mention? I just want u for sex?
To be continued....
hunh? Saturday, June 6, 2007
I want to kiss Mr. Phil again, but do not have the urge to make the move. Don't know if I should and don't feel like someone's hand going down my shirt right now. Maybe, I shouldn't resume the kissing until I feel like some lovin....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........................
Moving in time is quickly approaching. What to do? What to do?
Still haven't packed completely. Feeling soooo willy nilly about it. Actually, really am anxious about. But...I can't seem to want to do anything lately. Feeling really willy nilly about life.
Posted by Nina at 7:31 AM
Friday, July 6, 2007
Mr. Phil no more!
Mr. Phil is somewhat of a lothario with the ladies. He's one of the 2 goodlooking fellas here at work and all the ladies swoon.
But, I, ladies and gents am officially over it and him.
I'm saying this gritting my teeth holding my breath knowing this will come back to haunt me....SHIT!
But, yes Mr. Phil has been flirting with too many women here at the office. Women, by nature are like cats..territorial, ferocious creatures and he is playing with fire. He has (more than) flirted with me, GiGi, La Princesa, NewGirls 1 and 2, and he constantly searches on BlackPlanet and other sites for women. It's disgusting me.
GiGi and LP are not looking too kind on him either and I'd rather have my girls than a man.
Hopefully, I won't eat my words. They taste bitter going down.
Too bad he's so sexy though.
Posted by Nina at
Monday, December 10, 2007
Did I ever tell you....
Mr. Phil and Gi are having relations.
They're in a back-n-forth thing and I never told her about us. She
really likes him. He doesn't know what he wants.
They were off and he came to me. Asking if he could see my apartment. I
told him it wouldn't be a good idea. He didn't ask why.
Now, they're on.
I really hope this doesn't end badly. Gi is on the best friends I've
Posted by Nina
Friday, August 17, 2007
no more drop dead fred
Mr. Phil is gone. Fired today. I'm sad because I've been a bitch to him for the past few weeks. I've been told when I withold my love, its like the sunshine is gone. This was not lost on him. I treated him as I do all the lovers who've scorned me and now we won't have our Saturday morning flirtation to get back to that place where we were comfortable.
Maybe its better that way.
Oooh..there's a new guy at the job who is yummy....(lol)
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Guess Fred wasn't Dead
Mr. Phil bowed out with a bang it seemed. He named names of people who are unhappy in the company. Specifically me.
In great detail.
This annoys me to no other.
uno: Don't throw other people under the bus because you want to have more ammunition. Let me speak on my shit. You try to keep yours together.
dos: We haven't been speaking at all lately anyway. So...he doesn't know what he's talking about...Yes, everyone knows by the scowl on my face, I love working there, but still... refer to #1.
He was not fired, after all. He was suspended for 2 weeks. If he's smart, he'll find another job.
Either way, there's no space in my heart for him anymore. My weasel quota is filled to capacity.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Exorcizing Mr. Phil
If you're not familiar...bone up on the Mr. Phil series.(LOOK TO THE RIGHT)I sat at work, trying to feel important, perusing my e-mail and I kept my G-mail open for a while. A window opens,
How you doing?
I'm good. At work..taking over for (insert supervisor's name).
Ok. What are you doing this weekend besides working?
Umm....nothing. I don't know. Are you in school?
(Did you notice the deliberate subject change)
Yes. I go to York.
What are you studying?
You like it?
Yes, they have an amazing program they guide you all the way through law school wah wah wah...Do you have a man?
I'm dating. What about you?
I have the same attitude about women.
Wow. I guess I always admired your honesty. You never made it out to be more than what it was. Women appreciate that. But, I guess I never understood the whole "not having time for a relationship" thing.
When a man says he doesn't have time for a relationship, it means he DOESN'T WANT a relationship.
True. Because if you wanted it you would make time. At least you didn't try to front when it came to me AND Gi.
Yes. I'm still very attracted to you. If you want, I'm not dating anyone right now, I'd like to have sex with you.
I guess I'm flattered. I will have to say no. Gi is my friend and I couldn't do that.
Gi was never my girl. I messed with you before I messed with her.
Yes, and I never told her what went on with her. If I did, I could guarantee she wouldn't have slept with you.
I guess there's some type of principle girls have when it comes to that.
Yes, there is.
Well, I can respect that. Does that mean we can't get a drink some time.
No, it doesn't. As long as you know there are boundaries.
Well, I guess that means no because I would still try to violate those boundaries. I can't lie. I want to sleep with you. I never got the chance and I really want to.
*jaw on the floor*
Well, I guess it is what it is.
Nina, I've always admired your strength. I hope you accomplish
everything that you want in your life. Goodbye and good luck.
This negro did not just proposition me. No, he didn't expect me to hop into bed with him. No, he didn't dismiss me form his life just like that.Now that I'm writing this, I'm thinking about how much I wanted him once upon a time. We felt each other up with the cameras watching at work and did not care. He was so big and sexy. When he kissed my neck, shivers ran down my spine. He was so passionate.It's been a while! Jesus take the wheel! I hope I made the right decision.