Dayum

My cable and phone are off and soon, my internet will be too. I feel like the only loseur. What's worse - my friends are here to witness this. No, ladies and gentlemen, I do not have it all together. I can't blame anyone but myself. I knew a bill was due. I thought that miraculously it would not turn off until I had money to pay it or I could skate by on a sob story and a dream....Please oh please turn it back on!

Right

New Yorkers really don't give a fuck.

I could say I'm dying of cancer and they won't turn that shit back on.
And now...I'm fending off tears because I don't get paid for another week and a half and having no tv, internet, and phone will suck. ass.


What way to goddamn wake-up.

My hands are small...

I looked at them today and I wondered how they got to be that way. I used to be something and someone different. I used to be bigger than who I am right now. Unfortunately, I don't mean in the literal sense. But, somehow, parts of me started diminishing, being chipped away. I don't know where my pieces are. I don't know how to put them together. I know where I want to end up, but am not sure how to map it out for myself. All I know is that I have to take a look at myself. A good long hard look at who I am and start to med those broken pieces of myself. First, I'll tape...then glue...then putty and sandpaper until I'm smooth and round and shiny again.

Then maybe one day these hands won't be so small.

Like a Moth to a Flame

Afroman is coming over to have mango and whipped cream. And a slice of me probably.

Hopefully.


*wink*

Everywhere I turn...there's a hill...

So Tuesday, Twin was supposed to make my ball dress. We chose a royal blue material that was supposed to be accented with a white shiny material. It was going to be a 1940s feel complete with (ugh!) white shoes. For the record, I absolutely detest white shoes. But, Twin had a vision and everyone knows better than to question his vision. *Note: When saying vision..you are saying it with a snooty French accent...so it comes out more like vig-shyawn..*

Anywho...he starts sewing the white and the blue together, promptly stops and says that he cannot go on. The blue is ugly and will not get me far in the competition. Well...gooooooshdarnit! Who am I to stop a man when his vision doesn't work?Getting a new one was tough...especially for me because I was tired,headachey, annoyed that I'd been at his house the entire day with an annoying person...watched them get their pageant outfit made and I left with nothing.And so...We went back to the drawing board. Found a beautiful Gaultier babydoll dress that we could imitate that would give us that 'wow' factor. It's lavendar accented with black sequins. With a little hat and a veil. I feel pretty in it which a huge turn-a-round from not too long ago *ahem* Monday...where I really didn't want to be bothered with the whole thing.I don't know which one I like more....the outfit he's making for me to go in or the outfit that I'm competing in.Miracles are real.*sigh*

Hopefully, I can win...that would be the real miracle. That was the story of my 2 days off. Now, I'm going back to work with a tinge of annoyance on my tongue, slight exhaustion on my back, and anxiousness on my brow.I feel like everything is a mess. I'm trying to piece my life together bit by bit.

Lawd knows...I need all the help I can get.

Diarrhea of the Mouth

There are those who need to connect with someone. Who must have conversation to feel like they apart of the human race and that you like them are going through the same thing.I am missing this gene.I do not fancy random people speaking to me at random times.

Mr. Migraine did not help this feeling 12:25am on the bus going home. I wanted to hear nothing. I wanted to say nothing. But a woman got on the bus at 12:11. She got off at 12:25. I know this because she would not stop talking the entire time. In those 14 minutes I found that she has to get her passport renewed. Is flying out the country to visit her mom, left her favorite watch at work and it was stolen qucikly, and that the bus driver gets off of work at 1:30am.I just wanted to go home in silence. I'm funny like that. I don't like loud talking in the morning either. It disrupts my whole mood. That's why I stopped taking the 3 train to work on sat/sun mornings. You always have the nurses who want to converse loudly. All I wanna do is act like I'm still in the bed asleep. Give me the drunks on the A train everyday. Who cares if its out of my way a little. At least I'm guaranteed a seat.

Do you know she had the gall to give me a dirty look because I refused to join in the bus discussion of something mundane like how sweet it is to get off work at 1:30am. That's not sweet. You can never go out with a schedule like that.

The nerve!

Yup..everyone's here...

Another pageant has descended upon us. When I say pageant, I mean ball. By ball, I mean a place where predominantly, gay, transgender, lesbian folk get together and compete in different categories. Like beauty, runway, vogue, fashion sense, sex appeal, et al. Oh...and then there's me and women like me who are totally not lgbt. We happen to be their
fabulous friends. Totally straight. Um, I think they call us...*ahem*fag
hags*ahem*

Even though I don't llike that term at all.

Let's reflect:The f-bomb is something I don't feel comfortable with dropping at all. I don't feel comfortable with anyone using it. Its one of those words that should make everyone uncomfortable. Somewhere between the n-word and mulatto.

Then there's hag. Hags are old, gray-haired, too many cat-owning spinsters who've never found love. Or never found love that would stay long.That's not me. Hopefully.

Anywho...I digress.I compete in the women's face beauty competition. And the ball that's coming up is going to be a killer!Lawd knows the mirror and I aren't getting along as it is!I'm tired. I'm so stressed, I'm scared that I'm going to get an aneurism.

Well...this whole day has been a struggle. First, I woke up with my body
aching not really wanting to get out of bed. Gypsy was selfishly only thinking about being held and I was selfishly thinking about laying in bed with the Sun on my face for a while. It ended up that I had this ball to prepare for and laying in bed was not an option. So, I get to twin's house. He informs me that our friend AngelinaJolie (AJ) had to
get her costume done for the ball. So, I waited for hers to be
done....which took from 3pm - 7pm. Yes...agony, annoyance..aggravation.
Check. Check. Check. I could've stayed in bed a few extra hours. Then
the fabric that we (meaning me, twin1 and angelinajoloe aka aj) kinda
quasi-stole (story to come) did not work for me at all. (Thanks
Karma...u rat ass biatch). So...as I waited for the bus...with AJ and
her beautiful new costume in tow, I checked again. Aggravtion.
Annoyance. Agony.
Check. Check. Check.

They brought their friend along. Migraine.

Check.

i'm supposed to be working..

yet...i find myself looking off into la la land or reading blogs or just plain sleeping with my eyes open. this is not purposefully. it totall catches me off guard and i promptly go back to work.


but, seeing as my superior is not doing anything but talking to my other superior, i do not feel guilt or shame.

just a bit startled at how easy the mind wanders.

rain rain go away....

It is raining buckets outside.

I swear, all I wanted to do was act like my Gypsy this morning and cry between eating and loafing around the house.

I was so close to turning around today when I was time to get off the train, brave the wind and rain and come to a busy busy work day.

I guess my only consolation is that I got to wear my supercute black and pink polka dot rainbootz.

And really....if you must brave the elements, you might as well be fashionable while you do it.

Moments like these...

There are those moments when I am thankful. I am thankful for the
wonderful gay man at Target who let me exchange my items instead of
returning, then sending me to the purchase line.

I am thankful for XBGF for actually coming through with at much need 60
bucks.

I am thankful for those customers who decided NOT to call today.

I am grateful for seats on the bus.

I am thankful for Sun. For Water. For LipChap.

My hearts swells in gratitude for being given a strong mind, strong
will, and heart to tread these waters of life valliantly. To not faulter
when times are rough...because times are rough a lot lately.

I am grateful for never having visible sweat marks. For always being
"sure" when I forget my deodorant from time to time.

I am thankful that I can apply makeup. That I can effectively unleash my
inner drag queen.

I am even thankful for conversations with the mirror. So, I know when to
stop and drop into the nearest Serta, Sealy, or Posturpedic bed.

I am thankful for grease when my hair is dry, Nivea for my skin, and
Stila for those pesky under-eye areas.

I am thankful it costs nothing to smile or laugh, because these
days...that's the only thing I have in abundance.

ugh!

tired.
never can get enough sleep. i'm fantasizing about a nice little cuddle session. me n the cat...
and about cleaning the house. me n some new smellgoodcleaning products.

oh yea...i know a good time.

rarr!

Albinos r Hott!

Dear Guy w/Melanin Deficiency,

You're hott. Like really.And...I'm if it weren't 6:30am and I were in better clothes and you weren't dozing off every other train stop, I'd totally be hitting on you right now. I mean I think we'd be good together.

But...something tells me it wouldn't work. Maybe, just maybe because I keep picturing you with a normal skintone.

Sorry.

But...if you ever want to play big spoon-little spoon. I'm your girl.

I have to stop looking at you now. The girl next to you might get the wrong impression.

Til the next sleepy awkward train ride we take together. Hopefully, I would've cared enough to actually bring a matching purse and your eyes will be open for more than a minute.

Regards.
J

Mirror Conversations

M: You know you haven't been taking care of yourself at all lately.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

M: I mean...look at you. Bags, circles under your eyes. Dry skin. Dry hair. Dry nails. You're just dry.

Gee thanks.

M: You know, I only say this cuz I love ya!

"...."

M: Well you need to do some---

I gotta go.

M: You don't wanna hear the truth.

See ya!

M: We're not finished. No not at all. You can't avoid me forever! You're gonna look at me to see if you have something in your teeth or you eye and bam! I'm gonna get ya!

The mirror sounds like a cross between an old Jewish lady, my mom, the mob and me.


I know!


Freaky!

It all falls down.....

I think I may be falling love with Afroman all over again. The cause is unknown. Maybe he is just an all-around good person. Seeing him with the kitten. Hell, just seeing him! The funny part is...I don't want to date him again. Doing that is going backwards in a way. Don't get me wrong. He is kind, loyal, a great listener, good in the sack, eager to please....BUT but...I don't know. This is me we're talking about here. La FuckUp Supreme. So, in good me fashion....I am taking a step back. A baby step. We all know I'll be calling him for a middle of the night spooning session in no time.

But a girl's gotta at least have the illusion she's putting her foot down.


Even if she's only fooling herself with said illusion.

Sleep Standing Up

I haven't posted in a few days because at the end of the day, I'm too tired to string together a coherent sentence. In the middle of the day, I'm too frazzled to pull something entertaining out, and in the beginning of the day, I'm rushing out of the house like my ass in on fire.Sweet Jesus.I.am.tired(!!!!!!)

I feel like I am really beat down.

Nevertheless, for the sake of the blog....I will write something.


Soon.


I promise.

so much to say so little time

I have PMS 365/24/7...does that mean I'm a bitch? I'm some respects...hells yeah.

I work for a car service.
I have an account with said service. Even though, it is overpriced. At the time it was convenient. Damn convenience to hell. Convenience means they're taking extra money out of my check for the next 5 checks. Damn Damn Damn....


It just never stops. I keep saying I need another job. A second job or a different one entirely.

Ugh!

Under rocks, Shit in the Bathtub, and Pink Polka Dot Galoshes...

I've been out of the loop and under a rock for the past 2 days. Kind of
not purposefully. I could've written a post on my sidekick while in
bed...or at the computer desk last night, but.....I didn't. Yes, I know
Captain Obvious.

I got a kitten.

Her name is Gypsy. She is gorgeous and frustrating. Loveable and
chokeable.

The first night she cried and cried and cried. I had to sleep in the
living room. Imagine, being held hostage out of your own bedroom by a
2pound cat. Unthinkable. She finally came along...peeing on the carpet
and things of that nature. I've been trying to get her to use the litter
box....no go.

Monday
I was suppsed to get this tooth taken out of my mouth. Once and for all.
But, I knew. I knew something wasn't going to happen the way it was
planned. Why else would I take the stuff I needed to return to Old Navy
and the receipt to pick up my air conditioner with me?

I got to the dental clinic at 11:30, signed in and went to meet
Afroman. (yes, he was going to be my shoulder in case I was doped up and
incapacitated) We got back at 12pm...went to the receptionist to pay the
$48 visit fee. The dental assistant...whoever the hell this rude woman
was asked me if I had my extraction fee. (Uhhh...what extraction fee? I
specifically was told that whatever you get it costs $48. Sounded too
good to be true a week ago...so I asked again. I said I wanted my x-rays
to take to another clinic. She said...why go somewhere else. You can get
it done her for $48.) So.....looking into the face of the person who
told me, instead of admitting her faults, she totally threw me under the
bus.

So...we left and got my air conditioner. I am a trooper. If Afroman
wasn't there, I would've climbed through the window and beat the crap
out of that bitch. But, I have to keep up appearances as a nice lady
(keyword: lady)

We pick up the air conditioner and all I can hear is the proverbial tick
tock of my biological clock. Why? I don't know. I'm only 21 years old.
Funny...
But...I was trying to make Afroman knock me up. By saying things like "I
look just like my mom just in my dad's complexion. I love your skin
tone. You lovemy face. Why not have a baby. It'll look like me but in
your skintone. Doesn't that sound wonderful?"

Afroman: uhhhh no it doesn't. It really doesn't.

I am a joy to be around. No?
Moving along...1/2 a meltdown later when I told him to stop complaining
about carrying the air conditioner....and on the bus....I am lusting
after having a baby again. They were following me everywhere. There was
the little boy who was giving me the Joey eyes, as if to say How you
doin?
the little grl who was his playdate who laughed and laughed at me when
all I said was Hey lil mama. Her smile melted the icecaps off my heart.
There was a toddler with floppy hair and the other one who hair sandy
brown hair walking by his mom like he was a big man at 3.
The icing on the cake had to be the little piece of pie on the bus. She
loked just like me as a baby. I wanted to steal her from her parents.
Grab her and run.

Later on, when Gypsy was pissing me off...I told Afroman, I could see myself throwing her out the window. He pointedly said. If you can't handle a kitten, how are you going to handle a kid. I think I had him sold on the idea of knocking me up til that point. Shit!

We got the ait conditioner in the window and put her on....ahhhhhh coolness....
He spent the night and Gyspy was up to no good. Twin has already joked that she's jealous of my good looks. I had half a mind to think she was the one who wanted Afroman to knock her up. She wouldn't calm down when I pet her...but ooooh when AM did..she purred and purred. Bitch.

It was kind of sweeet. Me laying on his chest. Her laying on the other side. He was petting both of us. He showed me just how gentle and loving he is...that's sexy.


To be continued....I'm about to cut some coworkers....

Rage

That lil voice in the back of my mind.....is telling me to inflict hurt.
The kind that either bruises really bad or makes someone bleed. Either
or would be nice. In short...rage is pulsing through my veins and I
don't know..fight or flight?

we made a groove last night

It's a wonder that I'm not dead, my vagina hasn't detached itself and run away, and that I'm still awake. Geez.

I bathed in Afroman's lust, love, whatever it is.

All.

Night.

Long.

He came over around 12. We went to sleep around 3. I had to be at work at 7. You do the math.
***funny comment he made, "So, I wonder what your blog will be about tomorrow, hmmmm."***

Exhausted.

(but...it was fun) *wink*

Technical Difficulties

so, you know I love my sidekick like I love my left hand. but, it deleted the last 3 posts. afrigginafrack! it took 3 times to turn it off and on to get it back. PLUS, when I got home, I have a computer virus (it seems) where it won't open my Internet Explorer....

well, isn't that just purrrfect...

watching the signs as I go...

So...I went to the lovely animal shelter today and found my new companion. Her name is....Precious. Only because I was pressed to come up with something. The most adorable little kitten ever. She's 5months old. She's a black and white tiger cat and she was literally shaking in my arms. She's a lot sturdier than Stella since she's 4x older than her- literally. So, unless I forget to feed her, there's not a way I.can break her. At least...that's how I see it. The ACC is in WayOutThere
town. According to the website, you take the 3 to NewLots Ave, walk 6
blocks and presto changeo..nope! Its more like...get off the train.
Walk the wrong way. Get on the bus. Realize...its crowded as shit. Get off
walk 10 blockes...to find that you should've stayed on the bus you were on because it took you to where you need to go anyway.
JesusMaryandJoseph!

So...I guess I have an allergy to pets. As soon as I walked out, my eyes were itching, my nose was congested, and sneezing was welcomed. Itching is not the appropiate verb...more like..it would be better if I plucked my eyes out of my sockets, scratched them and placed them back...yowza!

As I took a surprisingly accurate route back home (guess I do know Brooklyn..yay!) I meandered my way through some of my old haunts. Past the place I used to call church. The place I was a frequent guest at Sunday dinner. Further past the place where I first called my church home. It was all very weird. It was like going back home, when home has been picked over and there is nothing left but bone. I saw famiiar faces, but instead of feeling warm inside, I felt like I'd been slapped.

It stirred up memories that I worked hard to bury. I'd be damned if a bus ride will undo all my hard work. Hmmph!

Let them eat cake!

I was reading the fish's blog about notes she received from her high school boyfriend. It made me remember. Remember notes being passed from me to BigTimeHighSchoolLove. The type of love that kept me for 3 years and broke my heart. It was the love that made me bitter and angry for years, looking in the face of men knowing they were just like him. He wrote me notes.

It made me nostalgic.

It made me realize how painfully young I was and how words like love, lust, infatuation, and sex in my wise old age of 21 years --- those words were like French to me back then. I knew their meanings. I could conjugate them to different tenses..even use them in a sentence, but their true interpretation...I could not fathom.

And now, they're becoming more like Spanish. I know their meaning more.

I can speak it more fluently. And...I want it. I want to be romanced.
Open my door. Pull out my chair. Tell me I'm beautiful and special and
dammit...you l-o-v-e me. More importantly, make me feel it.

Spiraling back into Afroman's arms, rather.....having him spiral back into my bed feels good. Feels damn good in the respect that he knows my body. He knows my mind. He knows my craziness and yet he doesn't run away.

Does he make me feel loved? Sometimes.

Its not that "can'tbreathewithoutyouGetallgiddywithyounexttome.myheartwasostwithoutyou" love.

He's pleasing my body right now.
He's *dare I say* convenient. And so am I. *dare I say easy*

I want a man who will ease my load a little bit. Someone who will have my back. Someone who doesn't have me do the heavy-lifting in the relationship.

Like that song...
Been around the world
And I can't find my baby

For now, I guess I'm content with this convenient arrangement we have.
I'm having my cake...I need some ice cream too.

Insufficient Funds

The first thing I thought about this morning...ya know, after the
initial shock of..."omg! Its 5:45. I have to leave the house at 6"
was...shit!, was I'm 3 posts behind. How have I become deficient in the span

of an evening. Holy Cow! Based on yesterday, we've got some catching up

to do.

So...pull up a chair. Take off your shoes. Stay a lil while.

well...if the shoe fits....

post is pending.

you look tired

[start scene]

6:55 pm
Brooklyn Supermart
Young woman opens door, intent on mental grocery list

Good afternoon
mumbles something unintelligible.

Dashes through store getting items.
Garlic. Black Pepper. Chocolate Cookie Dough Icecream. Alfredo Sauce. Splurges on Air Freshener.

God bless you.
mumbles something unintelligible

Young woman looks in wallet. $3 til 5pm tomorrow.

**sigh**

Her mouth waters for the icecream as she talks herself into cooking that night, knowing that there will be nothing but breakfast eaten the whole day. She walks home. Thinking. Budgeting. Seeing if she can scrimp from Paul to give to Peter.

Young woman walks past her next door neighbor.

Hey, J!
Hi Ms. K.
You look tired.

She walks into her apartment and lets the silence surround her.

Screw cooking, she thinks.




She is tired.

A Change is Coming

Anyone who knows me, knows that I get really OCD and bored with things...QUICK...so...with that said, a new look for the blog is coming. So...when you come again (you are coming again, right?)...do not be alarmed...life is still the same fickle pickle; the title will not change - the look will be different.

A change is gonna come.

Keeps things light and fresh and interesting...no?

SuperPost Pt 2

So, Afroman comes over and I've been asleep all day. I'm in pain and very vulnerable. We're watching tv and he's holding me and is just being wonderful. Our faces are close and we start kissing.

I missed him.

He has beautiful thick lips.

Omg, what are you doing? You called him over to help you put Anbesol on your tooth and hold you to keep you from crying and taking pliers to your mouth. Abort! Abort!

He kisses my neck. Electric shocks runs up and down my spine then straight down below. I look in his eyes. They have lust in them. His skin is beautiful. He is beautiful. My shirt is off.

How did that happen?

He's sucking on my breasts while I straddle him. He pushes me down on the couch and......

this is the story of how we christened my nice plush leather couch.

and the living room floor.

and my nice $35 bed.

(Twice...)

I think my neighbors heard the bed rocking at 7am. I'm a bit embarrassed about it only because they're the first lady and pastor of the church in front of my house.
But, it may have been worth it. It was really the best sex I've had in a while. (let's not mention the last time I had sex, it was with Afroman.) He's learned some things since then...and he makes wonderful scrambled eggs....nice

SuperPost!

I've been witholding the love. It just seemed to be such a tedious job
to post....**sigh**

So...where were we?

<strong>Saturday night.</strong>

I was invited to a BBQ by a friend of a friend. I said that I would
go...but out of fear of
being humiliated, I employed BestFriend, yes we ended our little feud. Decked out in my cute little outfit, I met BF at Fulton Park in Brooklyn
to find...Dancing in the Park...woo hoo! It was salsa and the
neighborhood was jamming. I took my place on a bench and watched from
afar. BF showed up shortly after with her cousin in tow. Yummy! We sat,
we talked, we laughed, we  joked.

Girl who we were crashing with decided to go to the mall right when she
was supposed to meet us there. We stayed there for a lil while longer,
decided to leave, give her 30 minutes and leave. We treked our way all
the way out to where the festivities were supposed to be held. Nothing
looked like it was going down, so we sat on a random stoop and played
photo shoot. I realized that I am not model material.

With it being 10pm and with me having to wake up at 5am to go to work
the next day, we hightailed it to my place.
We watched the BET Awards on my DVR. At around 11, I tried to play
conservative and go to sleep only to be jolted awake within an hour with
an unbearable pain in my mouth.

I took an aspirin, but was still wide awake. She was my first overnight
guest. We made omelets with turkey sausage at 12 am. Drank cosmos and I
knew any chance of me sleeping was nil. Still, I tried....dozing off for
a bit...only to wake up at 2 with the most intense pain I've ever felt
coming from the left side of my face. I tried another aspirin, not
trying to overdose...it did nothing. It felt as though my whole mouth
were throbbing. I tried to take my mind off of the pain but to no avail.
At 5 am...after being up a whole 24+ hours, I started balling like a
baby.

<strong>Sunday morning</strong>
Found me with a heavy chip on my shoulder. I struggled to stay awake at
my job while juggling the pain and my not-so-cheery disposistion.
Needless to say, it was no easy feat...but I prevailed.
Sidenote: how hard is it to get a kitten in this town?
I've been prowling craigslist for a free cat but no one's been that
generous. It seems...Stella left a bit of a void....*sigh*

<strong>Monday</strong>

I woke up at 5am...with the intense pain. Within 20 minutes it subsided.
Again at 7 am. Then at 9am. I got up calling out of work....resolving to
gett this troublesome tooth extracted, caring little even if it meant
using a pair of pliers and brute strength.

I mean, I have insurance...right....no problem.
And so...I called every place on the GHI website, hoping someone would
have an oral surgeon available that day. No one. No one. What insurance
do you have? Oh...PPO...let me call your insurance company. He called
back and laid it on me. In order to surgically extract a tooth it would
be
$800. I would need to pay half of it at first. Then....the other half
I'd be allowed to pay off in increments.

Right....ya know...I just have that kind of money laying
around....ummmm.....no!

And so...I called to the clinic where I went initally...after several
phone calls back and forth....I have an appointment for next Monday. Are
you kidding me! I have to wait a full week to get this resolved....Lord
knows, I have no idea how.

Told Afroman that I needed some cuddle face time and surprisingly he
came. I thought he wasn't coming so I stayed in bed all day, sleeping
the time away when I could've been cleaning. At least the apartment was
sorta presentable.

I was feeling vulnerable and one thing to another....but that's another
post.

(I'm leading you on...hahaha....but I have such a bad headache)

What a Saturday is about....

After work, I felt like my head was being compressed with all the stuff
going on...so I decided to walk to Bryant Park. My skin hadn't seen
sunlight in so long, it started to sting on contact...weird.
I sat down and looked around (after my soda exploded on me..chocolate
fell on my skirt and I didn't notice until it halfway melted, and I
searched for a pen for 10 mins) and looked around. Ahhh....my
people...meaning New Yorkers...a small group of girls giggling..an older
couple holding hands...kids running around in the adorable not so
annoying way....and errr...a girl in a red halter top bikini? What?
Yes...it was hot. Hot enough for beads of sweat to have formed in less
than 5 minutes of being out there...but a bikini....ok chick. Moving
on.

This is a weekend, I thought.

Of course I had to leave because the cynic in me thought to budget and
became stressed and decided all that sitting in the sun is overated
unless its in another city...say Miami....lol

All signs point to....

the looney bin. Seeing as this is my 5th post for the day before 12noon...all conveying slightly different emotions, it is safe to say that I'm not wrapped too tightly. I'm sitting at work, minding my own business, comprising an awesome reading list, while reading blogs, and I feel a pimple, then I feel irritated, then a wave of melancholy washes over me and I feel like crying. So, I opt for the next best thing - Oatmeal Raisin cookies from the office vending machine. I would opt for Pepsi but they're all sold out...bitches! Too bad I don't like Mr.Phil anymore. He knows how to work out (some) of my funk...ISn't everyone allowed a breakdown every now and again (on a public blog..no less)

*starts humming* I remember when I lost my mind...it was something so special about that day..even your emotions gotta let go....

They messed up now

They should've never given me a blog. A place where I can post 24/7. I do it from my sidekick, from my desk at work....from everywhere.

Oh yes...

Out of control

Porn

to me is Barnes and Noble. The lure of a nice warm tea and a cuddly bed with a hot new book gets my blood racing..my juices flowing and stimulaion from head to toe. Bon chika woun woun....

Oooh Baby...I think I'm going to have a new man in my life. His name is Harukui Murakami. I haven't yet to read his books...but it's like the start of any new relationship. I'm playing coy while my heart is fluttering with...


Anticipation


My new best girlfriend is Eric Simone Turnipseed. She wrote the most wonderful book, A Love Noir...it was real, not too graphic. It felt like we were talking over drinks. And yet...it was well-written.She has a new book out. Well new is relative. I just so happened to put her name in on the BN website and bam! I feel slapped. She didn't even tell me...
But, I look forward to Hunger. It meets up where A Love Noir left off and baby I've got pangs for this book....yay!!!

Bite Me!

If the dead mouse I encountered in the middle of the street is any indication of how the rest of the day will be, I should pack it up and go home right now.

I walked into work with a boulder (not just a chip) on my shoulder, a scowl on my face, and a stone heart.

Randomness

Oh how I long for the day that I can lounge in bed on a Saturday or a
Sunday. Working both days is a real pain in the ass. Really really.
Lounging on a Tuesday or Wednesday feels so wrong. There's that
energy...that makes you want to do something.

Dear girl sitting next to me,

It's 6am. If you want to start your day with shitty urban pop music
painfully loud..by all means. But sitting 5 seats then right next to you
being able to hear it is annoying.

Thoroughly.

And...me being annoyed first thing in the morning does not translate
well in the scheme of my day.

So...save my day. More importantly, save your eardrums.

Thanks

It goes without saying. I'm grumpy, and tired, and have a song I hate in
my head...thanks to loud ipod girl.

I resolve to......

Yes...I've waited 7 months to find a New Year's resolution...and here it goes....I resolve to take better care of myself. A quick glance at myself finds me with bags under my eyes, dry skin (lets not relive the eczema catastrophe that was last week), dry hair that is unruly, and a
knot that keeps revisiting my right shoulder.Tonight was one of those nights that made me want to whip out my kick and blog about it.Today found me just flat out disagreeable and [dare I say] grumpy.But...GiGi and LaPrincesa took me to Olive Garden which I hadn't been to since I was 18 and filled my belly with food, laughter, and my heart with good cheer. The train ride back home featured a (homeless?) woman singing opera quite beautifully, a man who offered his seat and an indignant looking Muslim man who held a Final Call newspaper that had the headline "Integration is Hypocritical Trick."
I wanted to say ummm....hun....I'm sitting next to these white
ladies....I think we're pretty much integrated already. What mawde
things worse was that his bag fell over and a whole bunch of bean pies
fell out...I thought "how cliche are you right now."
I chuckled at myself on the inside...temporarily sidetracked by a
beautiful man looking at me. (Hey there....bon chika woun woun) I stepped off of the swift moving train to a beautiful cool night wishing it would'nt end.

The best part of the night happened later on that night when I got a knock on the door.

J: Who is it?
Me
OMG It's the mother! Is the house clean?
But, its all well...she inspected a little and saw my neato closet and my bed, bookcase, tv, that the house was clean and I had a fridge full of food and hugged me tight.

She was impressed.

I was going to end this post with the rest of my resolution but it seems as though its pointless.

I done good.

That was all I need to hear.

I done good! :0)

Mr. Phil no more!

Mr. Phil is somewhat of a lothario with the ladies. He's one of the 2 goodlooking fellas here at work and all the ladies swoon.

But, I, ladies and gents am officially over it and him.

I'm saying this gritting my teeth holding my breath knowing this will come back to haunt me....SHIT!

But, yes Mr. Phil has been flirting with too many women here at the office. Women, by nature are like cats..territorial, ferocious creatures and he is playing with fire. He has (more than) flirted with me, GiGi, La Princesa, NewGirls 1 and 2, and he constantly searches on BlackPlanet and other sites for women. It's disgusting me.
GiGi and LP are not looking too kind on him either and I'd rather have my girls than a man.

Hopefully, I won't eat my words. They taste bitter going down.

Too bad he's so sexy though.

la la la

Words are swirling in my head, but I haven't been able to pin them down and get them on paper or on screen. I have things to do but once again they are eluding my grasp. I am trying to get it together, but I feel a bit like a child laying in a field of grass..

all I can think of is nothingess...

la la la la la

restraint

As I walked up the stairs strong, as to not alarm my neighbor that I was tipsy, walked into my apartment, kicked off my shoes and threw off my purse...undressing all the way to the bed, picking up a t-shirt, putting it on backwards, and collapsed on the bed - spread eagle style..I was happy for practicing restraint.

BF4Now

How I work in customer service, I do not have a clue. I do it
begrudgingly. I hate people's quirks. The shit that they do that
inconvenience others. Argh.

Before riding on that train of thought taints my post....I'll move on.

I have $4.38 in my bank account til next Friday.
Exactly.
And, I don't care. I am happy. I bought my ticket to Miami. I've booked
my car. All is set and well and all I'm paying for next is the
transportation when I get there and hotel...and of course...FUN! This
summer is kind of shaping out to what I wanted it to be. My girls and I
really enjoying life.
Can't wait to sip drinks in South Beach.
Yowza!

I was not productive at work today by any stretch of the imagination. I
answered 3 emails, took 5 phone calls and effectively found a killer
bathing suit. Work was great.

GiGi, LaPrincesa, and I decided to let our hair down and take in a lil
Mexican food. After 1 drink, I was feeling thye love. After digesting
and getting caught up on the lives of our coworkers...we found ourselves
on the pier laughing and talking. We discussed penis size, or rather
variations of it, God, family, out of control teenagers and LP said that
I'm the most together 21 year old she knows.
That warmed my heart. Because, I try.

Even know as I write this from my sidekick. My trust companion, a little
more than tipsy...I'm glad that I've found friends. Maybe not til the
end. But I won't know until we get there.

Disillusionment and Mariah Carey

It was twilight
On the Fourth of July
Sparkling colors were
Strewn across the sky
And we sat close enough
That we just barely touched
While roman candles
Went soaring above us and baby

Then you put your hand in mine
And we wandered away
I was trembling inside
But I wanted to stay
Pressed against you there
and leave the world behind
On that Fourth of July

So starry eyed
On the flowery hillside
Breathless and fervid
Amid the dandelions
As it swept over me
Like the wind through the trees
I felt you sigh with a
Sweet intensity and baby

Then you put your hand in mine
And we floated away
Delicately lay entwined
In an intimate daze
A crescent moon began to shine
And I wanted to stay
Tangled up with you among the fireflies
On that Fourth of July

Thunder clouds
Hung around
So threateningly
Ominously hovering
And the sky
Opened wide
Showering

Then you put your hand in mine
And we ran from the rain
Tentatively kissed goodnight
And went our separate ways
And I've never truly felt the way that I
Felt the Fourth of July

Truly I have never felt the same inside
Like that Fourth of July
Truly I could never feel the same as I
Felt that Fourth of July

My 4th of July was never like this. Ever.
**Growing up, I wished like hell it was. I imagined myself playing cat and mouse with a beautiful poet-type or football-type. My hair blowing in the wind. Perfect outfit. Running in the cool grass barefoot. I'd let
him catch me and he'd tackle me gently and we'd roll around in the grassand bam! He'd kiss me.


**Backup Fantasy:
We would both be at the county fair..I would be with my cousins. He'd be with his boys and we would flirt with each other telepathically. Somehow we would maneuver ourselves to be standing next to each other just as the fireworks were doing their magic. As they were beginning, he'd pull me close and we would kiss, our lips parting as the final roman candle blew up in the sky....leaving each other with the memory. Not even
exchanging names.

Needless to say, I may have read too much Shakespeare as a kid...my fantasies were a little tragic and adult.But, MC made me believe.She made me want to keep hope alive that one 4th, I would experience magic.

Sometimes, I still believe in this.


**I haven't been lying to you about being a New Yorker this whole time. My summers were spent in South Carolina as a child. Fantasizing about hot holidays were all there was to do anyway**

What a Day!

The day started with me turning over, getting out of bed..groaning..not really wishing to get on with it..but, with a stern talking to...I finally got up, realizing I had to meet Twin#1 today. Did a load of laundry. Cleaned up my old apartment and while I was taking a painting and a rug upstairs to my new apartment, I heard a pop in my neck...not good. Pain ensued. SHIT SHIT SHIT!

I can't turn to the left. I can't look straight without a strain. Looking to the right doesn't hurt if I hunch my left shoulder. Geeez.

I soldiered on and went to Jack's 99 cent Store on 34th Street. That store is like heaven. Anything you want for cheap! I bought a chrome and white hamper for 8 bucks. Met up with Twin#1 and proceeded to walk to the fabric district. And there on 39th and 8th...I saw it. Its beauty stopped me in my tracks. The fabric that I will use for a certain female blogger's pillows. Beautiful. And not so expensive. AND...they had it in red/white and white/red. Loves it! Snatched it up and proceeded to get trimmings. Loving the company and also glad I talked myself out of bed for this.

Twin1 and I proceeded to get on the train and it was a mass of giggles. There was the cutest little girl that kept staring at us respectively. Weirdo. The beautiful Dominican man with muscles who is either gay and was looking at another man or is really into lesbians holding hands.Weirdo. There was the man the Dominican was looking at who I want to hop on. Lustbot. And the unfortunate accidental spitting accident I had when i burst out laughing. Thanks Twin1.

Hung out at Twin1's house. Vouguing to the beats, acting like the drag queens I've seen on too many occasions and catching on mutual friends. Good food was bought and eaten slowly. Movies were watched. Time moved at a swift pace.

On the way home, on the subway, I am sitting in front of one of the most beautiful women I've seen. She sat with her legs crossed wearing the cutest shoes, shorts, lovely ruffle top, and a blazer. Smart outfit. A wonderful white clutch that I was contemplating mugging her for and her hair in a low side braided ponytail. Hardly any makeup and a little liquid liner. A rowdy threesome came on the train, which we both shared apprehension about. One guy sat next to me. One next to her and a woman in the middle. The guy next to me asked the woman next to him if he could have some gum as she was pulling it out to chew a piece herself. She politely gave it to him, which in the exact same moment, his friend decided he wanted to chew a piece as well. Guy 1 threw it to Guy 2 and he missed, having it land on the floor.

Guy 1: Dude, pick it up and eat it
Guy 2: No, man. I'll eat the next piece if you throw it and it lands on the floor if you eat that piece that's there.
Guy 1: Sure man
He proceeds to eat the gum of the floor
Guy 2: You're disgusting
Guy 1: What 5-second rule. That was like 2 seconds, its fine.
Me and beautiful smartly dressed woman are looking at each other mouths hanging wide open.
Guy 1: Right....5 second rule.
Guy 2: Yea man. That was cool.
Girl w/2 guys: You guys are dickeads
Guy 2: Yea, we are. We never said we weren't.
Guy 1: Yea, we're 2 dickheads.
Me and beautiful smartly dressed woman are still looking at each other mouths hanging wide open.
Guy 1 (to my shocked insta-friend): Yea, that was cool right. 2-second rule.
Insta-friend: Dude, I don't want you to talk to me out of fear that you may spit when you talk and I'll get a disease. You realize you just ate something off the subway floor. This is why brown people think white people are crazy.
Guy 1: White people are crazy.

We totally need to be friends for real. Sadly, I got of the train, mouth open, amused and fled off into the night. NYC is a crazy town.

Pink Toes, Purple Hair, & the N Word

The started out as hum-drum as can be. The alarm sounded at 5am,
signaling an intense groan. "I can't call out...its impossible," I
thought.....really tempted to just say fuck it and do it.
Got stuck with 2 rookies at work. And one of the more seasoned people
called out and I wanted to kill her with my bare hands, but I knew it
was inevitable.
Busy busy busy bee.
Met GiGi and LaPrincesa for pedicures and decided to get my nails done.
These are supposed to be indulgences....a time to relax, let my hair
down, and enuoy being pampered. Only, the pregnant lady doing my nails
was taking forever to file and buff...to the point where...had she not
been preggo, I would've choked her or hit her upside the head with the
damn buffer. SHITE! (Yes, shite...in my new attempt to use less cuss
words...shite)

And so, with much calming down from GG and LP...I "enjoyed" it...rather
grit my teeth and agonized quietly.

My toes are beautiful Essie color Watermelon.

Moving on, we went to the neighborhood greasy spoon for Spanish food.
I planned not to eat anything but couldn't resist rotisserie chicken
with yellow rice and and beans. I ate entirely too much...leaving my
stomach hurting.

I was in a pretty good mood...that is until I had to take the ride home.
Being that I was o8n 103 and Lex. The only way home was via the 6. Which
I transferred to the 4..which wasn't going into Brooklyn...so...I got on
the B at Bleecker. There was this beautiful woman on the train witha
beautiful deep purple hair. It was cut into mohawk. She was soo tired
that she kept falling the sleep. It was like watching aw cat...she'd try
to read and then she'd doze off...then as she was looking at her
phone...she'd doze. I kept staring at her picturing which haircut I'd
give her.
We both finally got off the train. Hopefully, she settled on sleep and I
settled on vamping her up with jet black, stick straight, parted down
the middle and layered around her face.
Then I missed the bus as I was walking down the street. Part of me
wanted to run for it...but something stopped me. I looked down at my
pretty watermelon toes in my thong sandals and the downward slope of the
hill, knowing the imminent tumble. So...I was there at 8:45. The next
bus was scheduled to leave at 9:11. So I waited and waited and waited
some more. The bus didn't come until 9:41.
OMGSONNAVABITCHANDAMUFUCKINGSHIT.
So much for curbing my cussing.
To add insult to injury....this group of obnoxious boys were using the n
word a little too freely. Enough to make me cringe everytime they used
it....I was in permanent cringe mode.
Add the nauseous feeling I was experiencing (ala irresistible rotisserie
chicken beans and rice) and the air conditioning on an already brisk
nite and I wasin MTA hell....shit!

I had the hugest sigh of relief!
By the time I got home...my toes were freezing and I just wanted
sleep.

The universe knows how to stick it to you (wished it would use
lubricant) sheesh!

Octavia E. Butler, Diva Extraordinaire

I looooove Octavia Butler. Until her death, she was the only black female science fiction writer. She writes as though she is inside of the story - if that make sense to you. Like..she's in this alternate universe and she's telling you about her people. She writes with attention to detail. It seems like she's like me - she's people-watched and she gets the little things right.

Go to http://www.blackamericaweb.com/site.aspx/bawnews/butler228 to read her bio.

Anywho..I've decided to read everything she's written. A total of 17 books (minus her articles in science fiction books)

Here Goes a list of all of her work (just in case you want to join me in my quest: (all in order of date of publication earliest to latest)

1. Parable of the Talents
2. Journeys
3. Patternmaster
4. Mind of my mind
5. Survivor
6. Kindred
7. WildSeed
8. Clay's Ark
9. Dawn
10. Imago
11. Adulthood Rites
12. Parable of the Sower
13. Bloodchild (short stories all by OEB)
14. Parable of the Talents
15. Lilith's Brood
16. Fledgling
17. Seed to Harvesta

Asian girl's revenge

That Asian Girl that I pissed off on Friday nite sent her cosmic Asian
homegirl after me!

I bought a bed off of craigslist. A beautiful barely used bed for $35.
Yes...$35. A steal!!!! Wouldn't common sense say that ummm....I'm a
chick and when I said I found a car to move it from ur place to
mine...to have it ready?! No...
I called to say I was on my way.
I called to say I was downstairs.
And yet..I still had to wait for her to clear it off and carry it
downstairs...which! She had to do in heels.
Ba!
I realize I don't like people who are unprepared. You have to have some
type of charisma about you.
Don't do things so cut and dry...evne though I am very blunt. I know how
to clean it up and set it up so that it doesn't cut you off at the
ankles.
So...in the middle of loading everything into my hired van (omg! This is
costing me $$!) she's like...you didn't pay me. So...I say here! And
hand her the money, now lets carry the boxspring. Did she think I was
going to drive off and not pay her?
Wha?

That pissed me off a lot. But...I guess that was the price I had to pay
for a $35 bed (mattress, boxspring, frame w/wheels and all)

Hell if that wasn't an awesome trade-off.
I had the best sleep I've had since I moved into my place.

PS. Your invitation to frozen cosmos has been revoked.