Wine and Dine You Girl!

So, many people have tried to holla via Facebook (and Myspace) with little to no results.

Sorry, I'm no cyber slut. (Lol)

If there's one thing I know..its that people can be anything or anyone they want to be hidden behind a nice picture of "them" and witty status messages.

So anyway...
This guy...let's call him TD. He works for a well-known black publication. He friend requests me on FB. Cool beans. I think business connect. A while after, I hit him up on FB chat. We talk about nothing. He asks for my number and asks me out for drinks. I comply. I swear. I'm thinking business. He calls me mad late (11pm) and I ask him if we can talk another day. He apologizes for calling so late.

I text(ed) him for his 45th bday (yup, 45!)

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Last night, he text msgs me...
"What are you doing tonight?" (It was around 8)
I say:
"Same thing I do every night, Pinky"
(That's funny, right?)

*crickets*

I said:
"Its okay if you don't find my jokes funny."

He asked me again. I said,
"I'm home. It's freezing out"
(It really really was)

He wanted to take me out for drinks.

It was 10pm when he called. I'd just settled in for a nap. I needed to get up at midnight to have a friend fix my computer. I picked up when he called.

He said he was trying to see me for a drink before the year ended.

I said I didn't think I'd be available. I asked him about next week. He said..."Oh, I don't know. After I go in for a meeting on Monday, I could be anywhere after that..Detroit, Miami, LA...I have no idea what my 3 assistants have in store for me."

I said, "Well, if you want some company in Miami...I'm there!"

(Totally facetious)

He said "If you can make it to Miami, everything else is on me."

(Wait, what?)
Wait, what?

He repeated himself.

(ShamWow!)

I laughed. I couldn't help it. He may have thought that I was pleased but I was actually laughing at the fact that he needed to say he has 3 assistants...and he offered me to go to Miami and have him pay for food, lodging and whatever else.

I asked him what he was doing for NYE.

He said, he'd probably be on his friend's boat partying or party hopping.

(Lightbulb: he either has grown kids/no kids and no wife...what?)

I detected an accent.
He said he was born in London, grew up in Germany and moved to NY 20 yrs ago (ya know...when he was my age...lol. Let me stop)

So, I was amused by the conversation and am not really sure of his intentions...and then I read www.heartlessdoll.com this morning and they did a top 10 list of men that are attracted to young single independent women. (I'm blogging from my berry and can't link)

One of the guys was the older guy who sees young independent women as fun. She said most of these guys are either divorced (see Dame) or never married (see the other guy, not sure of the moniker I gave him. I dated him around the spring time last year) and never want to get married, so they have fun (read:sex) with young women without the threat of wanting to settle down.

I was entertained and then I thought. Oh shit. Is that what he thinks of me?

Well, he's abt to get a wake up call! Lol

I'm not one to generalize. I hate those girls who are like...my ex was Jamaican and he did me wrong, so I don't date Jamaicans anymore.

My experience with older men are a mixed bag. Some wanted Nina, the sex goddess (oh yea, you know you want it baby!) Some wanted Nina, the Stepford Wife (is there anything else I can get you, dear?)Some wanted Nina to act her age (I already had a father) but none knew Nina at all.

I'm trying not to judge this dude bc he could be sincere and misunderstood. I'm intrigued by his (big cahones) heritage. We'll see what comes of it. If its anything like the past few guys...nothing.

Let's give 'em something to blog about, right?
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Updates!

Soooooo....
I got a job.

A temp job working at a health insurance company filing for 35 hrs a week until the end of March. I'm not complaining, just grumbling under my breath because I kind of had to take it but of course, didn't want to. February is a huge month for me and I need to devote my time to my business.
So, now, I work on my business on my hour lunch break and at home from 6-12. Wake up at 6:30am and go to work. Back to my sleep-deprived life.

I started last Monday and had Thursday and Friday of because of the holiday.

I visited my mom's family in South Carolina. Me and her family don't have the best of relationships and I was dreading seeing them.

But...it was actually fun. The last time they saw me, I was 13. It was my first Christmas after my dad died. It was a horrible time for me. I just wanted to be alone. My mom's family is huge. You couldn't even get peace and quiet during your shower.

Anyway, this time was different. I had no internet and spotty phone service for 4days. The bags under my eyes disappeared for a beat. Christmas was spent making pancakes with my brother. Jewells, a twitter friend, came to see me. She drove 3 hrs in the rain! To repay her, I made her flip the pancakes. :)

My brother Jr. went all gaga over her. It was hilarious. She is beautiful though. He was so embarrassing.

We opened gifts and went to my aunt's house that night. There was a bonfire, lots of food and later that night, there was fireworks.

My other brother came over with 7 of his 8 kids. Ummm, yea. They are all so beautiful and different. I told my mom he's making up for me and Jr.

It was great until on the way back, the ride was 17 hrs!!! Oh my! The last 5 hrs were the worst! Usually, it takes an hour to drive from the NJ Turnpike to my house. We get off at exit 13 and get on the Verazzano Bridge. Zip zip. We waited to get on to the exit for an hour before we realized that we were WAITING to even turn on to it!

We decided to take an alternate route. We decided to take exit 13A which let us off by Newark Airport. We drove through to try and get to the Holland Tunnel, missed the weird turn and had to turn around to get back on it. We waited in traffic and hour and a half to go 1 mile!

Horrible.

Mind you, I had to use the bathroom from the time we were on the turnpike.

I thought to myself, "Oh my God. Today is the day I will pee on myself."

It took a lot of prayer, begging and pleading with God to get us home without that happening.

Anyways...ya'll bear with me. Taking the job was a mistake. One from which I'm not sure how I will recover.
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and release

it's not all doom and gloom. i swear. things are just difficult but God remains faithful to me. this i know. one day i will look at this and smile.

Oh Dear God

Is what she said when I finished her makeup and my heart dropped. No one had ever reacted that way to my work. She had good reason. I was given 5 minutes to make magic happen. Literally. Although that's technically my job and I technically shouldve been able to come through, I didn't. I didn't want to push myself. I shouldn't have shown up. That's not what I do. I'm reliable. The makeup didn't look bad, in all actuality. Once the glue dried on her lashes, it wouldve been clear. All would be well. For that moment, she saw what was there and it wasn't that great. She ran. Her performance was coming up. She was stifling tears.

I was stifling my own. Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

I gathered my things and left.
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Jedi Mind Tricks: Powers of Deflection

Oddly, as much as I'm into Star Trek, I'm not into Star Wars....hmmmm....think I lost some nerd points a little bit.

Funniest thing happened tonight.
(And YW is going to kill me bc while this was happening, we were gchatting but I didn't tell her...sorry)

I was on the phone with a friend...(and gchatting with YW, lol) and the conversation was weird. Ever speak to someone who never admit their faults finally admit their faults and you're like wha??? Who the HELL are YOU and what have you done with so and so? Yea, that was me.

Anyway, imagine my surprise when Martian patches in on the other line.

(Of course, I clicked over)

Me: Hello (*im not being sexy, I just happen to sound sexy, sexy voice*)
Him: Hey Nina, what's up?
Me: (*still confused*) Nothing. How are you?
Him: I'm good. Listen, I'm about to be in your area. I was wondering if I could come through.
Me: (*mind racing*) (*checks time*) (*it's 10:30) (*looks at mirror*) (*looks at apartment*) (*all in 30 seconds*) Now? Actually, can I call you back in 20 mins. (I needed to finish relishing in this epiphany my friend was having)
Him: You know, you're right. I called you for the wrong reasons. You're a good friend. You don't deserve this.
Me: Hunh? (*hunh?*)
Him: Yea, I'm sorry.
Me: Ummm, ok. Can I still call you back? (what the eff)
Him: Yea

I clicked over and my friend had to call me back. I waited 20 mins and I really didn't want to call him back. What do you say? By then, the blonde moment had passed. He was trying to get the nookie. Ohhhhhhhhhhh. What's funny is...had this been a year ago, I would've been turning on the shower before he hung up. Let's go!

I called him back and it went straight to voice mail. 15mins later, he text(ed) me saying he was at his aunt's. He'd call me in a few.(*does not hold breath*)

What do you guys (*honestly*) think was the change of heart? I like to think my Jedi mind trick of deflecting (errr---penis?) kicked in.

Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night, eh?

(Btw, computer caught a virus which meant I had to restore my computer to factory settings, losing a bunch of important docs + I totally destroyed a site I built up over the past 2 weeks, thus the massive headache (boo!) but I spoke to my niece today and I'm going to meet her soon (yay!) and I interview a possible intern tomorrow (yay!))
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Celibate Girl at the Erotica Event

Tonight, Wynsters invited me to a comedic erotica fiction event. It was pretty great. (Went after a networking event I was at)

It was funny, insightful, shocking...etc.

For a slight moment, I was worried. I've been celibate since Jan 19th. Would listening to people talk about amazing sexcapades drive me off the wagon ready to hump the next sexy chocolate man that breezes my way?

Actually, I felt like such a Jesus freak. It solidified in my mind that I want to get married and lose myself in that person and do whatever it is my husband wants to do (short of other people and animals in the bedroom.) Let me tell you...I'm making up for the sexual frustration I feel in my eyelids, okay!

This lady talked of having an orgasm so deep she felt it in her heart, lungs, kidneys. I was like...dayum! I want that! She also said that she felt that people use sex bc they're searching for something spiritually. Interesting. This woman, Kenya Stephens (sp?) who has an open marriage thinks that...

Anyway, yes...on January 19th, which is a Tuesday, btw...I'm going out for drinks..

I thought, even if I have sex, I'll be having and giving a good time but I could not get naked like how I would with my husband. I'm not playing house anymore. With Afroman, I cooked, cleaned and put out. And for what? A man that would NOT marry me...not even if he knocked me up. Not after 6 years of whatever we were doing...chasing each other, I guess....

So, yea, in short...put a ring on it and I'll show you a good time, lol

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Straight Shooter

A friend said something to me in an a difference of opinions..(I don't argue) about how I'm a hypocrite because I said I wasn't going out but a few times a month and I wanted to go to First Saturdays this month about 2 weeks after I said that....and that I only say things to convince myself and that I'm the only one that believed it.

I didn't say it to him but that really hurt me.

I think if you get nothing else from this blog, you get that I'm figuring it all the eff out.

If I say, I'm going to be celibate for a year...and the next month I have sex, you know that I wasn't just saying it. I meant it and I struggled with keeping true to my word.

As a writer, words have always been powerful to me. Words can give and take life.

I spoke to a wonderful woman today, who at 28 is about to take her company on tour to 28 cities national and internationally. Amazing things. I asked her about friends, about wanting to settle down and have a family.

She told me that she had no intentions on even having a pet until she was at least close to 40. Her focus was inspiring. I told her about friends who don't understand my work ethic. I go to bed late, up early...don't want to hang out for the eff of it unless its going to be worth my while. I don't want to take extraneous trips and time off because I don't think I deserve it. I haven't worked hard enough for it.

She said if any friend tries to discourage me, that's it. cut them off.

Well, she didn't say that in so many words but that was the implied meaning.

Talking to Wynsters tonight, she said her friends are like her chosen family. Mine are too. I would hope it wouldn't come down to that but...you never know. It's bad enough I have my own thoughts and fears, I need all the positive reinforcement I can get it.

I guess, I don't know. I've been pushing manyt things out of my life. I no longer compete in pageants. I no longer talk to many of pageant friends. I haven't completely pushed every aspect of it out of my life but I'm trying to phase it out. It's a stronghold. I need to be focused and goal-oriented and driven but I don't want to drive out all the fun of my life or drive good people away from me. I don't want to wake up rich like Oprah and not have any friends. I mean, even Oprah has Gayle and Steadman, right? (I'm rambling...sleep-deprivation) I know that BFF gets on my neeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrves. I wanna slap her down to the ground sometimes but I can't forsee a day where she can't call on me and I on her. Just not possible. Our principle used to tell us in high school we were each other's 0nly friend. hmmmmmm.....

My Word!

Hello friends!

Yesterday, I met with a publicist that wants to represent me. An hour and a half later + 4 pages of things I need to do and I've got my work cut out for me. I love it, though. Some days I feel lost..I know there are things I have to do but I just don't know where to start.

I need to hire a lawyer and an intern.

I'm actually really excited to hire an intern! I need the free help! You really can't rely on friends...nope. Hopefully, its someone cool.

This weekend was interesting. Friday was sooooo cold! Omg! I just stayed in the house, watched Star Trek and fell asleep.

Saturday, another frigid day. I had to do a photo shoot and I was SO NOT PRESSED! I was upset with myself. I didn't give it 100%. I was so lethargic. My joints were achy. Drama! We'll see how it all came out...*sigh* I'll feel bad if it sucks. Everyone's entitled to an off day, I guess...I was OFF.

Gi's bf's party was that night. My throat was sore and I was so tired. I canceled on her. Chick had no heat or hot water in her apartment but made it to the party! Power of the D! Lol...

Sunday, went to church and heard a message that set my behind straight. It was about vision. How Samson had talent but no vision, so he wasted his time and connected with the wrong people and lost his annointment. I don't want that to be me.

Sunday evening, went to Twin's house...he made my New Year's Eve skirt...idk, I'm not liking it all the way....hmmmm....he made food and we kind of laid in the bed together. It was nice until he elbowed me in the face by accident which prompted me to pinch him really hard. He hit me in the throat and I kicked him. Its so easy to forget that Twin is 6"1, easily 300+ pounds and can fling me where ever...I quickly remembered. His weakness is tickling...I got him good. He was whining like a lil girl..muhahahahahaha.

I needed to be silly and laugh. It was great.
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no man is an island but i often feel alone.

and when i need peace....................................................i blog?
(please read my previous post)

i feel sad today. it is a sadness that just hit me actually. its not easy being green or having green blood as vulcans do.

i feel as though sadness is a distraction from the bigger picture which is my goals in life. so, i'm trying to shake it off.

moving on...
i had my 2nd phone conversation with hs. i don't know how to read him or how i feel about him. i'm not sure if the chemistry is there. he has some fascinating things to him. he's a doctor. he studied medicine in poland. he's african. he speaks yoruba. he's 29 and lives at home with his parents which he'll probably do until he finishes his residency.

i just keep thinking...is it me or do i not know how to date? has being celibate made me hyper-sensitive to things and do i need to chill the hell out?

in both conversations, his way of "teasing" me is by saying he's going to spank me. i asked him if he meant that in a sexual manner and he said no. tonight, we spoke about gay people. he asked me if i were bi. i said no. he said....if you were i'd give you some good 'd' and turn you out.

i guess i kind of walked into that one.

in our first conversation, i mentioned i give facials. ever since then, he's like when can i get one? i said you have to earn it. tonight, he's like, "so can I come over and get a facial?" i said, "yes, when you earn it." he said, "i guess i won't be getting one." he said he was playing but i'm just like hmmmmmmm....i'm trying not to read too too much into it.

i asked him what was he looking for as far as relationships.

he said, "a good sista so he can settle down."

good answer, yes...but i'm not buying it.

something doesn't jive well. maybe it's because i view him as someone to pass the time with...but i don't want him to view me that way..i know, not fair..arrgh.

i am just so sad right now...going to bed. hopefully, i will feel differently in the morning.

choices choices choices....

there are many decisions in our lives that we have to live with. i'm trying to wrap my head around certain things that are going on right now...i have no idea...*sigh*

i was supposed to go to an event last night that i decided not to go to..turns out i go to ybf and the event is posted there.

how do i reconcile that in myself? i made a bad decision.

my editor's mother had the hook-up for a movie spike lee is cosigning on..its an indie film and doesn't have a huge budget. it would've been $1,000 for 18 days of work. she decided to not call me about it. a friend went to the meeting. the woman chose to use another make-up artist. this is after she said she knows that i need the money and it would be great to have a spike lee movie under my belt. she decided go with someone else.

how do i come to grips with that? this black woman who says to be down for black women coming up...decided to choose someone else over me...(read between the lines)

there's so much more going on right now. i just don't understand. i don't understand. i don't understand.....how do you deal with the choices you don't understand? the choices of yours and others? maybe its not meant for me too...i can't cry about it. i just....don't know.there are other things..more hurtful things going on...i would talk about them here but i choose not to.

i feel like spock. (i'm turning into a star trek-head)...i feel like a lady vulcan. people think i have it under control. nothing bothers me because i don't scream and yell and tear my clothes off about it. but things affect me deeply. ever have one of those days where you are like...MY LIFE IS IN SHAMBLES!

Thankful for the Basics

I just did an event for GEMS organization. They basically take girls who were used as sex slaves and mentor them, re-connect them with their families and teach them there are other alternatives to what they were forced into....I was promoting my products and giving hand massages. These girls were all sooooo young....like under 21, some under 18 and this one girl was so sweet. She was pregnant. She had the lightest eyes. She looked like a little angel. She cuts herself. It was breaking my heart.

Another girl talked about her mom smoking weed in front of her, wanting to party with her...saying how she's gay and doesn't want boys looking at her....was like...wow.

I'm so happy to be apart of a network of women who empower each other and I can be apart of something as powerful as that.

It made me think of my childhood. It sucked but I wasn't forced to have sex with strangers. My parents were so over-protective, all the bad stuff that happened to me...I got myself into it. For this, I'm thankful.
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Take A Stand

(Another long one)

God is amazing.

I went to church this morning at 9am. I came home and ate. Read postsecret and started balling at one of the secrets the girl in the video shared.

She said: "I act like an idiot because there's a void in my life."

I totally feel that way. I cried..."Lord, what am I missing? I have you, a business, friends? Is it because of a man? What is it?

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Today was communion service at 5pm. I filmed me doing makeup. As I got dressed, my shoe which had a small tear in it, open up all the way. Mind you, its my first time wearing the shoe today.
I had to change shoes which means I had to change shirts. I was cutting it close and missed the 4:30 bus. 2 buses passed me by.

All this week, I felt so distracted, completely unmotivated. I felt like there was a destructive force that was making me deter from this path. I was contemplating breaking my celibacy. I've been so pressed to call someone...do something... And then I felt like that same force was trying to keep me from communion. It kept telling me to go home...I'm going to be late. I get there and I remembered that scripture that says if you have an alt with your brother, you can't take communion. All this was telling me to leave. I decided to stay.

The message was amazing.
My pastor began prophesying to people in the congregation.
I found myself face to the floor sobbing hysterically begging for God to speak to me.

I'm so private and so cool about things...everyone sat down and I was still on the floor. I felt my face go hot but I couldn't control myself.

My pastor spoke my name and spoke some things into my life. It was amazing. I still can't believe it.
My make-up was so pretty...all ruined. My lashes had to come off. I was a mess.

I immediately knew that my life would not be the same again and I knew there would be naysayers.

I tweeted:
"I asked God to speak to me. He did. My life will not be the same. Pls don't RT or @ me."

The first person and only person to say something was Afroman.

"If you didn't want anyone to respond, why tweet it?"

I just wanted to get it out.

"I suggest you unfollow me."

Afroman is a stark atheist. When we were together, he was "spiritual." He believed in God but he didn't want to call it God. Ever since then...he went further down and down....

We've had plenty of debates and he just refuses to hear. I didn't have any energy to refute or debate. I figured it was just time to let him go.

I thought of why I was holding on. The fact that he's having a child with the person he's having a child with is like a stab in my heart every time I think about it. I finally get it. Even if we were together, he wouldn't give me what I want ultimately...which is a ring.

Its the same with other men in my life. I'm chasing the wrong things.

I talked to Brother Wise for a long time today. I let him go in a way, too. He can't give me what I want either. He's chosen to close his heart to anyone. He said the best of him was lost after we messed around. He said he was only pieces of the good man he once was. Women have stomped on his heart. I told him to have faith still.

He doesn't.
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frustration.

tonight was a very frustrating day. it didn't have to be what it was.
an acquaintance died. he was only 28. we had our ups and downs. when he died, we were up and although i'm anti-funerals, i wanted to say goodbye.
j was late in picking me up...as usual. we missed the funeral. however, we didn't know until we picked up k. we called k when we were 40 blocks away to tell her to come downstairs, yet we still waited 10 minutes for her to come down. wtf?

i got frustrated because #1. we missed dude's funeral. #2. wtf? why do people play with time the way they do? i'm a prompt person. if i'm running late, i let you know ahead of time because let's face it..we know when we're cutting it close. my philosophy is i'd rather wait on you than have you wait on me. i've learned this lesson along the way....you can't expect people to live their lives the way you live yours. fine. so, instead of moving along with our day, we sat in the car and talked for an hour and a half. i don't particularly care for k. she's the opposite of my personality...which is fine, i'd just rather not be around her but she's close to j. if we weren't going to go to the funeral..there were other things i could do with my day than sit in a car in the rain and talk when you guys could converse over the phone.

fine.

i got home. texted bff if she was still going out. she said yes. her and her 2 friends were coming too. great. i wanted to film me doing bff's make-up for my other blog. this week didn't work out for various reasons...i'm not a fan of doing make-up and sitting in the house anymore. it has to have a purpose. when i first started out, we would do that because i wasn't really sure of what i was doing but i know now.plus, as a working artist, the make-up i'm using "for fun" is a waste of my resources.

at 5:30, she calls me.

"have you seen the winter wonderland outside?"

i say no...and look outside. it looks like it was raining. it was actually snow but it wasn't sticking and apparently it was cold.

me: "so what are you saying? you don't want to go anymore?"
bff: "no, that's not what i'm saying. come over and we'll talk about it.."
me: "listen, don't have me come to your house and you don't want to go out because if i'm going to stay home tonight, i might as well stay at my house, ok? now, do you want to go out yes or no?"
bff: "just come over."
me: "ok"

so, i get there.

bff: "hey wilderness"
me: "wilderness?"
bff: "that's your nickname for the night. you want to go out in that mess."
me: "i don't like that name..."

for the record, it wasn't even that bad outside.

i get upstairs. she's stalling...talking to her parents. i see toni in her room. i'm like...does she want to go out, yes or no? toni is like "you're going to have to convince her." i said, "i ain't convincing shit. i told her not to make me come out here if we weren't going out."toni looked scared. she's never seen me pissed. to make matters worse, i couldn't find my debit card. "she knew when she talked to me a half hr ago she didn't want to go out right?" "pretty much..."
wtf???

i start to put on my coat.

toni is like...hear her out.

(bff was in another room.)

she calls out to me.

bff:"we still going out tonight?"
me: "you tell me."
bff:no, you tell me."
me: "yes."
bff:"how do you justify going out?"
me:"well, its fun and we don't have to be in the house on yet another saturday night. its free to get in."
bff:"no, we'll have to pay for transportation."
me:"okay what? $10-$15 split 3 ways?"
bff:""2 ways, toni isn't working."
me: "so, what are you saying? didn't i specifically ask you if you wanted to go out before i got here? i told you not to have me come here if you didn't want to go out. why did you have me come here if i told you not to do that?"
bff: "well, i know you wanted to film the make-up so i thought we could do that worse case scenario and then i could take you home."
me: "that's not what i asked. i'm going home now. i'm taking the bus home."
bff: "like i said, i will take you home."
me: "like i said, i'm taking the bus."

i packed my stuff and was like..lock the door. i was so pissed off. i was hot! hot! hot!
i felt like #1. bff was trying to manipulate the situation. if i specifically asked if you to not tell me to come over if we weren't sticking to the original go out plan then why would you do just that? and then try to flip it. my thing is - is that i always have to pry her out of the house with the jaws of life. the girl is 24 years old and all she does is clean and hang out with her parents...oh and mess with men who have girlfriends. wtf? we just talked the day before about her wanting and needing a social life and then bam. #2. WHAT ABOUT ME? if she had told me when i asked her, i would've asked someone else to go out with me which i did. how selfish is it to assume if she didn't want to go out, i would just stay home with her if that's not what i wanted to do? but also...does bff know my emotional state right now? i'm also pissed because the people who read my blog have supported my business. twin has supported me. my oldest friend has never even read my blog. she's never seen a youtube. she's never seen my website. if you asked her how much my scrubs are...but last week, she asked for a friendship discount..are you effing serious? i never ask anything of anyone around me. no man is an island but i often feel alone - for real. i guess its evident, it was more than about tonight. just frustration around a lot of things. but going out was a big thing. because...every time i ask her to go out..i hear 10 excuses, "oh i have chores, oh i don't have anything to wear, oh i don't feel like it." come on!

i called j to vent. he ended up telling me his problems. *sigh*

anyway, i went out with a client. kiki. the plan was to go to first saturdays and then to the vault in the city and meet up with wynsters. kiki is nice. she means well but man! she talks soooooo much. that was frustrating me even more. like, shut the eff up...let's just dance to the music. no, she wants to have a conversation. we found tj, this dude bff used to mess with. and he's a big house fanatic. he taught us some moves. he broke up the tension between me and kiki. then, my phone has been on the fritz lately. i had no service and was stressing about wynsters. i didn't want her to be waiting for me. also, i've been seeing this same dude ever since i've been going to first saturdays. we speak. this time, we spoke but it was like...he wasn't trying to holler.

i felt so rejected. it just added to the situation.
i decided to dance it out. ran into a friend who offered me some extra cash in may. cool. she spilled red wine on my white shirt. arrgh.

i decided to dance it out.

you ever feel like things are just piling on and on and on and you just want to scream but you cant. i danced my lil heart all spastic. how the heck do you dance to house music anyway? lol

after it was over, i was looking for dude. i mean really, let's seal the effing deal. kiki kept talking..oh em gee. she said she could tell i was disappointed about something and i didn't feel like talking...but...she.kept.talking.

no worries.

hey sexy guy walked by and waved. i waved back.

that's it? whhhhhhhhhatt the fuck, man?

5 minutes passed. he came back and spoke. i'll call him hs (short for hey sexy, lol, for now) he's 29. he's a doctor. he wants to be a cardiologist. good stuff. he asked me about school and stuff. i told him i have my own business. i asked him for his number. he gave it to me. i asked him if he was going to pick up when i call. he was like, of course. he said he'll be in the library tomorrow.

damn...29 and still in the library studying...damn homie! lol...we'll see if he pulls a hoodini or if he's a cool dude.

all in all, i had fun..sorta. i got the guy...sorta. i just need a break. in life there are no breaks.
that's why i blog. thanks for reading...i know this is hella long.

end note:
i'm so sick of pushing people and pushing people and trying to gnash my teeth and trying to pull something out of them. i try and pull the best of my friends out of them and encourage them to be great. i can't give up and i don't want to give up. i feel like if i don't encourage myself and if i didn't have twin, yw, trish, or wynsters in my life to encourage me...my friends would let me sit on the side of the road and not accomplish anything.

what's that saying?

thankful for you guys. :)

How I Feel Right this Second.

I'm the only person in the world that doesn't manipulate you. I'm the only person in the world that doesn't take advantage to you. I'm the only person in the world that doesn't judge you. I listen to you without bias. I listen to you as you analyze every part of your life. I'm there for you no matter what. I'm there. All the time. Not one time have you needed me...really needed me and I haven't been there front and center, on time every time. But you're inconvenienced now and you didn't feel like it. And so, fine. That's fine. I'm so sick of people and their defeatist attitude. I'm sick of people not listening to me. If you will listen I will talk to you. For years, I've felt as though you were just waiting to say what you wanted to say...to say how you feel never mind paying attention to how I feel. And that is fine. Because one day, I'll stop talking and we'll all be in trouble.
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Changes

Today is the first day of a brand new way of life. Yes, my schedule is crazy and always changing but I'm determined to make this new meal plan thingie work.

Breakfast today:
1st I had a 1/2 cup of water to make sure I wasn't thirsty, thus causing myself to down a whole bunch of juice when my body needs water.

1/2 bagel with creamcheese (was supposed to be the full bagel but I burned the other half by accident...)
1 cup chunky pineapples
1 cup orange juice.

and I'm full.

I was supposed to wake up at 8, I woke up at 10:30. My body is tired. That threw off my whole scheduled eating time. So breakfast was at 11. Snack will be at 1. Lunch will be at 3. Snack at 5. Dinner will be off because I'm going out....so I'm trying to work on that...idk. Maybe dinner at 5. ahhhhhhh...idk.

But, in case you care.

Snack - Peanut Butter and Jelly, Banana, 1 cup juice
Lunch - I'm thinking tacos...home-made of course. (The money I spent on groceries will cut out spending money on food outside of the house) or a soup, 1/2 sandwich, juice combo.
Snack - Popcorn and fruit.
Dinner - BBQ Chicken

(IF I plan on going to bed at 1, like I usually do..I plan another snack of 1 cup of popcorn and an apple or something)

Notice the trend, every snack has some type of fruit. Every meal (except breakfast) is supposed to have a salad but the ghetto grocery store I go to, their lettuce looked horrible and I'm not paying Dole $4 for a pre-made salad when I'm so darn picky about what they put in it....

So....I guess that's my food diary. This blog will not turn into a diet/food/weightloss blog. I just need to talk to someone about this.

Thanks for listening. =D

thoughts thoughts thoughts...

So, YW's post changed my whole train of thought just now...lol. And now I'm thinking....about sex.

When I think of sex, I think of the good stuff...really. The lust between Aussie and I was palpable.So much so, that it ruined us....but the sex was phenomenal! (lol)

Sex with Blair changed my life. It was the first time that I was exhausted from having sex and I could just fall asleep. It made me realize that the marathon sessions I had with Dame and Afroman was not because I was a nympho...it was because I wasn't satisfied. I loved Afroman with everything in me and I still love him a lot so I would hate for him to read that (he's always been aware of my blog...the only man I've dated to know of it) but yea... If I could merge the love I had Afroman with the animal intensity of Blair and the freakiness of Dame and Aussie...I would be pregnant. but happy. lol

I'm still very much celibate although Blair randomly calls me.It's so funny. Its like he can sense when I'm ready to pounce on something. He calls at the perfect time but I either say no or ignore the phone call because frankly, he's selfish.

When I'm ready to break this celibacy...I'm BREAKING IT with a big ole bang. (literally and hopefully...hehe)

I'm holding out for something real. That means a lover that's going to be well-endowed, knows how to steer the ship and will spend some quality time making sure that I am thoroughly pleased.

***UPDATED***
I re-read some of my old posts with Blair and Aussie. I see why those of you who read my blog love it...so real. I remember those feelings. I don't think I could ever water down how I feel. You guys don't deserve that.

This is a Post About Control

Yea, I know I used this title before but...consider this a part deux. Deal? Deal.

I was riding on the train today from a job interview feeling so conflicted. Where am I going? What am I doing? Yadda yadda psycho-analytical mumbo jumbo. Then it hit me.

I need to take more control over my life.

Yes, I'm doing what I want but am I working hard enough? Yes. Am I working smart? No. I don't feel at harmony with my life and if I don't change, I will have carved out a life where I hate myself.

I see the signs that I might be slipping into a depression again. My space is cluttered. I can't finish even the smallest meals but there's always room for ice cream and kit kat bars which I have been OD'ing on lately, btw. I have to coax myself into the shower every morning. It's starting to get rough. With depression, it is a slippery slope, friends....if you don't catch yourself, you'll find that you have been in bed for days and have wasted so much time.

I know I haven't really dealt with why I get depressed on this blog nor have I discussed it with anyone but myself. Even my closest of friends have no idea I have issues with it, moreover, how bad its gotten in the past. Depression is the silent killer. Like carbon monoxide for real.

Don't ask me to talk about it. It's like talking about how much money you make. Yes, people want to know but no one wants to bring it up, lol.

Anywhosies....
I'm on a food journey ya'll.

I'm on a journey period.

My relationships with food were never great. I was always a bigger kid although I was always active. I've always rollerbladed, rode my bikes up and down the block. I was into dance as a child. As a teenager, I was still into dance, I played soccer and ran track. My body is naturally a size 12 at its smallest. Right now, I'm a size 20. *insert gasp*

I remember being like 8 when my aunts said I would be so much prettier if I were thinner. My mom would reassure everyone by saying it was just baby fat. Of course, everyone always blamed my weight on food even though I hardly ate. I'm very very picky. I remember 1 thanksgiving...the only thing I would eat at my family dinner was mac n cheese. My mom reminded me of that this year. My family would force me to eat other things because well...idk.

When my family drama spiked around when I was 10-11. I remember sneaking into the kitchen and taking the tub of koolaid and eating it with a wet spoon. I remember eating cake frosting...anything sugary.

I had a crush on my brother's best friend. He would ridicule me by asking me how many cheeseburgers I ate a day.

Thank God, I can't throw up (side note: I believe that I can't throw up. I can gag but nothing comes up. It's been like that since I can remember) or else I'm sure I would've been bullimic or something. I do remember trying (and failing) at being anorexic. I would binge eat and then starve myself. Being apart of a black family...especially because my mom's southern hospitality kicks in when it wants to- you have to eat..they practically shove food down your throat...it kind of kills trying to starve yourself in this type of environment.

When I was 16, I decided to be vegetarian. I would like to say my eating habits got better but I'd be lying. When I was 17, I went off to college (I skipped a grade) and veggie options were primarily soup. That's when I discovered caffeine. Coca-Cola sponsored my campus so there were literally fountain sodas everywhere and it was only $1 for the jumbo cup. My roommate and I (before she turned into a psycho-racist...another post) would fight (her) hangovers by eating pancakes and icecream ( my fave was 1 scoop coffee, 1 scoop strawberry with waffle cone and caramel in it...*bliss*) every Sunday morning (for the first semester before psycho-racism came up). So, yea...you can see where the problem just festered.

Lately, I will go for hours not eating. Its like my stomach doesn't hurt anymore. I only eat when I feel faint or light-headed...not good. I'm like a college kid all over again...drinking at least 2 bottles of Pepsi a day. I don't buy 2 Liters bc I don't want it in the house but then I jones for it and go to the store.

Soda is like liquid fat and I remember one year, the OBGYN told me if I cut out soda completely for 1 year, I could lose at least 20 pounds.

Before you guys fall asleep on me....(lol)
I've decided to take better control of my life including everything...my food, friends, happiness, job, business....

Food.
I realize...I have to learn how to eat. How often, the food groups, yadda ya...
It's crazy.
I learned, I eat too fast. Blame crappy jobs with only 30 mins to eat. 15 of those mins are spent getting food..then you have to shove it in your mouth as fast as you can...bad bad bad...I literally can eat a meal in 10 mins. This causes you to overeat bc you don't give your body time enough to register its full. I'm training myself to eat while watching CSI or something so that I can distract myself from goal-eating. The goal: finish it all.

I'm working on a budget (of course) and I'm planning my meals in advance. I'm also planning other things too...like Sunday is going to be my day to clean the house, make a weekly goals list, plan meals and watch Star Trek (cbs.com has it online - the first 3 seasons of the original series....yea, I know...I'm a nerd, whatver.) Its going to take some getting used to but I have to train myself on how to do these things. The worst thing I can do is pass on these unhealthy habits to my kids. Plus, how long can your body live off of Pepsi and sandwiches?

Man can't live off bread alone, right?
P.S. You guys are the only ones that know. Its my journey..I don't need people adding their 2 cents..and watching me.

Yes, my goal is to be at harmony with myself. Each part of my life needs to be developed and fulfilling. I'm deficient in almost all areas of my life. I need to fix it. I think this is an integral part of joy. Happiness is fleeting...joy comes from the inside. Wish me luck. I'll keep ya'll posted. Tomorrow is grocery day. Today is the first day of the rest of my life :)

artists

She talked to me as if I were an old friend.

I have that affect on people.

She and I: artists. Her spirit was calm. Like the tide before a big wave. Either she was living comfortably or she was faking. I could not tell.

His kindness was almost overwhelming as he offered me tea and took my coat. He listened to his native music and walked barefoot around the apartment. His non-threatening masculinity paired with his hospitality had thrown me. I wanted to talk with him as friends for he intrigued me.

I am not easily intrigued.

Yet, I was hired to do a job and it is frowned upon to speak to a man who is spoken for freely. At least, to me.

She talked of her life. She was in her period of harvest. She struggles for 3-6 months and then she lives off of the fruit of her labor.

"We are artists. I'm sure you would love to do what you do for free as would I but we can not live in the cycle of struggle."

She understands.

"Where is he from, your boyfriend?"

"Ivory Coast."

He was too thin for my liking anyhow. I wondered about his journey from there to the spacious studio with the woman he'd only been with for a few months. I wondered about how secure she felt with him, with them.

"We should go to Bembe," I suggested already knowing her answer, feeling the Afro-Cuban drums beat in my heart.

I felt as though our friendship had started already. She said she felt as though she'd known me.
She told me too much about herself, forgetting I am but a pretty stranger.

I have that affect on people.
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writing

I, too have seen the Sun shining in the eyes of the one who has loved me. Felt the rays of his touch and was sunburned by his kiss. It is Winter now and each portion of life has its season. Seasons of love, of trial, of barren and of harvest. I know this with all the fullness of my being, yes. I still wish for the Sun on my face, nevertheless.

I, too, have felt the chill of Winter on my spine. Felt the wind whipping at my face.

I seek the arms of the one who loves me best. Self-reliance.

Spring is approaching but Winter will come again.

I have no regrets for time was well spent toiling in the field. Ready for the harvest.
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army of me

i never though that creating this business would take this much prayer, this much discipline..this much strength, this much....of what i don't have.

i need $2,000. i have $6 til wednesday and i just got my lady friend and i need to buy toiletries.

$1100 is for a website that will be beautiful and functional and i need it. but do i need it?

i question every purchase...justified and not justified. did i need that gum i bought on saturday? how about that juice? i could've had water. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.

i am trying to build something so much bigger than myself. half the time i feel so alone. my friends, i feel, will either a) not know what to say or b) tell me to give up.either response is not the right one.

God is faithful.. my faith in Him is really what's keeping me from jumping off the building.

i.just.don't.know.

i'm asking God to open doors for me but i don't even know where to knock sometimes.i need a miracle.

i try to distract myself with men. i flirt with them. sometimes they flirt back. most often the ones i want don't want me. sometimes, the ones i kinda do get away because i didn't pursue them. sometimes they rub themselves while staring at me on nyc buses (that happened on sunday...i cant even go into it.) the bottom line is. i have no distractions. its not meant for me to...i guess....but i still want it. i officially hit 10 months no sex on nov 19th. it feels longer. i feel like if i open my legs wide, my hip bones will crack and i'll walk funny. how am i going to explain that?

sometimes, i feel so lost. i feel so sad. so angry. so confused. so lonely.

no one gets it. no one sees it.

most often, i won't allow them to.
i don't speak of it outside of this blog. i feel embarassed.

i was always the one who had it together. i was always the one with extra. all the time.
i want to scream. i want to cry. but it doesnt come out.

and then i try not to focus on the emotion because i don't want to go there.
there to the dark places i know i can go.
places where i can rationalize jumping off of buildings.

i'm fine.
i just need a break.

i swam too far to go back to the shore now.

funny stories to come, i promise.

I want something more. a lil bigger than myself right now. 2010 needs to kick some major arse!

I'm Alive

I've decided to work at a breakneck pace. Working from 8am to 2am most days. Sunday, the day of rest is the only day I won't work (as hard.) In 5 months, my unemployment will end technically if I don't file for an extension. In 5 months, my business needs to be able to sustain my lifestyle. I need to take everything I have to make that happen.

This week has been interesting.

Wednesday, I did Adina Howard's face. I got to meet Ice Tn his wife, Coco and Tyson Beckford. The stylist who hired me ended up paying me $10. He owes me more but claims he didn't have it. He would give it to me the next day and hasn't bee picking up my phone calls. I have half a mind to show up at his house.

Anywhosies, Tyson Beckford. Oh em gee. He's effing gorgeous! I was never wild about him but in person, I was just staring at him like...oh yea baby! He's all tall and manly and beautiful with tiny eyes and full lips. Yum!

Coco sounds like me. Ice sounds like he just needs a reason to whoop some taill.

He said, "You take care, aiight." I was like...."Please don't hurt me.." In my head...lol

I've added 2 new products to my line. Exciting. Will drop them this week.

Twin said I give "tough love" and I'm not sure what that means...

Ummm...all I want to share right now...hope all is well!
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Go to Sleep!

I'm feeling good and energized at 3am! Excited abt new business ventures. I met some cool peeps...lots on my mind. So much so, I've been trying to sleep for the past 3hrs. Every time I close my eyes, the thoughts don't cease...
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Holding On...

Soooooo...boy I met on Sunday....let's call him Sean. I see right through him. I see what he's about. Buuuuut, he's the only one paying me any attention right now. So do I play the game for a little attention or do I leave it alone?
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House of Cards 2

So, we set out to the village. On the ride there, I kept making eyes at this guy who sat across from us. IDK. He was so intriguing to me. He had on this red, black and green headwrap over his locs. He had spike chains on and these big combat boots. He also had on leather gloves and a khaki colored trenchcoat. It was like he was an afro-goth. Twin and I got off the train. As we got up to get off, he got up too. He was like 6"3. Twin 6". I felt like a dwarf standing between the two. I thought he was going to get off with us. He didn't. I told Twin that if he had, I'd be worried. We got off at West 4th St...the known gay spot. He said. If he did you should've been worried anyway because he was crazy. He said I need to get laid or something because my raging hormones are effing with my judgment.



All we did all night was walk around. We walked from the West Village to the East Village to SoHo. We walked for like 2.5 hours. I enjoyed it although my feet were killing me. We wanted to go to Gonzales and Gonzales..which kind of like one step up from Chipotle. We got turned away at the door for wearing sneakers. Twin was upset. I laughed it off.



As we were riding home, we saw the two most gorgeous black dudes on the train. One had on a button down shirt. No jacket. Dude, it was like 40 degrees outside. He had a swaggerific walk where it didn't even matter.



This guy came on the train and sang. It was apparent that something was off. I gave him a dollar. After I did, he said "Keep Jesus first, haha" with the most creepy laugh. It was weird. Twin was like.."That man was on drugs." in the TV after school special voice. I just cracked up.



I had such a good time and only spent $3 the whole night. Sa-weeeeeeeet!



Saturday night, I went to Brooklyn Museum First Saturdays with Wynsters the Tigress. We went early and watched Purple Rain. OH EM GEE. Purple Rain was hor-ri-ble. We laughed throughout....it was so bad it was good. That's the only way I can describe it. I will say that it gave me a whole new respect for Prince and the live music experience. I want to go to a concert.


We danced as I ran into a whole bunch of random people that I know from different places. I felt all popular. I ran into. the hey sexy guy from this post. He upgraded to "Hello Gorgeous." I said, "Hey..how are you?" He said..."I'm good. I don't want to hold you up. Your friend is waiting. I'll find you later." So, we proceeded to the dance floor. He passed by me but didn't say anything. I didn't see him after that. What is his deal???? I'm all intrigued because I'm like...why flatter me but then don't take my number. I guess there's always next month. Right?

I saw a guy standing by himself in the corner. Wynsters pushed me to talk to him and I did. We made small talk before my nervousness kicked in and we ran away after I got his number. We danced as I starved Wynsters before we left. It was a good night.

Sunday, I woke up with just enough time to bird bath and ummm....put on the same clothes I wore Saturday night. Nothing scandalous, I sa-wear! I had a dress picked out but it was a turtleneck sweater dress and it was 70 degrees outside. I had a choice: figure something out and be late or wear what I had on the previous night and be on time.

I felt like a hooker the whole time. I wore liquid leggings and knee high flat boots to church. It'll be funny next week..I'm sure. I'm glad I went. I felt all renewed and such. I took the bus home. A few stops after mine this dude gets on the bus. He is f-i-n-e in that pretty boyish way. Light-skinned, hat, light brown eyes...yadda yadda. He's asking for change for the fare. I have it. I try to always bring change becasue I'm schizo and forget my metrocard sometimes. He has a $5 bill and needs singles + change for the bus. I say, I don't have singles but he can just have the fare. He doesn't want to take my money. Although its just $2.25. I don't think anything of it.

I get off the bus, he chases me down to ask for my number. Sweet.

I text him mine because my phone died. He calls me later.

Snippet of the conversation:

Me: How old are you?
Him: 25, you?
Me: 23.
Him: Oh, you're a baby.
Me: How am I a baby?
Him: You just are. Do you still live with your parents?
Me: No, I live alone.

(hmmmm...)

Him: What sign are you?
Me: Aquarius
Him: Oh, that means you are a bad girl.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Yes...it means you're naughty.
Me: *laughs* OK, if you say so. What's your sign?
Him: Pisces.
Me: Oh GOD!
Him: I hope that's in a good way.
Me: Pisceans are cold blooded. They get what they want and they leave you.
Him: No, baby, I'm a lover.
Me: Ok, I'll take your word for it.
Him: I can show you better than I can tell you.

(I bet.)

Me: So what are you looking for?
Him: Whatever you're looking for. Do you have a bf?
Me: No, do you?
Him: Do I have a bf?
Me: Yes *laughs*
Him: That's not even a question. Hell no, I don't have no bf.
Me: Sorry, you gotta ask these days. Do you have a gf?
Him: I have a friend.
Me: A friend?
Him: Yea, she and I do what we do but I'm not trying to go deeper than that with her. What are you looking for?

(hmmmm....bs meter goes off the charts!)

Me: I'm looking to date.

(I don't remember his response)

What I'm thinking is the signs are all there.
1. Whenever a guy asks you (even in a casual way) who you live with.
2. When he mentions or even alludes to sex
3. When he calls you a bad girl or naughty in some type of way to either make you challenge or confirm it....

all in the first convo...

its a fwb situation he's looking for.

I am so totally NOT with it.
Yes, my hormones are on 10 right now but I can't deal. I don't want to sleep with someone unless a)I know its the real thing..if you know what I mean and b) I won't feel like a big hoe bag the next day. What am I going to get out of it, really? I'll feel like my soul's going to hell and he would've gotten off.

Today, I was thinking about the other dude. I sent him a text.

"Hi N...it's Nina. We met on Saturday. I hope your day is going well. I will speak to you soon. :)"

No response.

I talked to Twin, asking if I should call him. Twin said no.
I did anyway. He didn't pick up. I feel like an idiot for not listening to Twin. We shall see. I'm going to remain hopeful.

INNNNNNNNNNNNN the meantime. I saw Blair on Friday. He looked annoyed when I spoke to him. I want to hump on something so bad. Something meaning someone who is in my top 3 lovers list. Top 3 are: 1) Aussie (not gonna happen) 2) Blair and 3)Dame.

1) Aussie...he was good at everything. He even sucked on my toes! BUT..he's an asshole who cheats.
2) Blair....I'm sure that I'm the last girl on his list of people to eff. I don't like the situation in the least.
3) Dame...I haven't spoken to him in maybe a year and a half. I miss him because he loved my body. Even my belly. He would umm...go downtown until I made him stop. He's older. As in 40+ so his stamina is not what it used to be and he can't go all night. Not like I want someone to. But, if I do..I need someone who is going to be up for it. However, he is attentive. I did things with him, I've never done before and probably wouldn't do with anyone else unless they put a ring on it. Not crazy things..just stuff like letting him tie me up..hehe

Funny how these were the last 3 people I slept with in chronological order from soonest to oldest. The next person I sex has to do what they do and better. I just really want some goooood sex. The kind that makes you grab on to the sheets begging them to stop but not really wanting to. The kind that after, you can't move because all of your energy has been expended. The kind where you feel flushed all over. You know...I want sex like how I want my politicians reliable and dirty. hahahaha

Maybe I've said too much.

Sorry for the long post.

Besos!

House of Cards

Do you guys still love me?
I've been posting and haven't been reading a lot...will change today!

Its after 12, technically Monday....so yea...lol

Weekend Re-Cap!
Friday night, Twin called me. He'd had a drama-filled week! He should have a blog, lol. Let's just say it involved a sister putting a gun to her bf's head, a manager screwing him out of a hefty raise and his team turning on him. He needed a release. He wanted to go out and how could I not oblige? Only, it was cold and we had no real direction.

We set out towards the village. Twin said he felt like being gay. Lol.

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New Levels

I always pine for the unattainable ones....
There's something crazy in me that goes..."I must have HIM"

Brother Wise is not cute or tall or big and burly the way I like them. He's deeply flawed, borderline mental. He's a thinker, an artist. He's charming in that way where its totally off-beat and disarming. He's honest in a way that's self-depricating but not in a fake way but he shows me the ugliest parts of himself. Yet, I don't turn away.

He's celibate too.

Our conversations usually surround his child, work, God, politics, black history...you know...the usual afro-puff topics, lol.

The last convo we had was yesterday.

It was intense...

It started off as normal and then my lil curious self asked him...

"How do you handle your celibacy?"

His answer shocked the hell out of me.

He goes to strip clubs.

The man who cuts his hair whenever he feels as though he's transgressed against God goes to strip clubs to release his sexual frustration at being celibate.

He said sometimes, it helps to transfer or release that sexual energy there and he's less likely to take a stripper home than a girl from the club.

Whoa.

Then, somehow...idk how...we started talking about anal and how the most taboo sexual acts are now the norm. He said he was too chicken to suggest it. I laughed. Pretty much every sexual partner I've had in the past 4 years (with the exception of Afroman) has wanted to try it. I'm saving that for my husband...

We talked for a long time (through FB chat...it seems to only work when I talk to him.) I told him...each time we talk our relationship deepens.

He agreed.

He calls me a funny animal name I won't discuss here. I told him I'm not that, I'm an evil vixen. He was like "why vixen?" I said because that's who I am in my head.

He was like..I'm not just that in my head...rather, I'm sexy, beautiful, seductive with a smile that is bright and pouty lips...

I was like stop right there! I don't think we should go down this road.
He said I started it. Two words created the yellow bricks and he was halfway down the block already.

I played it cool but in my head I was booking a round-trip ticket to Connecticut. Thank God for a state between us.

I've been thinking about him ever since. He's so intense. He's also deeply afraid. Going down any road with him will lead to a dead end. He won't sleep with me. Not without major MAJOR moral conflict. And really..I don't want to put him through that. He makes me smile and feel like the most beautiful woman ever. He makes me think I could love him unconditionally. If only he would let me. He's so afraid. I couldn't go there with him. He would end up hurting me irreparably simply by allowing himself to walk away.
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Hoodini

JT and I were supposed to go on a date today.

Yesterday, we were texting back and forth trying to figure out a time. I said any time after 1:30. He didn't respond. I called later, he didn't pick up.

I was like let me fall back and see if he would call me or text.

He didn't.

I sent a text:
"I'm disappointed that we didn't get to chill today for whatever reason. I hope everything is okay. I'm sorry for bothering you..."

I'll probably never hear from him again and that is okay.

Today was a good day nonetheless. My cheeks are hurting from laughing all day. My belly is full from good food.

Talking to Twin about JT. I was reminded of a dude Gi was dating whose way of breaking up with her was changing his number, job and residence. Crazy right?
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This a Post About Control

(*cue Janet* lol)

I often feel like a child. Lost. Before me lays many doors and all I have to do is choose.

Get a "real" job. Be a slave to a company I don't care about nor cares about me.

Or

Struggle and try to build a business during this economic recession.

What shall I choose?

Hopefully, I live to see the ball drop to 2010. If I am blessed with another year of life...from January 1 til December 31..it is my mission to make each day count!

I have had one of the worst years of my life. How do you recover from one thing after the other crumbling in your hands?

How do you bounce back from every piece in your life falling to the wayside?

My thoughts are everywhere.

Am I really living? Am I happy?
I don't know.

I'd like to think I am.

I am so ready for something BIG.
I feel like there are these steps I should be taking but I'm not. I can't see the staircase.

Random venting. Not sure if this makes sense.
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I listen to the sound of the rain as it is the ground outside of my window. The wind blows my curtain softly and I think of you. You are the reason I am up so late at night, typing away. The darkness of my room is only illuminated by my laptop screen. I am remembering that feeling so tucked away in the folds of my heart.

Liking someone.

You have grown on me.

And I foolishly wish to not feel like this. For it means, I will be open to something else: disappointment. How sad is it that I almost want to be alone instead of have the foreplay be better than the sex. How often does that happen.

But I will live in this moment and relish in the smile on my face as I type away, well past midnight. You are the glimmer of hope in my eye.

Aggression

"Essentially, I'm an animal. So what do I do with all the aggression?" Gnarls Barkley

I've been told that I'm very aggressive lately. There's always that denotation that cute and cuddly women are passive and SheRa beasts are aggressive. Guess who men want to be with?

I can not turn it off.

If I like you, you will feel it. You will see it. You will have no doubts.

I get worried. I feel like sometimes I should back down and I don't. I mean how many Cosmo articles can one read where its like...

Men like to chase.

So, hmmm....
There are 2 guys:

1. BGG is an entrepreneur like myself except his company is huge. He keeps saying he wants to make time but doesn't.

2. JT is in school and is pursuing music. We talked a lot a few months ago but died down. I met him on FB. He did a shoot for me as an extra as a favor. I met him then. We hugged. I didn't want to let go. Neither did he. (Lol) I (umm..jokingly?) said I was gonna stalk him for another hug. He said..I felt so loving. Text messages kind of stopped there.

I finally found 2 people I kinda like..how does a girl get a date in this town? Lol
I don't play games. I've never had the patience for it. I'm forward. And so...it begins.

Will keep ya'll posted!
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Ahhh

Yes, I haven't updated in a second. My bad.

Nothing spectacular has happened.
My cousin X came to live with my mom from South Carolina which means he basically lives with me.

Arrgh!

He's not one of my favorite cousins at all. I'm not close with my mom's family at all. I always felt like they never really accepted me. This cousin, I actually lived with him, his bro and my aunt a long time ago for a summer. He hasn't changed a lot. Which is...unfortunate.

Maybe I'm making it worse than it really is...

He's a good kid but he's just needy, talkative, and he complains a lot.

I just really can't take someone that has to be spoken to all day long. Its annoying. All day all he talks about is how hard this transition is, how he's not used to the trains, how he needs money, yadda yadda...

I'm like STOP COMPLAINING!

You wanted to live here. You're the one that didn't save money. How do you move somewhere with $14 in your bank account?

He frustrates me.

Furthermore, my mother basically wants me to be with him every day.

iCan't.

That's not even in my personality to be under someone every day. After a while, I need alone time. I need silent time. it would be different if he respected silent time. He doesn't understand it. Thursday we were together all day. At around 9:30, I just wanted to be quiet. I told him that. He was like "Why aren't you talking to me?" (Oh man up!) I was like, I just want it to be silent. He gets on his cell phone. Ahhhhhh.

He drains me. Trying to encourage someone everyday when I'm trying to keep my own head up.

I'm on my way to a photo shoot for my company's Holiday '09 campaign (yay!!) My mom was like, why didn't you take X? Because (!!!) I left the house at 7am and the ride is 2 hrs each way (!!!) Someone will die!

Other than that, TD Bank is some bullshit.

How did I make a cash deposit on Friday, October 17th and it didn't post til Thursday the 22nd?????

All week, I was calling pissed off because bills were coming out and my account was overdrawn.

They kept feeding me bullshit like it was my fault. At one point, they were like...

"What do you want me to do about it?"

Can you tell my blood pressure is up this morning?

Finally, I get it straightened out. My account balance is $0.72. My freaking student loans (who I told I won't have money til next week) still took out $50 of my account. For some reason TD let's people charge whatever. It just means they tack on however many overdraft fees they want.

Fuuuuck!

One thing after the other!

God is good because I haven't gone hungry...which is a miracle. Twin has been so good to me. I'm thankful. I'm just ready for my unemployment to kick in already.

Other than that, I'm sick of people staring at me all the time. My mom noticed it when we went to the movies last week and says its because I'm so pretty. I was like..oh that's nice but I think its the low haircut. It is soooo...ugh! Imagine being stared out everywhere you go. It gets old. Waiting impatiently for my hair to grow back. I was pratically bald so it will probably take some years. *sigh*

On a happy note, my company is shooting their holiday 09 ad (a lil late) but hopefully I can produce it by Nov 1. I'm excited.

Enough venting for now.

Toodles.
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Weekend

The weekend was great.

Saturday, I did another photo shoot for the magazine. It went well!

As we were eating, I got a call from a friend who said Lil Mama needed a make-up artist that night. He gave me her publicist's number. She also needed a hair artist so me and Diva ran to the job.

Thoughts from the night:

*She doesn't need heavy make-up. Her skin is okay, slight blemishes but they're easily covered.
*Her eyes were like yellow green...hauntingly beautiful.
*She didn't like anything I did. She ended up taking my stuff and painting herself like a drag queen.

I don't care because the money was green and I paid my light bill on Monday because it was due to be cut off on Tuesday.

Sunday, I had a day-long photo shoot with these ladies who had just turned 30 and 40 and wanted to feel sexy. Great shoot! Lots of fun!

All weekend, I stood on my feet a total of 25 hours.

Beat is not the word! It is great to say "I'm a working artist."
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Hmmm

I'm about to go out and do a job where this girl and her 4 friends are going to a party. I hate these late night jobs..but, I need the money!

Anyway...I've been thinking about men. I've been thinking about breaking my celibacy more and more each day. All I can think about is sexing. I've felt like this before around my 6month peak...but whooooooa nelly!

So this whatever is dedicated to whomever is on my mind right now....

I want to grab your face and kiss you
Show you how much I've missed you
Wondering if you've been thinking about me
As I have you
Make me feel wanted
Make me feel like a natural
Woman
Feline
Fragile in your arms
Steely eyed drama queen of the night
Steer this ship as we rock
back back
forth forth

I want to hold you.
Feel skin under finger tips
Goosebumps under lips

It is cold baby
Keep me warm.
Bedtime lullabyes breathe these words to me
Let's go.

Anytime. Anywhere.

Lips pressed together
Bodies pushed together
Let me kiss you.
Hands exploring
I implore you

Let me kiss you.

I like this dude for no reason. He's not even cute. BUT, I want him to want me..I know...STOOOPID! lol

I like this other dude becaue he's driven but our "schedules" keep us apart.

I thought I liked this other dude but he talks too much.

I really just want to find a match and take it from there.

We shall see....

Puff Puff Passsssss

I hate Anonymous comments....

Lol.

I feel like people act like they can say whatever under the veil of anonymity. But whatever...

Anonymous made this comment in reference to my Sat, Oct 3 post:

"You were harsh. But I see it has been a reoccurring theme with you and your dealings with men who approach you. If you are tired of being single, why be so cold and mean"

I mentioned it on twitter and one of my friends said that whoever left that is high and should be generous and share...lol.

I gave it serious thought.

1. I am sick of being single but I do question if I can be in a relationship. My life is really not stable right now and I'm not sure if I have space in my head for that.

2. Maybe I should be more forgiving if someone steps to me in a stupid way. I just don't understand why men can't just say "Hello. I think you're beautiful. Can I have your number?"

3. I shouldn't complain and I should be used to it but seriously, I'm stared at constantly. Between my hair cut and my make-up (and err- other assets) people are always looking at me and how many times can you be nice and cool when you really just want to be like...get the eff out of my face, ho! I learned a long time ago...If I weren't a certain way with men, they will say crazy things to you. They will cross the line and you really just have to cut it short before it gets to a level where it shouldn't go.

Case and point: same post...my friends were saying I was being harsh to dude and I was nice. What did he do? He violated my personal space and tried to pick me up (literally.)

I know what I want in a man...I know what allowances I will make if a man doesn't quite possess what I want. I know when a situation isn't for me. So, why waste anyone's time??
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Tuesday + Wednesday

Tuesday, I started my internship....it was interesting.
The process of getting fabrics, getting a pattern maker, a cutter, a manufacturer and getting the clothes..ex.haus.ting! I understand why people charge a lot of money for their merchandise. My feet were rocking though by the end of the day.

Wednesday, I was still tired in my body but kept it professional. I was running all around and doing things when it hit me...I don't want a career in fashion. Why was I doing this internship? I am so tired when I get home, I can't really function. I can't even focus on my business which is horrible because they are not paying me...no bueno.

I decided I was wasting my time.

Luckily, I'm observant and I did learn a bit about merchandising and I took not of what books were on the shelves and I will be reading them shortly.

Time to re-focus.
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Sunday! Monday!

Sunday, I owned my haircut and wore a hot outfit to church.

I know...vanity vanity vanity!
But being bald has helped my self-esteem in that its all about the face.

The reaction has been awesome.

Sunday's message was about obedience to God and how, through obedience, God will open doors for us. I feel like that message was right on time.

He said, "When its time for a woman to give birth, she has to go through some pain. She might get a contraction before hand but its not time for that baby to be born until those contractions are one after the other. Back to back pain. That's how she knows she about to give birth to some thing. In the delivery room, the amount of energy it takes to deliver the baby makes the woman feel like she is about to die. The doctors only tell her one thing and that's push!
No matter what you're going through you have to keep pushing!"

Monday, I woke up dazed. I had no clue what I was going to do.

I kept saying over and over..."My gosh, I've been laid off."

So, I did the only thing I knew how....I got made up...went to the library (my make-shift office for the day and did some work or my business.)

I applied for several licenses I need to sell stuff, spoke to the IRS about some questions I had and did some site maintenance.

I got a call at around 3. I got the fashion internship, I started Tuesday.
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Sat Oct 3

Ugh! I'm sorry its taking me a full week to explain what happened over the weekend!

Saturday, I felt like mold but I had an interview for an internship at a plus-size boutique. I aced the interview, picked up some lashes and planned to go out that night. I did my laundry, got a hair cut and rushed to get dressed

My hair is now low low low....like you see scalp. It was an accident but I'm kind of happy it happened.

I went out with BFF and Wynsters the Tigress.

We went to Target First Saturdays at the Brooklyn Museum where its free entrance, you can visit all the exhibits and they have a dance party where a DJ spins some tunes and everyone all ages gets to dance and have fun. It happens first Saturday of the month.

Let me tell you...we boogied! It made up for the calamity that was Friday!

Two instances though:
1. Saw dude as we were walking by.

"Hey sexy," he said.
"Hello," I responded and kept walking.

He saw me again on the dance floor. He pinched my arm. I pinched him back.

"You're just the way I like 'em, he said."

*blank stare* from me.

As he left, I told my friends..."All he had to do was say something classy."

They agreed.

2. Dude kept making comments to Wynsters, I thought.

He saw us outside ands asked to take a picture of me.

"Where is this picture going?"

"Just my personal collection."

I obliged. He tried to put his arm around my waist to take a picture with me.

"Whoa, too close," I said. It felt weird. Wynsters said I was being too harsh.

Fine.

He tried to hug me...I stepped back.

"You trying to play me," he said. He grabbed me by my waist and tried to lift me up. As he tried I was like stop! I hit him with my clutch. His grip was so tight around my body. His head was on my chest. Stop! Stop!

It took the dudes next to me to rip his hands off to get him to quit.

Friggin weirdo!

I was so embarrassed. I just had to leave. As we were leaving this shady ass lady hands me a piece of paper...

"If you're not into this, give it to someone who is.."

I looked at the paper...it was a flyer from "Get Money Productions" saying that by "Shakin Yo Big Tits and Ass you can make $$$$$"

I was floored. BFF and Wynsters were roooolllling! I was like...wtf, is it my outfit?

As we were walking to the car, Wynsters told me to put the flyer on some random minivan's windshield. I did.

We laughed hard. Sang along to the Blueprint 3 album.

Great way to forget your blues for a night.
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I Wonder

I sit alone in the dark. The night surrounds me. It comforts me. The silence is only broken by the sounds of me breathing. It is reassuring. The fact that night comes and I am always awake, yawning and wishing for sleep.

He is on my mind. No one in particular. Rather, every man that I've ever shared a bed with and I wish for one of them to be with me now.

It is cold and I am lonely.

He calls me from an "unknown" number and I know what he wants. Come over. He tells me he turned off his cell phone and his home number is private. We have experienced each other in intimate ways yet the walls between us are insurmountable.

I decline.

I close my eyes and remember sweat, bodies interlocking, sheets, slaps, pinches, kisses, embraces, tongues, legs, backs, skin...

It is cold and I am lonely.

I regret my decision but then I remember the morning after and walking home alone in the rain, knowing we had gone too far.

The silence becomes my prison as there are always thoughts in my head lined up to be voiced.

How long shall I deny myself the touch of a man? How long will I wait until I give in to the desire that creeps in the stillness of the night and settles itself into my bones?

But then I think of the man that I deserve and how he is so different from the man I desire and I reach for the one that is attainable right now. The better part of me slaps my hand away.

I am not ashamed. I just pray for the will to make it through another night.

It is cold and I am lonely.
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Friday, Oct 2nd

I woke up feeling good. I was excited about the freebies I got. I was getting ready to go get some money! Lol. I had a runway show to do.

I ran my errands. TD Bank has been acting crazy messing up people's available balances and things...not cool.

I was on line for 45 minutes to cash my payroll check. Blah blah blah. Ran errands.

At 1:30, I get a text from Gi. My whole department was shut down. I've been laid off and I found out from a friend. I called the office. No one was available to give me any info. I had to put it out my mind.

Got my kit together. Made it on time for my call time for the show. It was 3pm. The show was supposed to start at 7:30. They were building the runway....hunh?

Red flag #1 that this was gonna be some bull..

The person who hired me wasn't there at 4. We went to pick her up. (We meaning me and the other make-up artist)

Red flag # 2.

At 6pm, no one could find the director (the person who put the stuff together.

We started the make-up.

At 7:30, the DJ still wasn't there. I got into it with one of the designers. He's one of those gay men who try to be more than who they are..he's tall and skinny. Dark dark dark...with bad skin. He was only picking the white and extremely light skinned models even though half of then couldn't walk as great as the other models.
Let's just say..I didn't raise my voice but I was really snippy and I slammed the door behind him so hard that the room shook.

You ever feel like a cat about to attack...like all the hair on the back of your neck is raised and you're really abt to hurt someone? Umm yea...

At 9:30, the DJ finally came!!!

Umm, yea.

By then, I'd done 30 faces. I was tired. The other make-up artist did the base make-up (concealer and foundation) and I did the creative stuff.

My supervisor finally called me. He said he was hoping he was the first to tell me. They dissolved the department at 12pm. It was 9:45pm. Ooookay!!

I packed up my stuff and was watching the show.
The show started at 10. They only had the place until 11.

Ummmmmmm......the show was a MESS! There was one designer who was from Jersey. He was a tshirt designer and the shirts were oookay. BUT he had all these girls in boy shorts and heels with T-shirts and he kept saying "High Fashion Couture..." I was like...are you serious?

My head hurts thinking about it.

There were about 5 designers who each had 40 pieces to show. It was a huge show!

The people allowed them 45 more minutes.

At 11, Papoose the rapper was supposed to perform. As the girls are modeling...he and his 30 goons walk through the runway almost bumping into the girls. :-O

The DJ goes "Hurry this up cuz Papoose is about to spit on the mic."

Umm...okay.

They stop the show...Papoose raps. One designer goes...eff that eff that! She and her 30 models storm the runway at the same time. She's shouting..."I'm showing my designs. Newark stand up!"

*insert mouth dropping*

I feel like the energy is a bit crazy and I go and get my stuff. I've only stayed this long because I want to get paid. They end the show in the middle of the commotion. It seems the director pulled a disappearing act. No one got paid. Not even the venue.

I take the bus home. At least I have good pictures, right? Umm, the make-up artist who did the base make-up made everyone lighter than their natural tone....I can't use the pictures and have that represent my work.

Grrrrrr!
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Thursday, Oct 1st

All week I was saying to myself....life is going well....things seem to moving in a great direction and then the "h" word came up.

I said, "Things aren't perfect but I am happy."

I wanted to take it back immediately!

Happiness is a delicate thing with me. Its like a bratty child. The moment you say you have it all figured out and it seems to be working out..it flips on you.

Thursday....I went to the Spa Week Media Party.

It was aweeeesommmme!
I got a reflexology foot massage...omg...heaven!

I got a neck and back rub, too. I don't think I like those...lol. Or maybe my muscles are so tense it hurt. My skin felt so tender.

My anti-aging hand treatment was cool too.

They had a chocolate fondue fountain and all these nice sweets.

I met some really cool people that could make some things happen and I had a great time. The goody bag they gave was so heavy that it broke. I got a new bag from Macy's and that one broke too...it would've been okay if I were going straight home but I was going to another event at the Gansevoort Hotel. A dude I have a crush on that goes to my church and went to my high school just launched a real estate company. He had a party at the hotel and I went.

I looove two hotels in NYC: The Hotel Gansevoort and the Maritime Hotel. They are both just stunning!
Because of my broken bag, I had limited mobility and ended up missing a lot - err- all of his party. It was crowded and ya'll know my purse was gigantic so...I waited for him. I had been in my 3inch heels all night and was really over it. I sat in the bar area next to some girls - err - wenches.

I do it with my girlfriends...I know a lot of women do...we go out to have drinks and happen to make snarky comments about women who tried too hard or didn't try hard enough.

These girls were going IN for the kill. They had something to say about every woman that passed by. After 15 minutes, I was disgusted.

I didn't even want to waste my breath and say anything because 4 against 1. I don't like those odds

So, I moved.

I ran into another type of woman. The fag hag. When I first started walking balls and more and more of my friends were gay, I found myself living the life of a fag hag where your gay friends become your Bible. They tell you what to wear, how to wear your hair, do your make-up, how to act. Its crazy. You get sucked in and its quite...idk.

Well, this girl was with 3 gay men...with the lingo...she had on a short sequined skin-tight dress and a long pony tail. Her heels were high high high. She had a waaaalk. Like Sasha Fierce x 10.

That could be me so I was like...okay. Then she walked up to me...I remember you from high school. You graduated in 04/05...

I said, "Hi. No in 03."

"Oh whatever...." She walked away.
When I tell you my left eyebrow went all the way up. That was sooooo rude. And it was really for no reason.

Faghags look down on women who seemingly aren't like them. Like, ugh! You don't know anything! I'm saying this because its how I used to be and when you see a glimpse of what you were, its not fun.

The party was letting out and I saw Kip (the dude I like) mingling with the guests. I couldn't go back to the first group and I didn't want another run in with the other chick. I stood by the door waiting to talk to him. In my heels. For about 45minutes.

At one point, I couldn't feel my toes.

I just wanted to show him I came out to support. I saw him for like a minute.

He said, "We have to meet up."

"Tuesday, I'll outlook you." I blurted out. I'm such a dork. I just rolled my eyes admitting that...lol

He said okay...I had a big hole in my tights that my dress barely covered, my bag was broken, my feet were hurting. I felt like a mess! I left, teeter-tottered around the corner and changed into my sneakers. It felt like an orgasm. No lie.

I took the train to a cab to get home.

I fell asleep immediately. It was glorious.
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Updates

This weekend was a working weekend for me! I loved every bit of it. Business is picking up...yay!

I should e-mail blast people more often, lol. I actually have to order more jars...exciting!

Friday, J took me to get my camera. I begged him and hounded him for 2 weeks because he has a credit of $650 from Best Buy...he could spare $119 on a camera, right? Well, in order to get the camera, I had to go with him to get his car from the dealership. That took ALL DAY! We were supposed to meet up at 12. He pushed the time back 3 times...we met up t 2:30. I was getting so pissed! I had other things I wanted to do... The dealership was waayyyy out on the other side of Brooklyn.

It took us a good hour and 15 minutes to get there. We get there and the car is not ready. Then it is ready and it won't start. Drama drama drama. We didn't leave til 5:30. We get my camera and it is GORGEOUS! He ended up spending $180. The actual camera was $129. He got 2-yr insurance on it because he knows I suck with electronics....constantly dropping things. I felt bad. Money is money. He didn't have the gift card so he put it on his credit card. He tells me he owes Best Buy $4800 another $180 is like interest. Sweeet!

I didn't get home til 8pm. So...yea...my whole Friday shot. I had orders to package but it just so happened that the orders needed to be photographed for my website. So, it worked out.

Saturday...ran some errands, ended up in the Farmer's Market. Got inspired for a photoshoot which Editor loved. Met up with Twin. We found a cute little jewelry boutique that we both loved...we ate...and I ran another errand. Came home. Worked all day as far as making products and taking more pictures. My mom convinced me to leave my work and join her game night with her beautician and her beautician's daughter.

I don't like the beautician's daughter.

She had a gastric bypass by a shady doctor. She wasn't big enough to have it but he did it anyway. She almost died (!!) but she pulled through. She doesn't exercise but she expects the weight to just fall off. So, to help that along, she starves herself. She only eats a few pieces of fruit. Her mom made her eat a piece of chicken. She put the chicken in her mouth and chewed it and then spit it into a napkin. She did this for 6 pieces of mini-wings.

I was like, "Listen, trick! If you don't stop wasting food...."

That pissed me off because she wasn't swallowing it and people like me who relish in having a (free) cooked meal (me) could be eating....

Plus, I haaaaate listening to people chew, suck and lick stuff..ick!

Other than that, it was fun.

Sunday, I woke with enough time to get shower, dress, and go to church as it was starting.

Have you ever been to a black church and sat next to THE most obnoxious person in the place? That's where I was sitting. The woman was big and during the worship part of the service, I felt so uncomfortable because I couldn't move without being squished. The, during the service, she would yell loudly.."That's right pastor!"and "You talking to ME!" over and over. She was trying to include me in her diatribe..wasn't working. She would be like "Girl, he's preachin!"...yea, I'm trying to listen thanks..I was trying not to be rude but its like....come on! I think she was being rude and attention-seeking. By the end of the sermon, I was flinching every time she spoke.

Speaking of the sermon, pastor rocked it! He was taking about why Moses didn't obey God and the same reasons why he didn't is the same reasons we don't. We make excuses...he highlighted 4. Fear, low self-esteem, fear of embarassment, and indifference.

He said 2 main things:

Bitterness is like you drinking bleach and hoping the other person dies.

What if God gave you that idea and its the only one in the world. What if you don't act on it and it could bring you millions. What if you try it and it works.

That was the beginning of a great week!
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Funny Funny

Gi talked to me for the nth time yesterday about a dude she's messing with not wanting to give her a title.

She says:
"Nina, do you think we're fwb? I mean we are dating...."

Me:
Well, you don't have a title and you're sleeping with him.

Gi:
True. I really really like him.

Me:
Hmmmm. Do you REALLY want to be his gf or do you just want the title because ya'll are sleeping together?

*crickets*

Me:
I mean he doesn't have a job. You have a lot of expectations from him and he can't deliver. Putting a title on it will only restrict what you guys do (meaning he will put less effort into it because its locked down) and have you ever dated someone who was unemployed? Not fun.

Gi:
I guess you're right. I've been in that situation before. Maye I'll give it a few more months but reallyby 4 months you should know if you want to be with someone or not.

....Notice she never answered my question...lol
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The Incredible Power of the Human Mind!

(Written yesterday of course)

I woke up this morning, the first thought being.."Yay, its Wednesday! One more day of work! Woo hoo!!" The little voice in the back of my mind said "Silly, its not Wednesday."

It went on for like a minute until I fully had myself convinced it was Wednesday.

I looked at my phone, saw Tuesday and beat myself over the head with the pillow.

- just thought I'd share -

I feel so bad. I'm slow with my blog surfing. Forgive me! Muahz!
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Time is Like Holding Sand in Your Fist

This weekend was all about the gays,it seemed.

Friday night, I went to a mixer for a foundation I working with. In 2005, a gay teen was murdered. His dismembered body was found in separate garbage bags in th NYC subway. The murder is still unsolved. The foundation is in his honor to keep the NYPD interested in the case and to provide scholarships to LGBT youth going to college. The mixer was at the Rubin Museum of Art. Gorgeous museum. I'd never been there. I got there at 7, just in time to down 2 for 1 pomegranate martinis that tasted like ass but were potent. I hadn't eaten before I drank. Wooot! Afterwards, me teeter-tottering in my heels, SB and his ex-date I guess (date meaning they liked each other, went out a couple of times but for some reason or another, it didn't work out.) went searching for drinks and bbq. $3.50 margaritas and ribs for me. Love. The conversation quickly migrated to SB and why it didn't work out between them. SB delivered the best line of the night:

"Of course I want love! I've been looking for it. I've been single or 5 years. I should've killed myself by now!"

We walked from there to the Maritime Hotel where we met up with SB's roomie and another dude. I love the Maritime and if my bday was not in the winter time, we'd party on the rooftop. Gorgeous night! Gorgeous setting!

SB's ex date was so.....extra jealous. Every dude wanted SB and wasn't good enough for him. Bitter bitter bitter. I don't tolerate that from my female friends so experiencing that from a dude I just met...I wanted to run away.

We left and as we were walking to another club, I noticed it was late and I'd spent enough money. I was ready to go home. My chest was all open from the drinks. I was done.

SB said, "Women can't take being around fags too long. Its okay girl. We understand!"

Smh.

Sunday, I woke up with my body hurting and nauseousness swirling around my head. I didn't go to church, opting to stay in bed til around 4pm. J text me asking if I was going to an event at the pier that night. I did but I had nothing to wear. No seriously. I washed a pair of jeans really quickly and ran to the laundromat to dry them. They were drying for 30 minutes when J came to pick me up. They were still so wet, I had to be resigned to wearing the clothes I had on.

Whatevs.

I only went to see Vogue Evolution since they were performing. It was dope. I saw Dashaun. That's my baby. He is soooo fit now. Every muscle in his body is defined. Pony aka Devon is so weird. Idk something is off with him.

After the event, J dragged me and this chick Princess (because of her "cater to me" attitude) to a party at this butch lesbian's house. We walk in...I'm the only straight girl there. J is one of 2 dudes there. Usually, I'm really closed off and guarded around the aggressive lesbians I encounter but they were so cool, I was at ease. We didn't talk about sexuality really. It was great. I left picking up some of their mannerisms. Hilarity imagining myself as a tomboy again.

Today, I was supposed to go to the track. I want to run and get back in shape. I woke up at 8:30. The track closes to the public at 9. From then on, my body felt horrible. My voice sounds like a man. Idk what to do. Sit down or work out?

I stayed in the bed til 2 and was moving so slow getting out of the house. Editor says I've been running too hard. I can't afford it. I have $2.00 in my account. All my bills aren't paid. I'm drowning a lil bit. I felt like mold for staying in the bed all day I planning on going to bed at 1 and waking up at 8 to try and run. We'll see how that works out.
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