Monday, March 23, 2009

Another Trophy, Less Money, More Questions

(written on Sunday)


I won. The competition on Saturday.


It was funny...there were like 2 girls there. They saw me in the bathroom and they didn't compete. I was upset. Like....that was lame. If I saw Tyra Banks in the bathroom about to compete...oh, Tyra's gonna go down. So...I kinda just walked out there and the crowd kinda clapped and the judges liked it and I won.

The look: Huge Mohawk, with a 30 inch braid in the back...chains around my neck...white wifebeater split down the middle, red lace bra, black vinyl pencil skirt, 5 inch heels...the edgiest I've been!

(these are not the best pics but my camera cord is hiding from me...all i can post for now and of course the pics will be taken down soon)

It was a good moment for my "career." But, I woke up this morning with so many questions. I think I might just leave it alone. I don't know why I do it anymore. I didn't feel excitement. I feel unfulfilled in my life. I work so hard. In everything. I work for what? I compete for what? I've thrown away so many trophies and spent the money and it gained me?

The money I spent turned out to be more than I bargained for so the money I gained really didn't mean anything.

This means nothing to me anymore.

But, I've built this image. I've built this stature for myself that means nothing in the real world and I can't leave it. It was something so liberating and now it has trapped me. Kind of like

I don't know. My friends that do it are all so INTO it that they can't hear me when I say its not as fun anymore. The ones that don't do it don't respect or understand why I got involved with it in the first place.

What I thought was my passion really isn't anymore. And so I must search for what is...and pursue it.

I've come to the realization that I think out the wrong things and I take my time. Taking your time is a good attribute but I feel like I need to DO...of course, in a responsible manner.

I twitted this: Am I brave enough to change my life?

Guess I'm on a journey...

1 comment:

Young woman on a journey said...

you are one of the bravest people i know! you are brave enough to do anything!

you looked hot! love the shoes! that alone would keep me from competing!