2:30am

Yes...
And I have 4 hours to get up

Just overwhelmed.

Light and gas bills due. Rent due. Still gotta get to Bermuda. Now teeth acting crazy..that's $200 because its impacted and I need oral surgery. I want to get my license and buy my neighbor's car. I want to move out of NYC. I want a different life.

*sigh*

This Sunday's message was stop looking at your situation and keep your eyes on God. Pointed much?
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No, NO light-hearted post today!

This post was supposed to be funny....

Oh, the joke is on me, now isn't it!

I haven't had sex in 6 months. I haven't been kissed or held since January. The loneliness is settling in my bones. I don't mind not having sex. I do miss the text messages, the e-mails, and the kissing. I'm a great kisser! Lol. I fear that its been so long, I would have forgotten by the time the lucky guy comes along and then I'll be idk...alone again. I digress.

Last night, I dreamt I spent Christmas with Afroman and the white girl he left me for. He hates when I refer to her as such but...I hate he left me for her so we're even. We were having Christmas duck and they were arguing because, naturally, she didn't want me there and then his brother had sex with a post-op tranny. This all took place in Buffalo where they share a home but it looked just like my mother's house. I know. Weird.

Tonight, I thought about CPR. He is an older male blogger (read:40) from Chicago I was talking to in October. It was pretty serious until he sent me pictures of women tied up saying he wanted to do that to me. It involved butt plugs and leather and I freaked. He came to NY and I ignored all his phone calls. He is very prideful and left me a message sounding very hurt. I still feel awful about it. Anyway, I lay down and start drafting an apology letter in my head. Then, I start pseudo-dreaming...like, I'm not asleep but I'm not awake. I'm sitting at my computer drafting the letter the I start dreaming of Blair. I knock on his door in some really cute boots and dress. He's wearing some sweats and a wifebeater. Before he can say anything I start kissing him. I pass right by him and go to his room. When he comes inside, I start beating him up. Did I mention he's 6ft3, 250 pounds? He overpowers me, places my hands above my head, kisses me, and lifts my dress up. I'm not wearing underwear.

My dream shifts to the first guy I ever made out with. I was 13. (I'll tell the whole story later...) He was 6ft6 and in the 250-300lb range. A football player from the smallest town ever in South Carolina. We're kissing again and he lifts me up and its Aussie. He lays me on a bed and starts going down and then its Dame. Dame and I are cuddling and he's telling me he hopes I won't hurt him. I'm back in Blair's bed. Memories of certain situations are playing in my head.

I'm tossing and turning and that's when I do it. I have a bad habit of grinding my teeth when I'm stressed or upset except my wisdom tooth - the gums around it- have been swollen for a few days. I feel myself bite down hard. The pain wakes me up and the entire left side of my face tenses up. I jump up and go to the bathroom. Anbesol and excedrin. Anbesol makes it worse. I lay down. I feel like someone is reaching through my gums and squeezing my head in their fist.

I take a drink. I've got some peach rum in the kitchen.

More excedrin. Usually works like a charm.

Nope. I am praying and writhing in pain. The fist released my head.
Probably shouldn't be drinking, I think. I can't die from od'ing on pain meds and Bacardi. My mom would be disappointed. My house is a mess!

More excedrin. The pain is subsiding. Oops! Haha..it was just playing. Its back. I feel like someone has punched me in the fast repeatedly in the same spot. Praying more. Rocking back and forth like a psycho.

Ok, I'll give it til 2am then I'll go to the hospital. Oh yea, no insurance. This is gonna cost $500.

More Anbesol. More pain. Stupid.
More excedrin. More praying.

The pain slowly subsides. Its 2am and I start blogging this.

Its 2:15 now. The pain is so dull, I can probably fall asleep now.

How am I going to get through working all day tomorrow on no sleep? I have to be up at 6:30.

Great.
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L7

So, I'm feeling like a complete loser. I purposefully left weekend plans at a minimum because my mom was to have her knee surgery yesterday. She didn't. The doctor cancelled 5 hours before due to a family emergency. So, ever since I was saying...let's go out to all my friends...

No one was really biting.I really wanted to do something straight because yes, I do want to date people and I'm not going to meet them at balls. So, whatever, all day Saturday, I'm texting my straight girl friends to go out..all 2 of them.

They're kinda playing me to the left. Finally, BFF says yes at 6:30. She was on her way home, needed to shower. Our high school friend En was going to go out on the Lower East Side and invited her out. I was game. She would call me at 7:30. 8pm, I call her. Her ex-husband is in DC and wanted her to see him tomorrow. He was buying her ticket. She was booking her transportation.

I kept asking, what time, what plans specifically.

At 9ish, she says...oh well...I have to get up early because I need to get to DC by noon to spend the day with ex-hubby. My dad wants to go out to dinner. If you come, he might pay for half of your meal.

WHAT???????????

I was pissed! I want to cut loose! I want to drink and talk openly about what's going on. I haven't really SEEN her. Why would I go to dinner with her and her dad?

I don't think that's something I want to do, I say as calmly as possible.

Well, I'm hungry and I want to go eat. (BFF says) Let me hit the shower and call you back.

Must be a long shower because its an hour and a half later and no call yet!

I'm trying not to be mad but I really am because I just don't think it's right. Needless to say, everyone else pretty much didn't answer their phones except those who don't have money. I'm just laying on my couch in the dark twitting and blogging like a loser on a Saturday night.

Interviewing for new friends because I refuse to have the spring/summer be like this. Oh hell no! Inquire within. 3 requirements: have disposable income, be sane, be upbeat.
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childhood memories pt 2

now to counter that negative story i told...

this is not a childhood story, but it was the first happy memory that popped in my head.

when i was in college, i played rugby. these girls were tough as nails. some were skinny skinny and could tackle a girl my size. after we played a game..we would have a party at the captain's campus apartment and there would be beer and chips. the boys rugby team would come over along with our opponents. it was so much fin. mind you, it was just me and one other black chick there all the time..out of like 50 people. lol. we would make whoever scored a try in the game drink out of some random shoe...they would put beer, spit, pubic hair, boogers, and whatever else..one time whipped cream in the shoe and they would have to drink it. it was disgusting. good thing i was in the scrum, aka, defense. it was my job to tackle people..yay! (can you imagine, out of all that came this girl who wears make-up everyday and 5 inch heels and all this? crazy...)

the last game/party we had. it rained really bad and there was geese poop everywhere. we were all covered in mud. i never drank beer but they gave me some vodka and i was tipsy. it was a rare sunny day in new england! woo hoo...we had this game where it was like baseball but you have to twirl around 10 times...they throw a ball at you and you have to hit it then run around the bases. who was up to bat? me.

all i remember was twirling. throwing the bat as the ball hit me in the forehead and then i ran, told this dude on the team he was a giant as i fell down in the grass.

it was the best day i ever had in college. lol

childhood memories

when i was 9, my dad got really sick. kidney disease runs in my family. he had a stroke while they were doing a procedure and the left side of his body became paralyzed. he befriended a man who helped him out a lot. he let me man come in the house and watch tv with him or sit in the yard and they would talk. i hated this guy. he was creepy. he always stared at me. i always felt like he was watching me to keep an eye on me for my dad but it felt like something more. one day, my dad was outside and the guy came in to use the bathroom. it was a saturday, i remember. my mom was out grocery shopping and i was still in the bed with my room door closed. he opened the door and was staring at me. i acted as though i didn't see him. i was terrified. i knew that he was going to do something to me. before he walked all the way inside, my father came in the house and was like wtf are you doing? he said he'd only been standing there for a minute and that it was an accident. i never saw him after that in my house or with my dad but i saw him around the neighborhood and he would always be watching me.

that's why i have a problem with people staring at me. i feel like creeped out and like they're about to do something to me. not sexual, but cause some bodily harm. it doesn't matter if it's a girl or guy.

Bowl of Randomness

so...i'm thinking of giving up a lot of things in my life.

i love my other blog but swagg b is pissing me off. everything he posts about is kanye or kim kardashian and i swear it's like...the world is so much bigger than that.

he's like...well that's what's poppin in the streets.

ugh!

i think i'm just sick of gay culture...gay men..sometimes its just too much.

it's wednesday.

wednesdays are real evil for me anyway. when the exhaustion sets in...

my eyes are hurting...i feel like they are going to pop out of my head. like for real...

i feel like this life i lead i mediocre and i'm trying to do something about it. pray for me because people are like crabs in a freakin barrel for real.

i don't want to work 7 days a week because let's face it. this job sucks monkey balls. it's not worth my sanity. it's not worth me killing myself.

isn't it illegal to make someone do that???

my friend isis got engaged. watch the tyra show on monday to see it go down...she showed me her vagina, too...lol...don't ask.

that's it for now.

these posts feel like lil wayne wrote it.

A-Hole!

Me: I'll meet you on 23rd and 8th in 10 minutes

J: What's there?

Me: Petland Discounts. I want to get a fish

J: Oh Lord!

Me: What?

J: I hope its the kind you eat because I can't deal with another Nina Pet Crisis...72 hour puppies and things...

Me: shut up!

J: I just can't take it!

Me: a-hole...lol...(Yes, I said A-hole)
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So...

I have a job for now.

I'll get a call tomorrow and be told my fate.

My friend, isis is in town for a few days. Her bf is gonna do something big tomorrow...excited. Hateration has started already.

Hmmmm....

I am so protective of my friends, I want to rub out the person talking ish.... But, I can't and I won't. They're strong enough to handle it.
My bro - faux bro- placed his hands on my face and kissed me on the forehead. He's sooooo good. If I were attracted to him, I would so date him and be with him. He's with Isis and he treats her like a goddess and she deserves that.

Arrrgh. I wish certain people didn't read this.

Most often, I use this space to be honest with myself...but 7500 hits later, I feel like full disclosure is expected. But I want to talk abt it but I want to tell so and so, et al to close their eyes....

Now I've made a big fuss so its like anticipation of what I'm going to say. When its really just 2 words..

-I'm ------.

Its not pregrant, horny, hungry (but that,too), sad, depressed, or any of that. If you figure the what the word is, I'll give you a big wet kiss or ummm, maybe not...lol.

Can you tell I'm tired and my mind is rambling? Oh well...not too much from you, YW! Lol...I know..I know...oh wellsies...
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dude...

i had to ask g today to stop telling me crap about lp..because she's gonna make me cuss and smack her down.

firstly...
this year has been one of the most painful in my life..
1. i fought tooth and nail to get a promotion
2.i was demoted...
3. i was demoted with a 45% pay cut
4. i was forced to get a 2nd job
5. now, i'm being forced to work 7 days a week

this is just professional things...

lp got her pay cut 10% and has to work 3 days in the call center which moves her out of her nice office...and she's complaining to me.

i was like, yo..g..if she comes to me one more time to say something, i'm going to go to someone who is paralzyed from the waist down and complain about my feet hurting.

i remember the sermon for sunday before last..God said love them in spite of...love from a distance looks like love up close...and i'm working on it.

but, i tell you! i want to get country and slap her down!

"plow the road!," as my auntie would say.

(which basically means...beat it!)



to make matters worse: chick is NOT looking for another job...smh

Shiny

I remember 2 years ago, I was apart of the same house as this chick. I was more successful and competed more in the balls than she did but the people in the house praised her more.

They said that I was pretty for a big girl (I really hate that) but she was beautiful. The ideal: light-skinned, long hair, and slim. Yup, they actually said it to me. How crushing is that for someone you considered to be a friend to say that to you?

Anyways...I left and now I'm with people who do appreciate me.

And as I was having another day where I just want to ball up and cry, I saw her. Still beautiful, walking down the street, her hair was perfect, her coat cute and chic, skinny jeans and heels. She was on a date...she had that glow about her...I walked right by her..in my brown sherling that the cleaning lady at my 2nd job called a cat. My hat on covering 2 packs of hair glued in the center of my head. The bags under my eyes showing the effects of sleep-deprivation. She seemed like that shiny Barbie doll that you always beg your parents to get for you but they don't.

Except, sometimes I want to be her...

The outside is so nice. People fall all over her.

But she's 26 and she depends on other people to pay her bills and do things for her. She wears fake eye lashes everyday. She doesn't have half of what I have but....today...it felt like being kicked when I was down already.

I wanted to be the girl in heels and the cute coat and the long hair with the somebody holding my hand. I wanted to be the shiny one for a change.

I'm down but not out...I know that I'm being shaped for something miraculous. I can't wait to get home to spend some QT on my knees with God.
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Natural Blues

so...good news and bad news...

bad news:
my part time job supervisor gave me a heads up i might be getting fired tomorrow. the only way i can save my job is by working 7 days a week 6pm to 10pm. my 9 - 5 job ends april 19th...this means that for a month, i'll be working 7 days a week, 80 hours a week. after then, i'll be working 20 hours a week. that's IF they give me the option to do that...my chest hurts...

good news:
my sister is out of the hospital. she calls it her miracle. she had people everywhere praying for her and i'm so so so happy she's doing better. there's still a ways to go until she's 100%..she'll probably will never be 100% and i still have to find a way to get to her..maybe working 7 days a week will help...thank you for all your prayers and well-wishes! i found 2 old friends agan, 1- sm, she was 3 years older than me..but it was the difference between being a senior in high school and being a sophomore. she was weird and quirky like me and her boyfriend was SOOOOOOOOOO cute! we lost touch after she graduated high school, naturally...but she foud me on fb. another friend, md, was my ace in college. talking to her made me feel so...eh about my life. she's been to cambodia, africa, thailand, new zealand...and she's currently living in australia. but, she's coming home next month.so...yay!


but ya'll what is i'm gone do?????? any suggestions will be helpful.

Another Trophy, Less Money, More Questions

(written on Sunday)

So.....

I won. The competition on Saturday.

Lol.

It was funny...there were like 2 girls there. They saw me in the bathroom and they didn't compete. I was upset. Like....that was lame. If I saw Tyra Banks in the bathroom about to compete...oh, Tyra's gonna go down. So...I kinda just walked out there and the crowd kinda clapped and the judges liked it and I won.

The look: Huge Mohawk, with a 30 inch braid in the back...chains around my neck...white wifebeater split down the middle, red lace bra, black vinyl pencil skirt, 5 inch heels...the edgiest I've been!

(these are not the best pics but my camera cord is hiding from me...all i can post for now and of course the pics will be taken down soon)

It was a good moment for my "career." But, I woke up this morning with so many questions. I think I might just leave it alone. I don't know why I do it anymore. I didn't feel excitement. I feel unfulfilled in my life. I work so hard. In everything. I work for what? I compete for what? I've thrown away so many trophies and spent the money and it gained me?

The money I spent turned out to be more than I bargained for so the money I gained really didn't mean anything.


This means nothing to me anymore.

But, I've built this image. I've built this stature for myself that means nothing in the real world and I can't leave it. It was something so liberating and now it has trapped me. Kind of like stripping...lol

I don't know. My friends that do it are all so INTO it that they can't hear me when I say its not as fun anymore. The ones that don't do it don't respect or understand why I got involved with it in the first place.

What I thought was my passion really isn't anymore. And so I must search for what is...and pursue it.

I've come to the realization that I think out the wrong things and I take my time. Taking your time is a good attribute but I feel like I need to DO...of course, in a responsible manner.

I twitted this: Am I brave enough to change my life?

Guess I'm on a journey...

Philly>Trenton>Newark>Brooklyn

This weekend is shaping up to be adventurous. Chris orchestrated a nice surprise visit/dinner for Liz's birthday. It was delicious.

We ate and boogied at Swanky Bubbles, dancing and non-stop laughs. I met Chris' best friend, Jon and a bunch of Liz's friends and fam. The food was good...conversation was nice, and the fondue was yummy! It made me realize how shy I am in social situations with new people. This is a new revelation. I was never like that. I think its because I work ALONE in a cube...both jobs, 64 hours a week. Social skills need polishing...

Liz looked great! She had on her 4inch heels but ultimately kicked them off to dance and bug out with me and her friend D...who is NUTTY MCNUTTY!

Liz doesn't want to admit it but I'm taller! Its MY blog..I tell the truth...lol. I was on my tip-toes a lot to talk to people.

We went back to their house in an undisclosed NJ location (lol - not sure if they want you to know where they reside...) and
I really like their house! Its cozy and comfortable. I swear I want to steal half of Liz's shoe closet and her dressing area, too. Too bad her feet are hella small and you can't take parts of a building! *grr! Shakes fist to the sky*

We watched The Chapelle show...which was hilarious, of course, but made me sad because really- Dave Chapelle- what are you doing with your life?!

After, Jon, Liz, and Chris played guitar hero while my eyes were burning and half-way crossing from exhaustion. I'd been up since 6:25am. It was like 3am at that time..

I was out like a light as soon as I said goodnight...how funny is it that my whole body can rest comfortably on a love seat? Lol...

6:25am...my alarm went off on my phone! (Sorry if I disturbed you, John!) I leapt up to turn it off...next thing I remember, Liz was gently shaking me awake. We went to pick up her nephew who is such a cutie pie...and then she took me to Trenton to catch the train to Newark, NJ. It was perfect timing because the next train was coming in 3 minutes...

Wait! Why was the ticket agent DONE - full face of make-up...at like 9am? And why did I feel like a hobo? Lol

The next step is getting my hair done..and hopefully winning some money tonight at this ball...I need to win.

All in all, thanks guys for having me! Chris was funny...although he can destroy me with his mind. Liz is lovely...as always. Jon is funny, cute, and tall...(Lol) while, I'm still a weirdo...

Stay tuned!!!

P.S. I've been on this train for like 45 minutes just dreaming of a sausage biscuit for McDonald's, afraid to go to sleep because I have no idea where I am....

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Jesus Freak

Yo, stress is gangsta! It makes you kill yourself silently...

So, we all know that I have the competition on Saturday. My mom's birthday is today. She's having knee surgery on the 27th. My aunt whom I dislike strongly is coming to town to help her for a week. My oldest sis is fighting for her life in Bermuda and preparing to go out there relies heavily on cash I don't have and just the stresses of regular life have been weighing heavily on my shoulders. Swirling through my mind, I have not been able to think of anything else but money and my skin...and how everything will come through. The hardest thing to do, most times is let go and let God, as they say.

I had a crazy headache all week...I'm sure I gave myself a couple of wrinkles and gray hair.

My smile was pretty much, non-existent...which if you've met me...I'm all about the smile. It breaks up the serious NewYorker face permanently etched onto my SKIN! lol

I prayed to God all day yesterday..sporadically..when an issue popped up in my head..I prayed. My skin...I love my skin and it seemed like it was betraying me. I prayed. I planned to drink 16 glasses of water...I got up to 10 and my stomach starting cramping so bad....I was drinking it back to back to back...not good.

I woke up this morning and every part of my face is clear...except my chin, but it's relatively a non -issue.....I called my mom and sang to her, Happy Birthday. I was running late and had to pick up my sweater from the cleaners. She drove me unexpectedly. I was bumpin Mali Music...the dude is like a Gospel version of Bilal. Dopeness....

I hopped on the train, transferred to another and waited 20 minutes!!!! When I got on the Q this morning, it was so crowded..I was literally crammed in between people to where I couldnt hold on to anything but I didnt fall because we were all packed in tightly. THAT my friends, is the genuine NY experience...

All the while, bumping my Mali Music...it was funny and not annoying as I'm sure other people felt.

I got to work and sat down with my banana, Snapple Peach Tea, and bagel..like I do every morning and felt an overwhelming joy from the Lord. Like...the weight is off of my shoulders. I'm smiling...even at obnoxious white chick.

I'm on my 4th glass of water...lol...gotta get that chin together...lol...

God is good, folks!

Be blessed! :-)

Comfort

I spoke to my sister and she sounded normal...annoyed at being poked at randomly and the constant drip of the IV. I've missed the sound of her voice - always sure of herself, confident, smooth. I always wanted the Bermudian accent. A hint of the English accent with something else. She explained to me her ordeal but glossed over treatment. She's had cysts on her kidneys since she was 16. Some were soft. Some were hard. They never posed a threat. Last year, her blood count was low and she began taking daily injections without confiding in any one. The cysts burst causing severe pain in her lower back and stomach. She told me that my niece (who is 20yrs old) just had a baby. Everyone's disappointed but he's such a cutie. She asked about my job. She told me I should go for my CPA. She's been a banker for 25 years...She sounded disappointed I didn't finish school. She told me I should be traveling and not working so hard. I told her I wanted to move away from this city. NYC is really awful. She told me about her recent missionary efforts in Namibia and her spiritual daughter there. She talked about the bush where she went in Africa. She says she misses NYC and wants to visit.


I told her I would try my very best to get to see her. I will.



She told me she loves me and she believes God will see her through.



I believe her on both aspects of the statement.
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continued

the last time i went to bermuda, i needed my birth certificate and id..i now need a passport.

$160 for the passport + expedited processing

$380 for the ticket to go...

i still haven't heard my sister's voice except for what's on her voicemail. how silly is it that i found her on facebook today. i feel disgusted that it has taken this for me to reach out to her. to them, my forgotten family across the ocean.

i just want to know for sure, it will be ok.

trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding....

i'm trying.

badnews

my oldest sister is dying.

the same disease that my dad had: kidney disease.

i have no words...i'm just....

numb.

it all falls down

should change my name to ground
the way i let you walk all over me
and when does tired street
intersect with sick blvd
leading down avenues
and attitudes of

not giving a shit anymore

i am banging at the door of your heart
begging for you to

listen Listen LISTEN

to me.

i am standing on the brink of hope and indifference
i am drowning in this
abyss of loneliness
begging for you to be there.

and i am seeing you
in the glare of flourescent light

making each flaw
each break
each tear
each lie
each puzzle piece

fall at my feet...

an i am finally strong enough

to walk away.

11/16/2007

random poem#2

i wish i could give you
keys to my dreamland
fall asleep
and find you
there
waiting
for me under the covers of our subconscious
laying next to you
i close my eyes
and truly close my eyes
knowing i am safe.

2/24/07

untitled

(i also found a whole book of poems dedicated to afroman)

(i wrote this when we first got together but didnt really call it a relationship...this was after YEARS of flirting and college and just circumstances keeping us apart)

you are like fresh air
I inhale you into drowning lungs

you revive me. entice me. tease me.
into paradise unknown

circle.s.
we run. we walk. we crawl.
cyclical.
cynical. am i?
really falling
in love
with you?

this platonic romance.
this untitled mastperpiece.
of bliss.
of analysis.

of thoughts that
cannot form.
words that have not been created.
of emotions that entangle and attach
themselves to you.
and to me.

do not let me thnk with my heart
do not allow fantasies to fill my head
with its
do not let me play the fool
for wondrous love.

it's too late
the shadows have taken form
there is no black or white

just the gray area

where we live.
written 12/08/2006

Open Your Eyes

(I promised militant poetry...)

I wanna write a poem that stimulates minds
that goes with the times
cause i'm a plastic spoon
trying to be a silver knife
to cut thru red tape
& show active hate
& how we still have
a
kkk, cia, and an fbi
but, damn, has anyone seen
the
bla, bpp, or the young lords**

and we support presidents & call them
black to
glorify their erections
and how about those texans, promotin mass misconceptions
whio give tax cuts to the rich and famous
some die with a name. we gone die nameless...
like our ancestors
when in amerikkka, the only trickle down theory is
slavery


so yea,
i wanna write a poem that doesnt look too kind
on having a black body
white mind
cause i wanna trace my roots
to teach the youth
but our chapter ends @ the middle passage

my people, we sitting here laughin..
cause we point 1 finger
but 3 are staring back at us
do we still believe in God we trust?
when we're faithless
faceless to this system
willie lynch predictions
still livin

our complaceny is a great mystery to me
{[parts indecipherable]
i wrote this poem to stimulate minds
so wake up my sleeping warriors
smell the roses
open your eyes!

**written in 2005
**BLA- Black Liberation Army, BPP - Black Panther Party

Weekend ReCap

Friday night was hilarious...STD's aside...it was the first time debuting Betty (my wig) and they all loved it. Lol

Saturday...I hung out with Twin getting my stuff together for this ball...I'm excited and stuff but there's a weird collection of bumps on my cheek, chin, and neck. Either its my eczema flaring up or an allergic reaction. Hopefully, it clears up...I'm supressing a freak out. Twin and BFF are the only ones that call me out on my crap so hanging out with him was hilarious and educational in a way that only a gay man can make it so. We went to Canal St which is rewarding and infuriating. I picked up some spring essentials - huge sunglasses that cover half my face! Lol. Got home and I watched some movie...I forget and went to sleep.

Sunday...went to the 9am service and saw some faces I WANTED to see. Realized kids I used to see running around are now 17 year old,5"8, 185 pound football players and are taller than me - yes, all of them...ummm...yea. Lol


Got home. Drained. BFF slept on my couch for 2 hours before changing my lightbulbs for me. One more and I would've been completely in the dark :-)

Funny!
BFF were driving us to her house after church, before we got to mine. This car pulled up next to us. These two guys were in the car. They were insisting she roll down the window.

Both of the dudes were fiiiiiine.

BFF was like..."Oh Jesus," to me.

She rolled down the window.


"Where you going?" she asked. (Side note: BFF is country and is very nice.)
"Church," he smiled - oh his smile!!


"Praise God!" she rolled up the window and sped off.

"Nina, that was nothing but the Devil sending caramel chocolate boys our way. He had the nerve to have a friend!"

"BFF, I thought that was God providing..."

"Oh girl, shush..."

"He was fiine though. Too bad I'm dating ugly boys from now on!"

Lmao.

BFF put me on to some cool new Gospel music. Gotta do a post about it soon.

BFF came over later and cooked after going home. Who makes spicy spaghetti. Idk. We watched Watchmen on bootleg. Pretty good. Went to sleep and became the hamster on the wheel again.

Weekends are never long enough!

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Friday Nights are for...

I was dying at work. My boss caught me a few too many times on gchat, reading blogs, goofing off...and gave me a heap of work to do. My hands are all papercut up and I'm not feeling it at all.

It was Gi's Bday Celebration drinks at a local bar. I went and had a Malibu and Pineapple. After that, it was Shirley Temples... I wasn't trying to be drunk because 1. I never get drunk. 2. Doesn't jibe with my spirituality, 3. Drinks are $10-13 a pop and 4. I have an aversion to drinking water. Consuming alcohol drives you straight to a well...ick! Lol

I left and went to another birthday celebration for my gay neice (don't ask) and my ex roomie. I laughed and laughed. I found out 2 of my friends are HIV+. That brings the total to 8 close people to me. The thought of it is just soooo...it makes you angry because you're like "Why weren't you safe, you idiot!" Then you're like, "Ok, its not the end of the world. You're not dead." And you want to grab 'em and hold 'em and go through it with them. I'm just thinking I need to get tested. Colored women are the #1 carrier of the disease, last I checked. The last time I got tested, it was a year ago. Its time.

I'm exhausted.

My night was a lot more fun. That's the last thing we talked about and so its on my mind. I haven't forgotten to post my militant poetry. Soon come...
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Fruits of the Spirit

BFF and I had a talk last night. I was really feeling some type of way toward her and hadn't spoken to her in 2 weeks. I really just needed to hear her voice and get over what was troubling me. It was so inconsequential compared to the decade of friendship we share. Anyway....she asked me how I was doing. I told her about me going to church last week.

She was shocked to say the least. She was like, "You used to flinch when you heard the name 'Jesus' and you went to church? Praise God! I know it was because you were hurt. God is good."

We talked further and she told me about her sacrifice for lent: no facebook, myspace, tv, internet-surfing, blogs, alcohol or bread.

Whoa.

We talked about church and the difference between when we were 17 and now. She talked about her walk with God and its funny how we're both going in the same direction, although she's further than me, I think.

I told her that I think we have similar problems. BFF, by nature, is very extreme - she's all or nothing, like for real. If she's in church, she's in nothing but. If she's not, she's committing all the sins..lol(I kid..she's not killing or stealing, practicing beastiality or homosexuality..but you get what I mean...). That was kinda my impression. The more I grow, the more I realize the true nature of deception.

The church I went to growing up was very surface. The outer man looked very catechised in the wisdom of the doctrine. The inner man was still very much unscathed. Everyone wore their sanctity on their sleeve.

So, I grew up thinking to be godly, I had to have the skirts to the ankle and shout and dance when I was really just praying to get out of my heels.

I ran into BFF on our way to work one day and she was like...you're glamorous at 8 o'clock in the morning. Ugh! I can't stand you. I don't know what the conventional thoughts of glamour surround, but I wasn't trying. I will say that if I subscribed to the doctrine of some churches that say you can't have a perm, wear make-up, only opaque stockings..I would be miserable. I am quite aware that the image you project affects the people around you and while I could have God in my heart and I wear a mini skirt with 5 inch heels, God will not be the first thing a man sees in me when he looks at me. But, Liz and I were talking last week and a point came up that man has used the Bible to enslave people, genders, and pretty much whatever people have wanted it to mean. It is a lie. Love of Christ is about freedom from sin and redemption from the dark and ugly things we do.

I suppose, there will be a lot more posts like this in the future with me just thinking and meditating. I'm re-reading parts of the Bible because I really want to change from the inside out. My outer-man is ok but my inner-man was dying and it was spilling out all over this blog.

This morning, I read Galatians 5 with the fruits of the flesh and the fruits of the spirit. Give it a gander. Lol. Actually, BFF read it to me at midnight and I was half-sleep. I woke up really wanting to read it again.

16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17 For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery 20 Idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 And envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness 23 Gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. (NIV) —Galatians 5:16-23

I'm definitely a work in progress....just dealing with my fits of rage alone...lol
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so...

I apologize for the last post...Yes, it was everywhere...but, you know..it's reality...Hopefully, this post doesn't seem like that! (lol)

I feel bad that I forgot to bring with me, my books of poetry from when I was a lil militant-minded. After reading Mr.Socialight's post...I felt compelled to give you something....(also posted on fb, if it seemse familiar)

i fear the sound of
my own voice
as it swims in my head
beating down on my heart
washing itself on my brain
and as it spills from my lips onto this page
i fear even more

not truly being heard.

sometimes..

you just gotta laugh at life....

i made a sale today for $1000.
i thought..great, i can chill for the rest of the day, which i proceeded to do.
1 hr 1/2 later, close to the end of my short shift...the person called back to cancel.

i was hurt.

i was venting to liz.
i was playing scrabble online. the person played a word for like 60 points.

upset.

i was stretching my leg..i woke up this morning and my right thigh hurts.

i kicked off my computer.

i wore a sweaterdress because at job #1, i sit right under a vent and am shivering all day. at job #2 , they decided to put the heat on...even though its 50 degrees outside. i was sweating...

i was like...lord help me laugh at this...cause i want to cuss.

i went for a little stroll, i saw some promotional t-shirts and kindly helped myself to one. it was one of my good friend's birthdays today..she was really touched at the gift i got her - i try to give from the heart. she felt loved...

i looked at myself...thank GOD i put on leggings (i was too lazy to look for my stockings..) and i laughed.

i'm breaking one of my cardinal rules...leggings are not pants. sat, my wig cocked to the side looking crazy for sure..and decided to put on some make-up. yes, at 9pm..because...sometimes...you just gotta...

put it all in stride...

lol

Superior GChat Moments Today!


me: soooooooooooo yw!
yw: what's up
me: nuttin
lol
just wanna bother u
yw: lol
idle
lol
me: me 2!
so yes...
yw: yeah, i was talking about you
lol
me: oh
lmao
smh
yw: lmao

me and liz

me: the last concert i went to was prince...(dont laugh)
Liz: i actually think Jill scott was the last
me: and i still had an afro
Liz: I HEART PRINCE
me: that was how long it was..
Liz: i am jealous
me: i like prince
there were some die hard fans there
and i was a bit scared
lol
it was a free concert in bryant park, nyc..it started at like 7am..me n alicia, bff, were there at like 3am
Liz: lol
true
i would have been there too
cuz i loves me some prince
with his little self
me: haha!
women were like..i'd do him
i was like..clearly..the sexuality is ambiguous
what about that is sexy to you?
Liz: lol
i dunno
me: lol
Liz: he has the je ne sais quoi
me: oh, liz!

Liz: he just is dammit
me: don't tell me...
i cant even type it...
Liz: listen... he could get it with his high-heeled boots
lol
and everything
me: omg!
Liz: i think you have to be over 25 to understand
lol
me: he wears clear heels!
Liz: purple rain
me: don't try to pull age on me!
Liz: yes and he press n curls be better than mine
me: i saw the movie...and i love the song
Liz: he looks like he has all types of cotraptions in his house
lol

me: i think we hit a milestone in our friendship..i dont think we can fo back from this
yes...i remember darling nikki
hmmmmmmmmmm.....
Liz: lol
you still love me dammit
me: *go back
of course
all love and jokes
Liz: you're not even curious?
me: i think i would giggleonce i saw his lil chest
Liz: lol @ lil chest
i would giggle
but he would probably have your ass in check
me: wow...you've given it thought
Liz: he just look like he would be like shut up bitch
lol
me: oohhh
i would have to see how he kisses
if he cant kiss
game over
and he would have to have "pussy control"
Liz: uhm he has a song but that title
you do know this right
me: that's why i put itin quotes
Liz: *by not but
me: *it in
Liz: lol
ok
i thought so but had to make sure...
me: have a lil faith in me....
Liz: you know small people are angry
lol
i think he is probably a beast in bed
lol
me: omg..i have to stop bursting out in spontaneous laughter
sadly, we would never know
you just know how some men are like...pillow princesses
like...do everything for me bc i'm sooo fine
Liz: hahahaaa
true
but he seems more freaky then prissy to me...
me: not prissy, i meant lazy...
Liz: yeah that would be wack
however in my prince world he is not like that
lol
the world in my head

me: does he have chest hair
??
in your prince world
Liz: yeah
but i don't think it's taco-meat-ish
lol
me: ewww
does he perm it too
lol
Liz: lol
no!
you stop disrespecting my prince dammit
me: i apologize
i sorry i sorry
hehe
you laughed though
Liz: how would you like it if i was talking about common letting erykah do homo things to him?
you wouldn't
lol
i did laugh
but it's ruining my image of him a sexual elite
me: oh my gawwwd!
that's just wrong
how can you even equate common and prince?
Liz: LOL
cuz
me: you cant
Liz: i can and did!
ha!
me: doesnt make it right
Liz: lol
me: lol
Liz: end jutifies the means
me: besides, common....his sexuality is not ambiguous
Liz: it was when he was wearing knit pants and shyt
me: i think i could see rick james being a lil...eh
Liz: erykah had him out there
me: she did
which proves that his sexuality was in tact
he did it for his woman
Liz: rick james has definitley tasted a wang in his day
with his glitter lip gloss
lol
me: omg!!!!
"tasted a wang"
i'm done!
Liz: i'm saying
lol
me: i lost all concentration
Liz: haha

I Will NOT Lose!

(This is not a post trying to fish for compliments or sympathy. I need to vent...)

I haven't competed in the balls that I do for about 6 months.

It has a lot to do with money...the make-up, the heels, the clothes, its really involved and I just haven't had it to compete.


More than that (and this is going to sound really arrogant...I apologize in advance...), in my arena - big girls beauty - I've beaten everyone.
I've had 0 competitive edge.
I've been feeling like...what's the point. Its like playing the Knicks over and over again.

I was really upset I didn't get to go to DC this weekend to compete, as quiet as its kept. Someone didn't come through for me as they promised - like didn't come through in every way possible. I let it roll off my back because you can't hold grudges, but I will remember to not rely on that person in the future

Anywhosies, there's a ball on the 21st of March. I'm really excited I want to compete. Everyone is making a big deal of it because evidently, some other girl has taken my place and now I have to reclaim my throne.

*gasp*

*insert anxiety attack*

*hold*

*release*

I have to come stronger and different than I have been. Twin wants to edge me up. He wants me to do a whole production, make an entrance and I'm ok with it.

Right?

Right.

So...last night, I decided to take new pics with this new hair I bought on Friday. F.acebook and M.yspace must be updated! I say that only half facetiously.

Anywhosies...I'm taking pictures and I'm critiquing everything about myself. Suddenly, my chin is too big, my skin is not smooth enough...is that a wrinkle? Look at those bags under your eyes! You need sleep! You need water! You look sooo tired.


Notice, I did not plant the seed that I was going to lose. I don't like the fruit it bears. It just means I have to work harder.

I just went to sleep or tried to. I tossed and turned. Why do I even compete? I hate people staring at me. I hate being center of attention. It unnerves me. Because I'm a doofus. I compete because I win. Point blank. I win trophies. I win money. I win respect, recognition, status, and sometimes...intimidation. Haha!

I woke up this morning, still seeing the same things I saw. I scrubbed my face with some minty cleanser which led to me poking myself in the eye with cleanser on my finger. It was great! Told you I was a doofus. Lol

Ahhh...I don't know where I was going with this...I guess everything will be fine. I keep trying to tell myself win or lose, blah blah blah...

But no, eff dat..I WILL NOT LOSE! If in the event I do, I'll make sure I have my finger ready, complete with the minty cleanser on it...just in case. Lmao

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Expectations

She read my entire college essay out loud for the class. I sat cringing in my seat, my face flushed, if not red. When she was done, she looked me square in the face.

"Nina Lastname, you can write, child. If your essay doesn't sound like this, I suggest you start over again."

It was the first time anyone publicly acknowledged my talent like that. This teacher made seniors of one of the toughest high schools in NY cower in fear.

"I will fail you on your final transcript for the college of your choice," her voice would echo into your heart as it beat in fear. BFF did not sleep in order to complete assignments. She was the only senior that ran to school, books on her back, looking like a freshman.

I smiled. I knew I had it in the bag. This teacher would tear your world apart if she had any inkling that you gave her any less than 110% to your work. She would rain random praise on you if she knew you did something well.

In a character essay, another student depicted her as an ogre. She gave her an A, stating it was vivid, imaginative, and well-constructed.

After, I read my poem at graduation, she looked me dead in the eyes. "Ms. XXX, I gave you a 93 in my class. You didn't even try. You will do great things if you leave Mr. Murren alone. You're too good for him. I look forward to your first book. I expect it to be dedicated to me, of course."

6 years later, Mr. Murren and I were engaged twice. The final straw came time and time again. There were other Murrens, 2 years in a school, I will be paying off for the next 10 yrs, no degree and no book. I don't even try to write properly in this space. My mind is so fried from day to day, I haven't written in 2009 yet.

She will be honored in 2 weeks at the school she taught at for 30 years and would love to see me.

Need I say more?
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Quickie Post - How Annoying Are You!?!

So, as I was coming in to work this morning, this dude approached me.

"Sweetie, you are so beautiful. Please tell me what do I have to do to get your number?"

I gave it to him. Although, he was not my type. I figured, why not?

He was 5 ft 7 (read: short) and he looked a bit older.

"I'm a personal trainer at this gym (right next to my job) and I think seeing your pretty face just made my day to help me train these richy richy folks..."

His name was Raheem. He asked how old I was.

"23"

"You don't look a day over 15."

Hmmmm....
(is it me to get weirded out by guys that try to talk to me but remark about how young i look? like...if i look young, why did you try to talk to me...)

This was at 8:30am.

9:28am. I get a call from a weird number.
10:12am. Another call, same number.
12:27pm. Another call
12:46pm. Another call.

I go to lunch at 1pm. I called the number back.

It was Raheem. He picked up the phone saying his name was Mark.

hunh??????

I said...I'm Nina..

I think I have the wrong number. You sound cute. Do you want to talk to me anyway?

No. (obviously annoyed)Why were you calling me so much?

Don't flatter yourself. I got the wrong number, ma!

Whatever. *click*

I had to hang up because I was just sooooooooooooo over it at that point.

like seriously, wtf?

You Can't HANDLE the Truth!

Kappa Guy was relentless in his pursuit this weekend.

I was loving the attention of course, but I'm not the type of girl to lead someone on. Its not fair.

I text him:
I don't think you really like me. I think you want some booty and that's it. Its really okay. I'm just operating in the spirit of honesty.

He said:
Lol, its ok

I said:
Thank you. I guess I will call/text when I want to go down that road. I want to be closer to God. I'm just looking for something with a lil more substance.

He said:
Whoa, I didn't say that I agreed with u. I just thought that u was weird for saying that. I liked that we had a common interest with the writing thing and I was just wishing I had someone who was doing the same thing as I was so I was more motivated.

I said:
Your "conversation" was like 98% sexual...yet I'm supposed to believe you just wanted a writing partner?

He said:
Sorry, I always say stupid stuff like that, it's a habit...lol. But nevermind, I cud see u don't wanna chill like that. It's kool.

Ugh! I hate this text talk...this man was in the top 10 percentile of his class! And he texts like this..boooo!

Secondly, I am weird for saying it but I just don't have an affinity for the game-playing. I have no game. I put everything right out there and maybe that's my problem.

I just think its silly. If its going to be about sex. Let it be about sex. Don't text me to death about how my day is when you just want me to pencil you in for doggy at around 10.

Speaking of...I was cleaning out my night stand and I picked up a baggy full of condoms. I almost shed a tear. It was under a box of makeup that I have used in months...I checked the expiration dates on them just for dramatic purpose.

But, ummmm and I total loser or what??
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The Date I Couldn't Break

I went to church today for the first time in 3 years.

The notion of going was really ummm...scary?


Not sure if that was the right word. But...

I woke up and looked at the clock...8am. Eh...I could sleep a little more. I woke up again it said 9:39am.
At the same time, someone called me. I looked at my phone. 10:39am?

What!?!

Service starts at 11am.

I turned on the radio - what us cable-less folks do.

Politics...politics..blah blah...

I only listen to WCBS- AM. Let me get up and shower just in case. I get back...politics....blah blah It's Daylight Savings Time, everybody...wha???!????

Its 11am..I'm rushing around the house. I dash. I really like the praise and worship part of church. That's my favorite part.

I get there just as the preacher stepped to the pulpit to deliver the message.

Let me say this...this church was affiliated with the one I left a while ago. They believe in express service. There's a 9am and 11am service. If you go to the 11am service, you're out by 1. At 11:40, he was preaching...so...there ya go.
Anywhosies...the message was about confrontation. It came from Matthew 18:15-17.

(Here are my notes from the service)
Everyone loses if you win the argument but you lose the relationship.

Don't air your issues with people who have nothing to do with it.

Our attitude must remain in a spirit of caring.

Sometimes you need a referee...
1. Must be spiritually mature - must understand what God says
2. Must be prayerful and not gossipers
3. Must be able to correct you and you listen

This doctrine is the basis of church discipline. Discipline is aligning someone in the way they should go not grabbing them and slamming them...

Anytime you have 1 member the church is imperfect. There will always be issues if you have people because people are imperfect.

We need to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable

Today I decide to stop chasing skinny rabbits. Stuff that doesn't matter I'm leaving alone.

When presenting your facts about a disagreement...use
SBI
Situation - leave out your feelings.
- I walked in the room
Behavior - this is the behavior I
saw.
- this is what I observed
Don't judge their motives
I don't have the ability to judge motives.
Impact - not that it had on you but on me
-no accusing,

So...its the end of the message and he calls those who are unsaved to the altar. Then he calls those who have backslidden. Then he calls those who have left and are finding their way back to God. He says that he knows that there are those who have been hurt by church and church people but God is calling you today. He's calling you because He loves you. You've walked away from God but he's right here waiting for you.

And I just felt compelled to go to the altar. I took 2 steps and was bawling...I was crying so hard, he was asking me questions I couldn't speak. My throat was hurting. It was crazy. I'm not an emotional person to be crying in public.

He was like. I know you. I said, yes, you know my mother, Min. XX XXXX from CIF Church. He was like "Praise God...the last time I saw you you were off to college and now you've come back full circle." He hugged me so tight and I was crying even harder.

He prayed for me and I just wanted to fall into a little ball.

Then some minister lady took me into a room, had me fill out a form, read some scripture with me and prayed with me.

I went back to the main church and I saw some familiar faces.

This chick Shina...omg...she was such a nasty person. I worked with her until she got fired. She was like..Oh I was praying for you. I was like..Heffa don't lie, in my head. I was like..oh thanks...good to see you. Gotta go! I ran into my cousin. He was really the only one I was genuinely happy to see. His mom was there. She was like, "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" I was looking at her like....I haven't spoken to you in 6 years! I ran into this guy Mike. I used to babysit his kids. He taught me how to drive. His son is just as tall as me now. It was weird. My cousin introduced me to his lady friend. She's so cute. They say she's met me before. Mike was like...you probably knew her as a kid. She's so adultish now. Lol

Then, I ran into this girl. She was the closest thing to a big sister I've ever had. I loved her so fiercely. I'm not sure what happened but we just parted ways.
Everyone was looking at me. Mainly, because I know I've changed. Not just in appearance, my whole demeanor is different. I'm a lot stronger than the kid they knew.

They had a lot of questions. I didn't want to answer them so, I was like...good seeing you guys. Gotta go! I don't want people in my business like that.

That's my new thing until I can wrap my head around what's going on...no close personal relationships with co workers or at church. It gets to be too much. I don't want to get entangled in politics. I've just been gossiped about too much. It kills your spirit. That's why I've been blogging a lot more. All that alone time makes you think.

I go to work. I speak to everyone. I do my work. I go to lunch alone. I come back. I finish my day. I go to my 2nd job.

I want the same thing. I go to church. I get the word. I speak. I go home.

Of course..its not going to be that way because people have questions. People have curiosities. I just want to take baby steps.

The girl who prayed for me asked me if I wanted an accountability partner. Someone in church who can help you stay on track when you feel your faith wavering.

I politely declined.


The only person I can be accountable to right now is God.

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Where Are Your Parents, Pt 2?

So, I was walking out of the train on Thursday. It was 11pm.
This kid was coming into the train station. Like 10 kids came outta no where and started wailing on him. It didn't look like he was hurt. The attendant called the cops. The kids ran off. He went outside looking for them.

2 seconds later, it happened again. To another kid.

I was very tired and wasn't quite sure if I was seeing things or if it was really happening.

Plus, it was bizarre because I had my iPod blaring Common's new album and was feeling all good on the inside about black men and the sexiness Common holds in just one pinky. Then...boom.

Freaky stuff man.

Immediately though, the iPod went in the pocket and I was highly alert. I'm the same height as those kids. They could easily mistake me for one of their peers. How do I look getting beat up by like 9th graders? Lol

One of the older ladies that was next to me when it happened said it looked they were playing. Poppy cock! When I was 16, I got robbed by 3 people in broad daylight. Yoked up from behind and they ran my pockets. The man who saw it said we looked like we were playing, too.

What I want to know is - what is the definition of playing? Because where I come from, whenever there is any inclination of violence, it was serious. Unless it was dodge ball. We called that reflex training...ha!
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How Do We Know You're not Crazy?

I had the distinct pleasure of meeting with YW and 2 of her friends.

They are amazing!

So, before I could meet them, I almost got hit by a bus to go to the train. Well, the trains weren't running from Utica Ave to Jay St. So,I took another bus...a 15 minute ride took 35. I get on the train to catch another train and I'm freaking out like....Damn! I hate being late. I hate people waiting for me....

To my surprise and delight, they just started shopping before I got there...yay!

YW is so beautiful and sweet as pie!

And she's apart of the short girls crew! Yay!!! She's also a member of the Curvy Girls United movement...I'm so jealous of her small waist and hips! Ugh!

Her friends were hilarious especially "l" who was basically full of random questions....Like...what do you write about on your blog? is it like a daily diary? Well, how do you know she's not crazy, YW? She could have something in her bag!

Hilarity.

The 4 of us turned 34th street upside down. I want to list the stores we went to...but we went everywhere!

Ladies and gentlemen...a milestone!

I bought a dress from Forever 21. Being apart of th CGU movement, you know that certain stores are for accessories only. I block out that they have clothes because I don't even want the inkling to feel guilty about not being able to fit them....but there was one dress...beautiful orange maxi dress.

YW said if it were a Large, she would get it. She's a size smaller than me and so I thought...hell, if it could fit her, why not me? I took the plunge and tried it on. It looked great on both of us- our skin tones are very similar. We had to get it. We trapezed our way further up 34th street to Strawberry which was a bust for clothes. I did buy 2 Converse-type sneakers - they were $10!! This was after YW gave me a look for trying on these killer heels...they were so cute, though..lol. It brings the "flats" count to 5..I have to give up my dirty white Chucks... :-(

We went and got food because seriously, any power shopper knows...you can really shop til ya drop.

I re-discovered the Frosty. YW's friend "I" said that her Chipotle food was too wet. We took pictures in the bottom part of Wendy's that had the most disgusting bathroom and the entire floor smelled like a dirty mop.

"I" wanted to take pictures with a Starbuck's cup in her hand to make the Africans at home jealous..lol...but she settled for pics in front of a Mc Donald's...hahaha....

We tackled Rainbow. YW got some super cute jeans..I bought the same pair of jeans she was wearing...and a long tank so I can feel like a hipster. Lol.

Our feet were hurting so so so so bad. We chilled out in Starbucks for a moment and then bought their tickets back to DC which "I" was trying to pressure me into going back with them...

I really wanted to go but I couldn't. I have plans tomorrow, I just can't break.

All in all, we had soooo much fun...it was like hanging out with an old friend.

Stay tuned...Liz and I are going to road trip it down to DC for a day next month. Yay!!!

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Kappa Guy Makes Another Appearance?

He text me last week. Randomly.

I miss you.

Errrrrppppppp?!

I think I might've text that to him. I've been popping off hard at the mouth lately. Indiscriminately, as well...

And so, during our ladies gchat conference today, I told Liz I wanted to trick someone into taking me out on a date this weekend. (Purely for comic relief- on the tricking part, that is...) He was the first person I thought of. I text him...and flirting ensued.

Ahhhhh...KG, I forgot about you...and your words...

He says all the right things really...

I said:
"Damn you Kappa men. You are so charming! :)"

He said:
"Lol, don't put me in any categories...I cud call u stunning and charming as well ms beauty queen...lol. U cud be trouble... But I like trouble anyway ;-)"

I said:
"My humblest apologies. I don't think I'm stunning so I'd probably just laugh or blush...you don't know if I'm trouble by now? I need to try harder"

He said:
"Lol, I already know u are. U can seduce me like ur gay friends say u do to them. U can talk me out of my pants, I better watch out. One look from those eyes and a switch of that nice ass of yours and im finished... ;-)U'd have me there everyday begging u to let me in...lol."

(Abt a year ago, this gay dude was like he'd hit it. I told him abt it and recently a couple of girls have been coming on a little too strongly)

I said:
"Wow, all of that, hunh? Well...I'm tempted to flex my muscle...but nah...I only use my power for good."

He said:
"Lol, yeah. I better chill before you have my face all up in it lickin ya stuff tonight. My tongue will be full of clit... ;-)."

I said:
"And here I thought it was innocent flirting...fancy that?"

Sometimes a girl needs her ego stroked...4 months without sex, she needs other things stroked, too.


I'll be good. I promise.
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Slow Down Babe...

"Slow down baby. You running too fast. You got your head in the air when your feet on the gas...." - India.Arie

2nd job's computers went down. I couldn't deal, so I left. I was sure I had my iPod...I got 4 blocks down the road to realize...oop! Nope...

That song came to mind.

Did I mention last week. I worked til 10. Checked my bag. No iPod. Checked job #2. No iPod. Took a cab (!!) across town to the daytime. No iPod. I was panicked! I searched thoroughly and it was in my bag! I went into the train station after figuring a cab home would break the bank. The train came. Awesome! Wait...I got on the one going in the wrong direction. (Bollocks!!) Got off the train. Came home super duper mad at myself!

Needless to say, it was a Thursday and I was EXHAUSTED!

Ummmm...................crazy dude who said I wasn't black enough emailed me today.

"Hey. It was nice speaking with you the other day. When will I hear from you again?"

He's whaaaaaack! He's such a lame.

Firstly, WHY must I call you? I'm not into pursuing the fellas. Let me correct that, I'm not into the CHASE. I chased Afroman for 4 years. What an idiot I was!

I will make it known I'm interested. You let me know you're interested. We'll have a mutual understanding and take it from there. I'll put in effort but the moment I feel like there is no compromising EVER, I'm like no mas!

I don't liked to be chased. If I'm not returning calls/e-mails/texts/smoke signals...ummm, yea.

I said all of that to say...(sorry...had to vent)...he wants me to chase him...which would be OK if he gave me an INCLINATION he even LIKED me and my kind..

*grumble grumble*

I mean...I'm not completely sold that I'm not wasting my time.

Also, he scares me. He was talking about "putting me in my place." How I shouldn't behave a certain way with my man.

Umm..I've been "put in my place" before. It got me a swollen eye, a purple bruise on my arm, and a split lip. No mas!

I was 17 and had more sense than Rihanna apparently.

"Girl, you just be walking into situations. Read the roadsigns! You always want to give people a chance! He don't deserve one!" My twin said.

I guess that was him shaking me...lol

Needless to say, this is what I wrote back:

"I don't think you'll be hearing from me again. I'm not sure there is enough chemistry there. At least, not enough to pursue anything further. "

I guess that was very corporate of me. *smh*

I told Twin about my foot predicament...

"You're pitiful. Your feet hurt in flats. They hurt in heels.

Might as well wear heels and be glamorous..."

The gays! I tell you!

Lmao

"There's no one like you, though, I love your crazy ass..."

And you know this...MAYUN! .


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ahhhhh

Before I go further....let me say this...my flat shoes consist of 1 pair of black boots, 1 pair of dirty white converse, 1 pair of brown timbs, and 1 pair of black fuggs (fake uggs for those who aren't familiar).

I have 1 pair of flip-flops for the summer. Even my sandals have at least a lil wedge or something.

My feet are cute. I wear shoes that fit - no supermodel toes here.

But my big toes on both of my feet hurt constantly. It started about a year ago....

Ahh yes! I wore 5 inch heels and was standing in them ALL night. From 10pm to 11am. And ummm, yea, despite the last post...maybe I'm not meant to be "tall."


The pain was dull.

Another pair of shoes, another ball. (Multiply x 10...since...you get the picture)

When did I become this person?

in high school, my highest heels were 2 inches. They were only worn in church or at special work functions. And I kicked them off after an hour, citing cruel and unusual punishment.

Somewhere between 2003 and 2006, the heels became higher and higher until, yes...a month ago I tried on some 6-inchers and looked zexy.

It was the gays!!! They changed me. The more pageants I competed in, the more I won, the higher the heel became.

And I can't stop...oh no I can't stop! (Brief Kanye moment)

The pain on my left foot is shooting up to my mid-calf. Did I mention I'm about to marry someone (anyone!!) for health insurance?

Common sense says to stop...(see 7 lines up)...but ummmm...those choices don't stand up to say...a SNOWSTORM! They're fuggs not the real thing. I think the Timbs are a lil heavy. I've been wearing them for the past couple of days and the pain is there. On Sunday, the black boots were fine.

Get thee to a podiatrist! Stat! I went to one I could afford: G.oogle..


(No I didn't go.ogle a podiatrist...) Dr. G.oogle scared the be-jeezus out of me. It talked about bone deformities, bunions, and all types of craziness...(See earlier in post...I have pretty feet) I might have to shell out funds for a real doctor.

In the meantime, I've been wearing low heels (3 inches, tops) at work everyday. I thought chunky heels would help better than a stiletto because there's more support but...NOPE!

So...I do what I can until a better option comes along. In the meantime...anybody looking for a wife...???

(only half-joking...)

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Short n Tall

I'm short

I'm short on height, on sleep, on patience, on inspiration to write, on attention span, on free time, on ME-time, on tolerance for people who are loud, on people who MUST speak loudly all day - really do I HAVE to hear your voice non stop for 7 hours? Don't you get a headache from talking all day? on the ability to just make conversation with random strangers in public (sorry BFF...but no!), on a sense of direction MOST times, on money (just thought I'd throw that one right on in...)

I'm tall in bravado. I'm shy as all hell but let me good my foot in the door good...oh, I won't be shy anymore! I'm tall...in love...love for friends, yes even the harlot I talked about post before last. Love for new friends. I really believe God places people in your life for a reason. For family. Yes, my mama n 'em is crazy but they remind me I'm not alone. For the little engine inside of me that keeps chug-a-lugging along.

Things are HARD for me. But if I can make it to June! JUNE! I'm gonna name my first daughter, June...lol...if I can make it there...I will be ok, financially. I swear, I'm gonna have a party!

I'm tall in appreciation for the almighty dollar. In the doors it can open for you and in its limitations. How much it takes to make one and how easily it can slip through your fingers like sand.

I'm tall in hope and belief that things happen in due time. The right dude will come along. The right job will come along. The right words will come when they need to. The right circumstances will come. If I hold steadfast to my will and I make them happen, I believe it will.

I'm tall in generosity. If I have a dollar, you can get 50 cents...hell, the whole dollar if I get paid the next day, lol.

I'm tall in the refreshing and everlasting love from God and his renewing forgiveness. I have faith that if I try to reach out to Him, maybe He'll be the first man in my life to meet me half-way.

I'm tall in my belief that love is possible. It may not be the happily ever after version but it is attainable and sustainable.

I am tall in good intention.

I'm tall in compassion for the human condition.

I'm tall in curiosity and my quest for adventure.

I am trying to remember the person I used to be. I am trying to remember the me before the Mr. Phil's and the Afroman's and the Aussie's. I'm trying to remember the me before my father died. I'm trying to remember who I was and who I thought I could be before the little betrayals, the backstabbing, the condemnation, the jealousy, the anger, the resentment and bitterness.

I am trying to forgive.

I am trying to remember the color of the sky before the gray clouds cluttered my vision.

I am breathing fresh new air. Oh yes, I'm breathing deeply. I am rebuilding what they tried to destroy.

I am becoming whole again.

And it is terrifying. It is frustrating. It is daunting and exhausting.

But I am tall.

Today is exactly one month since my birthday. I didn't even realize it until like 2 seconds ago. Yes, God has a plan for me.

I am grateful.
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Blogger BBQ!!

Liz, Young Woman, and I were talking...and we thought it would be great to have a big blogger bbq sometime in the summer. Kind of like a family reunion-style bbq somewhere central so that we can all meet, eat, and hang out.

What's Central?
Well, that depends on you! Right now with YW in the MD/DC area, me in NY, and Liz in NJ...central means like.....Philly or Delaware (I'm not good with geography. That's where Liz comes in..lol)

Central can change based on Cali girl Jane or Ohioans Mr. Socialight and Monie...yes I'm calling Negroes out!

If you're interested...leave a comment with your location and email address. If you don't feel comfortable leaving that info here,e-mail me at dalipstickbandit@gmail.com! Any suggestions you have is always helpful!

So, come out! Eat! Have fun and mix it up with your blogger fam!

Buck the MTA!

It is 12 degrees outside with a windchill of -3 degrees.

Why, oh why, would you close ANY train station? So, I walked down as the train was coming after leaving work EARLY only to walk 2 extra blocks in the above-mentioned weather...to wait 25 minutes for a local train which means I left early for no reason. And while the local was right across from the express at one stop, someone decided that it shouldn't wait for people like me who MIGHT want to transfer...nooooooooo.....but, yet and still, you want more $$ for a frickin metrocard....

Hmph!
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Circles

Please, dear friend, I love you! Stop seeking attention from men! Stop sleeping with them even when you know they don't want a relationship, then talk feel some type of way and try to pressure them into one. Please. Look in the mirror. Know your worth. Really really. Know it. You are so beautiful and so precious and you try to be so tough. You are broken but you keep running away from your brokenness. It hurts but feel it. Go through it. You'll be stronger. Stop seeking it outside of yourself. In 2 years, you haven't been single for more than a minute. Enough. This situation sounds like the one before and the one before that and the one before that. Isn't it all exhausting? I want to shake you. I want to hold you. I want you to just stop. Only long enough to reverse what you've done. Its too late and you'll be on my couch and crying on my shoulder soon. You will disregard my advice and soon we'll be in another situation like the last last last last.

But I love you. I will be here for you. I just wish you could see...
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Simul-Post

Someone asked for the address of my other blog. It is

www.dalipstickbandit.com

Its about make-up, fashion, music, etc.

Every Monday, I post something "personal" and this was yesterday's...

Saturday night, I had a 3-hour conversation with someone with whom I, before said conversation, wanted to date. The contents of that conversation are still annoying me at this very moment and will probably continue to annoy me for a few weeks...

Firstly, let me say, all we knew about each other before this conversation is that he is: 25 years old, 6ft 3in tall, black, works in maintenance, has no kids, and is black. All he knew about me is that I'm 23, 5ft tall (lol), black, no kids, and I work an office job.

Ok, the big show....
He said that he knows my kind. I'm a corporate female that dates the hedge fund type of guys but they don't do anything for me. Eventually, I want a hood guy to give it to me rough. I'm an oreo. I look like a black woman on the outside but all he hears is white coming out. I probably live in Manhattan and don't have any connection to black people whatsoever. I don't know about the hood. I've probably been messing with soft dudes my whole life. He's not soft (which he repeated in like 4 or 5 different ways).

He went on to say that he's a hood professional. He's from the hood. He loves the hood. The hood raised him. He did some time in jail for making money the hood way. Now, he's a professional going to school and how if a woman doesn't have an Associate's (at least) he's not messing with her. And blah blah blah.

I swear I didn't say much. What I did say probably amounted to about 30-45 minutes.

He was surprised to learn that I have never dated a white dude or anyone who owned a hedge fund. I still live in Brooklyn. I went to a "rough" neighborhood high school. I just basically refuted 90% of what he said about me. He did get it right that I say "dude" and that I like rock music.

After I said whatever, I asked him what he would want to do on a date. I was curious! Lol. I suggested a museum. He was not really interested. He would go to the finance museum on Wall St. He said he thought it would be a compromise since he knows my kind likes finance. It sounded like the most boring thing to me. "Oh, that's funny. Your kind usually has stocks and bonds and pays close attention to the market."

At that point, I was like...Please stop saying "my kind." Its rude. If you think you know me already, which you DON'T, what's the point of dating me?

He was sorry. He didn't mean to offend me. But he can say that because his past experiences allow him to make certain statements.
Then he said something that made it evident I wasted my time. He said, "Can I call you Becky or Kelly?"

Fuck you!

Its not new that people have said this about me - that I'm an oreo - but with Black History being over and everything, I can say with extreme confidence that being black has nothing to do with where you're born, how you sound, if you speak grammatically correct or not, or any of the bullshit he was selling. I wasn't buying it.

Bottom line: He was ignorant.

I know who I am. I love the beautiful black woman I am growing into everyday. I am who I am and I'm proud.

Be who you are. Be proud of who you are and if people don't understand you or won't even TRY, tell them to keep it moving....
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Casual Intimacies?

A friend (gay male friend) was saying how he has a male "friend" who acts so sensual with him. Massages, cuddling, everything but the big show. He also has 2 people he sleeps with and 2 prospects in the works..he's like that's what he's abt. No full-fledged relationships but casual intimate encounters where he can "have-up" or just relax and chill with people. If they have sex, they have sex...if they don't, they don't. He's like, Damn, it sounds so promiscuous..doesn't it?

I nodded yes but in my mind...
I was like shit! I wish straight boys did that. Sometimes, I miss spooning with Afroman. He was the best spooner. We would talk and cuddle all day. I remember I called out from work one day and we spent the whole day in bed - ordered a pizza, watched a movie, *ahem* (haha), play-fought, spooned, talked...it was the best day ever.

Lately, I've been so confused. I want to be in a relationship, but I don't. I want to sleep with people, but I don't. I want to be single, but I don't. I really want someone to excite me. Move something within me...its been such a long time where I haven't felt like a weirdo to the other sex. Since I could just be me and talk and not have to be a sexier/smarter/funnier version of myself....and it really doesn't have to be someone spectacular.

You don't have to have a cure for cancer in your back pocket or have built an orphanage for children in Africa.

Just be real. Be sweet. Be smart. Be talented in something. Be opinionated. Be goal-oriented. Be aggressive but know when to ease up. Be nerdy, like me :-). Be confident but humble. Be a hard worker. Be able to laugh. Be able to make me laugh. Be able to challenge me mentally. Be able to meet me half-way. Be decent.

Decency goes a long way.

I'm not trying to be promiscuous for many reasons but one of them (besides it gets kinda skeevy at some point) is that I don't have time. My life is complicated. Its crowded and I'm really just trying to section off pieces for myself.

Another weekend has passed. I did nothing of note except clean my living room and had dinner with Liz and Chris tonight. The latter, being totally awesome...yes, be jealous, lol. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the 68 hour work week. I need to be independently wealthy like Vanessa Williams minus the herpes (right, Liz)...hahaha!!

Oh yea....my blackness was put into question....that's another post for another day....night folks!
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