I Will NOT Lose!

(This is not a post trying to fish for compliments or sympathy. I need to vent...)

I haven't competed in the balls that I do for about 6 months.

It has a lot to do with money...the make-up, the heels, the clothes, its really involved and I just haven't had it to compete.


More than that (and this is going to sound really arrogant...I apologize in advance...), in my arena - big girls beauty - I've beaten everyone.
I've had 0 competitive edge.
I've been feeling like...what's the point. Its like playing the Knicks over and over again.

I was really upset I didn't get to go to DC this weekend to compete, as quiet as its kept. Someone didn't come through for me as they promised - like didn't come through in every way possible. I let it roll off my back because you can't hold grudges, but I will remember to not rely on that person in the future

Anywhosies, there's a ball on the 21st of March. I'm really excited I want to compete. Everyone is making a big deal of it because evidently, some other girl has taken my place and now I have to reclaim my throne.

*gasp*

*insert anxiety attack*

*hold*

*release*

I have to come stronger and different than I have been. Twin wants to edge me up. He wants me to do a whole production, make an entrance and I'm ok with it.

Right?

Right.

So...last night, I decided to take new pics with this new hair I bought on Friday. F.acebook and M.yspace must be updated! I say that only half facetiously.

Anywhosies...I'm taking pictures and I'm critiquing everything about myself. Suddenly, my chin is too big, my skin is not smooth enough...is that a wrinkle? Look at those bags under your eyes! You need sleep! You need water! You look sooo tired.


Notice, I did not plant the seed that I was going to lose. I don't like the fruit it bears. It just means I have to work harder.

I just went to sleep or tried to. I tossed and turned. Why do I even compete? I hate people staring at me. I hate being center of attention. It unnerves me. Because I'm a doofus. I compete because I win. Point blank. I win trophies. I win money. I win respect, recognition, status, and sometimes...intimidation. Haha!

I woke up this morning, still seeing the same things I saw. I scrubbed my face with some minty cleanser which led to me poking myself in the eye with cleanser on my finger. It was great! Told you I was a doofus. Lol

Ahhh...I don't know where I was going with this...I guess everything will be fine. I keep trying to tell myself win or lose, blah blah blah...

But no, eff dat..I WILL NOT LOSE! If in the event I do, I'll make sure I have my finger ready, complete with the minty cleanser on it...just in case. Lmao

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