boo. hiss. boo.

Part of me doesn't want to talk about what I'm thinking/feeling right now but what else is new?

Half.com is the beez knees. I was shopping around for all 5/6 seasons of House on DVD. I LOVE THAT SHOW! Its so witty and smart and interesting.
Anywhosies, I bought the 1st season from Target on sale for $12 during Black Friday. Regular price is $45. I got season 2 from half.com for $10 including shipping. Sweet deal. The discs aren't in the case, they're wrapped in plastic but I inspected them and I didn't see any scratches on them and its the actual official DVD's. Anywho, I saw the envelope downstairs and I was opening it as I saw my mom and asked her a question. She was like, "Oh yea, I saw that for you. What is it?" I tell her and she's frowns. I say, "What?"

"House comes on TV."
"I bought it online for like 5 bucks...it was nothing."
She frowns.
"I can't spend $5 on a DVD of my favorite TV show?"
"No, you can't. Not when..."

I just walked away. She's really bugging. Especially when she just got 4 pairs of shoes in the mail with a closet full of shoes she doesn't wear...complaining about ends not meeting.

Whatever whatever...I mosey on over to Facebook to look at the profile pics that changed. 2 caught my eye...Mike Z - a guy I've had a crush on since junior year and Brother Wise. I could never step to Mike Z. I don't know why so I just gaze at him from afar. And...Brother Wise had a picture of him and his 2 brothers - clones of each other. CRAZY. I look further on his page and he commented on a friend's status. The friend said, "why do girls say they want a good man doesnt cheat or hit them then when one comes along they do that one wrong dont get women never will"

Wise commented saying, "That's because women are insane psychotic delusional liars. You ain't know? Smh"

Say what?!

I KNOW I shouldn't have taken it personally. Wise is going through some thangs with his baby's mother...BUT DAMN! It just took me back to a previous conversation with him when I told him flat out - I love you. We could be great together. He told me he felt as though women like the idea of him (eccentric afrocentric intelligent artist) more than to actually be with him and I broke down who I thought he was and was pretty in line with who he is...he then said, "I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to even try."

He then went to a party, took a girl home and got her pregnant and now he's dealing with a crazy chick whom he probably had no intentions of seeing the next day. (If memory serves me correctly)

I saw that bullshit and I'm like...
You will be fucking alone you dick! Not because women are crazy but because YOU are crazy. You don't feel like you deserve love.You had a great girl (*ahem* ME)and you CHOSE to be alone. And that situation thart has you all jaded about women..ummm could've avoided it by umm...wearing a *bleeping* condom!

Jerk.

Dreams

I've been having a lot of dreams lately about BFF's baby. I guess I'm kind of worried about them because mom and dad are nutso!

A few days ago, I dreamt that BFF died in childbirth and Punjabi took the baby to live with and be raised by his ex live-in gf. Omg! Throughout the dream, I was the only one struggling to make sure the baby knew who BFF was. I was stalking and threatening him. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep.

it was particularly disturbing because thats what happened to me. My bio-mom died when I was 3. My dad married my mom a few months later and all of bio-mom's friends and family disappeared. No one I could track down would even tell me about her. It was like she never existed. Im still hurt about that and God-forbid that to ever happen to me or any of my friends.

The dream last night was that me and BFF were talking in the rain about her telling her ex-husband that she was pregnant. In the dream I was telling her about another dream I had where I saw the baby's face and it looked just like her. As I was telling her this, someone was walking a shih tzu that had long hair they'd braided and put beads on the end so that it looked like Rick James. It looked very time-consuming yet totally awesome. 

What Are You Living For? + Kate Chopin

I arbitrarily ask questions or make statements via text to my close friends. You may get a random hello or a message that says I want tacos or whatever comes to mind. Because I am awesome and quirky. Lol

Today, I texted my friend BP what does he live for? He's a dope a rapper and I kind of expected him to say music. Instead, he didn't answer. Hmmm...

Its the question I'm struggling with too. I know the Jesus Freak in me should say something like...living to live again in eternity with our Lord but umm...not quite. I don't even know if I want to do makeup anymore. Just a year ago, it was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing at night. I have a few bridal contracts I have to sign but I really kind of don't want to do it. I hardly want to do my own makeup. SHOCKING!

I need to figure this ish out. And fast! Having no money is not fun.

On a lighter note...I wait for my 2nd run at celibacy to think I'm having a sexual awakening. Part of me wants to take on a lover. I have fantasies in my head that I really want to act on while the other (more religious and sane) side says that those things should be saved for marriage.

Then I think...what if my husband gets in a freak accident and is paralyzed from the waist down and can't have sex. What then? No one should go into a marriage for sex.

And then I think,  yes...if I wanted to, I could sleep with someone tonight. Would it be good? Maybe. What I want is to be comfortable with my next partner I want to blow his mind and him to blow mine. That comes with trust and you generally don't have trust in a one night only deal.

I'm rambling.

Anyways...I am not certain celibacy is healthy. My friend is a minister in training and he's been with his girlfriend for 3 years and they have been celibate. 25 year old man, celibate for 3 years. His girlfriend is not sure if they will be able to break out of it if they get married. She's not sure he finds her attractive. There's a lot of mental anguish.

Most people believe in God until he butts into their wallets and bedroom so who knows...

Rambling again.

I want to punch girls in the face that look at me too hard. Its like...why do you have to grill me because of whatever reason you're grilling me for...but that could just be my period talking. Lol

Nothing else on my mind. Later gators.

Random

We approached as he exited the porn shop complete with peep show booths, a visible look of embarrassment on his face.

"You are so pretty," he said to me, the only girl in the group consisting of 3 other gay men.

"Thank you," I said pulling out my phone to tweet, text or blast off to the moon-  literally anything to avoild further communication between us. He didn't take the hint.

"I mean...damn! You're like really pretty," he began seeming to be completely miiffed. "Do you have to wear that much makeup? Its not like its a ball. You ain't gotta look so good. Its just Thursday night girl, come on!"

My enterage giggled. J stepped to my aid, standing closer to me just in case. We parted ways.

"Damn Ni, you really upset him with your face."

"It happens," I said as blythe as I could be. I pouted my Barbie pink lips and squinted my cat eyes. "This is my face. Deal with it."

They all laughed.

"Yeeeeeesssss Nina bitch!"

Yes indeed.

I Should be Dancing

The sky was overcast and the air balmy as I walked to the train station. Adele's "Lovesong" on my ipod, my chocolate-painted lips moved along as she sang "No matter how far away...I will always love you."

I saw him walking towards me. His skin a smooth shiny Hershey bar. His full lips parted to reveal the same perfect white smile I remembered.

"Blair," I smiled back, "long time..."
He'd moved across town. I'd noticed and missed him.

It was a brief encounter yet it had soured my mood.  Maybe it was a reminder of what I've been missing.

I walked into the train station and noticed a guy that tried talking to me last week when I got Rocky groomed in the first car so I walked down maybe 4 or 5 cars away. As I sat, he came in and waved to me. I waved back but kept my face straight and my head down lost in thought over seeing Blair.

I heard a screeching noise and the guy was cleaning his teeth with his finger. Ewwwwwww. While I'd convinced myself to give him a chance if he asked in that moment whatever fleeting notion I had of doing so had dissipated.
Aggravation has been growing as i was on the train to go to Twin's job to give him money because he doesn't have any for lunch. He makes at least double what I do and it just annoys me that he hasn't been budgeting his money properly.

Whatever...I guess that's what friendship is about.

That's how the story goes....

Weekend Round-Up

I need to stop talking to other dog-owners. They scare the be-jeezus out of you.

Yesterday, my neighbor who has a Pekingese told me I need to really watch out for Rocky while walking him in the neighborhood because our neighbor who had a maltese was walking her last summer - her dog got attacked by a pitbull that was off its chain. The pit took the maltese's head off. My other friend had a Yorkie who was attacked by a pit who latched on to the dog's neck and had lockjaw. The poor dog was thrown around so bad, he died. The same neighbor had another Pek that was attacked by a Rottweiler who took his eye out. And on and on the stories go about cutesy little dogs that get attacked by bigger dogs while being walked.

The one about the dog that got her head taken off gave me nightmares last night. I love Rocky like my child. And then, this morning on our walk, I tied Rocky's leash to the fence outside the store to get a tea and a muffin. I would be in an out in 3 minutes. I was in the store for 2 minutes when a man came in and said, "Miss, your dog is free," and there Rocky was at the door licking the man's shoes. .

This little dog pushed his head through his collar. The man was like, "Yes, I watched him as soon as you tied him up. He was fighting boy!" I thanked him thinking about all the scenarios that could've happened. The Good Samaritan could've just scooped Rocky up without a second thought. Rocky could've run into the street. Another dog could've gotten to him....all these things. I hit Rocky 3 times saying "Bad DOG!" I was so pissed! (and a little embarrassed)

When we got home, I said, "I'm angry with you. Leave me alone." He surely did walk into the other room. 15 minutes later, he tried to smooth things over with a game of fetch. "No, I'm still mad." He went and played by himself. (I don't think he can really understand me. I think dogs can feel energy.)

------------------- BFF called me Saturday afternoon as I was meeting up with her mom and other bestie Toni to do some baby shower shopping. I told her I was on my way to Target and if she wanted to she could come by later. I was frying fish.

The Punjabi mess hasn't been straightened out really. He bought her a car. He's been spending a lot more time with her but she says he's been causing a lot of anxiety because he still hasn't told his mom about her being pregnant and she's worried about how his family will accept her and the baby. She wants to take a break from him. To soothe her melancholy, I told her to come over. We'd watch a movie. I'd feed her. All would be right with the world. Also, Twin was coming over to play with Rocky...he's good at making people laugh.

As me, Twin, Toni and BFF's mom are in the car on the way home. Toni was talking about her dog, Diva nonstop. Then she said, "I'm surprised you got a dog. I thought you didn't like pets. I thought you threw your cat out the window. That's what BFF told me." My face was hot. WHY THE FUCK would BFF tell her that and if she did, WHY would Toni repeat it? I denied it for the sake of her mom and made a mental note to smack BFF when I saw her. I did throw the cat out the window. Afroman and I had just broke up. I found out he left me for his ex and moved upstate to be with her. I had the flu. The cat hated me and only liked Afroman. She was always pooping in the bathtub. I was allergic to her and itchy eyes really just added to the misery I was in. I took it out on her and its not like I live up really high. I live on the 2nd floor. I threw her out in the backyard where it was grassy and she came back the next day.

I got home and started frying up the fish and called BFF to come over. She said she would be on her way. About 15 minutes later, I hear Toni's loud ass mouth. "NINA! NINA!" screaming my name in my hallway not sure which apartment was mine. Not only did she bring her Yorkie, but she also brought Aidan, BFF's cousin. I was even more pissed! BFF was in the car talking to Punjabi. I really hate when people bring others without consulting you to see if its okay first. I was so annoyed. One, because Toni talks non-stop and two, I had a house full of people and wasn't really prepared.

My mom always taught me to always plan for more especially when you're cooking because you never know who will show up for dinner. Thankfully, I had enough for 5 when I only planned for 2. (BFF added at the last minute.) I pulled her to the side when she finally came upstairs. "The least you could've done was text me that you were bringing other people." "I'm sorry. I was busy texting Punjabi." "Whatever." Ohhhhhhhhh. If I could slap a pregnant woman, I would!

My quiet Saturday night was anything but with Toni's dog barking at Rocky anytime he got near her. He's a pup, he wants to play. Finally, Rocky started barking back. Then, Aidan pissed me off with a side remark about Jesus. We were trying to get a wine bottle open. He was like, "Why do we need wine? We could drink water?" I said, "Jesus turned water into wine. Its the next best thing." Toni said, "Amen. Hallelujah. Fill my glass." Aidan gets all serious and says..."Don't believe that shit white people tell you. That story is bullshit." He was about to get worked up when I looked him in the eye and said, "Enough."

Believe what you want but don't disrespect what I believe..especially in my own damn house!Aidan is so weird! This is the same guy that was a Jesus-fanatic last year. Dude is so lost! I cut him some slack. His dad died about a month ago.

The night went on and when the movie went off at 10:30, I politely kicked everyone out. I had enough of Toni's loud mouth, Diva barking, Rocky trying to hump people and playing hostess when I thought it would be just me and 2 close friends.

Aidan said, "Are you really kicking us out?" I just smiled.
I'd been up since 8. 2 hours of dance rehearsal, 3 hours of baby shower shopping, traveling all over Brooklyn, and cooking tallied up to way too many hours on my feet.

Yes. I sure was.

Sunday was uneventful except for the guilt I felt missing church.
Anywhosies...it was a great weekend but I'm still trying to get the fish smell out of my house. I'm about to boil some cinnamon.

Christmas in April

The thing about blogging is that it forces you to face things you do NOT want to think about.

Yesterday, I got up...got Rocky groomed. OMG! He looks like a brand new dog. His hair made him look a lot thicker than he actually is. He is so little and skinny. Its kind of freaking me out. I also feel bad because I used to play with him all rough, throwing him around and such (not far) and now I see how small he really is...I feel bad.

I also got a new phone!! YES! I am now #TeamAndroid. I love it! Its a touch screen with a keyboard. The best of both worlds! AND...I went in thinking I was going to pay about $120, I walked out paying $74. *does running man*

The Android is so different from the Blackberry, I'm really trying to figure out how to work this little thing...I'm so not used to a touch screen. All day yesterday, I was hanging up on people, muting the calls, answering calls on call waiting accidentally without telling the other person to hold...A MESS!!

So, it was a little bit like Christmas.

But, seriously, I was so sick to DEATH of BBM. Some people are cool but others...they are really intrusive with their messages at really any time of the day and then if you don't answer right away, they get pissed off...like, oh, I saw you read my message, why didn't you respond. It was ruining a bunch of friendships.


SO, I go down to get my cart from my mom and a photographer is setting up to take her picture. She's going to be ordained as a minister at the end of the month. The girl who is staying with her, Stef, is doing her makeup. SAY WORD?? I was upset. I'm your daughter. I'm a makeup artist, I thought she would at least ask me. Ok, whatever. Stef does makeup too. I've never seen her work but....ok.

Furthermore, she says..."Can you go spruce yourself up so we can take a picture together?"

I said, "No. I'm on my way to the grocery store."
Seriously, all I had in my fridge was leftover Chinese.


"You've been home all day and now you decide to go to the grocery store?"
Why would you assume where I've been all day?

"All you girls want to do is roam the streets."
So, going to the grocery store at 7pm is roaming the streets. Umm..okay.

As I was leaving, I heard her tell the girl..."Oh we're taking pictures together."

I am so upset because I felt like she could've told me beforehand that the guy was coming to take pictures if she wanted me in them. Who tells someone to go spruce themselves up at the last minute while the photographer is THERE. Part of me feels like if I didn't walk in, I would not have even been offered. AND..we spoke earlier in the day so its really no excuse.

And then you're going to take pictures with this stranger who is living with you for 2 months...professional pictures..really?

Oh, yea and the other day, she was like Stef is your sister. Oh you mean the girl I've known for 2 months...no the hell she's not!

Bad Night

I dreamt that a friend I really like was really a psychotic killer intent on coming in my house and murdering me for sport. He was a master at the blitz attack and was sure to take me off guard. He taunted me by sending me text messages about how close he was coming and pictures of things like my house, my window, my living room furniture. The police wouldn't come and so, I decided to wait for him with a cup full of bleach and my back against the wall. If he attacked, he'd have to do it from in front or below and I'd ready with that bleach for his face.

I also put a knife in every room of the house hidden amongst magazines, pillows, anything inconspicuous.

That actually sounds like a good idea.
I woke up panicky.

Before my heart rate could get back to normal, I heard a mouse squeaking. That sound makes me itch and the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I grabbed Rocky who must've been having an interesting dream of his own. He was growling and barking softly as he lay asleep on the floor next to me.

He woke up startled as we walked toward the dining room. A tiny mouse was stuck on a glue trap I'd set out. Half his body was on the trap while the other half was trying to run away.

I sat Rocky down. "Get it." He looked around confused.

"Rocky! Mouse! Get!" He yawned and lay down by my feet.

The mouse and the trap were running under my living room closet door.

I got a broom and some courage out of nowhere, pushed back the door and - nothing, the mouse disappeared.
Great! :/

I tried to go back to sleep.

The half dream I had was of The Nigerian. He found me at a party. As soon as I saw his face, I woke up.

It is 4:45am.
How am I supposed to get back to sleep?!

Funny thing...
1. Rocky is never in my dreams.
2. I kind of chuckled - psycopath killer, mice, TN - get it?
3. Wtf? My house is clean. There's no food out. Not even dog food at night anymore. My kitchen is spotless. There's nothing for a mouse to eat. Why are they still in my apartment?
4. No seriously...I want to get back to sleep.
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Hunger

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the past and what my future is going to be.

I've also been exposing myselfto a lot of sexual topics (as you guys probably guessed.)

A few weeks ago, I went to an erotic poetry event. For 2 hours, I listened to men and women, gay and straight describe sexual encounters - tastes, smells, feelings. I left turned on and physically hungry but very convinced that I can't wait to get married to get some of that with my husband.

Tonight on literotica.com, I read a series of stories (5 out of 14) about a shy girl going to have sex with a couple at a nudist camp for the first time. It was tasteful yet graphic. Once again, I thought...half this stuff she's doing to him, oh yea - mental note....my husband is going to be one lucky guy.

Then I thought about The Nigerian. He could make a girl hate sex. His foreplay lasted maybe a minute or 2 and then bam! Penetration. He had a small penis with a decent size girth but sometimes, I really couldn't feel much. He thought he could make up for it by lasting a long time...nope. I kept thinking to myself, "I broke my celibacy for THIS?" It was THE WORST. I told him what I like. I needed more foreplay. I needed oral. I needed spooning, back kisses, kisses on my neck, a bit more passion. He just didn't or couldn't do it. Then he had the nerve (!!!) to post on FB that Nigerians are believed to be the best lovers on the planet. (Side note: Every Nigerian I've ever met have been arrogant as hell for no reason. I'm not saying they all are like that, just the 5 or 6 I've encountered)

He doesn't like going down on women but likes oral himself. So, his solution was to cut it out completely. It just felt like something was....missing. His resolution was to add a woman to the mix. I told him 'no' I don't even know many times. One of the last times we spoke he said, "I found a lesbian to eat your pussy. She can come over next week."

I was so upset.
How many times did I tell this selfish motherfucker no?
While sex usually allows 2 people to get closer, it made me sick - of him, of myself, of us together, of the act itself. There was no talking to TN. He never listened. All he heard was his on desires. He made me feel like a substitute for his hand.

And then I had sex with Carter which was really good but I didn't feel connected to him. Not like Aussie. Not like Afroman - men who loved me, who cared about me. I need to feel some warmth, some understanding.

And now, I'm trying to forgive and heal. I know I can have sex with the next person I pass on the street but I really like the idea of growing sexually with someone. I want to explore different aspects of my sexuality with my mate - with someone I know loves me and doesn't judge me and I want something tangible.

Or maybe part of me is just tired of sharing a bed with someone, teaching them how to turn on the car, rev the engine and take it for a drive and then having them leave tomorrow. I don't think we were created for that purpose.

Anyays, I'm buying my first sex toy sometime this week (maybe), I'm reading erotica and I'm trying to drum up some fantasies that I might be able to make come true with the right guy!

I'm letting my freak flag fly - only at half-staff until someone puts a ring on it.
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Relic

At the planning meeting for BFF's baby shower, I dropped my phone. The screen went black and now I'm using the first Blackberry curve, complete with myspace and Courier New font.

#winning

I'm not that upset really. I was on my way to #TeamAndroid this Wednesday but things like...phone numbers, Twitter and an actual working web browser are really useful.

I'm trying to lead a less anxiety-filled life. Face it; I have enough to worry about.

Like this morning, when the 10:21, 10:31 and 10:41 buses didn't show and I just *knew* I'd be late for church. I shook my fist (literally) and took a deep breath. Lateness is one of the few things I really get anxious about.

Giving myself cardiac arrest will not make the bus come faster and with no funds to take a cab, all that's left to do is woosah, shake my fist and pray.

Also, my iPod shuts itself off every 20 seconds.

Greeeeat.

New phone with 8gb means I could put music on it until I can get an iPod. I believe in the separation of music player and phone.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Prickly

I told a stranger on Twitter to "Fuck off" today.

Some dude asked me "Where's your hair?" I said, "Up your ass."

Both, without giving it a second thought.

If I had given it a 2nd thought, I'd probably have smiled sweetly, rolled my eyes and let it glide ever so gently down my back.

But...no...I feel more porcupine than duck. I've been nursing a recurring headache all week. I've been catching myself grinding my teeth.

If you reached out to me today, chances are...I didn't reach back. I'm worse than angry, I'm cantankerous. At least anger is focused at someone. Petulance spirals and lashes out at anyone it can.

Yet, I can not help myself. I'm hoping it will pass. Not very God-like and pious after all, eh?
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May-December

I've dated 3 older men so far. Dame (43 to my 22), being the first, was so sensual and in tune with my body and way out of tune with his heart made the experience very warm and fulfilling. Yet, confusing when he cried after a night of really good *ahem* begging me not to break his heart while simultaneously calling me a whore.

Leroy (44 to my 22) was all wrong, corny, disgusting. He ate with spittle at the corners of his mouth. He had no game and repeatedly told me that in spite of his age, he was still very sexual. Ick! On our 2nd date, he bought me 2 leatherbound journals because he knew I was a writer and purposefully made us walk the long way to dinner holding hands, calling me his prize. I am NO ONE'S trophy. It sounds sweet but it was weird. And AND he talked couples outings and classes...on the 2nd date!! On second thought, dude was going to spring for couples flying lessons and italian lessons...maybe I could've stuck around...lol

Posts About Leroy

Robbing the Wheelchair

Friends Reactions to Leroy

Date #2

Number 1 Sleazeball was TD (42 to my 23) who lured me out for drinks with the notion that he and his network and his position at a very well-known black business magazine would help little ole me. He proceeded to then get sloshed on scotch, talk all about his boring ass job and then try and entice me to go home with him to New Jersey. No siree bob! He then asked me what's my favorite flower (orchids or purple roses - I don't care that they symbolize death) and never sent said flowers.

Putz.

Posts About TD

Wine and Dine You Girl

Walk on By

Its a Wrap

And so, when this older gentleman approached...I had to think really gingerly about whether or not I would go down that road again. Hell! My dad was 19 years older than my mom and they were happy. I took his call and listened to him ramble on about his job, his intentions, his spirituality and how he's not playing games. I have a tendency to let people talk and talk and talk. You learn so much! He repeated the phrases "I'm looking for my wife," "friends before lovers," and "I'm not playing games" so many times, it felt like his mantra.

After our brief conversation, he asked me to send him pictures of myself. He sent me 7 of him. So much vanity and he was NOT fly like that. I was running around with a group of gay high schoolers to a play and thus, didn't have the time to his chagrin.

He text(ed) me requesting pics again and a date tonight walking the Brooklyn Promenade at around 10/10:30.

Umm...negative on the Promenade. Its dark and secluded and he could kill me and throw my body in the bushes.

Actually, negative on him. He was extremely aggressive and just...off. He flat-out asked me if I know how to "treat a man." I wanted to say yes, you take care of men like gremlins - don't feed them after midnight.

Bottom line, I think you just KNOW things like...attraction, kismet and frankly, I just wasn't into him.

"So, how about that walk?" he asked me again.

"I don't think that's a good idea. Honestly, I'm not attracted to you. I'm sorry," I replied.

"God bless..."

I breathed a sigh of relief. He took that well. I've learned the hard way (*ahem* The Nigerian) to listen to my instincts. I do not like overly aggressive alpha males...nope. Machismo - yes. Carry heavy things, kill rodents...but arrogance and desperate aggression - no! In my (brief) history with older men, they're either playing around or racing to the altar/maternity ward. I, thankfully, have the luxury of taking my time. Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Jagged Little Pill

I went to my interview which I think I aced despite staring at the beautiful bald black man with the empty left ring finger and a voice smooth like butter wondering how our babies would turn out.

After, I bought some groceries - a whole whopping $15 worth for dinner tonight. Came home, putzed around on the Internet, took a nap and carried heavy things down in the basement for my mother.

Took the dog on a walk and came back to sit in my living room for 2 hours in my clothes - jacket, scarf, shoes and all reading blogs like a zombie.

I didn't cook dinner. I didn't eat dinner.

Reading, "Calm My Anxious Heart" - I forgot the author - for my church group has allowed me to recognize that what I thought was possibly depression is quite possibly anxiety. Depression is being sad about the past. Anxiety is being sad/worrying about the present and future in layman's terms.

Is it possible to have a mixed bag of the two?

A curious thought flashed by in my mind - maybe I should see a doctor and go on some meds.

Me, the person who refuses to take Advil for a headache...wants to be on some mood-altering drug...yea right!

I used to be able to push through...y'know suppress the feelings and now I'm staring at blogs like a zombie just so I don't have to deal with my life.

*sigh*

I'm pushing through for now because I know I really have no other choice.

Tomorrow, I get to pseudo-chaperone a group of gay high school kids for the play, "Angels in America." I'm excited for the (free) play and am thinking about what to wear because...y'know, I gotta be fab for the queers. God bless them!
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I've Got Some Thangs to Say

My mind is literally everywhere. Hopefully, it all makes sense and won't be long like Lord of the Rings and yes, each section has a title.

****
Someone Like You

I've been thinking about Afroman since BFF mentioned his name in casual conversation last week and I literally flinched. Also, I realize that much of 2007/2008 happened because after we broke up I was missing something. Something that I tried desperately to fill with attention from men. I loved the wrong guy. He's a beautiful man. He was just so NOT for me in that the relationship was so about HIM.

Most of my relationships are about the dude. How can I please you? How can I serve you? This is really nice. I want my relationships to be like that but they should say that about me too. I want to feel sparkly and like the guy is happy to be with me. Like he is lucky.

Because the next guy that gets invited into my bed will be extremely lucky, hehe.

And I really didn't know what I wanted. Seriously, if I had, I would NOT have even considered going on a date with half the dudes I have in the past 4 years but eh, you live...you learn...you figure out what the eff your standards are!
***

La Roux Said It

"You don't like me, you just want the attention."

I read an article that said that sex is cheap. Women aren't very discriminating with whom they sleep and men feel like they can get their rocks off with free p.o.r.n or the next girl.

Which brings me to Bdot and JD. Both have expressed interest in bedding me - which is nice. Both have their pros. Bdot works with kids, has his Texan charm and is honest with his desires. Without revealing too much, that's a turn-on for me. JD is a super-talented producer whose music really touches me. He's an artist and we know I LOVE artists! And he has locs. I LOVE locs! But they're both lazy and don't communicate consistently. Take me out, show me a good time and I'll reciprocate. If you're lazy in the pursuit of your conquest...I'll know you'll be lazy while conquering...if you know what I mean.

I just aint got the time for no lazy lovers. Been there. Done that. Never called back.

And, really...if I just wanted sex, I'd be all over it, but I want more. I know sex is amazing when I actually trust the person, have seen medical documents and know if I get knocked up, they won't throw me down some stairs or look at me menacingly with metal hangers.
***
Love is Stronger than Pride

Back to Afroman.

I've forgiven him for all the mistakes he made. I've also forgiven myself for all that I allowed him to do. I really miss him and wish we could be friends but that's out of the question. Children are involved. It would be messy.

I also sorta miss The Nigerian. I know...stone me...go ahead!

All of the sexual stuff aside...he would make an excellent friend/business partner/confidante. I'm working on forgiving him. I just wish we could have a conversation where we could talk about normal things. I will never be with him because...forgiveness aside, I would never allow him to climb on top of me again. But, marketing plans...yes!

Oh yea...and I miss Aussie. That man knows his way around a...never mind. Rawr!
***
White Flags

"I can't believe this! I've never seen you like this...ever! You're pouting! You've given up. Omg! Stop. Please!"

I was pouting right into my Pineapple Crush at BBQ's. Twin was right. I had given up. Unemployment is drying up. Freelancing means hustle and bustle and all I've wanted to do these past few *ahem* months is pull the covers over my head and sleep.

I've silently given up on hope. I've even stopped praying about it while many of my previously unemployed friends have found some sort of work.

I feel myself coming up and out of this rut. Hopefully before the next 20 weeks. Let's not wait to the well becomes dry.
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Just Do It

I've been balancing bills, fun and hobbies on my unemployment check....paying things off little by little....waging wars with unimportant things like groceries (haven't been grocery shopping in a month) and laundry (haven't done that in a month either). Rocky needs to be groomed before the weather really breaks and my God! his paws feel like claws as he scratches me playfully...he's starting to leave marks. His hair is getting long and while I love a shaggy dog, the other shih tzu owners in the neighborhood parading their freshly shorn pups around make me feel like a bad puppy mom.

Also, I want to do things like travel (!) and eat at restaurants nicer than BBQ's and actually have fruits and vegetables ready for consumption in my very own home! I bit the bullet today and I paid off my gas bill, paid $50 less than the entire electric bill and paid half of my phone bill. Next week, I'll pay the remainder of electric and get Rocky groomed.

Then *drumroll please* I'm just going to pay for whatever I want (driving lessons, plane tickets, new phones) out right and let the chips fall where they may. I will be broke, yes! But not being afraid that my lights are turned off is better than being broke. I'm broke now and I'm playing Russian Roulette with the amount of time it takes to post a check but a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do.

I've also decided to quit Rugby. I love it but the cost of everything - transportation mainly and the $200 per season dues plus, they expect you to mingle and hang out with the team (the nerve!) doing things like drinking/eating costs money I don't have. *sigh* Maybe in the Spring.

In the meantime, I still have my mouth guard and cleats so who wants to play mano a mano?

I have a job interview tomorrow! Pray for me and a speedy non-defeatist attitude recovery.

Not too long, right? Right.
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Better Than Porn

I wanted to remember Hands on my thighs Lips on my nips (clever, lol)

I wanted to remember the days before celibacy and so I scrolled over to these posts. I remember smells, tastes, what I was wearing, how I felt...it was better than anything I could watch on the Internet. (Almost)

I cringed when I read these posts. I cursed a lot in them. I was really candid. So, read and then hump someone cause I sure ain't. :/

The Good

Mr. Phil - The Office Lethario

Blair - Smooth Operator

Relapse

Dame - The Older Gentleman First Night, Part 1

First Night Part 2

The Really Good

Aussie - The Stallion

Trust Me

Red Panties, Silver Heels

The Ugly - Reasons why I shouldn't go back to the foolishness

Who is this woman? - aftermath of me and Blair

WORST sexual experience EVER

HIV Scare

Reminisce

I remember running my fingers through his long locs, laying my face in them and breathing his scent. His breath tasted like cigarettes and beer - like a man who'd been around long enough to be comfortable in his own skin.

He held my body close to him and I felt free enough to be this person I always wanted. Free enough to do or say whatever I wanted. At 22, he made me feel like a sexual empress. He gave me a power I didn't know I had...the power to crush his soul.
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The Weather Girls

The air is chilly and snow/rain is coming down from the sky. I'm bundled up on the couch with The International on DVD, Rocky on my lap and some strawberry ice cream in one hand, my blackberry in the other and I'm flirting with Bdot.

Bdot and I met at a house party thrown for my friend who'd come home after being in Brazil for a year. He approached immediately, we exchanged numbers and he reached out to me...about doing makeup for his after school program's production. I did. It was...scary. Kids are crazy.

A week or so later, we were BBM'ing each other starting from maybe 10ish til 2 - about everything and then of course, he ends it with - "Come over." This was around Christmas. I'd already rebounded with Carter and the whole aftermath with that was shitty. I wasn't trying to go and give him nothing I can't take back.
I'd been invited to another house party this Saturday that he and his friends are throwing and I got the grand idea to BBM him tonight.

Snippet of the convo:
Me: I was talking to a friend about moving to Houston, your hometown
B: Why
Me: She lives there. I'm flexible. Couldn't hurt. I'd rather find a real job than try and freelance out there.
B: Jobs r there. Houston is a good place to be

(Blah blah blah. I told him we should go and make caramel-chocolate babies in Houston)

Me: You're funny-style though.
B: I am?
Me: You disappeared
B: ‎​I didn't mean to. Honestly I thought that we were in 2 diff places. I'm single and not really sure what my next move is and it seemed u knew what u wanted.

(I thought I had the whole aloof thing going for me but he's the 2nd guy to tell me they know what I want)

Me: What do I want?
B: You tell me
Me: I want something meaningful. I've done the fwb thing. Someone always gets hurt.
B: ‎​Yeah that can happen
Me: You threw me for a loop with that 2am come over line
B: Lol. Well that's what I feelin at the time. I wanted u. But that didn't mean it was just a fuck thing. But I can understand how it came off
Me: Lol
B: Just being honest
Me: I appreciate it! Trust me!
B: U r really cool, funny and I like that. I am sexually attracted too so I kind of fell back bcuz I didn't want to come off like I just wanted to fuck u
Me: Well, I'm glad we cleared that up!

Hmmmmm...
I'm kind of questioning what the hellz I want to do. I haven't been kissed since November (!!!) AND (sorry) that kiss wasn't great. The Nigerian didn't like to kiss. Oooohhhh, Aussie's kisses make your panties drop on command. So, you could say my last good kiss was in the summer - June. Geeeeeeeeez. If he's not a good kisser, he's not getting the panties.

I know that what men say and what men do are two different animals..however (!) I do miss touch. Part of me is hella self-conscious though. The winter + eczema has left my skin uber scaly and untouchable and I'm fat. The Nigerian loved to make me look at us both naked in the mirror. He has a great body while I'm bulgy. *sigh*

I was neeeever self-conscious with men. Being that way just hurts the experience.

I am looking forward to seeing him on Saturday. I want to look hot, smell good and flirt shamelessly.

Even after he said what he said...you still have to work for this!

(*title is from Rihanna's - Raining Men. She says "they be falling out the rain/ so whatchu worried bout/always raining men girl/we aint worried out...yes, indeed)
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