gosh!

thank you to everyone who reached out during hurricane sandy.

everyone i know is fine.
however, when that bitch athena - the noreaster came...she knocked out half my house's power.

so, the living room and dining room have power but my kitchen, bathroom and bedroom don't.
luckily, the boiler seems to be working so we're not freezing.


i'm still planning eurotrip13.
at first, i thought london, paris, rome.
then, rome started getting fuzzy because: a. it's far from paris and b. it's far from london where i would need to fly out of...

now, it's london, paris, brussels, amsterdam, london.
via train.

i'm trying to book my travel now...so, fingers crossed.

i found a megabus from london to paris for $8!!!

once, figuring out where i'll be is done...it's the lovely job of figuring out where i'll stay...and then what i'll do and then what to pack and then how to get to jfk!

so geeked.

also, the book will be released formally on saturday!!! oh em gee!!!

so many exciting things going on....

the running joke is once i go to europe, i'm not coming back...which i'm kinda not joking about...i really want to stay and work in london and travel travel travel....

fingers crossed guys...like, for serious.

humpty dumpty

i want to love
like a woman unbroken
as the wind beats at my back
i am on my knees and i can not stand
i wish i never felt the bitter tears on my lips
streaked upon my pillow
my heart in pieces
jagged and torn
the edges of it bleeding
threatening never to be whole again

give me back the part of me you took when you left

the little girl that thought that love conquered all
but love is in the corner of the ring
with a black eye waiting for that knock out punch

and i
have nothing left to give

when will my smile
be something more than
plastic perfection?
rehearsed movements my face automatically contorts itself to
to reassure you that

i'm alright.
doing just fine
moving on in time

i want to be loved
by a man unafraid
to look me in the eye and tell me our truth

i'm afraid

kiss

i want to be kissed
soft and sweet
like a feather
delicate
like a woman
a lady
a precious gift i hold in the
palm of my
betwixt my legs crossed
pumps on
fishnets thigh highs
your hands run up
my
....

i want to be kissed
like the statue of liberty
kissed
give me your hungry your tired
all of you
until your lips meet mine in the silence of my reverie

i ponder you
when no one is around to stop me
in my secret chamber
i
just
want to be

admired
desired
loved

kiss me
lips neck fngertips breasts
kiss me

until lips become sore
and tongues want to explore
like hands and eyes
roam my fruited plain

kiss me
until words become a blur
and eyes are closed
until there is nothing else that matters
except for my lips and yours.

meat grinder

I have never really known the meaning of the word, 'no.' I know what you're thinking...I must be spoiled or have always gotten my way but, I always saw 'no' as a detour to 'yes' and pretty much everything I've ever done in my that started with 'no' ended in 'yes' some way or another.

Because, I'm fucking determined.

The previous posts...that poetry was inspired by DK. For a short while, I thought we would get back together and that we were going to be okay. Obviously, I was wrong.

Suddenly. my phone calls and texts are unreturned. It's like he fell off the planet.
At first, I was worried....something must've happened! He must be hurt or dead or deported. Surely, he wouldn't just be ignoring me. Then it set in that that's precisely what he was doing.

I feel hurt, stupid, angry but most of all, I feel an overwhelming sadness that seeps out of me and surrounds me like a blue aura that everyone sees and I have no explanation for it. Not a rational one that I could explain to people.

How can I feel something for someone who treats me this way?

I've been snappy and bitchy at work. I'm a wreck.

Most of all, I feel so alone.

I don't have many friends. My call log will tell you that I have 3 people that I call consistently. I hear that as you get older, that number shrinks and shrinks and I think about dying alone. Morbidity aside, I wanted DK. From the moment we hugged goodbye after our first date, I wanted him and I let my guard down. I over-extended myself and went out of my way. I gave him my body and my heart and I felt like he wanted to give his heart to me but just wouldn't. Whatever his reasons, it doesn't matter, the end result is the same. My heart is broken.

Wynsters said I have to be the one to make the decision to stay or walk away and it just felt like deja vu. I broke one of my cardinal rules: Never go back to someone you've already walked away from. But I did because it was easy and because I thought I loved him.

Truth is, that last statement "thought I loved him" shouldn't be in past tense but since love is a verb, I have to stop loving him....

I feel like the choice to stop doing so makes me feel like my heart is being ripped from me and being sent through a meat grinder.

  This picture was on PostSecret this week and when I saw it, I wanted to cry because that's essentially what I want.

SO, this is the first no I will accept, delete the person from my memory bank and move on. Because a no from him is not a NO to my happy ending. And GOTDAMMIT, I will have my happy fucking ending.

IN other news, the book is out on most platforms. The official release date is November 10th...that's the date I hope it's out on ALL platforms...right now..Amazon, Kindle and Nook have picked it up. I'm hella excited.

Anyways...gotta go...Hurricane Sandy is threatening NYC with some major damage....we'll see how that works out.

poetry?

i have no idea where this poetry came from.
when i clicked on compose new post, i thought it would be a story or something but these words just kind of flowed from me.
i didn't re-read it so i apologize if it sucks....i guess i had some things that i needed to express.

i briefly dated someone who was good on paper....he's a producer. he's young and successful and soon, he will be very rich. i know this like i know my last name. he's also very narcisstic and thinks the world revolves around him.

i stopped returning his phone calls because i didn't like the way he saw me.
it's hard for me to like a man romantically. he has to be smart, funny, ambitious, well-spoken, well-dressed and most importantly, i want to be adored.

he was so critical of everything i said and did. he made me feel like i was only good enough to be a trophy.

i hate that feeling.
it reminds me of when i was with those older men and they just wanted my youth to pop out some babies and right the wrongs they did in their 20s and 30s.

i have no idea how a relationship is supposed to work anymore.
but i want one.

does that make any sense at all?

goodbye my friend

fear no longer follows me in the night when dreams are missing
like your arms around me.
i miss you.

my heart is no longer whole and i reminisce on days when you held it in tact
in the palm of your hand
and i was so eager to lap at the fountain of you

i wanted to be your everything
and you
wanted nothing from me

i never wanted a 1-sided love
i wrote books of poems for you

always wanting
wishing
hoping love would be enough
i would be enough
until i had enough

you ruined my perception of what love
is
was
and what could ever be i

gambled myself on you
and lost

and i

relish the days my heart was whole.
without these cracks
and places where the pieces never fit together again
there are holes where plaster can not fill
the voids
where men who were boys
and boys trying to be men
ripped apart pieces of me
and left me

wanting
everwanting more

from the next
wishing the were
what the last could never
i should never have given you

all of me

what else could i expect
of girlhood love wanting it be real
hoping that
it would be different

there are rooms in my heart being renovated
space being made for others but your room is always filled
the dresser still has your clothes
and no matter how many eviction notices are posted
you live inside of me

and i just want to be free
but i can't.

and you
you've moved on
and i am still here
with the remnants of the girl i used to be
molded into a woman struggling
against the bitter cold

it is always winter in this drafty heart

no more love songs

i no longer wish for love songs
to listen to the singer posterize their feelings for another
i want to feel it for myself

i long for you
your touch
your kiss

don't want to hear no love song
i want to feel your body on mine.

i want to beat to your rhythm
the cascading harmonic piano keys
as your fingers glide over me

let me be your bravado
your mezzo soprano
the high note and the low guttural sound that emanates from the deep belly parts

i want to be the melody of your words as
you seranade me with kisses
tickle me with your tongue as your hit the bridge
to the chorus of my moans
fill me with your horn section
boom boom boom

until we fade away.

untitled

I can feel my fingertips on his cool skin
smooth like ivory,
 his ebony skin is like butter.
Cocoa rich brown.
He is dinner and dessert and I eat heartily.
 Good to the last drop
 i remember
his lips like pillows
 I dream him.
 Don't want to wake up
 I breathe him.
I see him in my mind's eye
wide open.
I have run in circles.
 Away from him running into
his arms.
he lets me.
 lost in love's lustful liason
 with hearts hurt and healing.
 I want to save him from myself.
 I long for arms to hold me.
 Long for pillow soft kisses
belying legs tangled. hands roaming. fingers laced. breath on my neck and we become...
I am ready to cast of my shrouds of mourning and thrust myself into
morning...

I am ready for love.

more money woes....

i don't know if buying my ticket to london was a good thing after all.
i had a business about 2 years ago. i kept telling nys (new york state) that i didn't have any employees but they still charged me unemployment insurance. fast forward. i owe $1300 for insurance for employees i never had. nys doesn't care.
around the same time, i was on unemployment myself. (how ironic)
the government took out federal taxes but not state and i owe $1100 in taxes on UNEMPLOYMENT benefits that i received.

so................
how about i got a letter in the mail that my wages are going to be garnished for these 2 tax warrants.
i already get $125 taken out in taxes every check. (i get paid per week) + health insurance which is $40 + now $120 for this tax shit + $169 for my student loans every month + rent + utilities + general upkeep (hair, nails, etc) + food.

at the same time, i'm trying to self-publish a book and go to europe.

i'm gonna have start selling something other than books and makeup!

they never said it would be easy
but does it have to be this freakin hard????

honestly, i'm glad i bought my ticket.
even i spent $1000 on the taxes, it still wouldn't be enough.

i'm going to be living off of franks and beans to be able to afford food and such.

#stress.

the juggler

i feel like i have so many plates spinning at one time. i'm tired. my body hurts. i have a laundry list of things to do and my boss told me she doesn't feel like i'm engaged...like i don't care about the job.

i don't. this makeup line isn't for me and i feel the pressure to sell it is ridiculous because i'm not passionate about it. it's also not very popular so i find myself trying to convince people to buy it. the hours are crazy. i work 6 days straight to have 1 day off and then another couple days stretch to have 1 day off. the body doesn't get to recuperate. it sucks so bad.

 i just want to make money to pay for what it is i really want to do with my life.

i haven't really been liking my job for a while now but with everything i have going on, i don't know if i have the energy to look for another one. on the other hand, i feel like i need a regular 9-5 where i sit on my butt all day and don't think about anything.

i get up after 4-5 hours of sleep, go to work, stand on my feet all day and beg women to buy makeup then i come home and work on book stuff til the wee hours of the morning....rinse and repeat.

i really don't know where i'm going to pull the time and energy from to find something else.

in good news,

i bought my plane ticket. i'm going to london january 31 - feb 10. from there, i will go to paris and italy. i might try and see ireland too. maybe.

my book is done. it is in the editing process. it should reach the publisher by sept. 15
it is really hard because i want it to be a bestseller. writing the book was easy. getting people interested in it enough to pub it for me has been difficult.

so, the book process, planning my european trip, having a full-time job, dealing with the aftermath of my grandma's estate, friends, family....it's a lot.

i'm not sure how to handle it all.

coping mechanisms

this week was pure stress getting my grandmother's arrangements together.
i can't even tell you all that goes into making sure a loved one is sent away properly but i will say at the end of it all, we made sure that she had a dignified service and burial. i couldn't have done it without my mom.

my brother, the youngest one is 31 years old. he might as well be 13. he did really nothing to help and complained the entire time while me and my mom are running wild trying to get things done he's like... i'm hungry. i'm sleepy. i'm blah blah blah. we were in the car: me, mom and bro and we're trying to get my grandmother's clothes together that she was going to be buried in and the entire car ride, he complained. i looked in him his eyes and i said as loud as i could, SHUT UP! i really wanted to throw the f-bomb in there but my mom was around. he kept touching me..hugging me and playing with my hair and stuff....for like 2 days straight. i don't particularly like to be touched. so, i was like  STOP TOUCHING ME! she was like...you're so mean. on another ocassion, when she first told me about my grandmother dying....i didn't cry. my reaction was pure business like....ok, what do we have to do? she was like, why are you so cold?

so, i'm cold and mean.
and pretty much everyone concurred.
but they did also add that i'm polite.
i'm polite as a motherfucker.
if that's any consolation.

(it's not)

people don't understand that grief shows itself in many ways. and, i don't get how they want me to be weepy and inconsolable one minute but be on top of the arrangements and keep it together the next.
my mother called me a robot.

yea, i'm a robot that couldn't sleep at night, woke up crying when i did and basically felt the weight of a $7,000 funeral on my shoulders.

needless to say...it was a rough week, man.
my brothers and aunt left hours ago.
brock had been texting me all weekend to come over and fuck him. i decided that....having sex with dk was a great coping mechanism when my gma first died. it made me forget about the stress and emotional turmoil at least for the night. he held me tight and i got the best sleep i'd had all week.
as soon as they left, i called brock and went over to his house.

it is a really nice house.
i didn't get a tour. i came in through the back door which led straight to his bedroom.
we sat and talked about music for like 5 minutes and then he kissed me.

brock's lips are twice the size of mine and they are awesome. he did everything really well.
his penis is not as large as dk's but he knows how to work it better. he was adventurous and he worked my ass like a rag doll. it was good.

but then, he mentioned earlier that he had a work call at 9. we finished at 8:45ish. he asked me how i was getting home because of his call and such.
so, i put on my clothes and called a cab. he didn't even wait with me while the cab came.
i feel kind of empty inside...something i never felt after sex with dk.
he cuddles me and we talk and he insists that i spend the night. i've never really had sex and bounced immediately afterward.

i called dk when i got home and i wanted to talk to him but i got a feeling he didn't want to talk to me. he was like..

dk: how was your week?
me: crazy...yours?
dk: mine was good. why was it crazy?
me: i buried my grandmother.
dk: oh yea, how was that?
me:: i'll call you back later.

how was burying my grandmother?
it was freakin awesome!!!
how can someone be so tender and yet so clueless at the same time?

i want brock's sex game with dk's cuddle sessions and the ability to feel comfortable talking.
and dates. lots and lots of dates......

i was talking to my aunt about men because she asked me why don't i have a bf. i said, i'm sick of games. i'm too old to be wasting my time on dead-end relationships. i want a family.
my aunt is almost 50. she's dating a younger man, he's 42. she was talking to me about the same shit i blog about. she said...26, 32, 42, 60...they all do the same shit.

how depressing  is that!!?!

my friends were all over the place this week. i felt very much alone 90% of the time. i guess i just need to get used to it. grandma's best friend is still alive. they weren't holding hands in the casket. born alone. die alone yes? yes.

timer

if you haven't seen this movie....you should! it is so cute and it has been one of the few movies that has kept me completely engaged the whole time and kept my mind off of grieving.

it's about this company that puts a timer in your arm that counts down the time til you meet The One. the main girl Oona is obsessed with her timer fearing she will never find him. it's sooo good.

i bought a netflix subscription because i still don't have cable and it was a whimsical thing to do. i found this on there and it was amazing.

what else is there to say??
my brothers and aunt are coming in to town tomorrow. i gotta make sure my house is clean.
the funeral is on friday.
my godbaby started walking.
the bestie hasn't really been THERE for me but i'm not surprised.

i slept with dk last night. (yay to 3 day periods!)
i haven't had sex since march. (i think. or was it april? if i have to think that hard, it's bad)
the sex was good as always but he held me all night. he made me  feel really small. i missed big hands, big arms and being little spoon to someone's big spoon.
this morning, i wanted to run away because i'm not sure about who/what i am to him and if the answer is nothing....it's fine. i just want to know. part of me doesn't want to go back there with him, i'm bored but it is safe.

the other part wouldn't mind being bored because i can always find a way to entertain myself. ;)

i wish i had a freaking timer!

i will chalk up last night to the grieving process.

life and death

my grandma died this morning at 3:58 am.
she was the last of my blood relatives on my mother's side.
i am angry and sad and aside from getting all her funeral arrangements together during the day, i spent all night watching movies and sending dirty texts to dk.

i want to run.
i want to have sex.
i want to forget my world exists for a little while.

i can't run. it's dark out.
i can't have sex. i have my period.
i can't forget.

i feel the outpouring of love all around me like a force field or like i am in a bubble and it is surrounding me but not touching me because i still feel very alone.
i'm sitting alone in my room with my laptop and cell phone.

i would love it if dk would just put his arms around me and kiss me on my neck and tell me it's going to be ok.
but he wants me to wear sexy lingerie and fuck him like a whore.

i don't know what i was thinking. i really shouldn't be alone right now.

but no one told me that early enough for me to go to anyone's house to spend the night.
so, i'm alone in the dark wondering what my next move will be.

birds of a feather

i'm excited.
tomorrow, i start going back to the gym again. i promised myself an hour a day, 3 days a week.
that's doable, yes? yes.

i've been feeling low in the self-esteem department.
the skin issues are still there. coupled with being overweight during the summer...no fun.

so, 30 minutes cardio. 30 minutes on weights. bueno.
tomorrow, i'm going to work on arms, tuesday on legs and wednesday or friday, i'll work on abs.
i'm not expecting this to be fun or easy...especially because i still stand on my feet everyday all day.
i miss jogging. i miss being fit (err- well, more fit than i am now)

the book is going well...i'm at chapter 10 of 12. so, Progress!!!
there are many plates spinning at the same time and i'm just trying to keep track of it all.

i've been thinking a lot about my close friends.
mainly bff and all of her damn drama!
i'm so turned off but what do you do when a close friend just disgusts you with their constant bs?
twin told me she must like drama because she could eliminate it but chooses not to or tells herself, she can't

she's been dragging me down lately...i don't know what to do

the baby will be 1 in 3 weeks and we are busy planning her bday festivities. she's a doll. a real joy to be around. she's trying to walk and she's a fast crawler. she's beeeeeeeautiful. i want to stay in her life and not just  in a financial way. i want to be there for her. to do that, i feel like i have to deal with her mama and her mama's drama.

i've been reading the advice of successful people and they all say....surround yourself with people going in the same direction as you. i don't want to lose a friend but...do i have a choice?

jagged little pill

soooooooooooooooooooooo
i had 2 days off back to back (for most people this is called the weekend...for me, it is called a rarity.)
it felt like freakin vacation!

monday night, my nephew (who is 10 years older than me) calls me to tell me his stepson is on his way from jamaica to nyc on a layover to bermuda and he needs some money.
me, loving my nephew so very much...i agree to take public transpo (!!!) an hour to the airport to go give his stepson some cash.

firstly, i have no idea what this boy looks like.
secondly, who travels with no money? an immature teenage...that's who!
thirdly, his flight got into ny at 1am. i'd been up since 6am for work and i was so tired, i was delirious!

i met up with him at around 2:30. i had to take the bus an hour home that late at night.
when i saw this kid, i wanted to punch him in the mouth.
i love how teens say they're grown but if he were really a grown man, he wouldn't be traveling with no money and having his parents (who were in IRELAND!) bail him out.

today, i went to the dermatologist.
my appointment was at 4:30. i saw the doctor at 7:30. i wanted to freakin scream!
i had no service on my phone and they had no wifi.
i was just waiting and waiting and waiting. it was mind-numbing.

so, check this....this "eczema" that has been wrecking shop on my skin and life is not really eczema.
it seems to be a fungal infection called tinea incognito.
it is a common fungus that is passed on from skin to skin contact that has been made worse by the use of topical steroids. the most common form of it is like ringworm in kids.

in english:
i had a fungus that i probably picked up from holding the pole on the train or from a customer i touched doing makeup or something simple. i went to the doctor. since i have a history of severe eczema that comes and goes, they prescribed a steroid cream. the steroids made the fungus worse and spread all over my body. when i stopped using the cream, the fungus became worse which made me think the cream was helping but it was only hurting me.

since having it, i did have sex with dk and i've done makeup on hundreds of people. he didn't get it. they don't have it. why? because once i had it, i was using the cream which made it non-contagious but highly reactive.

i feel like a disgusting human being right now.
i've had this fungus for at least a year.

he put me on 2 creams, an anti-fungal pill and an antihistamine for the itching. i also have to do bloodwork to see if this is affecting my internal organs/immune system. also.........the meds can affect my liver function so no drinking for me!

this is horrible!
when i googled it, i started to feel less bad though. this happens often because of the "incognito" in the name, it means the fungus basically doesn't show up like normal fungi so when treated like dermatitis (or eczema/psoriasis) it become a nasty bugger...i read a story of a woman who had this fungus for 13 years!!!! it basically looked like eczema covered her entire body! the pictures were intense, i didn't even read the rest of the story. but yea, the doctor tried to come down on me saying i've had eczema my whole life, i should've known this was different.

i was like....i didn't go to medical school. i trust people who've spent 8-10 years studying this and if they were wrong, how was i supposed to know different. slow ya role bud.
anyways.....i dropped off my prescription when i got to target at 9pm (!!!) and hopefully, they'll have it for me tomorrow or friday. i need this off off off! like yesterday.

crazy thing..this thing called life.

i can't tell anyone but ya'll and bff and twin. everyone else will judge me. lol

as for the book...i am at 70k words!! that translates to 7 chapters and 152 pages!!!  i am in the process of talking to a graphic designer about the cover art, securing the domain name for the website, working out how i want the site to look...i've created the twitter page for the book and am working out how i want to begin the social media promo....and i'm thinking about other means of promoting it (blog talk radio shows, pamper parties, flyers, postcards, etc.) this shit cray...it's not just about the art. my business taught me that. i want my book to be BIG. i need it to be big because all this stuff costs money. the money is coming from ME. i don't have a lot of it. i have 4 prescriptions to pay for and such.

i have other money woes too....another post for another (depressing) day....anywhosies...time for bed lovies!

call me

sooooooo....i was sick this week where i left early because i was nauseous and light-headed. my period in the month of june was so SERIOUS. i also had cramps that had me keeled over feeling crazy. anyways, i went to the store with my phone, keys and money. when i got home, i had a bag from the store, my keys and change.

my manager at work said she wants a hysterectomy but they refuse to do it because there's no medical reason. she said the medical reason is that she can't handle her period. she's in her mid 30s and childless. she said..."i don't care. cut it out of me. if i want a kid, i'll buy one." - i totally understand
where my phone went? i have no clue.

the insurance company sent the new phone literally the next day but i don't have certain people's numbers...like....brock.

brock is the nonstarter dude from the last post. i really didn't have a strong desire to talk to him. i just wanted the attention, if we're being honest. he's in houston for the week. he comes back today (sunday). i facebooked him that i didn't have his number. he hasn't called me yet. lame.

i began calling random numbers on my phone bill and i accidentally dialed trini's number. awkward. and dk's number. super awkward.

trini, as soon as i realized it was him, i awkwardly was like...ok, bye. and hung up.
dk, i didn't realize it until i heard his voice on his vm and i left a weird message like...i called by accident. *nervous laugh* umm, sorry.

he text me saying he didn't want me to think he was angry with me and that he wants to know how i am doing.

i was like..ok, call me when u can. so, he did. while i was at work.

i got nervous because honestly, i think there was something there with dk. i might love him. i'm not sure. and, i didn't want to break up. but.....yea, so, when he called i was like i'm at work,. i'll call u later. i dropped the phone when i was on the escalator and the sim card fell in a crack. tmobile's system was down and they couldnt get my phone back online until late.

i called him late. we caught up. it was nice. i really want to talk about what happened between us but slow and steady, right?

love em and leave em

i have been pms'ing for a little over a week, it feels like...my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride of shit.

i feel so ugly.
i have these bags under my eyes that are going nowhere and now with this heat, the eczema is back with a vengeance...all over my body. eczema is basically a black scaly dry rash.  the worst is my breasts, stomach, back and hips. i don't have health coverage until 7/01/12...THANK GOD but I have to wait to see a doctor til then and hope i don't have to go through hoops and loops. i'm freaking miserable. i'm itchy and uncomfortable all day. there's nothing i can do about it.

i was talking to someone new who EVERYONE in my inner circle says is a non-starter. which is sad because if this dude became serious about finding a wife, he would have a good one..in me. the bottom line is he doesn't want to date. so, i'm like..ok, let's bang. he doesn't take advantage of opportunity to do that. i'm bored. i'm tired of chasing people even though probably to him it doesnt feel like i'm chasing....i'm tired of putting in effort. i just want someone i like to like me back and for that to be enough to date. i don't want to have to decipher feelings....i just want easy,.

writing has been going well....i'm hoping to have it finished in another month. i'm so exhausted when i get home, i force myself to write as much as i can...thus, lack of blogging or blog reading.

what else....thinking about perming my hair but that might just be the self-hate talking. i'll reconsider in another week or so when i'm not bleeding from my vagina.

Just Stop It

I did the Tour de Brooklyn on Sunday. It was an amazing experience riding my bike through different sections of the borough, many of which, I'd never experienced first-hand. The entire tour was 21.5 miles...halfway through, I felt cramping and fatigue. The last 5 miles, I just couldn't do. I think there's something wrong with my bike...I was pedaling fast, I just wasn't going anywhere. Would I do it again? I'm not sure, I would have to condition myself better and definitely work on getting a faster bike/fixing the one I have. It was a lovely day nonetheless....

Today, I saw the Snow White movie. Curiousity killed the cat. I hate Kristen Stewart. She is not a "rare beauty."....at least not to me. Charlize Theron was awesome though. The whole movie I was just like...for reals? Kristen is supposed to be more beautiful than Charlize? Word? And Kristen is not the best actress either. But, go see it and judge for yourselves.

SO.......when I sent DK the email, I sent him a text asking him if he got it. That message went unanswered. I deleted his number and all the text messages the next day when I didn't hear back.
Tonight (Monday night), I get a text.

DK: Yes, I got your email
(the one I sent on May 27th. Today is June 4th *side eye*)
Me: ...and, that's all you have to say?
DK: What do you want me to say? You've already made your decision.
Me: I wanted you to acknowledge my feelings. I wanted you to prove me wrong. I wanted you to say that it's not okay that from this moment on, I won't be apart of your life. I guess I wanted something from you that you can't or won't give me.

45 minutes go by.

Me: I don't know what the point was of telling me you got the email if you weren't going to address anything in it.

10 minutes go by.

Me: Anyway, good you got it. Now you can forget you ever met me. There's nothing left to say.

The last message was super emo. I know. But, for real though?
I'm so tired of wanting things from people and never getting it.

My mom spent the week in North Carolina. Firstly, I didn't know she was leaving. She told me months ago about her various summer trips. Memorial Day was on the list but she never told me when she was leaving and how long she'd be away. I get a random text from her saying: "No one needs to know I'm not home and can you take out the garbage on Thursday night for me please."

Thursday, I came home and someone had already taken the garbage out (or so I thought.)
I keep my bike at her place because my apartment is small and there's no room for it plus, I'd have to lift it up and down stairs every time I wanted to ride. I was exhausted from the ride, so I just placed it where I could and left.

She came home yesterday. After I spent the day with BFF, running errands, watching the movie and stuff....I said, "Let me go see my mom."

I came in. She was in the bed.

Me: Heeeeeelllllloooooooo
Mom: *curt* Hi. How come you didn't take the garbage out like I asked you to? I asked you to do one thing and you couldn't do it but let (BFF) or (Twin) call, you'll drop everything to be with them. And why is that bike in the middle of the floor? Hunh?
Me: .....
Mom: NINA, YOU HEAR ME?
Me: Yes....
Mom: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Me: I'll go move the bike.

>>>Man, I was so mentally drained. I walked into a verbal ambush that I was completely not prepared for.<<<<

I moved the bike and left without saying another word.
Seriously, what the fuck?
Who comes back from a week's vacation with their man so angry?
I just can't.
My mom only contacts me when she wants me to do something. God forbid, I don't do it or I don't do it to her liking. I want for her to just call me and ask me how I'm doing...what's going on in my life....how am I feeling...what can she do for me?

What did I say earlier in the post? I'm tired of wanting things from people they just can't or won't give me.

They say, it is insanity to do the same action over and over again and expect different results. I must be out of my fucking mind!
I am so tired of fighting.
I can't do it anymore.

Scatterbrains

My mind has been everywhere this week.
(LAST) Tuesday, I called DK and I told him that I was feeling like he didn't want to be with me in the same way I did him. I want to see him and talk to him more but if he wanted those same things it would happen. I told him I wanted to leave him alone. He begs for another chance. There's a good explanation. Lets talk about it in person.  Fine. I give in.
From Tuesday, he texts me on SATURDAY. Not even wanting to meet up. Just saying hello. I threw out hints. He didn't even respond.
That said to me that nothing changed.
I took myself to see The Avengers. I swear...every cute couple in the vicinity made sure they walked in my path. I was heartsick.
On the train, there was a couple holding hands, talking, laughing. The guy would lovingly grab the back of the girl's neck. It was the sexiest thing. I started crying on the train.
I don't want roses everyday, grandiose expressions of love...I just want simple. Lets be together. Lets touch, laugh, talk.
No.
I wrote him an email.Here it is:

Dear DK,

I don't consider myself to be a bitch, a nag or a person to demand things because I don't like for people to bitch, nag or demand things of me. I met you a year ago. From the first date, my answer was yes. I thought that you were funny, hard-working, chivalrous and most of all special. I knew that I wanted to build something with you. My answer was yes from day 1. And so, a year later, when I ask you the same question....your answer is unclear to me. You say yes sometimes but your actions always say no. Honestly, it doesn't take a year to know if you like someone enough for a relationship.

Calling you is like playing Russian Roulette in my mind. Will he answer? Won't he? I plan out when I'm going to text you so I can get an answer by a certain time because I know it takes at least 20 minutes to hear back from you, sometimes hours or maybe days. The things I'm asking you for are simple. I'm not trying to get married or even have you change your FB status or declare your love for me. I'm simply asking for a phone call, a movie date, a stroll in the park but I feel like an asshole for asking for these things because you don't have time. But, you have time for the gym or going out with the guys or whatever you really want to do. When I see you, I want to hold your hand or hug you or show you that I like you with non-sexual affection but I feel like I'm going to be rejected if I do that. And so, if I feel like that...the answer is no. These things should come natural.

After our last conversation, the same two phrases came to my mind: "I don't want anything I have to beg for" and "If the answer is no, let me go." I am an amazing woman. I would figure out a way to get you the moon if you asked me. I feel as though I deserve someone who would at least get me a star. I feel like you would only want be around for sex or to hang around until you have it all figured out. I'm not a CD that you can pause, rewind, fast forward and play at your leisure. Foolishly, I've developed feelings for you and since you don't want me in the same way I want you, you're now hurting me.

This sucks because I have faith that no matter where you go and what you do, you will succeed in life. No matter what, you will win. Always remember that. I wish you the best. I hope that you have all that you really want and that any obstacles you encounter are just there to teach you something. I wanted us to be friends and enjoy the city together this summer. I wanted a lot for us but it is not possible.

Goodbye.

With love,

Nina

I feel like an idiot for falling for him. Now, my heart is hurting and there's nothing I can do. I hate it.
The worst part is he still hasn't responded.
Makes me feel even worse!
I've been pretending not to be hurt. I haven't mentioned it to anyone but it does hurt and I have cried. It was almost love. Love is so precious. There was no way I could stay and continue on and act like it was what I wanted. I'd rather pretend with myself than with someone else. Idk. Was I wrong?

Gye Nyame

I've been busy writing my first novel...it has been a crazy experience. I thought I wouldn't have enough creativity to carry a 50,000 word story but thankfully, it has been flowing pretty nicely. In my mind, it would be finished and published by July but I want to beable to take my time and really develop my idea fully. I haven't really been talking to many people about it and some are feeling like I'm neglecting them but honestly. I get off of work and I'm exhausted but I make myself write 2500 words a night. I don't really have room to chit chat about nothing really. I have work to do.
Its just annoying.
I've been super on the fence with DK because I feel like feelings are one-sided and that is not fun. I invited him to go out to dinner on me because he pays for every date and really I just wanted to pick his brain and tell him how I'm feeling. He canceled last minute. He's graduating from college and he had to pick up his cap and gown and he apparently didn't know until the last minute.
I felt like shit because I'd gotten all dressed up and was looking forward to it all day. He said he would make it up to me this Tuesday. I'm just not holding my breath with him anymore. Part of me just wants to let him go. I want to be with someone who is crazy about me. Lately, I've been with people who are just crazy.

Updates

(Written 4/26)
Damn...every time I have a long absence, I feel like" its imperative to say how sorry I am and vow to not for it again.  I'm like an abusive boyfriend or something.
What has happened since the last time I wrote in this space....hmmmm
ATL told me he doesn't want a long-distance relationship and then back-pedaled away from me so quickly, it made my head spin. He was gone for a weekend before I was like...oh hell nawl. We've been speaking but it is definitely not the same.
I had given up on PoF when this really cute guy emailed me. His username was his full name...means he has nothing to hide. His message wasn't overly superfluous with how beautiful I am or what he would do to try to get to know me. It was simple.
Except, I got the message about 3 weeks after he'd sent it. ATL said it was all about timing. He was right because 3 weeks ago, I was into someone else and probably wouldn't have paid the note any attention.
Anyway, he is sweet, smart, funny and he's.....naive in a way. He's 25. He'll be 26 in June. And...I like him.
He rocks out to classical music. Who does that? I'm going to call him CB for Church Boy. He literally stays in church 4 days out of the week. His dad is the pastor of his church. His life is the life I ran away from. (Pseudo-introducing ER before our first date)
I went on a date with this guy I met while facilitating the Octavia Butler workshop. I'm going to call him White J. If you've seen the awkward black girl series on YouTube, you know to what I'm referring. If not, go and watch.  Hella funny!
Anyway, White J is cool. He just doesn't do it for me. I tell BFF about the date and of course she goes ape over it and is like...give him a chance. Maybe you'll grow to be attracted to him. You don't GROW into attraction. Either it is there or it is not.
I went over to DK's house and we had the best passionate hot sweaty sex. He said I surprised him and he definitely surprised me in the bedroom. He's so cold in the street. He never really wants to hold my hand or kiss me in public. At home, he's all over me and sometimes, it just catches me off guard.
When I saw him though, I was angry about work. I realize....I don't like my job. He was the first person I could take it out on....and I did and it was sexy. We play fought until I had worked all my aggression out.
The next morning, I left his house exhausted (hehe) but pensive. What we do....is what we do and nothing is really going to change. It kind of makes me sad because of course I believe I'm worthy of more but so is he but he would rather give me an inch of space in his life. So, what is one to do?
Right after we had sex....as in the next day, I got my period which means we had sex while I was ovulating. Which means if the contraception has failed.....I'd be preggo right now. Scary stuff.
I wouldn't mind getting knocked up by DK because I know he would kill himself to provide but I'd be so alone. I guess these are just some thoughts.
I feel so unattractive right now. Maybe its my period. Maybe its something else. I'm pretty sure its my period.
I'm sitting next to this interracial couple. Dude is African. Probably from Senegal. Chick is French. He says..."No. Its my way or no way."...in the middle of this argument they're having. I thought ...Yup. that's why he's with this white woman. The Nigerian tried that shit with me one day. I fought back and he pretty much said..."If I were with a European woman she would accept it." I said..well go get her.
Smdh
I've decided I want to open up a spa. There are some major steps I need to take first. I'm going to get my waxing license. It costs about $500.  After I get my license, I'm going to look into getting into a high-end salon/spa to get some experience/build clientele. I also want to look into getting a table/space to do waxing on my own in my Hood.  Then, I want to look into being a masseuse. I also am looking into getting into an 18-month BBA program to have a real foundation on how to run a business properly.
On the financial side, I'm working on my credit to be able to get a loan/funding for my spa.
I'm guessing optimically....in 5 yrs...I can do it but I'm preparing for 10 for it to be where I want it to be.
I'm excited and a little overwhelmed. It is time for me to put in some major work....and it wont be very fun.
And honestly, the notion that I could really do it freaks me OUT. but....I believe this is what Im supposed to be doing. So...there we go.
YOLO!

How Would I Know?

He messaged me on POF a few weeks ago and in the middle of my whole ooh la la with ATL, I replied. His name is ER.He lives in Queens and is a pastor's kid. He plays drums for his church and he is there almost more than half of the week.

I have no clue when I started feeling like this and it is crazy.
But....after our first conversation, I said to myself - "This is the man I'm going to marry."

I keep telling myself to stop thinking it because it is INSANE. Neither of us are in a position to marry the other. He doesn't want a serious relationship but...there it is. I said it and if a few months from now, it doesn't work out....that's fine.

I wonder why I keep thinking it though.
 The only other person I thought that about was Afroman. I thought it because I sunk years into the relationship. I thought it was right but somehow...deep inside, I know.

This is INSANE or is it Faith?

Anway, we had our first date today. We met at a coffee shop in my hood. I biked there. He clowned me for being on a bike. I sipped an iced chai latte which he called a liquid muffin. It was so delish. We walked around the neighborhood and talked about a whole bunch of stuff.

We started talking about vices. He said that sex was one of his and he keeps falling off the wagon. (I had sex with DK on Thursday - a whole 'nother story) and somehow he got on the conversation about his wife and future kids.

I told him....I'm going to be your wife. He didn't bat an eye. He just said, "Ok." He began talking about names for his future children. Because his name begins with an E, we talked about Ethan, Eve, Ephraim, etc. We both concur that we hate Esther, Estelle and Eric as names. I really like Eve Michelle or Eva  pronounced Ava.

I said, "Since I've appointed myself as your future wife, I will agree that the kids should have E names just because the only cool names that start with the first letter of my name suck...of course, besides my name...and they can't all be named Nina.

I LIKE this guy. I guess that goes without saying.
He's a big guy. He's 6"2 and over 250 lbs. He's funny. He's really big but he's a big softie and I love it. He's super easy-going but I know that I can't walk over him. I dig that.
Anyways...we'll see where this goes. This could be really big or this could blow up in my face.

I want him.

And if  I feel as though he will be my husband, why am I still flirting, sexing and going on dates wit other dudes? Am I playing myself? *kanye shrug*

Either way, I feel like this:

Instant Love

I'm not sure how to begin this post or how to really verbalize what's going on in my life....not because of anything bad but rather because there is so much to say.

A week ago, a Twitter friend tweeted a poll on if he should keep his beard or cut it off. I DM'ed him asking him if that wasn't a question for his honey. He then informed me that he was single. From there, phone numbers were exchanged and texts and phone calls.

I like this man. Even though there are certain points of interest that make me cautious.

1. He graduated high school in 1988. I was born in 1986.

2. He lives in Atlanta.

3. He has the same first name as The Nigerian.

But, ever the analytical person...I've been comparing him to Trini and DK and he's awesome in comparison. Anyway...I'm not going to jump off the deep end with this one. He's coming to NYC in June. If he comes, I've invited myself to see "A Streetcar Named Desire" with him and we'll see where it goes.

 

His moniker.....I'm not that original, so ATL because that's where he's from. Lol

 

Anyways...I was talking on Twitter again with this dope dude and he was saying how women don't understand when a dude they're talking to has a hectic schedule but yet is still trying to make time for them.

I said...women are expected to make concessions and understand when men aren't held to the same standard.

 

He countered with, "Many 20somethings are out there expecting instant love."

 

He floored me with that one. What if that is my problem?

Am I expecting to fall in love in 5 minutes? This generation wants everything right away...

But then I thought about it and I don't want instant love...I just want love without the games.

I have no clue when I became so serious. Sometimes, it scares me how seriously I take things but we only get one chance at life....shouldn't it be?

Eschatology

I feel like I'm growing up.
Slowly but surely, I'm becoming more a functioning adult.

What does that mean?

I'm acknowledging what I want:
-DK went out of town from Wednesday til Sunday. Tuesday night, I text him after all day of not hearing frm him.

Me: Do you ever think about me?
DK: Of course :*
Me: I'd like to hear from you more.

He then, proceeded to not contact me until today. I called him about 3 times during thatg period (5 days) and none of my calls were returned.
I thought about what I want and what I need.

I need attention.
Trini might have sucked in bed but man...if I EVER needed to talk...he was there. He was always on point with the good morning texts or the cutesy little pictures or the random messages in the middle of the day to say he was thinking about me. I'm no hypocrite. I suck at communication. I'm trying to get better but if I love you,. If I like you. You will FEEL that shit.

I am freaking BUSY but I called him. It might have been late in the evening, but so what...I asked him if he was in the conference for 5 days straight and thus, unable to call me back or contact me at all and he gave me some lame ass excuse about being caught up in reports and meetings and yadda yadda.

Bull. Shit.

Well, I think its partial bullshit.
I do think he was caught up. I do think he doesn't value communication. I do think he has shown me this before.

I don't think I can handle it.

I don't know how much more clearer I can make myself with him but we're going to have a face to face conversation about what I need. I'm not going to tell you my whole freakin life via text. If you want to build something with me...call me. Take me out, let's talk. If he or any other man interested in me can't do that...kick rocks bud.

I'm taking care of my finances:
I don't know how I was ever anyone's accountant!
I don't open my mail. I pay whatever I think my bill is...whenever I feel like paying my bills.
I stopped checking my credit score when I realized how depressing that shit is.
Whilst cleaning two days ago, I decided to open my mail.
I then realized, I forgot to pay my gas bill (since I don't use my stove - another story entirely) and I haven't paid the bill in months and they were about to shut my ish off. My student loan has defaulted and they want to garnish my wages. When I had my business, the federal government thought I hired people and so I owe taxes on wages I never paid anyone. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. The list really goes on and on. I owe back taxes from when I was on unemployment and the government didn't take out state taxes (common) and they have a tax lien on my credit report.

I'm not gonna lie.
I had a freaking PANIC ATTACK!

Then I calmed down. I wrote everything I owe down. It hurt. I'm working on a plan to pay everything off as much as I can while living comfortably.

In the past, I'd swear off eating to pay my bills and be on track for a week or two then realize, I like to eat. Then, I'd screw my bills and go shopping and be in more debt and tank my credit even further.

NO MORE. I need to be more responsible.

I'm securing a better future
By trying to figure out what that future is and working towards it.
I do want to be a business owner. I also have a dream of being an English teacher.
Owning a business that failed the first time, I would want to get a degree in that. Being an English teacher, I need a degree in English and certification.

What to do? What to do?

If  I stay on track with my bills, I can enroll in school in November with no problem. I need to figure out the best path and what options I'm going to take and also, where I will be living....(a whole 'nother 'nother story)

In short, I'm trying to get my act together.
It's not easy but I'm happy with my progress. We all have to start somewhere.

How Ye Doin?

I'm sad.
I don't really feel as if my life has any meaning.
I'm lonely and trying to get close to people makes me feel lonelier.
I'm not sure what my purpose in life is and most of my time is spent wandering around.
I hate my job.
I don't like this city I live in and I feel lost.
All the time...I feel so lost but I look good so...everyone thinks I have it together.
Mostly, I need to be held.
I need someone to love on me for a good long time and tell me it will all be alright.

In the meantime, I'm just surviving.

Darling Clementine

And so....we ordered food and walked to his apartment as the night was warm and inviting. We laid on his bed (no other furniture) as he looked for something to watch. He turned to me with a "look" in his eye and kissed me deeply.
"Is this the part where you jump me?"
"Yes ma'am," he said as he unbuttoned my pants. He slid down myself underwear and said, "Yess!" I laughed and then gasped as he spoke to my other lips for as long as I wanted him to. I pushed his head and body up and kissed him. 
 
I pushed myself on top of him and returned the favor. I found his sweet spot and he grabbed me and pushed me down on the bed and went down on me again. I stopped him early and said rather sexily...."I want penetration."
He laughed placing 2 fingers inside me.
"Damn! You're tight and wet," he said.
"Yup and I don't want fingers."
"Oh, you want this dick?"
I licked my lips.
We'd had the condom conversation a while back so it wasn't awkward.
When he entered me....oh my gosh! I suspect sex feels good for men since they're always in pursuit of it but I can't really understand how it feels for them.  For me, it is like a deep tickle or tingle. I also get off on squeezing it and getting my man off. We had sex twice. The second time, it was so good ....so passionate, I found myself squeezing him tighter and tighter and not letting go. I apologized because it wasn't fair....LOL. I practice kegels at work when I'm bored...ha! He came so hard. He didn't really hear my apology.
So....his roommate's sister has a daycare in their place and he didn't want me to do the walk of shame in front of toddlers. But his roommate said it should be OK. He had to work at 7:30 am which meant we had to leave at 6:45 the latest.
At 2am, we were still up watching The Walking Dead. (Don't ask) I wanted to sleep but he couldn't. I'm a light sleeper. I can't sleep unless its total silence and darkness.
Around 3, he knocked out and so did I. When his alarm clock woke us up at 6:30 and he begged for more sleep, I laughed.  Tired or not, when I'm up....I'm up.
And so, he fell back in a deep sleep while I looked out the morning window listening to the sounds of the street.
At 7am, we rushed out the house.
I stared at him in the elevator - his small slanted eyes...slightly smaller than mine....his full lips that feel like pillows when he kisses me. His broad shoulders and the way he walks....they turn me on. He's so proud and strong yet gentle. 
I thought about those eyes again and I said to myself...."Man, if we have kids, between the two of us, they may not be able to see."- of course, in a non-tragic way. I giggled a little. He opened his eyes.
"How is it that you look so fresh? Did you secretly get 8 hours of sleep?"
"I'm pretending."
As we walked, he talked about his day and why he had to be up so early. He's a computer engineer and they're expecting a shipment of parts that they have to work on.
Me: Why couldn't you sleep last night? I'm offended. I was doing my best to put you to bed.
Him: No, you killed me. I don't know how I'm going to get through the day. I fell asleep for a second but I had to stay up because my roommate didn't have his keys.  I slept all day and so my body definitely wanted to sleep but my mind was just up. You did a good job. *pats me on the back*
Me: Smh. Lol.
I wanted to hold his hand.
In that moment, I said..."Shit. I like him. I want to be his girlfriend and I don't want to fuck this up."
He swiped his MetroCard to put me on the train and held out his arms to hug and kiss me.
"Have a great day Nina."
"You too DK."
I smiled as the train came....I had a long day ahead.

Buh-Bye Pt 2 (Finally!)

He answers it. (!!!)
He agrees to let his cousins come over. (!!!!!)
They do and bring food. He then proceeds to have a loud ass conversation with them about random dumb shit.
I feel uneasy about it.
I leave.

I proceed to curse him out via text.
He doesn't know why I'm upset.

Firstly, we just had wack ass sex and then you smoke a joint, fall asleep in another room and then let your cousins come over. I'm supposed to feel secure in a house by myself with 4 dudes, 3 of whom I couldn't pick out of a lineup. Right.

I tell him I don't want to see him anymore.

The next day, he texted me 'Good Morning.' I replied with the same.

I went to brunch with my friend JG and I tell him the whole story. He's like why the fuck did you text him some pleasantries. You should cursed him out again. He's probably thinkin you're not serious.
So, I emailed him why I don't want to see him anymore.

The first of which was that he somehow tricked some woman into marrying him although he doesn't eat pussy and that is a deal-breaker for me. Then, his erectile dysfunction. And lastly...the wack shit of having a spontaneous party after that wack ass sex.

I told him....
"If we are supposed to have a strictly sexual relationship and the sex is far from satisfying, what's the point?"

After this whole diatribe from me ..this fool says..."You don't have the right to tell me who can come to my house and when. We never had a relationship. We had a friendship."

A friendship is not a type of relationship.

Which proves he's a fucking idiot and he never shoul have gotten the panties.

Ugh!

stress-induced

i can't even formulate words in a sentence to make myself sound intelligent.

i'm stressed out.
and angry.
frustrated.
tired.

and i don't know why but i'm unhappy.

and i think its my job.

Buh-Bye

!!!!!!!!!!NSFW!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesdsay, Trini text me some really freaky stuff as he was getting off of work and I was going in.
That opened the door for me to have a difficult conversation with him that I'd been wanting to all along.

"I'm not feeling satisfied sexually with you. I know it might just be the whole bleeding thing but I just have to know."

"What's the problem?"

"I want you to go down on me."

"I don't do that."

"You don't eat pussy?"

"I have before. It's just not my thing...but I love being sucked off. It's my favorite thing in the world."

"So you should understand why I would want you to go down on me."

"Yes but I hate it."

"Sucking dick isn't that fun for me."

"Yes, but do you hate it?"

"No, but it isn't my favorite thing to do but I do it because it pleases you. Maybe you should do it to please me."

"Mmmm...I'm thinking about you sucking me off right now."

*sigh*

>>>>>>>>

Friday night, I was feeling really "bothered." So, I text Trini to see what he was doing. He was hosting a poker party for his friends in hopes to make a little extra money.

I told him how I was feeling and he was like....tell me what you would want me to do to you.
The first thing I said was go down on me and then I proceeded with exact positions and such.

He says, "Oh, I'll definitely give you the D." - and glazed over the other stuff that I said.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Saturday night, Trini and I agreed to meet up. I would spend the night and he would take me home in the morning on his way to work. I came over in sweats, no makeup and no hair. It was may-jor. He actually liked it. He said I looked very different but essentially, I'm beautiful with or without it. We watched Poetic Justice on BET. In the middle of it, he muted the movie and turned on some music and was like "Dance for me."

So I did my lil strip tease. We passionately kissed. He started biting my neck and sucking on my breasts and going further down so in my head, I'm like YES!!! He takes off my panties. YES! And he puts on a condom and starts penetration.

It was more like a Yes than a YES.

All of a sudden, he stops and is like..."suck me off."

He's flaccid.

Oy.

We try again. Different position. He stops.

At first, I thought I was bleeding. Nope. Flaccid.

He blames the condom. Its too tight. He gets another.

We're good. We're good. He stops.

In my mind...I'm like WTF!!!!

"Your pussy is so tight and this condom is tight too. I feel like my dick is choking."

He gets up. He's talking to himself. Nothing is working.

"What do you want me to do?"  He means, the alternative is to go without the condom and I'm not with that.  So he just got off with a handjob.

I was pissed.

Literally in the past 5 years, I've had sex maybe a handful of times. I thought this was going to be my way back in. The situation was set up perfectly. He was emotionally unavailable and I was emotionally detached. Even if he didn't have all his baggage, it wouldn't work out between us so there was no way I could fathom in my mind a relationship past something sexual but he was not performing his main function.

At least we could cuddle.

"I'm going to finish watching Poetic Justice."

"Really? I just want to go to bed"

"Ok, I'll be there in a few minutes."

About 10 minutes pass. His phone rings.

Ninjas

We met online after he sent me this beautifully written message about how he would love to make my acquaintance. Emails were exchanged. Then numbers and then I found myself at Therapy Wine Bar in Brooklyn last night after a full day of knowing this person...waiting for him. My mind was a mixture of things: is he crazy, will he show, would he be as awesome in person as he was online????

He walked in and was a vision of everything I want in a man. 6ft3, football player build, long black locs down his back and handsome as ever. He spoke in a British accent that threw me off slightly but because he spoke slowly, it didn't really matter so much. We could understand each other well.

Plus..he was chivalrous. As I went to open my own door, he said:
"I don't know what these Brooklyn lads are up to but you will never reach to open your own door in my presence."

That was super sexy!

Drinks turned to dinner and we were flirting with each other pretty heavily. I like to flirt and smile and blush and he seemed to like making me flirt, smile and blush. Halfway through dinner, he said, "Do you have to work tomorrow?" I replied in the negative. "Then I can keep you up half the night then."  "I don't think so."

The conversation grew. He broke out in Japanese and told me a story of how he met a girl in the airport who only spoke Japanese but could write in English and he promised her that he would learn the language in a month...which he did. He also casually mentioned that he has a PhD in BioChemistry and is doing his residency at  a Brooklyn hospital.

Yea, he was amazeballs.

"I want to come home with you tonight."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

He let the issue drop as we left the bar.

"Do you know of a 24-hr pharmacy?"

I navigated us to one that was about 20 minutes in the opposite direction of my house.

"So, when I take you home, will I be invited up?"

"No, you will not."

"Am I not your type?"

"Actually, you are to the T."

"So, what's the problem?"
"I don't know you."
He went in on this long speech about how life is short and if you know someone fits all the requirements you have...then why bother making them wait to engulf them in your life. Your home is the most personal place  you can invite someone and that's how you let them know that you are serious about making something work with them.

"That is your opinion." I changed the subject. "How many brothers and sisters do you have?"

"8."

"And you are..."

"The second youngest."

"Ahh....you're spoiled then."
"You could say that. I'm used to getting what I want. If I don't then I know that situation is not for me."

"That's most unfortunate. You miss out on so many good things if you wait them out."

"Well, my philosophy hasn't steered me wrong yet."

We drove on in silence until we got to my house. Attempts at conversation were awkward.

"Penny for your thoughts, pretty lady."

"I feel like if I don't let you up to my apartment, there will be no date number 2...which is a pity because I actually like you."

He chuckled. "You're crazy."

We pulled up to my house.

"I hope I haven't offended you. My cousin invited some girls to my house. He says one is for me. I don't really want to go home."
"I'm sorry. I can't let you in."

I kissed him on the cheek and walked myself to my door. I didn't turn back to see if he was there when I went inside.

Woke up this morning to find that my test results had come in online. "All results normal. No signs of infection." I thought about dude from last night. I want to keep it that way.

Yikes!

Every time I sit down and say, "Ok, today, I will blog;" my eyelids get heavy and it feels like the weight of my day begins to weigh heavily on me.

Let me see if I can update you on my life as best as I can:

Men
Trini and I have had sex twice. Oh, yes, I'm a little minx. Mainly, schedule conflicts keep us off of each other and some other issues have me recently wanting to be hands off.
Sex with Trini is awesome. He knows what he's doing and he does it well....but....I have been having some bleeding issues. As in, I start to bleed when he's penetrating me. Soooooo...that puts a real downer on things. He was turned-off. I was worried. I went to the doctor. Side note: Waiting for the genitals doctor, they play those awful videos about HIV. The one that struck me the most was the lady who was living with her boyfriend for 4 years and she went to the doctor for a routine check-up and they did an HIV test and it came back positive. She had to work up the courage to tell her boyfriend and he said that he had AIDS for 8 years. I get tested before and after every partner and usually, I get tested on December 1st (World AIDS Day) and I always use condoms and such but I was SHOOK. Condoms break, tests fail, et cetera....but of course, I was negative. All other STD tests were negative but a Pap smear was done. My cervix was red. The doctor said it could just be irritated from the friction and is 90% sure its not an STD. And umm...the doctor was BFF's mom. BFF's mom studied at Northwestern and Columbia and has been practicing medicine for my entire life. It was weird at first to drop trou...but she was super gentle quick and gave me a hug after. So, I've been dragging my feet a bit to have sex with Trini now because if I start bleeding again, it would just be SOOOOOO draining! It's enough for me to not want to be celibate anymore.

Speaking of Trini....
Yesterday, I called him randomly during the course of my day.
Me: Hey boo. What are you up to?
Trini: Just leaving therapy.
Me: Therapy?
Trini: Yes. we're in marriage counseling.

I swear all of the air left my body as I heard that. I understand why he's in marriage counseling. No one wants to be divorced. As he told me, she got everything in the settlement of the divorce. It has been difficult and he doesn't want to not be married but....DAMN! So, yes...part of me...was like RUN Nina. Run for your life! The other part was like...at least he's honest. Most dudes would gas you and make you think things are one way but they are totally different and then drop you once they have what they want.

Oy! I'm a little disappointed but I already knew what I was getting myself into so I should really just buck up and find someone else which brings me to....

Stark. Not sure if its even worth mentioning but I met this dude online. He talked the talk boyyyyy. he was so cute and funny, snarky and witty. He totally decided to fall off thef ace of the Earth. Part of me is like...he's not the man for you if he did thart but ugh...imagine if you founf someone you click with in most ways and then boom...he drops you. I'm super sick of dating. I just want God to reveal my husband to me in a dream or something.

Guess who's bzack?? DK!
Posts on DK

He invited me to dinner which ended with me kissing him so passionately, he got a hard-on and wanted to come back home with me. What can I say? I am an amazing kisser. LOL
I don't sleep with more than one person at a time, so I said no. We've been texting back and forth. Its been really casual. I used to be really into him. Now I'm like "meh."

I just need some fresh meat.

Inmate #388201

Brother Wise is in prison or jail. I don't know the difference.
His son is about 4 years old. He hasn't been with the mother of his child in about 3 years. However, he like any other father wants to know the type of dudes she's bringing around his kid. The girl lied to him, saying she wasn't seeing anyone but he would see the same car in her driveway repeatedly. One day, he came by to pick up his son. He saw the car there and he knew the dude was there so he thought, "Great! I get to meet this guy." This dude runs out the back door.

Brother Wise is not a physically intimidating man. He is about 5ft5 inches. He does have some weight on him but seriously, at one point, I thought I could take him myself...but I think I could take most people. But that is a bitch move.

Two weeks later, the same thing happens except, BW caught him and beat him up and stabbed him 5 times. The most gentle man that I know was arrested on assault and was given a year in prison.When he told me this, I was in pure shock. Its like learning that care bears and pandas eat babies. I will write to him. I am not sure what to talk about or to say but I feel like as a friend, if I go down on an assault charge - which could happen to anyone if pushed- I'd want everyone to write me.

That shhhh crayy.

Trouble

There is an awkward moment when you want to tell a story on your blog and you can't because you haven't blogged in a while and there's a backstory and you have to get through that before you can get to what you really want to say and you kick yourself for not blogging when you should have.

And you just go...

FUCK! ME!

There is also a moment after you have been celibate for over a year where you question your actions, your sincerity for Jesus and why you're voluntarily running away from the peen.

You repeatedly ask yourself...What is wrong with you?

You don't really think about sex besides it being a foreign concept once you possibly find someone you could sex it up with but that seems far off until you meet someone like...Trini.

Can I say that I am super proud of myself for not being a whore and smanging him yet.....although, if it were under my control, I'd have sexed him last weekend and will sex him this week sometime, the fact that it hasn't happened yet and we've been talking and dating and enjoying each other's company for 4 months...puts a smile on my face. Seeing as most women give up the drawls after 2 weeks, using my informal poll of just talking to my coworkers.

And yes...the 4th was my birthday and I didn't get any birthday love. So depressing!

Ahhh...I'm all over the place.

Last night, I had a wonderful time with Trini although it didn't really start out that way.
We agreed the night before that we would see each other Friday night. I wanted to have sexy time because I am a huge lust bucket right now. Turns out, I was itching for some loving because I was super hormonal with my period. So, I wake up all bloody and angry. Trini's brother was coming into town that night and he had to pick him up from the airport around 7:30. His brother wanted to go and have drinks and Trini actually invited me. (I was kinda stoked). We would meet up around 9/9:30. Me knowing black folks and time, I started getting ready at 9:30pm. I looked for a cute outfit, my heels, tight jeans, biker jacket and I curled my hair.

At 10:30, he still hadn't solidified plans with me and I was getting hot. His brother went ghost on him and he wanted to wait to speak to him before we went anywhere. I had to be at church at 9am this morning and thus, was disinterested in waiting on his brother and was more interested in being held, kissed and hugged up on.

Anywho, he finally picks me up at 11:15 and we go cruising around my neighborhood for some place to go. Sidenote:BFF told me to text her his license plate number and the make and model of his car plus his address. After the whole Nigerian thing, she has become super protective of me. And...I got only half of his plate memorized.

SO, we go to this random place that I would never go into alone and it is poppin. Good music. Good food. Random people in there. Older folks 2stepping. Young folks Dougie-ing.
We ate some wings and talked about what we both want. He told me (again) he just wants companionship and good sex. I told him in plain language, that's okay for right now but eventually, I want a husband and some kids. He understands where I'm coming from and I thanked him for his honesty. He asked me to dance. We did some dancing where he twirled me and we danced close like we were at prom. He leaned in and kissed me and...it.was.on from there.

Some wild woman came out of me and I had him against the wall with my tongue in his mouth, grinding on him. I was all over him. Yo...his arms. His abs...his body is amazing. I was touching him and kissing his neck and biting on his ear. He stopped and looked at me and said: "Who are you? This is not the same girl I've been talking to all this time. Who is this woman?"
I just smiled. Something in me triggered on and it is going to be hard to turn it off.

"You're not going home tonight. You're coming to my place. In the morning, you're calling out of work."

That was the sexiest thing I've heard from a man in a long while.
I had to not so delicately remind him of my period. He was not fazed. He said we'd have to reschedule but I'm in trouble.

I love trouble.
He held me close. He grabbed my booty. I held my head back as he bit my neck. Whew! We started dirty talking each other. Soon we looked at the clock and it was 2am. He dropped me off home. He sent me some pictures of what he's working with. My oh my!

I am in trouble.
I love trouble.

Grrrrrrrrrrr

Today:

Work was slow. We're expected to make $1000 each every day this week. I made $186.

One of the chicks at work played rock music ALL.MORNING.LONG. Then switched to Lady Gaga and Madonna. Imagine listening to the same 4 songs every day for the past 3 weeks.

I bought weave hair 2 weeks ago so I could manage getting my hair done without it being SO MUCH MONEY. After work, I was tired but decided to go get my hair done (an hour away on the other side of Brooklyn on a cold ass day) only for my hairstylist to tell me my hair sucks and i should by a different brand because its not going to take well to heat. She then showed me how it would react to a curling iron and it melted. So now, I have to buy new hair.

Called Trini to vent about my hair and he called me out on wearing wigs. I don't know how I feel about it.

Today was super shitty and I pray tomorrow will be better. Its my birthday week after all.

Tagged

I got tagged by Starrla and Gorgeous a few days ago but since I'm awesome, it takes me a minute to blog.

Rules:
1.You must post 11 random things yourself.

2.Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
3.Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.

4.Go to their blog and tell them that you've tagged them.

Let's get started!

11 Random Facts About Me:

1. I talk out loud to myself when I'm alone....as if I may be talking to another person. It is quite disturbing (even to me)

2. I am SUPER afraid of having feminine odor. I check myself 2-3x a day and if I'm with my dude, fuhgetaboudit!

3. I spend a lot of time in my own head.

4. I grew up being very picky about food. I've tried to rectify that in my adulthood but that hasn't happened yet.

5. I feel as though I'm socially awkward half of the time.

6. Only Wynsters knows about this personal blog. All my other friends (who see me on a consistent basis)  are clueless. I would love to keep it that way.

7. I am a very messy person in the house but my outer appearance is always meticulously put together. I'm desperately trying to change that. It is an uphill struggle.

8. I can sit in silence for hours whether by myself or with other people. This seems to make others very nervous when they're around me for some reason. This fact has been magnified by the fact that at work, there is always loud music playing and people talking ALL DAY. I crave silence when I'm at home.

9. I'm obsessed with Europe.

10. I would love the opportunity to be a TV anchor.

11. I always wonder how I'm being perceived by other people but I would never really ask.

Questions from Starrla
1. What inspires you?

a. What inspires me to be a makeup artist? Beauty. I see it in everything I look at and wish to create it in everything I do. b. What inspires me to keep keeping on? Fear of failure. I don't ever want to fail at anything and so that pushes me to persevere.

2. What is your earliest childhood memory?
My mom's funeral. I was 3 years old and I remember the burgundy carpet of the funeral home. Tons of people sitting down. Someone was wearing a blue jacquard shirt. My mom was in her casket. She was very dark-skinned with a black Jehri curl. I remember seeing angels around her singing. (It might have been the cheesy 80's funeral home background mural or real angels...what do I know?)

3. What is your favorite thing to cook/eat?
My favorite thing to cook is spaghetti with sweet sausage and spinach. Meal in 20 minutes. My favorite thing to eat is fried chicken with macaroni and cheese and collard greens. (so Negro!)
4. What's the name of your favorite book?
I have many favorites. The ones that stand out are: The Awakening by Kate Chopin, Wild Seed by Octavia Butler, A Love Noire/Hunger by Erica Simone Turnipseed,  Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Berg, The Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenger and new favorite is: The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Conan Boyle.

5. Do you remember your first love?
YES! It wasn't that long ago...he he
6. What is your dream job?
It used to be "makeup artist" and I have that. I'm now thinking....teacher.

7. Do you have any phobias?
SNAKES!

8. If you had to lose one of your five senses, which one would it be?
We think we only have 5 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sense )  we have more than that...so I'm going to cheat and say temperature. If I didn't feel cold or hot that would be cool....but if I HAD to lose of the main 5, I would say touch.
9. Are you left handed or right handed?
Right-handed.

10. Do you have any hidden talent?
I can whistle. (Lol) No, not really.

11. If you won $500,000 what would you do with it?
Pay off my debt and go back to school. College cost about a half a mill these days...smh

Gorgeous Pudding's Questions:
1. Are you currently doing what you want to do in life?
Yes and no. I love what I do. It's what I thought I wanted by now those wants are changing.
2. What is your absolute favorite way to have fun?
Being with people that make me laugh. I love to go out to eat and just be with good people. THAT is fun.
3. How many siblings do you have and what birth order are you?
8 siblings and I'm the BABY. (yea!)
4. What's your fantasy car.
Corvette. Blame Barbie! lol
5. Where is the last place you vacationed?
Texas. (Heyyy Trish!)
6. Do you wear jewelry and do you prefer gold or silver!
I never really wear anything. I prefer silver.

7. What's the best thing you've ever eaten?
My mom's lasagna.
8. What colors is your bathroom decorated with?
Blue, white and pink.

9. How often do you exercise?
Not often. :(
10. Do you want children? If you have children do you want more?
Yes! I would love a little person but they are hard work. I want the man first.
11. What is your least favorite food? If you had to eat it for 1 month for a million dollars could you?
Lima beans! Are we talking about it being the only things I eat or I would have to have a spoonful every day for a month???

Tagging:
Trish at Book of Me
Tiff at Caress the Fro
Monique at Unscripted Musings
Wynsters! (email me the answers)
Sunshine! (I checked your blog but am not sure if its active...comment please)

Re-tagging Starrla and Gorgeous Pudding just cuz I want them to answer my questions too. You don't have to post 11 more random facts.

Questions for Tagged Folks:
1. If you could change one decision you made in your life, what would it be?
2. Who is your favorite music artist?
3. If you could wake up tomorrow and were able to speak another language, what would it be?
4. Who's your celebrity crush?
5. Do you have any frenemies?
6. Have you ever been offered money or some other favor for a sexual act?
7. Have you ever had a one night stand?
8. If you could pet any animal without fear of being eaten or poisoned, what would it be?
9. What color describes your mood right now and why?
10. What was one thing you had to overcome to get to where you are in life right now?
11. What are your big hopes for the future?

.

Someone Like You

I went on a movie date last night with Trini. The plan was for me to get off work at 7 and meet him at the theatre at 7:30. When I got there, he was running behind....so, it ass me and the ((female)  ticket-taker making small talk. He had me waiting for like 20 minutes. When he came up...we hugged and he apologized for being late.
TT: (to me)  Ohhhh, you were waiting on him?
Me: Mmmmhmmmm
Trini: Ya'll were talking about me?
Me: Of course not.
TT: I can't believe you kept her waiting!
Trini: See, what had happened was....I was here earlier so....in an essence, I was waiting on her.
TT: I don't think I should let you in. You don't deserve her company....making her wait like that.
Me: She has a point there
Trini: You're supposed to be on my side!
Me:  *shrugs*
Trini: You want me to leave?
Me: No....
TT: We'll let you slide this time. Make sure it doesn't happen again..
(Did I mention....I don't know this woman from Adam.)
HILARITY
We get our seats. He goes down to the concession stand. He comes back up and says to me...
Trini: Ummmm.....that lady might give you a funny look when we leave.
Me: Why?
Trini: I told her you kicked me out the theatre with no coat ir hat or anything because I was late. I said, "I told her it wouldn't happen again but she wouldn't listen." So, I'm hoping this soda and popcorn will help my case.
I laughed so loud!  Who does that?
Haywire was a good movie. I'm going to look up the actress. They were hitting her like a man. I have to see if the stunts were done by her.
When we left the theatre, the ticket-taker gave me a handshake and said good job. He gasped.
Lol.
To be continued......

Almost 26

I was talking to this kid at my job and he was just so....young.

The way he spoke to me...the things he said...I wondered about myself. If that were me years ago. All I could do was shake my head. I turned to my coworker and said, "How old do you think that kid is?"

"18/19"

 "Geez...I'm old. 19 seems so...young now, doesn't it?"

"It sure does." (she's 29)

My birthday is on the 4th of February and the planning is well under way...I just have to organize the outfit and the hair and the actual itinerary for the day. Everyone in my immediate circle should know its my day and should begin to shower me with love and treat me like a princess.... :)

 There's kind of a guy in the picture..but not really. His name is...Trini. I met him at the Marquez-Pacquiao fight party I forgot to blog about back in November. He was super cool and comfortable to talk to since my friends were kind of booed up for the night. He's 42. Had 3 kids, a boy and 2 girls (2 of which are twins, I forget which.) He was married for 12 yrs and has been divorced for about a year. His oldest is 11 and his youngest are 8. He works for the Board of Ed in Maintenance and works nights. We have been talking ever since the fight, frequently sending each other pics of ourselves, calling and texting. We haven't been on a date yet which kind of bugs me but not as much as you think it would. Our schedules are crazy and part of me thinks he's scared. When I bring it up, he says he hasn't been on a date with someone since he and his wife started dating 20 years ago. He says he feels as if he were in jail for the past 12 years and the whole dating world is different. He wants to take it slow. We're taking it slow. We're friends.

I like him, though.

 He calls when he says he will. He always sends me messages to let me know he is thinking of me. He makes me smile and laugh. I feel secure with him (for the most part) I talked to my brother about him when I was in SC. He said he thinks its a bad idea to try and date him because of his age and the fact that he already has a family. He feels as though he wouldn't want to build anything with me because he's already done that. My bro has a point.


 Today, me and Trini were talking. He said, "My friend tried to set me up on a blind date. I wasn't having that. I knew the lady was older than me. We kind of just talked first. She was telling me about dating. She's divorced after 20 years of marriage. I thought I was crying...I know she is really crying. Being divorced from the person I thought I would be with forever is really tough. I'm not even going to lie to you. Anyway, we had an interesting conversation. It's not going to go anywhere but she's good to talk to."....."I told my friend about you. I told her I met a nice young woman whom I have crazy chemistry with. She has a beautiful smile and is always laughing and easy to talk to. She's smart, ambitious and is mad cool. I'm not sure where this is going to go. I want to take this year to get myself together after this divorce. I need to figure out who I am. I would be kidding myself if I didn't say that I want female company...whether its a friends with benefits relationship or whatever. I wish I could be friends with someone, we chill, we laugh and talk and we know where we stand with each other." He flat out told me what he wants without putting it in black and white but it kind of is...

I told BFF this year... "I am not going to expect things from people that they either can't or are unwilling to give me."

Friends with benefits...ummmmm...been there done that...am ducking from the person that was with. I respect him for telling me straight up. I really don't expect someone who has been out of the scene for 20 years to want to be with the first girl he meets post-divorce. BUT, I do have to be honest with myself and what I want...I want to be someone's girlfriend, fiance, then wife. I want to have children and build a home together.

Where do we go from here???

He didn't definitively say that he want FWB with me. I haven't (successfully) had sex in a year. I say successfully because the little 5 mins with Aussie was aborted due to it being terribly painful and me bleeding a little bit after he tried to penetrate me with his giant penis. (lol)

Do I want to have sex? Hell yea. Is this an area of my life I should probably leave to God and have Him work it out? Yes. Is he sexy and do I want to jump him? Hell yea. Ultimately, I do want to take my time. Enjoy a friendship with him and see where it goes from there. I invited him to my birthday dinner. He told me he was jumping out the cake and sent me a half-naked picture of himself.

Two words: Geez Louise.

RnR

I have the weekend off! Yay!

I get one full weekend off per month with the new job and this was it.

I'm excited. I hope that its the 1st weekend of every month just so that I can have my bday weekend...(errr...next month) off. I'm new so, I can't really call out or go around requesting stuff so...I'm just going to say a little prayer.

I took advantage of the weekend by doing grocery shopping (care of BFF.) My Christmas gift was 3 bags of groceries which I said hell yes to...I didn't go IN. I just got some fruit, juice, milk, stuff to make spaghetti with and some donuts. After I got home, there was all this stuff I WISHED I'd thought of although I had a list...

Anywhosies...free groceries really are saving me this week since my paycheck was kind of short and the next paycheck will be as well...changing jobs sucks....you never really have great overlap.

I have some big plans for this year and I'm trying to put them all into motion. I think slowly but surely, I am. These things are attainable.

I think I need to see a doctor or change my eating habits or something. The whole week I felt super-lethargic. I would look at my living room (which I am pulling up the carpet and putting down vinyl tile and just go into my bedroom (where the floor is literally covered in clothes) and just go to sleep. I would put in maybe 30 minutes of work and then lay down.
That is the main reason I didn't want to run around this weekend...I really just wanted some rest.

This week, I plan to get back "on" it and really get moving on my home projects. The next big event is my birthday. I am kind of dragging my feet making plans.

Firstly, I hate group dinners in my honor. I really would like a date. But....a month left and there's no one there that I would want to take me out....*sigh*

A few months ago, Twin asked what I wanted to do on my day....I said, Enjoy a spa day alone. Have my hair fly and go on a date with someone hot (and maybe a little bday acttion)

I'm not sure what I want to do and I definitely don't want to spend the evening alone but I don't want a big crowd.

Can someone hook me up with a date? I like black, attractive, smart, funny, sane and taller than 5"7. Please and thank you.

New Kid on the Block

Today was my 1st day at the new gig. At lunch, I was looking around and I was like ... Wow. This is so much better than the old job. For more money and half the headache. Wow. I LOVE IT. Then I decided that I was getting ahead of myself and I should probably give it a month or so.
Of course...there are problems and problematic people.
No one seems happy which my last job taught me
..
Is a red flag.
Most of the problems stem from a certain manager....so....I can stay away from her and be cool.
I've also decided to keep to myself in general. Less conflict. Everything seems like its going to be okay. :)