Au Revoir 2007!

This is the last post of the year and it has been a wild one. I don't have enough time to recap but I will next year....umm...tomorrow.

Be safe.

Be happy.

AND let's embark on a joyous (less) drama-filled 2008.

Bisou Bisou,

Nina

Checkin In?

I was going to a party at a friend's house tonight and I had the urge to
call Photog and let him know what was going on with me. It was 1 am and
I wanted to call him and let him know I made it home safely. Actually, I
wanted to shoot the breeze. He likes to talk and I like to listen as
long as the conversation is interesting.

Hmmm is conversation breeding familiarity. Is familiarity breeding
clinginess. I'm not clingy. I'm kind of bipolar in my relationship
style. I like to show you I care and then I'll leave you the hell
alone.

Speaking to my friend about New Year's plans had me thinking that I want
to spend it in the house with Photog and my bed and champagne. Cuddled
up.

Knowing how I am, I'm scared. I want to BE with someone but then I get
over it. I don't want to move fast but I don't think he'll be scared of
by it.

Someone said to me last week.
"You're young. You're impulsive."
With those words ringing in my ears.....you think I'd feel a little
cautious.

Hmmmmmmmm.....
Yea, maybe I should take one step back and one step to the side.

Men! If you are in the NYC Metropolitan area....here are some tips:

1. Don't try to fight me for a seat. I am 5ft tall with a babyface. I am
not very imposing. If you're 6ft 250lbs., you should feel like a douche
for racing me to a seat.

2. Don't stare at me like an ole hungry dog. Its creepy. *especially
after 7pm.* (shudders)

3. Yes, you with the pink balloon animal. You do look like a pedophile.

4. If you are white and you are on the train past Clinton-Washington on
the train, do not brig attention to yourself. Why does your conversation
get more and more animated the darker the neighborhood gets. Newsflash!
No one wants you here. Drawing attention to yourselfg doesn't help your
cause. Stfu!

5. Speaking of conversations, any and all held between the hours of 12
and 6am should be at a tone low enough where I can drown out your voice
without blowing my eardrums out. *shut the fuck up and yes I am grilling
you and your bucktooth girlfriend.* the later it gets the nastier the
look gets.

6. If you have a woman, do me a favor...keep your eyes on her. Please do
us all a favor.

7. Last but not least, cab driver. Thanks for appreciating my beauty but
ummmm...no I don't want to BE with you and I don't want your number to
"call when I need a cab." Ick!

On second thought, double ick!

Every Mountain Has 2 Valleys

And I hope I'm on the upclimb..for real...

queue music.

"I'm coming out. I want the world to know. Got to let it show"

Just scrubbed my face feeling really clean.
Had a lil phone sex with the Photog.

Paid my cellphone bill, internet/cable/phone, and made a payment arrangement with ConEd. I'm caught up. *Phew*

Let's not talk about my bank account.

Or that I have to perm my hair myself and stay on the train for 2 hours tomorrow morning so my friend can put in a new weave for me gratis.

This is the fine print in being grown no one tells you about.

I'm going to have company over on Sunday night. It's been since August and I need some cuddling in my life.

...and having him over without the fear of mommy/daddy/grandpa.

That my friend...is on the cover of the brochure.

It's a wonderful life after all.

*end music*

Numero Uno

I have to place myself at this position in my life.

And thus, begins New Year's Resolutions...

In no particular order...here goes, some ideas...

*I am way too old not to tell people what I think and want. I hate my hair right now because I half-expected my stylist to know what I want and half-way didn't want to ruffle her feathers. Her feathers are unruffled but mine are.

*I want to be in a relationship with someone who respects me and appreciates me. Someone who lets me be complicated and brooding yet delicate and special. Someone who pursues me and makes me feel wanted and not just in a sexual way. (because its not that hard to be wanted sexually. a man could fuck a goat but to WANT to speak to someone daily and to be excited for them...that's different.)

*I want to be better off financially. BUDGET(ing) is my friend. I want to not live paycheck to paycheck or to do it much more gracefully.

*I want to celebrate myself.

*I want to stress less.

*I want to paint and publish my book.

*I want to go clubbing and dancing. I want to be fabulous.

*I want to not cry every Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday.

*I want to eat better.

*I want LOVE.

*I want pretty underwear and to have enough socks.

*I want my shit to tight overall. Looking from the inside-out and outside-in.

*I want to be a warrior. A tigress pouncing on life instead of life pouncing on me.

*I want to vacation in the summer and in the winter.

I WANT TO ENJOY LIFE!

...Bah Humbug...

I'm not sure how I feel about Christmas.

I spent last night in a gay bar with friends laughing my head off about the trolls that were walking about. I was wearing my cute gold faux snakesking (sounds tacky but its cute) cowboy boots (what else do you wear to a gay club) which were a little too big and my feet were rubbing so bad that I could hardly walk by the end of the night.

It was kind of sad.

I have a friend staying with me. He wanted to go. So, we went.

Now, I'm debating whether or not I'm going to work. If I don't, I'll visit g-ma at the hospital. She's not doing so well. I really just want to make myself pancakes and eggs, sip on some hot cocoa and watch law and order all day. By myself.
Which is tricky, when you have a houseguest. If you haven't noticed, I'm not good with houseguests. And in order to get this one to leave, I have to shower,get dressed, go on the train and into Manhattan. That's a lot of trouble.

So, ummmm....yea. Merry Christmas to all. I won't be a complete moodkiller. That's what tomorrow's for...

*smooch*

So.......like old times

Afroman promised to come over and spend quality time with me yesterday and umm...it didn't happen. I took a nap and realized he didn't call or write. Hmmm....so typical. He said today, but, I don't think its gonna happen.

Reminiscent of the good old days ...without the good. It's just old.

Ugh!

Giving Back

I've had this feeling for a long time and I think it is absolutely necessary for me to give back to the community. Whether it is gay rights, women's rights, volunteering at my old high school or something.

What kind of work,I don't know...but it is imperative I start soon.

Perhaps a new year's resolution?

I don't want to get too involved and screw up a kid's life via the Boys and Girls Club.

Time to find a cause I can give my time to....

Any suggestions?

Holly Jolly Christmas!

I had my RocGirl Christmas party with one girl down, I tried to invite BF but she's not game.

We had a platter of Chinese food (umm..yea) and had a nice candle-lit dinner. I gave them a tour of my apartment. We tried making pink panties ... and ummm...it didn't come out so great. But the jello shots and my heavy pouring hand did us all in. (hehe)

Afroman was in the area, so he stopped on by with his cousin and his brother.

Fab times.

We drank, played Taboo, laughed. SO much fun. My cheeks hurt.

The tension between Afroman and me is so intense. We kissed. hugged. He offered me his jacket when it was cold. (shweet!)

I went to bed with no dishes in the sink and the house is clean.
Now, it feels lived in. I understand the purpose of house-warming(s). It feels like a home when friends have been here to share in the revelry.

Oh yea, GIFTS! I got a pajama set and flatware set from LP and 2 sets of glasses from Gi and some adorable martini glasses. LOVES IT! I love them.

I think I'm just going to avoid BF for a while. Send her some cash in the mail and call it a day. I don't have time to mend what I didn't break.

Happy Holidays (ya'll)!!!

..and another thing...

I'm a damn mess!

I woke up this morning to my cell phone being off because I bounced a damn check. My cable/internet/home phone might be following suit tomorrow. I didn't buy any gifts for anyone because I was so damn broke but am throwing a party for my close friends (all 3 of them) feeling it was the least I could do. I feel like a big ass loser. Afroman was supposed to come over today, but in true Afroman fashion, he thought I meant tomorrow. i'm trying to stay positive, but it is a challenge.

All I know is...I gotta do better!

2007 is determined to go out in style!

I was yapping on the phone with Twin when the doorbell rang. The person
was almost frantic. I looked out the window and there were 6 firemen in
complete gear with axes in hand staring back at me.
"We got a call about a gas leak. Do you smell gas in your apartment?"

Shit.

I wake up this morning and there is no heat and no hot water.

Shit.

I'm at work. I get a text.

"Please call T-mobile regarding your last payment.

Shit.

Right after that. My mom calls.
Another emergency and I can't get into your apartment. The gas people
need to get in your apartment and re-light your gas pilot. Hopefully,
they'll be there when you get home.
Your grandmother is in the hospital. She had a stoke.

Shit.

How much more can happen!!!
Actually, I retract that question out of fear of the answer.
Every mountain has 2 peaks, right? Hopefully, I'm climbing uphill.

Everything is Illuminated.

I mentioned before I think my boss is biased against black women. To back that up....he gave a white woman within 6 months of being with the
company, a supervisory position, a significant raise, and various perks.
Her raise was effective immediately. A black woman with over 10 years
with the company was given a few dollars short of the white woman's
raise, a supervisory position, and her raise was delayed because of "an
accounting glitch" only AFTER the white woman left the company.
I've been asking for a raise since March. No offense to Gi, but she
asked for one in October and got it approved. He's made other comments
here and there about black/big women. Plus...he masterminded the whole
transfer debacle.

Update.
Today I went in to work to get a few extra dollars. There was an e-mail stating hours would be cut, but they would be done with fairness and equity.

I checked the schedule. I was cut 3 days out of the week for the next to weeks. So out of a paycheck that is usually 10 days worth of work, I will only have 4 days. Gi got cut 1 day. So out of 10 days, she'll have 8. How is that equal? Plus, she makes more money than me? SO how does that add up?

Foxy (a good friend who is an assistant supervisor) told me a few days ago to watch out, that I'm ruffling feathers (because I'm asking for a raise for the amount of work that I do and I have the audacity to ask for two consecutive days off - not Saturday and Wednesday.)

When I asked why I was cut so severely, I was told "although you were cut more hours than the average, we may be able to give back some hours here and there"....

WTF?

It is more than apparent that I'm going to have to be an angry black woman.

*devising a plan*

Crazy

The days go by so quickly and I mean to post something and I look up and the time goes by.

I think my boss has a thing against black women. (will elaborate on that later)
Just know that the man could be black and female, too.

Anyways..I'm living and learning and trying to wrap my head on everything. Wish me luck.

So He Isn't Gay?! Christmas Wishes + Friends Who Love Me

Hello Blogosphere!
On Monday I met a dude who stopped me in the street to tell me I have
beautiful cheekbones. More than that, he kept referring to me as cute as
a button. Ugh! I know. I've never met a man who was so taken with me
that wasn't gay, so I assumed he was gay. I know. Horrible. But, that
still didn't keep me from flirting my ass off. We exchanged numbers and
no! He's not gay.
Highlights of the conversation include,
"I love it when I'm eating a woman's pussy and she's squirming in my
face"
and other lovely tidbits that let me know he knows what he is doing.
Most definitely.

I haven't been touched by a man since Afroman left for upstate New York
in August.

I'm craving it.

I'm surprised I haven't raped a hobo.

But.....I'm still trying to bide my time and sleep with him when I know
more than his first name and I can come up with a clever moniker for
him.

He's 33. Single. No kids. Works in the same industry as I do. Cute.
Short. And highly appreciative of me. He's different. He knows about
jazz and poetry. He seems real. He's what I've been looking for. Someone
who puts it on the table. You can pull up a chair or not. He knows how
to handle a woman. I feel like he's in control - like he's assertive but
not aggresive. I like that! *smile*

We'll see where this goes. Maybe past gentle flirting and one lucky
night, I'll be the girl squirming on his face and that's real.

BestFriend is back home and I'm feeling "some type of way." She spent a
month with no contact with anyone in Vegas but still doesn't have a plan
for her life. Wtf! I wish! I wish I could take a vacation from life and
come back not knowing which way is left and which way is right. Give me
a damn break. I want to shake the shit out of her and tell her to focus.
Damn.

Afroman is coming home for Christmas. I'm excited. I missed his lips,
his skin, his smile, him holding me. I missed him. But...part of me
doesn't want to sleep with him because of the guy at the beginning of
the post. But, we've been talking about reconnecting, so, ummm....yea.

Work was hectic today. I was acting dispatcher and did a pretty fine job
at it. I was also told to watch out because management is on a warpath
to fire folks. I'm like "I wish a Negro does fix their mout to fire me"
I will go the hell off. I will have no common sense whatsoever and
wouldn't give a flying nothing. Mr. Phil got fired on Wednesday. He was
caught talking shit about management on a recorded phone call. He didn't
care.

But they also fired 2 other people for taking money in exchange for
favors.

Damn..they couldn't wait 2 weeks. Christmas is staring you dead in the
face.

There were accusations that Mr. Phil was saying shit about Gi in those
conversations he had. He denies it. We'll see. Everything that happens
in the dark comes to light eventually.

so, umm, i'm not dead

and a real post is coming soon.

stick with me....

everything's ok.

til later

....

I'm late for work. Again.
I'm a little melancholy today. Its gloomy outside.

I find myself drifting off into space.
Thinking.
Not thinking.
Just floating above everything.
Not really caring.

Then I snap out of it.
And I try to grab hold of what I can and try to piece it all together.

My life is held in place by tape and string.

Did I ever tell you....

Mr. Phil and Gi are having relations.

They're in a back-n-forth thing and I never told her about us. She
really likes him. He doesn't know what he wants.

They were off and he came to me. Asking if he could see my apartment. I
told him it wouldn't be a good idea. He didn't ask why.

Now, they're on.

I really hope this doesn't end badly. Gi is on the best friends I've
ever had.

That's some big girl shit!

I'm a voluptuous woman.my mentality is that I'm beautiful and curvy and would look crazy as a skinny minny. I'm also hella athletic. I've played rugby, soccer, and ran track. Being big and athletic can go together. I know big girl behavior. Don't confuse big girl behavior with laziness. But then there is big girl laziness. Its laziness that's due in part of being self-conscious about you're body. LP did some lazy big girl shit. She also did some clueless blonde shit too.We ventured out to W 125th St's movie theatre. We saw 'Awake'. It was a great movie. It was coold as shit outside when we left. LP lives on the
east side of Manhattan, I live in Brooklyn, and Gina lives in the Bronx. LP had to catch a bus that would take her across town. I asked her which bus she could take. The M101. Ok. Which side of the street would you
need to be on? I don't know. Ok. Well. This bus goes toward Ft. George. here is that? Opposite of where I'm going. Ok. Your bus is across the street.

Pause.
This is New York City. Its not hard to figure out where the hell you need to go. 125th St is new to me too. But! All you have to do is look at signs or ask someone. Don't play clueless on my fuckin time. I really don't have the patience for that.

Play.
As I said that, it was coming. The street was clear. I said we could catch it.
Oh no. The same way I don't run for trains, I definitely don't run for buses. But, LP, its cold. There are a lot of people boarding, we could catch it.
No. You guys don't have to wait with me.It was so freaking cold outside. It was not even funny. After a certain time, buses come every 30 minutes.

I asked Gi. She'd rather wait in the damn cold for a half-hour than be a big girl running across the street.

How dumb is that shit?

Terrible. Just terrible.

Man the F%&k Up!

Thank you Jenny and E for your kind words of encouragement.

You're right. Blogging is my outlet. I knew I couldn't give it up when a
million things happened this weekend and I had to tell someone, but
couldn't.

So here's the update of all updates....

I was asked to create my own job description with salary requirements.
I'm at a loss. Its amazing that I didn't quit on the spot. I've changed
in the past few years. If this happened circa 2000, I would've probably
had to deal with being unemployed and an assault charge. Having to pay
rent changes things.

But...ummm...yea....its due tomorrow. We'll see what I come up with.

Saturday was really a nightmare though. I was rushing to get to a ball.
I didn't like how my eyebrows came out. I'm going to be looking kinda
scruffy for the next month til they grow in. I got all my stuff closed
my door, realized I didn't have any heels. Went back to get them and
bam! I locked myself out. Shit! Summer (aka BestFriend) wasn't picking
up the phone. I called her house. Her mom seemed a little concerned.
Summer hasn't been calling home. She's been gone since a little before
Thanlsgiving. So, who knows!?! No one likes her boyfriend. She gets
tunnelvision around him where she doesn't see anything or anyone but
him. I can see this ending badly, but ....*sigh* She didn't leave her
keys home.

I told my mom. Thankfully, I had my cell phone, my iPod, and my debit
card. The most important things. She doesn't have keys to my apartment
and there was really no locksmith. I was pissed cause that was really
another expense.

I put on my iPod and miraculously, the headphones (that were fine when I
left the house) don't work and my sidekick's screen has a crack
perfectly down the middle.

What the hay!!!!!

I get to the ball, my confidence is low. I'm low. I don't want to be
there, but its funny....

When I went to pay for my train ticket to get on the PATH (the ball was
in Jersey), I got extra change back. When I went to pay to get into the
ball, it was $20 instead of $30. I got called out as a star. (Which
means that I have a little bit of status. I'm being recognized) and
after more dizzy antics, I won! Yay!

I'm in planning mode. New Year's Eve, the next ball, then my birthday
are all happening in the next 2 months. Excitement.

I told BestGayFriend that I didn't want to be considered his daughter
anymore and I avoided him at the ball. We shared a laugh but once again,
things will no be the same.

As of yesterday, Afroman still hadn't contacted me so I broke down and
cussed him out (kinda) cause I know I didn't do shit to him. He
apologized but things are not normal. I don't think they will be. I've
approached the situation like he left me. Like he walked out on me
because he 'didn't know how to handle the situation' (his words). This
brings me back to mostly everyone in my life fleeing instead of staying
to face my 'wrath'. I think my bark is worse than my bite, but people
are so intimidated by my bark that they don't stay around to see what
the bite is like. In my own head, I know I'm not that bad at all.
Pussies. Haha.

Maybe that's really something I should investigate.

I'm back!!! Miss me?

Painted in a corner

Basically, I didn't get the promotion.
I didn't get a raise.
I didn't get my day off.

I'm surprised I kept my composure.

I gambled and lost.

And I am comtemplating how I will prevent a mental breakdown.
I'm wondering if I should stop blogging so that no one bears witness to my downward spiral. I am questioning who will miss me if I cease to exist.
I'm pondering how long it will be before I give up. I hanging off the side of the cliff with one finger.

No one is here to save me.

I am a mess.

Who knows what my next move will be...
Is this really my life?

Hurt turns to Rage

Yesterday was a culmination of emotions for me.
I figured out that my job is trying to fuck me over.
I've been fighting for this promotion for about 2 months. I spoke to who
would be my supervisor in the department I wanted to move to about a
possible transfer, thus going over my current supervisors heads. The
supervisors where trying to put me as leader of my department (without
letting the current leader know he was being ousted) while I wanted to
move to Accounting. They promised that if I wanted to move or stay, I
would get a raise. There was a lot of sneakiness behind them trying to
move me that I wasn't feeling. I told the current lead that he was being
ousted. He held some animosity towards me for a minute, while my
position in the company was in serious limbo. I finally got the ok to
move about a week ago but there was no talk about a raise which I
desperately need.

Yesterday, it hit me. They're lying. I'm not getting moved to the next
department.

Firstly, the same supervisors who were upset that I didn't come to them
to request the transfer, didn't speak to the head of accounting, stating
they approved my transfer.

Secondly, since I work in customer service and a secondary department
headed by a 3rd manager (yea, that's how low on the totem pole I'm on),
the same supervisors didn't tell that manager that I've moved either.

Thirdly, someone else was hired in accounting recently.

Fourthly, I asked one of the supervisors about my raise. He said oh, I
wouldn't be able to approve a raise that comes out of their budget.

That was really the endpiece to the puzzle. They're playing games with
me. I don't appreciate it at all. As soon as he said that, it all makes
sense. I played my hand, thinking they had my best interests at heart.
They had their objective in mind which I didn't want to be apart of so
they screwed me. It reminded me of a lyric from one of Common's
songs..."my generation never understood working for the man." In that
moment, I understood.

For the good of the company, I've given up having 2 consecutive days
off, for 6 months, I worked every weekend, I've taken on 3+ job
descriptions, and I'm being underpaid.

For my effort, I'm behind on all my bills.

This is from a black woman and a black man who have repeatedly told me
they're working for me, they understand what I've given up, and that I
will be rewarded.

Bullshit.

Today, to salvage something at this job, I will speak to the head of
Accounting and see if there is a way I can have the position with the
intended pay increase.

If his answer is no, I can already feel the rage building. There's no
telling what the backlash would be. I know I couldn't work there
anymore. My bills and rent will be paid. They have to be. Who knows?

So....that paired with the other shit going on with my mom making me
feel huge and ugly. My money being funny. Being lonely and dealing with
Afroman's and BestFriend's absence. The holidays are here and having no
family. Its just a lot going on.

I have a lot of rage inside. I have a lot of hurt inside. All I can say
is....we'll see.

We'll see.

And then the rain fell

I'm really hurting right now.

I can't really go into details, because it's just too much for me.


Until I can...

OMG!

I had a post all written out on the sidekick waiting. But, I had to share this.

I took a color test and it blew me away. First part..here are the results..



Your Existing Situation
Relatively inactive and in a static condition, while conflict of one sort or another prevents peace of mind. Unable to achieve relationships of the desired degree of mutual affection and understanding.

Your Stress Sources
Seeks independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoids obligations or anything which might prove hampering. She is being subjected to considerable pressure and wants to escape from it so that she can obtain what she needs, but tends to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to obtain physical satisfaction from sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.

Your Desired Objective
Her need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes her restless and she is driven by her desires and hopes. May try to spread her activities over too wide a field.

Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires.

Your Actual Problem #2
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.



So true. But I am not emotionally aloof.
See what the colors say about you: http://www.colorquiz.com/

Niggas and Flies

I do despise. The more I hang around niggas, the more I hate flies.

I'm still feeling some type of way about last night. I shouldn't. I know, but some things just get under your skin. I can't help but feel like shit about myself. It was a feeling that was a long time coming. For the 3 days before Thanksgiving, all I ate for dinner was chips n dip with oreos and Pepsi.

I know.

Disgusting.

I was looking forward to spending some time with my mom on Thanksgiving because I just knew that things would be great. I knew that we would shoot the shit and laugh and talk and watch movies together and everything would be great.

I was disappointed.

Again.

I don't know what part of me clings to the fact that I need human contact or that I would be fulfilled by a relationship with a woman who only seeks my friendship when it is convenient for her.

It was all supposed to be better tonight. Afroman was supposed to come over. He was supposed to play Scrabble with me, then kiss me, hug me, caress me, fuck me, make love to me.

We'd been planning this since before he left upstate. He knew since last week. Tonight would be my night. I text him last night. Said I'd be home by 8:30. Gi and I decided to get an after-work drink. 8:30 turned to 9:30.

I text Afroman at 7:30. No response.
I called him at 8:25. Ditto.
I called him at 9:30. Same.

He text me at 10:30, saying he went to a basketball game with his family.

I'm flabbergasted.
There are no other words to describe how I feel.
I'm flabbergasted.

So.yea.....about Turkey Day....

So...yesterday's post was a little abreviated.

After, I wrote it, my mom called me down to get a plate. Her friend was there whom I totally love to death. She's so sweet. Here's how this went down.

Me. Hey Ladies.
Friend. Hey Nina. You look so good. Oh my gosh, look at your hair.
Me. Aww, thanks. You look good,too. How you been?
Friend. I'm good. Oh my gosh, you look so good.
Mom. Come, sit down.
Me. Sure.
Mom. **looks through my hair.** Oh, I just wanted to see how many tracks you had.
Me. *bewildered* OK.
Mom. You gained all that weight back.
Me. I had to. I lost it by not eating for a full week. It was bound to happen. Plus, it took me a while to gain it back.
Mom. No, it didn't
Friend. Oh, don't be that way. Nina looks good. She's never been skinny, but she carries herself well.
Me. Thanks Ms.Mom'sFriend. Yea, I was really really sick. I didn't eat at all. I lost so much weight. Then, I guess its back.
Mom. I'm watching a movie. Go make a plate.

***I make a plate***
**Sit down**

Mom doesn't look at me.
Why does she make me feel like I'm 16 years old again?

I leave. I come back upstairs to my apartment. I decide.


CSI.

Happy Turkey Day!

I worked from 10 - 4pm and now I am home. Sitting in silence. Debating - CSI or Law and Order.

So....

friday
I got my hair done. When I made the decision to perm my hair, I knew it
would be an inconvenience, but on Friday night I felt like I was about
to kill myself or the next person. I broke the cardinal rule. Do not get
your hair done on a Friday night. I left work early and got to the salon
at 4pm. Lets just say, I didn't get out the salon til after 10. 6
hours!!! And to make things much worse, I didn't like how my hair came
out.

Saturday
I ran a few errands and painted the accent wall (the wall where the bed
rests on) silver. Its soo cute. It more of a dark gray with a metallic
finish. I'm going to paint the rest of the walls a lavendar blush. I'm
really looking forward to it!
I took my gay daughter out to a restaurant. Initially, it was supposed
to be ice skating, but I woke up Saturday morning feeling like I got
beat up. My body was really achy. The restaurant we went to was Typhoon
on St.Marks in the East Village. Its an authentic Japanese restaurant.
It was really sad to see me handle chopsticks. Really sad.
We ate, laughed, and caught up. I feel really bad because I feel like
I've been an absentee mother but I had to get myself together.
We were having a great time together til it was time for us to wait for
her boyfriend. He had us waiting over an hour for him. He claimed he
fell asleep on the train and missed his stop.
Who the fuck can't stay awake for a 20 minute subway ride? Whatever.
He's a loser. She said it. I said it in a non-descript way. Its all
about her figuring it out for herself in a waya where she gets sick of
it and breaks up with his sorry ass. He does nothing for her. It reminds
me of my relationship with Afroman. Ugh!

Sunday
I woke up feeling blah. I slept for the better part of the day. The date
with SubwayLethario didn't happen. He didn't call. I didn't call. I was
planning on leaving it alone, but the bitch in me might just call him as
he's getting off of work to cuss his ass out. No one stands me up!
Hmph.

He better be incarcerated, maimed, or phone-less.
If he knows what's good for him.

January 3
Is the date that I get the promotion I fought for. I can not wait!!! It
was either I get this promotion or I quit. I'm hoping the days go by
quickly. I have to train someone for my position. That's the easy part
(hopefully).

My bosses are full of shit. They make it seem like what I do is so damn
difficult. It really is not. It pisses me off when people trump up their
job duties to make themselves feel more important. I do what I do. A
monkey could do what I do. So? You gonna fire me and hire a monkey? Be
my guest...

Anywho...my female manager pissed me the hell off saying that I'm
hostile towards her. Mr.Phil once told me that when I'm mad...its like
the whole office can feel it because my vibrations are strong. He might
be right-O on that. I used to be better at masking my feelings. I can't
anymore.

So sad.
It was a gift.

Oh well...if I think you're a dick, you deserve to know how I feel about
you through my wonderful non-verbal communication.

Oh yea....the achy body, blah feelings all equal a headcold.

*great*

...and that's the way the story goes...

BestFriend and I have been going through some trials lately. About a
month ago, she pissed me off over something small, but I decided to pout
and not call her or text her or anything. I was expecting for her to
call me. Why? Because every time we have a falling out, I call her
first. Everytime she and her boyfriend have a falling out, she calls
him...hmmmm....
I was proving a point, but I didn't expect for it to be a month.
Sounds petty...but hey! I'm not perfect.
She txts me today saying that she's been going through a lot lately. She
got fired from her job and now she's in Las Vegas where her boyfriend
lives. I'm kind of torn about the whole thing. I'm sorry she couldn't
call me when she was down and out. But, at the same time, that was her
choice. I've always been there for her. There was nothing to suggest
this time would be different even if we were on the outs. But...she
allows herself to be manipulated time and time again by her boyfriend.
Its like nothing gets through to her. I found myself constantly fighting
against him for her to truly look at herself in the mirror and see how
strong and beautiful she is. Then, he comes in when she is vulnerable
and bam! She's in Vegas with him: jobless, carless, and friendless.
Right where he wants her to be. I love her. She's the closest thing to a
sister I have in this world, but I don't know if I can be that for her
anymore. a friend of mine said to me that I'm the type to leave anyone
without the slightest glance back...maybe he's right. She called my mom
to ask her about me. My response to her was...BF needs to find herself.
It sounds cliche but...its true. She needs to build on her character,
her esteem, her true goals in life...I'm not sure what my next step with
her will be. Its really a situation where I can't help her. I have my
own issues. Sounds heartless...but how can I see you clearly when I
can't even see myself....

yay but nay!

I called SubwayLethario (thus named until I can come up with a better
name) a few times and each time it goes straight to voicemail. I had
given up on him until this morning I finally checked my messages. For
some reason, I can't stand listening to voicemail. But, there were 2
messages from him. But...still for some reason, we can't speak.
Hmmmm.....
My goal is to reach him and go out Sunday. We'll see how that goes.

But yay! There is a possible man in my life besides Afroman. But quite
Nina-like, he's ummm unreachable....*Great*

Every rose has its thorns....

My relationship with my mother is a prickly one at best.
If ya didn't know:
My biological mother passed away in May of 1989. My dad remarried in
September of '89. I was 3 yrs old. Since then, I've had mixed feelings
about her. She's the only mother I know but sometimes she makes me feel
like a stepchild and I make her feel like a stepmother.

This morning as she was taking me to the train station, we discussed
holiday plans. She's going to South Carolina, her birthplace for
Christmas. I might be working for Thanksgiving and my New Year's will
probably be a big party. She asked me why I never want to go to South
Carolina. Every time she brings it up, I usually deflect the question or
jus say I don't know. I'm 21 years old. I'm bold. I said because they
still call me your stepchild. She immediately became upset, calling it a
lie. "Who told you to say that?" she asked. "Why would I lie?" I asked,
calm as a cucumber.

As she dropped me off, she said, "Well they still call you a stepchild,
I've read in your diary many times you say I'm not your mother."

She sure knows how to make an exit.
But, we all knows she's right. Still, doesn't make it right though.
Maybe one day I will value family and I'll wish I had made more of an
effort to like these people. But, I won't let myself feel like a
stepchild.
I'm too old for that. Besides, every rose has its thorns. It may look
nice but every time I try to hold it, it sticks my finger...

American Gangster + New Boy + Sleeping in Beds

You would think that after the wisdom tooth fiasco, I would be pooped at work. I was not.

Nope!
I breezed through the day. Kinda. I didn't allow myself to stress.
When I stress, I grind my teeth. I bite down suddenly and that's not good. So.....I did my work. I was off in space, I laughed, joked, threatened.

7pm came and I wasn't plotting murders or hiding places for bodies. A
good day in my book. I got in some one on one time with McDreamy. He is the sexy nighttime manager. He laid things out on the line. He doesn't mince words as I told him of my fickle attitude towards moving from one department to the next. He said.....maybe this would be an oppurtunity for you to get something else on your resume so when you do decide to leave you have something stellar.

He's right!No one is claiming loyalties to that place and I'm glad I don't have to pretend.But, the Nina in me couldn't let me let go.I have until Monday to decide. I might decide to go to the left...to the left.....

I spoke to Afroman. Right before the tooth drama,last night, we were doing our nighttime flirting.
I mentioned my apartment was hot, which it is, and I was going to sleep topless...which I intended to.
He said he was going to bed commando.
I had a moment of clarity.

[Let us not forget that he is living with his ex]

I asked if he sleeps by himself in his old bed.
He said....'ummmm....lol....not exactly"

*horns come out. steam out the ears*
I had to stop talking to him.
So, today while I was at work, he called. He said he sleeps on a futon, but mostly, he sleeps in the bed with HER.
so not cool
I didn't ask why. I didn't say anything crazy. I just said ok and moved on to the next topic. Because, ya know, it doesn't require an explanation. At least he didn't insult my intelligence by saying they dont fuck. Afroman has never slept in my bed without us having sex. So, where I stand is clear. He's sleeping with her then he's going to come home for Thanksgiving and is planning on sleeping with me.

I'm so turned off by him right now. The boy in me says "Don't I get to cut him a break for his honesty." The woman in me says, "Eww! He's tainted now...."

I haven't had sex since the beginning of August. What to do?
Jenny ...
E...
Neemie! Help a sista out....Much obliged.

So, that's that..moving right along....

Gi, LP, and I went to the movies to see American Gangster.It was a good movie. Almost worth the $11 Gi paid for for my ticket. THANKS! hehe
It was also a long movie. I got up to sore knees like dang. I'm 5ft and if my legs are hurting, they need to make some type of adjustments.

Denzel was delicious in the movie. He's sexy, smooth, and a gentleman.

From another point of view, it showed how the white man can't stand it when a black man is doing something for himself. Instead of showing Lucas' point of view of how he pulled himself up from the slums of North Carolina, it showed Russel Crowe taking him down.

But, I guess that's the black woman cynicsm in me.

After the movie, I still felt pretty darn good about myself. Me and my purple and green eyeshadow and my high heeled boots trotted on down to the train station, where the train came precisely 2 minutes after I stopped walking. *which is great because while the boots make me feel great on the inside. In all reality, it made my toes hurt.* I sat down and immediately made eye contact with the dude next to me. He was tall (maybe) hehe...was casual cool. Something about him was so easy.We made eye contact. I smiled. He raised his eyebrows. I smiled wider.

I pulled out my phone to (give him a signal) see what time it was.
He said..."How come my number's not in there"
I said..."It could be..." (so badass right?)

He's 30. 2 kids (2 and 12). works at a law firm and a print shop. (but he'll make time for me --- his words)Gi said leave the older ones alone..lol

I left still trotting and with a smile.

This was a gold star day.

(deserving of a long post)

Oh Masters of the Universe....u bitches!

Last night, after work....Gi, LP, Aladdin and I went to BBQ's for drinks
and dinner after our favorite bar was way too crowded.
The night went well with chicken, ribs, and shrimp all around. Drinks
were flowing and I came home tipsy enough to fall asleep soundly, tucked
in a little past midnight.

At around 1:30am, I woke up to the same sharp pain, I've been subject to
before. Damn wisdom tooth!

O
M
G!!!!

I searced the house. No Excedrin. No Anebesol.

The whole right side of my face became swollen. I could barely open my
mouth. It was a throbbing pain.
I thought...hmmm...its not safe to go out at this time of night. Let me
call a cab to the store. It was there in 5 minutes. I ran into the store
a few blocks from my house. No Anebesol, but they have Excedrin in the
little packs. Shit! Ok....I took 5. Got back home...usually 1 Excedrin
numbs the pain. 2 makes it go away. After 4, I was stil throbbing. Shit!
I don't want to overdose on ibuprofen. Fine.

Think. Think. Think.
I bit the bullet.

Mom, can you please take me to the Duane Reade downtown to get some
Anebesol? My mouth is killing me.

Rah.rah.rah.rah. Fine.

I waited 20 minutes for her to get ready as I waited for her in the
cold. I was pissed.

We rode in silence, exept for her interjections that I don't spend my
money on the right things. May be true.

Funny thing is, on the way back, I think the Excedrin kicked in. Shit.

If your tooth was really hurting, you would've put the Orajel on. Hmph!
I couldn't open it.

I got home rubbed it on and went to sleep. It was after 3.
Great.
Is it a miracle I didn't get to work more than 20 minutes late....

lethargic is an understatement

For the past few weeks, I've been feeling like my life is passing by in
a blur. I'm just really out of it. It doesn't matter how much sleep I
get or anything....its just like blah...
I've been late to work everyday. When I'm there, I can't focus. I've
been making stupid mistakes. I don't know what's causing it or how to
shake myself out of this funk.
Its spilled over into my home-life. My apartment is a mess. It took me
an hour to clean up the living room when it should've taken me 20
minutes. I kept sitting down to download music or check my myspace or
something. I have swept or mopped or vacuumed. I'm usually very
meticulous about my lifespace.

I know I'll get it together when Afroman comes into town. No one wants a
chick with a dirty house.I don't want him to see how messy I can be.
He's really meticulous about his lifespace, too.

Bacon, eggs and Bold for breakfast

Tuesday
I must have had confidence shake or something. I put on my supercute
dress, knee high boots, funky hat, and the most subtle makeup and
trotted out the door to work. As the train approached, I walked past a
man who was looking my way. I glanced back. Smiled and proceeded onto
the train. He's maybe 5" 7, mahogany brown, long dreadlocks, goatee, not
skinny not built...somewhere in the middle. I thought about how dry I've
been lately and how I should date but didn't want to seem thirsty by
going into the car he was in. I told myself if it were meant to be, he'd
transfer trains the same time I did.
He did.
We did the same dance. Smiling at each other, looking down the tunnel to
see if the train was approaching.
The train comes.
We walk on at the same time.
He sat. I stood. I only had one stop.
I finally walked up to him and said....

'Are u single?'

[Kind of awkward and a little too forward]

Kind of. I'm dating but not exclusively.
[Ummmmm.................at least he's honest. Think, Nina, what do you
want........I can date around]

Sounds fine. You want my number?

You can take mine.

(I pull out my sidekick)

You have a sidekick, how old are you?
[I am stunned. I lie.]

22. You?

32.
[Niiiice. You can teach me some thangs....aoow!]

I take it just as the train pulls into the station.

"Thank you," I say as I sashay off the train.

I haven't called him yet. Probably today. See what's the deal for the
weekend......

Creep!

I love this city, but I feel like it is over-run with creeps and
perverts.

Case and Point.
I get on the train. I'm sitting across from an older man. Everytime I
look up from writing a post on the kick, he's staring in my face. Whoa.
A little intense. I get up. Get off the train to transfer to another
train. He transfers to the same train. I stand towards the door with my
back to him. I look at my reflection in the door glass, he's staring at
me. I get off the train, I bypass the exit everyone is walking towards
and I'm walking pretty damn fast. I look back, he's right behind me.
Omg! I'm freaking out. I walk faster and I finally lose him on the
street.

Scary.

A Lil Morning TMI

I'm horny. Yes I've said it. I'll say it again. I'm horny. And...there's
no one to help me out because the gods of irony love fuckin with me! I
had the most amazing aim sex with Afroman. If the preview is anything
like the movie...it will be a double feature when he comes home for
Thanksgiving.

It was a weird conversation actually. I asked him for tips on how to
pick up men. He gave me some good pointers. Then he asked me what I was
doing...I told him the truth - laying in bed staring at the cieling.
Then....bam! It was on. Its apparent. All you have to do is mind-fuck
me. The rest will flow. I miss him. I miss his lips, his dark smooth
skin, his presence, his morning-after eggs *wink*

Ugh!

Getting off of work, I feel -quite simply- ugly. It's just a low
self-esteem day. Life is not what I want it to be right now.I have to
pay rent, con edison, my phone bill, my cable bill this week. I'm tapped
out before I even get my check. The bullshit from work is overwhelming.
Evidently, I left the oven on in my mom's house. It was on from
4pm...til she got home until I don't know when. After midnight. I stared
off into space for short periods of time unable to focus on anything
today intermittently. It literally took me saying to myself..'Look. This
needs to be done. If you don't do this, you'll look like a douchebag
when you get promoted and then you fail.'
I'm going home to a house with dishes in the sink, a half-painted dining
room, a bedroom with clothes piled on every flat surface. What's worse
is that I can't find my lipglosses....all 86 of them. I'm supposed to be
writing my 50k word novel. I hate when my living space is not neat. I
hate when I can't find my lipgloss. I hate that I looked in the mirror
today and saw a bump on my chin and bags under my eyes and tired dull
eyes. I hate that I'm not the woman I thought I would be.

Maybe idealism breeds disdain for reality, but I can't help but cling to
the idea that the person I'm supposed to be is better than this.

I'm not in a rough patch....I'm in the valley....trying to claw myself
up so I can climb to the mountain again. The view is always better at
the top.

Halloween was scary bad....

I spent the day cleaning up and napping intermittently. I baked some
chicken and forgot about it. I was so exhausted all day. Later that day,
I decided to go to the village and hang for a bit. BAD MOVE. Basically,
I was forced onto the wrong side of 6Ave. My friends were on the left
hand side, I was on the right....I couldn't cross over because of the
damn parade. The train station was closed. I had to end up walking all
the way down to 23rd street to meet my friends. It was a big mess! At
the end of the night I was annoyed, headachey, and my joints hurt. A
beautiful night spoiled by crowds, drunk people, and horny men. Oh and
someone let off a stink bomb on the train. Great. Sometimes, I wish I
lived in a place less populated.

Work update:
The girl that was trying to take my promotion got fired. Management grew
tired of her persistent unreasonable demands.
A dispatcher walked out on the job. Maybe I should jump ship
too....hmmmmm.........

Here's to hoping I wake up in a better disposition tomororow.

November 1!

This marks the beginning of NaNo. National Novel Writing Month. Neemie
brought it to my attention a few weeks ago. The goal is to write a
50,000 word novel in one month. I've been ambivalent about the whole
thing, but I just might try it in between my 6-day work week, balls, and
trying to maintain some illusion of a social life.

Wish me luck.

[Even though you might take it back in a week when I quit]

Happy November!

Halloween was scary bad....

I spent the day cleaning up and napping intermittently. I baked some
chicken and forgot about it. I was so exhausted all day. Later that day,
I decided to go to the village and hang for a bit. BAD MOVE. Basically,
I was forced onto the wrong side of 6Ave. My friends were on the left
hand side, I was on the right....I couldn't cross over because of the
damn parade. The train station was closed. I had to end up walking all
the way down to 23rd street to meet my friends. It was a big mess! At
the end of the night I was annoyed, headachey, and my joints hurt. A
beautiful night spoiled by crowds, drunk people, and horny men. Oh and
someone let off a stink bomb on the train. Great. Sometimes, I wish I
lived in a place less populated.

Work update:
The girl that was trying to take my promotion got fired. Management grew
tired of her persistent unreasonable demands.
A dispatcher walked out on the job. Maybe I should jump ship
too....hmmmmm.........

Monday morning blues....

More work drama....
I poked my head in on Saturday to see how well my trainees were doing.
The answer: not well. I ended up staying 3 hours helping out. I told my
supervisor who believes I should come in on Saturdays *without paying me
overtime* to help them......
They're trying to move me to the primary positiong in my department
while booting the incumbent out without telling him, or so he says.
Other meaningless gossip going on....I'm a supposed snitch. I'm
intimidating. Nina nina nina....is the problem all the way round. That's
bullshit.
Anywho...............................................
I'm trying to fight through the negativity today...but......its really
really really hard. I just really wanna be left alone. I would've called
out but I can't afford it, so I'll just be an hour late because getting
my ass out of the bed was so hard this morning.
I asked for weather I could wear a sweater in....and I got it....est
all!

Continuation

If you go down a few posts....I was going through some work drama.

Ok...so I got a half-assed promotion. They tried to take it away from
me. Monday, I was ready to quit. They kept pulling me to different
departments....frustration ensued. We had a meeting. They're trying to
give me Rick's job. Rick is primary in my department. I assist him. They
think he's been messing up and want to make me primary. I was really
conflicted about what to do because I like Rick. He's unorganized but
he's a good guy. They made it seem like they're forcing him out of the
position either way. So, I thought it would be best if I did it on my
terms. I told them my schedule requirements and such. They assured me I
would get a pay raise and get Sunday/Monday off or Fri/Sat.
I'm trying to train 3 people to help out on the weekends. They are not
progressing the way I'd like them to. I don't know if its me...my
training style or if its the environment. I'm not sure what to do to
make it better.

The thing that pissed me off today was....
I came in today because I knew that they would need help. I prevented a
huge disaster. I told the manager. We both knew the inevitable, I have
to work on Saturdays, which means I have to work 6 days a week.
But....instead of giving me an alternate day off or some type of
anything...they're taking 4 hours from another day and making me work on
Saturday. Idk what's going to happen. My pockets aren't any fatter. My
supervisor made a comment that I was ready to go (after she picked that
time to train) that I shouldn't be in a hurry to leave. That she knows I
want to go do something social, but to make sure my trainees know what
they learned. Hunh? She's always pointing out that I want to do
something social after work...well yea and is that a crime?

I'm stressed over a job for no good reason other than I can't pay
Cablevision with a smile and a wink.

HIV

Being associated closely with the ballrooom scene, I face HIV closely as
well. Several of my friends have the disease. But, now that this is
behind me, I can share. I had a scare.

I was dating a man who had too much of a curiosity when it came to the
ballroom scene. He was gorgeous. He oozed sex. He kissed me within the
first 2 hours of meeting me. Aggressive, he was the type of man that
could throw me against the wall and kiss me. After 6 hours of meeting
me, he declared me goddess and proposed. But, there were things about
him that had me questioning. He never wanted to meet my close friends.
He'd accuse me of getting numbers and flirting with men. He'd not show
up for dates saying he got lost. He knew my routine too well. He
wouldn't "finish" when we had sex, which from my experience meant he'd
bene having a lot of sex or he wasn't interested. We would have all day
sex-a-thons but he wouldn't "finish"...what? I became skittish. I didn't
know what to do. Then I got the phone call. A is sleeping with B. B is a
male to female transexual who has HIV. She found out about you and she's
trying to give him the virus. They had a 3-some with a woman. They did
coke together. They had a fight and he burst all the windows in her
house and he tasered her till she couldn't move.
My world fell down. I got checked. But, you have to allow your body to
generate the antibodies to fight it off and that's how the test picks up
the virus. I broke up with him, citing I didn't have time for a
relationship. He came to my house, rang the bell like crazy, banged on
my door. I refused to answer. He called me 20 times, I refused to
answer. He threatened to use his taser on me. He came to my house again.
He made a scene. I looked over my shoulder everywhere I went. I waited
the requisite 3 months when it was time to take the test. I froze. I
waited another month. I froze. I waited anothe rmonth. I forced myself
to take the test. Negative. A heavy load lifted, but I was paranoid. I
got every test. Nothing. If there was a weird anything, it was checked.
I was nervous when sleeping with Afroman. I went to a function at GMHC
(Gay Men's Health Crisis). There was free testing. A friend encouraged
it. I got tested for HIV. I was nervous. No one wants the test to come
back positive. Of course I prepared myself for a positive result. I
waited 25 minutes for my fate t be announced. Negative. I walked into
the function. The first person I run into is B. I was speechless. Livid.
We didn't speak. I didn't acknowledge her presence. After the function,
I had a conversation that helped me relaease the anger. She literally
has no morals. She believes her life is over. She wants to ruin other
lives. Maybe she missed out on a few hugs. Transexuals are often treated
as sex objects. Often times, they are abused, shunned at a young age and
made to feel subhuman. Whatever her situation is, I realize that I can
not harvest any anger within myself towards her anymore. God will judge
her accordingly. I'm glad that I've evaded something that is definitely
life-changing. I'm glad I am the person I am. I feel sorry for her and
the downward path she's walking. I wish her all the best.
As for the scars A has left. What he did was irreprehensible. He placed
me at risk, but more importantly himself. He is broken, at any rate. His
ex girlfriend cut him up and got him arrested for abuse. He said I was
who he was looking for. I have no idea how he disarmed me. Maybe I was
lonely. Maybe he had a good game. I'm still trying to wrap my head
around it all. That's my story. Hopefully, it touches someone out there.
I guess this is my Public Service Announcement...
Be careful! Always protect urself...because you never ever know......who
your partner sleeps with, so are you. Love you all!

Hey, I'm kinda cute.....

I woke up this morning determined to be transformed. I went to he beauty
shop at 10. Got into the chair at 1. Got out at 3:30.

I look ovah! Hahahaha!

We're all allowed to have a conceited day and this is mine....it might
be turned into a week...stay tuned.

Welll......

I've been such a mix of emotions that for me to put them in words has
been such a feat that I've decided to keep them to myself.

Lets see...what's been going on......
Friday, I felt like shit the better part of the day. I woke up hopeful
and happy but then my mood changed when I got to work. Its like that
place is poison.
To top it off Former Gay Best Friend hit me on yahoo instant msg. saying
he wants to make amends. I asked why the sudden change of heart. He said
he'd been going through it with his mom and he wanted to re-evaluate.
Because of my pissy disposition, I spoke freely. I told him I wanted to
talk to him about how I was feeling but he wasn't ready. He needs to be
willing to face the ugliness of what happened between us in order to
move on. He made it seemed like he was willing to do that. He said he
would hang out with me more and call me more.
Everything ended well when I went to BBQ's with Gi, LP, Mr.J, and T.
Once again Mr.J had me twisted off the syzurp. My eyes were crossed and
I was trying to make sense. I guess I did a good job based off
conversations since then.

I started painting my living room on Saturday. Its a wine color which is
intense and beautiful, but since my walls were stark white and I didn't
use a primer, you can see every brushstroke. So, I have 2
options.....prime over it and do it again or get a darker color and
paint over it.......but my love for the color and my
stubborness....might have me starting from scratch. We'll see.....its
just really ambitious - this whole project...*sigh*
Saturday was actually a good day. I was on my wat to the grocery store
when my mom stopped me and said she was going we can go together. She
ended up paying for half of my groceries which was cool, unexpected, and
very much appreciated.

Sunday was another one of those days. I had to train my replacement but
it was like training a child. Repeating myself over and over. I was
frustrated. At the end of my shift, Gi and LP asked me to meet them at
Maracas. I happily obliged but my This-is-a-shitty-Sunday attire
wouldn't cut it. I walked down to OldNavy and bought a dress for 7
bucks! Needless to say the day turned around.

Monday blah blah blah...
I realized maybe I shouldn't stick it out at my job. My supervisor added
yet another duty, but hasn't added any much needed dollars. That place
is laced with so much paranoia, gossip, jealousy, and backstabbing. I'm
finally opening my eyes to it. For example.: I got a half-assed
promotion to another department. I now work in accounting Mondays and
Tuesdays and am in customer service the remaining 3 days. It got back to
me that the woman that sits next to me was upset that I got the position
(that no one else asked about filling) instead of her (which she did not
apply for). She's a royal pain in the ass and customer service doesn't
want to deal with her.

To be continued

Stick me in a lab and study me

Because I am the biggest loser on Earth!

Did I not learn from the whole Afroman saga that the past should stay in the past? The one that got away should stay away and not to try to rekindle anything, because I might be thinking with my vah-jay-jay.

Now, its 12midnight. I have work in 8 hrs and I'm up writing in this blog.

Brother Wise called me back tonight. We spoke for 2 hours about everything. We hung up at around 11. I called back at 11:45.

"Hi, I couldn't sleep."

*sounds like I roused him from his sleep*

"where you sleeping? I'm sorry"

"No, its ok. What's wrong?"

"I haven't called you like I should've or spoken to you in a while"

"Its ok fam. You have a life. I understand."

"No, its becaus I like you. I have deeper feelings for you and I know we're both at a point in our lives where this won't work but I had to say it."

****silence****

***awkward laugh from me****

"Ok, goodnite"

*he sounds confused*

I hang up before I embarassed myself anymore.

WTF?

I'm an idiot.

[Funny thing is, I tried to link posts from the Afroman saga series but, I can't find one or 2 to sum us up]

Basically, we were this .
Then this.
Then this.
Then this.
Now this.

Curiosity killed the cat. She came back and in her 8th life, became curious again.

Wow

This morning has been weird. I woke up before my alarm sounded, after
getting some sleep last night. If that wasn't weird enough, I left the
house early. I heard on the news there was an accident on Utica and
Fulton. I didn't think much of it, but as I walked down the street to
the train station, ther was a body on the ground, a van looked like it
ran a pole and hit a person on a bike. The van's front was completely
smushed, the pole was uprooted from the ground. It must've been a do not
walk sign because all the other signs were blinking. It was horrific. I
guess that shaped my morning

I have Kelly Clarkson's 'Addicted' on repeat on my ipod. It brings up
old memories of Afroman. I don't know what's up with Wise. I hope he's
ok. His phone keeps ringing, but his mailbox is full. Maybe that ship
has sailed for us.

I'm planning on perming my hair on Wednesday. I'm excited about it, but
when I see a woman with natural hair, I feel guilty. Women with natural
hair are like a not-so-secret society. There are not a lot of us. You're
not sure how a man will react to you. People have a tendency to treat
you a certain way when you have natural hair. They call you 'sista' a
lot....its weird. We all give each other knowing looks.

Geez...

Ever since the neighbor's gotten a little..ummm...lighter, you can't throw a rock without hitting a cop. Heightened police presence does not comfort me. One bit. Because cops have a tendency of being that one teacher in school who sent everyone to detention for no damn reason. Anywho, prime example. Tonight, as I was waiting for the bus (yea, I know) a young black man was upset and assaulting a pay phone (yea I know). Before I knew it, there was one cop...then a car with 2 cops, then 2 more walked up. The brother was upset over something. But, did no one take sensitivity training to calm him down and tell him to keep itmovin?5 cops? Really! Dang....

2nd Chances?

Ladies and Gents,

Jake has some competition for my affection.

Ok, not really like anyone was jousting for my hand or anything....but, I have welcomed the return of Brother Wise.

Brief History:
Brother Wise is from Rhode Island, but lives in Hartford, where I went to college. He is not your typical guy you meet and fall in love with, rather he is the guy that makes love to your mind so well, you can't wait to see what he does with your body.
We almost slept together, but with no condom and no certainty of each other's pasts, we literally fell asleep together. Rather, I fell asleep as he watched me (!!) all night. After that, he got weird (which made me happy we didn't sleep together) and he said it was because I am the same age as his little brother (who only dates white women, go figure) and I should date him. It took me a lot to forgive him for being such an ass, find out who the true Brother Wise is, and ultimately fall for him in a way where I've ignored his calls for the past 2 months. We've been close until I realize I like him. A lot. I think we could be good together. But, part of me is skeptical because rekindling old flames, usually leaves me in a pile of ashes. Or maybe I'm just stuck on the "what can he do to my body" part. [Lawd knows, its been a while].

Present Day:
Wise called and said he was on his way from Hartford to the city and wanted to hook up. He was coming in town because an artist that he works with was having an album release party. I actually called back [eureka!] and told him sure. He could crash the Ladies Night I was having with Gi and BFF at Eugene's [thank God we were at a straight club, ;=)]. Long story short...his company took him to Jersey City where I didn't know how to give directions to Brooklyn.

I made him promise to come see me next week. Which, he said he would.

I was baffled. All I had to do was ask him to come to NYC and he said yes? Wow.

So, should I invite him to cuddle or just take him to a museum or something and wish him a good drive home?
Will he even show up?
Should I rekindle what didn't have a chance to form into a true flame or leave it as us just being friends?
Will curiousity finally kill the cat?

Stay tuned....

Girl Date!

Gi and I went downtown to get her a cute dress from American Apparel. We made our way to our fave haunt not too far away and had an amazing conversation. We talked about her absentee father, my absentee everyone. We discussed love and her overprotective mom. It was great. I only got 3 hours of sleep last night -between the depression and caffeine.I love my friends. They truly are my fam.

I'm still infatuated with Jake. I don't like the person I am sometimes around him. In person, I'm sassy and cutesy. On the phone, I'm witty and clever. Mostly....via email...*haha* I'm needy. I need a hug. I need support. I'm trying to substitute him for something and we all know its gonna end badly.Tomorrow....me and the usual girl crew + some others are hitting up Eugene's...a straight club [on Friday nights]. Maybe we'll meet someone worth a date or two....or at least someone worth taking home [wink]. I'm excited to be in the presence of men who are attracted to me - not as a Barbie or a project...but you know.....

Wish me luck :)

Dear BestFriend,

I wish you would listen. Just sit quietly and listen to me moan and groan.
I wish you would let me cry and let the teardrops cascade down my face and pool at my chin and stain my shirt.

Because I am stoic in nature and the breakdown that happens once in a blue is beautiful. Because I never let myself be broken. Because I listen and listen and listen some more, patiently.

There is this bubble in my chest and I need to burst it.
Let me hold the pin prick.

I wish there were arms that would hold me.
I wish for my daddy. I wish for my mama. I wish for siblings who are estranged and for more friends like you. I wish for relics of days past that will never be here ever again.

I wish I could sleep at night.
More importantly, I wish that "Naima" wasn't my only friend tonight and that she is the only one who will let me sing my blues - my worries - in peace without calculating a budget or giving me advice or anything.

But, tonight, I will let a few tears fall. I will not see through my dark clouds.
And tomorrow, I will wear a little concealer and royal purple. I will hold my head high and perpetrate invincibility.

And all will believe it.
Even you.

In the Face of Defeat

"When you move back home, you're moving into the smaller bedroom."

This is what the stepmother said to me today.

I am struggling and it shows. I really really need to get a second job in order to live any type of decent lifestyle. I feel like a vagabond.
I am really trying hard to keep it all afloat and give that carefree, easy breezy demeanor which seems to be working until you get close to the Monet and you see all the paintstrokes.

It really hurts me that she would say that to me. But, then again, I don't look to her for empowerment.

On days like this, when I blast John Coltraine's "Naima" over and over to make myself feel better, I wish I could.

I wish I could.

How Typical!

I am infatuated with an older man who is bi-sexual. I will call him Jake. He is sexy, intelligent, sarcastic, quick-witted, and everything that I want in a man. [Except for the he sleeps with
other men thing]I know bi-sexual doesn't mean gay. But, my experience with gay men states that bi-sexual is a masked term for gay. Its kinda the same thing to most people if you're a man. If you're a woman, its sexy to sleep with other women...therefore no problem. If you're a man, sleeping with other men and women is seen as a health risk and causes a whole host of problems.

Talking to Jake after a long day is heart-warming. He makes me laugh. He makes fun of me. He's someone I can talk to about anything. He's a gentleman. I don't think about him sexually, but I do think about what it would be like to date him, to hang out with him on a one-on-one level.I guess this is an occupational hazard of being a "hag." I know there is no future. I know there is no reason for me to even wonder about him. He is totally unattainable. He is an enigma - someone you would know for years and still not know. Yet, those are the reasons I am drawn to him.

Hopefully, it will pass. After 3 years of being in the ballroom scene, I have had my crushes on a few of the men I've encountered. Some of my best friendships are with men that if they were straight, would surely be in serious trouble. One was almost taken to that other level. He ooozed sex. Everytime I was around him, my face was hot. My blood was pumping. He was another who was bi-sexual. He has a reputation for fucking anything. But, being in his presence, made me forget about his reputation. When he hugged me, I felt like undressing. I've been attracted to only 2 other people like that before. It is a powerful thing. Looking back on it, as I see this person at balls with their male lover, I am glad I did not take it to that next level. As I know the same would be with this man.

But I do enjoy his conversation.I do love it when he takes my hand and walks me through the crowd. I feel beautiful when he talks to me. He makes me feel safe when he's around.

All I can say is, Man I need a boyfriend!

Back Up - She's Ovulating!

My hormones are going crazy. I was [especially] bitchy all week even though I doubt anyone noticed a difference. And today, on my way to get breakfast, I saw scores of people participating in the Breast Cancer Walk and I got choked up. I literally had to hold back the tears. Wtf?

I gained the sick weight back...cause I'm a winner!

The ball is tonight. I haven't had more than 3 hours a night. So, this should be ummm...interesting. My dresses to wear to the ball and to compete in make me feel like a pretty princess so that helps....even if I fall a sleep halfway through.

Sometimes, NYC is really just too damn much to stomach.
6am. I'm on the train to work. I look up and the guy across me is jerking off staring at me. I'm like...wait...I'm not seeing what I'm seeing, right? right! WRONG!

It was disgusting and a very traumatic way to start the day. Yuck

Promising

This morning was very promising. After 2 hours of sleep, I woke up an hour late. Left the house with my shirt on backwards, and my "waterproof mascara" ran by the time I got to work.

I will not be an angry black woman today

I will be sweet and kind and courteous and totally totally mellow.


:)



I hear echoes of smug "Good Lucks" but...I don't care.


Hmph!

It is Finished!

The outline for my mini-novel. It will be a compilation of short stories that have the same theme (trying not to give it away). I'm so excited. I'm thinking of coverart and all sorts of things. I'm about 3 pages away from finishing the story which I have to write because both hands are hurting - carpal tunnel - ouch.

What else has been going on????

Its weird, I dreamt my skin was irritated and breaking out. I guess its because the ball is on Saturday and I'm nervous about competing.

I spent 5 hours waiting on a plumber to fix my bathtub that's been stopped up for like 2 weeks, for him to come and do 5 minutes of work. BUT, I don't have to go through the process of gathering my stuff, taking it downstairs to my mom's house, showering, bringing it upstairs....blah blah blah..I appreciate the simple things...


That's all folks...

You knew it was Coming!!!

I made a few minor changes to the blog in terms of the look. Hope u likey and I hope its not too BRIGHT! I'm surprised I kept the other template for soo long.

Gentrify Me

gen·tri·fi·ca·tion /ˌdʒɛntrəfɪˈkeɪʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[jen-truh-fi-key-shuhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun 1. the buying and renovation of houses and stores in deteriorated urban neighborhoods by upper- or middle-income families or individuals, thus improving property values but often displacing low-income families and small businesses.
2. an instance of gentrifying; the condition of being gentrified

To say the neighborhood is changing, would be an understatement. Caucasians have been creeping up in my neighborhood, buying houses and settling in for the past year. There has been an influx of houses being built for "low-income families," yet they want a minimum of 60k for them. Ummmmmm...it's cheap when compared to a studio apartment in Manhattan for $1250/month..but for a single mother already struggling on her own...it's a little much.So, because this is cheap for those who already pay exorbitant prices in Manhattan, they venture out to Brooklyn. It used to be the less urban areas - Fort Green, Boerum and Clinton Hills. But, now the migration has shifted to place like Bed-Stuy, Flatbush, and my neighborhood, Crown Heights.

I understand that this is a free country and people can live where they want but for me and for most of the folks I know, I feel as though the outside world belongs to whites and that I am in their house with dirty sticky fingers and am not wanted there. It is a comfort to go home to people that look like me, act like me, and understand what I'm going through. I work in an environment that is not controlled by anyone that looks like me and am constantly fighting against the grain to do 10x more to get just a crumb of what they're getting. (I also face sexism - because my male counterparts make more $$ than me and do less work, and at times ageism...but this is another story.)Yet, I am told to swallow the it and be thankful for a job.

At UHA (University of Hartford, where I completed some college and owe a pile of money to), there were 6,000 students, 200 of them black. New England is not a nice place at times and the racial divide is apparent. I've seen the difference between white and black when in West Hartford, a predominantly white community where the school was located, there are winding driveways, huge colonial houses and in East Hartford, a predominantly brown neighborhood, there were literally shacks (in some areas), homelessness and the quality of life is clearly compromised. It made me wonder, are the two (East and West) only separated by train tracks (literally)? Is it skin color? Along with the New England chill, I experienced the shock of having some of my fellow classmates write a letter to the president of the school inquiring as to why there were so many monkeys on campus. Since my freshman year had the most brown students entering the school. The contents of the letter included other such derogatory words that boggled my mind and had me question my own safety. Yet, I adapted. I joined the rugby team. I wrote for the school newspaper. I worked a 24 hour week. I earned a satisfactory GPA, all the while struggling as I watched my roommate from New Hampshire (eek!) party from Tuesday through Saturday, barely scratch out a 2.5, and shop every weekend with her parent's money. What caused our divide? Was I so diligent because I knew that the burden of paying for close to everything lay on my shoulders or was it that I knew what I had to face in the classroom and in the boardroom were the same?

My experience at UHA in regard to the outrage at my presence is part of the basis of my resentment at the presence of whites in my neighborhood. It is a classic example. If a black person moves into a white neighborhood, they face some sort of hostility. (Do I have to take you back to that episode of Sex and the City when Blair Underwood as Dr. Robert Leeds was trying to get into Miranda's co-op and he was faced with lots of adversity. The only reason he got in was because Miranda fought for him...which leads me to another point but that's another post). When whites come into black neighborhoods, no one says anything. This takes make back (yet again) to the essence of what Malcolm X was saying with black nationalism and integration. Blacks look to white presence in their schools, communities, almost everywhere as validation. What are they validating? Us, as a people. That we matter and that we're the prettiest girl at prom or something. Even with early Malcolm, when he said that milk in coffee makes it weak, making it synonymous with blacks not strengthening their bond BEFORE allowing whites to creep in. Yes, we did have a great outpouring with the Jena6 but that's the only time we band together. What about on a smaller level in our neighborhoods?

Many argue with me that its not racism anymore...its classism. But, I argue back that these two are (essentially) the same.

Who do we see in the poorest of neighborhoods? Who are those displaced by natural disasters (i.e. Katrina) or environmental factors (i.e. gangs, drugs) because they cannot afford a way out?

With that said, I do understand the classism debate. But, excuse me if I don't buy into the whole "rags to riches", Horatio Alger, Honest Abe; anyone can make it if they try really really hard. You can't subtract white privilege from the equation. Yes, there are the Condoleezas and the Oprahs. But for each of them, there are 10 little black girls like myself with their nose on the grindstone trying to break through the glass ceiling at their lowly Midtown jobs that their not even passionate about but pays the rent(slight tangent there, my apologies).


It is true that neighborhoods change all the time. Gentrification works the other way as well. When prices fall people flock to a certain area because of this. There is a vast migration from NYC to New Jersey going on right now. Bushwick used to be a Jewish area before it was mainly Latino .Red Hook was Italian before it was home to many blacks. Its more of a mixed bag now.Neighborhoods take years to change completely. But, I want to hold on to something - my neighborhood - the places I've spent my childhood, the old woman next door who knew my family 10 years before I was born, and the boy turned man three doors down that I've had a crush on since adolescence. This is apart of who I am. This is what is important. This is home.

Drinkin w/the boss man

I'm so tipsy right now....borderline drunk...we'll see if this makes any sense.

After work, I wanted a cocktail.I went out with GiGi, LP, and Aladdin (my boss - well one of my bosses). He paid for all but one of my 4 drinks... Things were going great until the end of the night when he wanted to play the "would you fuck" game with all of the men in the office, saving himself for last. He talked about how he likes all 3 of us, he thinks I'm soooo cute, and how he loves to eat the pussy. Specifically, he'd eat Gi's and my puss for an hr and a half. Ummmmm.....yea....

We all changed the subject the good girls we are!

Apple Martinis are the devil.

I'm making chicken alfredo! Yummmm....
I hope I don't feel this in the morning....ugh.....

sometimes...

i feel so alone and overwhelmed and as though i made poo out of my life.

i don't know where i'm going. i don't know what i'm doing. i have a phone full of numbers, but no one to call to make me feel better.

just great.

Damn You, Nepotism!

I feel especially oppressed today...which may seem a lil melodromatic, but I lost the promotion.

To the VP of Customer Care's daughter.


Bitch!
She wore sneakers to the interview! SNEAKERS!

I wish I could say that I haven't felt so stifled at a job in all my life, but I have and this shit sucks.

I feel as though I'm fighting against a huge tidal wave and the more I fight, the higher and stronger it gets. I was counting on this promotion. It was to be my 'get out of jail free' card. To make it worse, people were rooting against me. Why? Because they didn't want me to leave the department.

That's heartwarming, but who does that?

I am depressed. I feel like I'm in a box and that box is steadily filling up with water.

Does anyone have a sledgehammer I can borrow?

I'm probably going to hell for this....

but, I couldn't help it. I love living alone. It's just me being whatever I choose to be at the moment I choose to be it.

Best Friend invited herself over today at arond 5pm. I was in the middle of my closet conversion. Putting the summer dresses away (even though I can still wear them...its hot outside) and breaking out the fall/winter gear. It's my season-change ritual, a time to reflect and wish-list in my head. I wanted to finish that, make dinner, watch NCIS, Cane, and Cold Case with a Mint Julep mask on my face, write a little, listen to some Coltrane and make it a night. Best Friend disrupted all of that. She told me for the millionth time how much she hates her boyfriend and his mother and wah wah wah wah wah wah.

I'm sorry.

I am everyone's Dr. Phil. I listen and listen and listen. I was out of patience. I told her. Look, you're not happy. He's cheating on you - that's apparent. Do something about it. Look at this. This is the choice you're making - to not be happy and continue this relationship that's dead. She looked like I slapped her. I've never been so blunt with her about how I feel about her boyfriend. (hello passive aggressiveness) But, she took it and she looked up flights to Las Vegas (where the boyfriend and her stuff are) and a way to ship her things back to NY. She started talking about how she was going to end it. So, I guess what I said worked.

At 7, I made dinner. We ate, watching CSI. I was annoyed at her. I didnt want her in my space anymore. She's been annoying me for a few days now. Its a number of things, but I just wanted her to go home. It's one thing to kick Afroman out but another thing to kick your best friend of 9 years, who nursed me back to health when I was sick out of my house. So, I told her I was going to sleep, laid in the bed for 1/2 hr before she left.

I feel guilty. I should've just told her I wanted my space. But, feigning sleepiness is easier or is it?

Every action has a reaction, but sitting here, typing this with my Mint Julep mask, watching NCIS on dvr...it seems worth it..let's just hope she doesn't find the link to this blog...

I Got Boots!!!

The stepmother took pity on me (last week I asked to borrow her flat knee-length boots and she said no :-( and best believe I was salty as shit about that) and bought me some boots. This is from a woman who didn't even buy me birthday gifts ever since I was 13. She just gave me money and said enjoy. Buuuutttt, I get this cryptic message - "Knock on my door when you come home" and I call her this morning when I got up and she's like "Go in my room. There's something in there for you."

BOOOOTS!

I love boots. Because I've done track, soccer, and rugby, my calves are very muscular. It's hard for me to find boots that come above them. But these do!(I think it's because I still have the sick weight off) But, nevertheless, I have this gift and I'm very grateful.

See, it doesn't take much to make me happy....

Funkier than a mosquito's peeter

the title has nothing to do with the post, but it's my new fave nina simone song.

i'm so freakin excited, even if my punctuation doesn't show it. i didn't feel like typing like a regular person..to see if i could do a whole post without being neurotic about things like capital letters...

anywho! even though my sidekick is toast, i had wonderful day. twin and i hit the fabric district for some inspiration for my ball costume. i had to talk twin into getting this particular fabric. he wants me to do more color, but i can't help that its an ovah black material. he didn't see my vision until he made the complete dress. but, it's goooorgeous! i'm so in love with it. i wish i could wear it around the house with a lil apron on like suzy mofo sunshine. i'm trying to get the girls together for a production which seems to be the hardest thing. plus, i don't have patience. in my former house, i worked alone. if i wanted something, i went out and got it done myself. this new house works differently. its great, but i have to adjust to not being the rhinestone cowboy anymore and to having another sister that competes in the same category as me. sharing the limelight and making decisions together is sooo taxing. but...at the end of the day, i'm happy...i know my shit will be on point.

other than that, today started off really dismal and its ended with me being tired, happy, and looking forward to something interesting being on my dvr.

and with that mates, goodnight.

kisses!

Goddamnit!

Yesterday, my soda spilled in my bag with my phone, my latest story, and all the other shit that's in there. I thought nothing of it until today when my sidekick decides to have a white screen and not turn off or on. I take it to the T-mobile store and the rude ass sales guy is like did u have it in extreme heat or cold or did u drop in the tub or something. I'm like..no...but my soda did spill. He goes bingo! Its not under warranty anymore...so you have to buy a new phone. *SONOFABITCHGODDAMNIT! FUCK!
I was so mad, I could spit! SHIT!
My funds are sort of depleted with me paying rent this week and all the other shit I
have to pay at the end of the month.

I'm so spoiled. I have to have a sidekick. I can't imagine not having a phone with im and email and web. Its just not possible.

If its not one thing...goddamnit it's another.


*sorry about the swearing...but you understand my pain.

Shout Out!

I told myself that I was going to shout out new (and not so new) blogs that hold my attention bi-weekly. I'm not sure if I'm on schedule. But, anywho, my boyfriend's back and he's better than ever!!!! (lol)

Meet... Frank Leon Roberts

He's a dreamboat and oh so sexy.

His blog is funny, smart, interesting, and very relevant to what's going on in the community. Check him out!

..and sorry ladies...he's interested in the same thing as we are. You know I tried! ;-)

Hold the Phone!

"Don't get too familiar with me.."
Lately, I've been feeling this way towards most of my coworkers. This woman (who I think has an unhealthy obsession with black folks)pinches my cheeks every (frickin) day. I ignored it, but its been bothering me for the past few days. I said - WAIT a goddamn minute here - I'm a grown woman! I'm not some cutesy little girl. Plus, I'm not so keen on people touching my face. In fact, I HATE people touching my face. I don't know if you wash your hands when you go to the bathroom. I don't know if you scratch your ass or your hair or touch doorknobs and then put your bacteria-infested hands on my face. EEK!

I work for a car service as a reservationist. A driver came in talking to me, calling me by my first name like we've known each other for years. Like yea, Nina, let me know. I get very anxious when people try to know you too well, too quickly. Like...why? what are your ulterior motives?
I think I'm calling myself Nina from now on, by the way. For some reason, at the club on Friday night, I referred to myself as Nina with Gi and LP. They were like wha??? That's my ballroom alter ego. When I compete, I think of myself as Nina, that bad-ass chick on the street that turns heads and makes men's tongues wag.

So..that's me..NINA. (lol)

Anywho, back to the tangent at hand, You don't know me dude. He said my name like 10 times in the span of like 3 sentences. Yuck.

At times, because I look young and sorta cute. I feel as thought people look at me as though I'm a tart and I want to go....I WAS SMART WAAYYYY BEFORE I WAS CUTE. I HAVE A 3.86 GPA FROM UHA. I REEEEEEAD! MY FAVORITE WRITER ALONG WITH ERICA SIMONE TURNIPSEED IS OCTAVIA BUTLER AND KATE CHOPIN! I CAN WRITE! I CAN CONSTRUCT PERFECT SENTENCES. I KNOW HOW TO USE A SEMICOLON! MY FAVORITE MUSEUMS ARE MOMA AND WHITNEY. AND BESIDES THE ARCHITECTURE, THE GUGGENEHEIM IS KINDA OVERRATED. I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT BASQUIAT, DAVID HAMMONDS and GEORGIA O'KEEFE. I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT DHORUBA BIN WAHAD AND ASSATA SHAKUR AS WELL AS BIGGIE AND OUTKAST! I AM NOT JUST A PYT. GEEEEZ. But, I'm passive-aggressive in the most infuriating way and I just smile and grit my teeth, while planning whomever's total destruction.

Don't underestimate me. You may just be my next victim.

How I'm Feeling Today (a musical perspective)

Brown Skin Lady - BlackStarr
I don't get many compliments, but I am confident
Used to have a complex about, gettin too complex
You got me, willin to try, looked me in the eye
My head is still in the sky, since you walked on by
I'm feelin high, got my imagination flickerin like hot flames
it's how it seems, you make me wanna ride the Coltrane to A Love Supreme
My brown lady, creates environments, for
happy brown babies, I know it sounds crazy
but your skin's the inspiration for cocoa butter
You provoke a brother we should get to know one another
I discover when I bring you through my people say TRUE, all I can say
is all praise due I thank you God for a beauty like you
o look just like you?
Dark stocking, high heels, lipstick, alla that
You know what?
Without makeup you're beautiful
Whatcha you need to paint the next face for
We're not dealin with the ? of standard beauty tonight
Turn off the TV and put the magazine away
In the mirror tell me what you see
See the evidence of divine presence
Women of the, Carribean, they got the, golden sun
I know women on the continent got it
Nigeria, and Ghana, you know they got it
Tanzania, Namibia and Mozambique
and Bothswana, to let it speak
about latinas, columbianas

Robin Thicke: Would that make you Love Me
If I wasnt who I was
If I wasnt me
Would u stand next 2 me in the street
If I changed my hair
Would u then be proud
If I ran round town with a different crowd
Would u be my baby
If I had more money
Would that make u love me more
Would that make u love me more

If I practiced a different religion
If I spoke my words differently
If I changed my tune 2 your favorite song
Would u wrap your arms around me
If I dug down deep 2 the bottom
Would u love me unconditionally
If I sound like u and we laugh the same
Would u mind if I hang around
Would that make u love me more
Would that make u love me more

If I came 2 u from a different place
Would my message finally be heard
If its just me and u and theres no one else
Would u see how much were the same
Would u be my lover
If I'm a different color
Would u be my brother
Would that make u love me more



Foo Fighters: The Pretender
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one in your place
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

Gots to be Real

Good morning! I'm not so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I'm quite annoyed with myself for hanging out last night and for not sleeping and for going to work like this AGAIN. I'm irritable and highly-succeptible to smacking someone square in the mouth, if pushed. Its just one of those days, ya know. No Patience Saturday is in effect. Yet, in the midst of my super duper funk, I thought I caught a glimpse of RastaMan on the train this morning. That's why I chose to sit in the car I sat in.

There he was, beautiful chocolate brown skin, long neat dreadlocks, moustache, enviable cheekbones, slim, tall, but not RastaMan. In my head I wasscreaming IMPOSTER! IMPOSTER! But I was also contemplating getting hisnumber, asking him out....because suddenly, in my super duper funk I have grown a nice set of cajones. But, upon a second and a third/fourth/fifth glance, I realized I was trying to sell myself an illusion. He's not RastaMan. He could never be (especially with the way he swung his head around when the girl behind him fell asleep and laid her head on his back...hmmmm kind of effeminate) and in the end....I want the real thing. At this stage in our relationship, I'd have a better chance at winning the hope diamond in the mail through a raffle.
But, a girl can dream can't she?

Where's my raffle ticket?

This is gonna hurt in the morning....

After work, Gi, LP, and I went to Slate to meet up with Gi's gay for drinks and dirty talk. The night was going so well, we ended up walking down to Manatus in the village, getting a bite to eat, jumping into a cab waiting at a red light (really the only way to catch a cab n the city if you're brown), meandered our way to the new tailfeather....all the while in my best gold eyeshadow. I didn't get as tipsy as I would've liked....but I haven't been sleeping well lately, so its probably best I didn't go too far.

The music was kind of stupid til around 1:30. It had its highs and lows....but there were two male dancers that were so damn beautiful. We couldn't take our eyes off of them. Gorgeous..Yummy. It hurts me to my heart they're gay. Highlights
of the night included seeing lots of beautiful unattainable men, Gi's gay calling me a faggot - because I was so dramatic in my dancing to Jay-Z's "Hollywood", leaving before the club got too too crowded, and making it home at precisely 3 am. I have 2 hours to sleep before I have to be up again, which means I probably won't get any sleep.

Ahhhh to be young, dumb, and have to work on a Saturday.....